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Monday, September 3, 2018

SuperListenMode: It happens


SuperListenMode: It happens

I mean if they keep avoiding eye contact with you, actively keeping away, not interacting and not talking to you then it's pretty clear. Not a one-off thing that I can brush off. [I'm not calling out on anyone...this is part of socialising.]

Consequently, I feel like I'm the problem.

Did I creep them out? 
Did I make them feel uncomfortable? 
Was I too intense and rambling too much because I enjoy 1 to 1 conversations best? Did I overstep boundaries?
Do they hate my company? 
Was I too friendly? Too much or little emotional investment? Too distant?
Oh...they weren't even listening? 
Why are they walking off before the conversation went anywhere?
Where am I not good enough that I can do better? 
Did I type to them too much? 
Did they find out that I'm too boring, quiet and low energy for them? 
Am I liking them too much while they care little about me? 
Was I too awkward? 
Did I reject or hurt or misread or push them away unintentionally a while back and they have a grudge against me now? Wahhhh.
I feel super guilty.
These are the kinds of worried thoughts that run in my mind.

And it's even worse when they keep switching back to a friendly persona as if nothing happened. My feelings get more muddled up.  

What I do know is that they're emotionally & physically distancing themselves away. So I do the same.

It happens. :')

Most people aren't your friends, I know.
One gets too hopeful and invested sometimes.


Hey I've also ignored people and put people at a polite arm's length if they have made me feel uncomfortable too because I don't feel brave enough to be direct about it and confront my insecurities, feelings, fears, mistakes and get hurt. Not brave enough to speak up and discuss/ask what's going on. I'm not proud of it but I do distance myself when I'm scared to express deeper feelings or I feel super creeped out - I'm not great at this either. 

There are rare times when I was directly asked by brave people and I directly answered back that I'm not interested or it's a loose maybeee as I'm not ready...so I admire those upfront people! I hope to do better like that!


Gosh being rejected and heartbroken from trying to connect with someone is part of life...it happens a lot. People don't have emotional space and don't connect with you. Occasionally I notice when people keep me at arms length...the polite acquaintance level...as I've done the same too. So it hurts on the receiving end especially when you like and respect said person highly. 

I just wish I can move on better. 

After the hurt ego and sadness lessens with time...I just keep our distance. 

It's all good and I care less after some time. But it's not what I'd easily forget until it's genuinely addressed, acknowledged, start from scratch again from a genuine place or if we're completely absent in each others' lives.

So I guess I can't fully forget because the hurt, resentment, anger, fear, confusion is still there somewhere? :< I'll be awkwardly polite but I just don't trust them to engage any deeper than that. Because past interactions are still at the back of my mind. At worst if they're super disrespectful to me, I'll avoid them. I just don't want them part of my life anymore. Unless things are actually addressed and mutual trust gets built up again from there.


Ages and ages ago I was upfront about how something someone did hurt and disrespected me and how still stuck with me years later. But I've learned that they didn't want to hear it, knew how bad it was, dismissed it and pushed the conversation elsewhere. 

They knew what they were doing back then and when I finally feel brave and comfortable enough to bring it up they chose to avoid and disregard me. 
And that is fair...because no one wants to be confronted. It's difficult to face how things and decisions are perceived by others and our own flaws and moments of darkness. 
  
Discouraging, hurtful, scary and emotionally draining to speak up about it regardless. 


Consequently I'm done with talking if they're not willing to listen, acknowledge and engage in the first place. Especially if we haven't even established a mutual connection and trust in the first place to warrant a personal, deeper talk. 

If everyone cared and in an ideal world, we would talk it out even if we disagreed. Mutual genuine conversation. Naive and optimistic I know.

Otherwise it's not worth my time if I don't even know them well yet. 
Sometimes we're not ready to face it. 
It's too intense if it's on the get go.

Reality wise, people don't have limitless emotional energy, investment and labour to give. Me too! So I get it. We're all picky with whom we'd spend time with. A complex social dance when we don't get along with somebody.

Actions speak louder than words.

Without words, it's clear that it's just not working out.  

We can't be friends with everyone as they say. 



It's not easy to accept all the time. It feels terrible, guilt-ridden and/or uncomfortable when you're quietly distancing yourself and it hurts on the receiving end. Facing rejection with practice will eventually make the fear of it fade away but I'm not a regular social risk taker :')

I'll just keep reminding myself to let it go, keep an understanding mindset and some respectful personal space. Don't emotionally distance myself too much out of fear...allow for the slow build of trust and respect without expectations. Get better at speaking my mind over time.

Let myself time to heal and focus on the positive kind people (:

Stop caring what people think and live your own life is what I keep reminding myself. Living and learning. Moving on and letting go are things I need to keep practicing and learning. Hoping to keep working at it.


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