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Monday, August 6, 2018

SuperListenMode: Glum Blob "Boi"


SuperListenMode: Glum Blob "Boi"

My gloomy rut this year was bringing me down but I'm super grateful for my brother for lending his ear sometimes. :') 


For a long time I wasn't able to pick myself up...every since I did those NZGDC/GCAP conference talks last year. I didn't know where to go from there. 
I felt emptied out. 
Exhausted. Directionless. Disillusioned. 
I wanted to retreat. 


I needed as much time as I needed to figure out things and heal. Didn't know how but I kept moving, reading and trying things, failing, falling over and then taking breaks in between. 

For a long while, I didn't want to make art either. 
I lost a lot of the drive I had in making art.
Sat with the sadness and frustration whenever I need to. 
Then the cycle starts again. 
Keep moving again before I spiral too deep into hopelessness and having nothing to work towards.
Especially as someone who relies mostly on art to drive her.

It happens.

Especially when you're trying to figure out what's true to you once again.

"Keep doing what I'm already doing" doesn't cut it if it feels like I've been running in circles. I don't have a clear vision on where I want to go right now.
What are my values right now? What do I care about? 
What is my driving force now?


Growing pains has been and is the theme last and this year.
Aye, all part of the journey.
I'm probably too sensitive. I don't care though.
I have feelings. Although I'm too much of a coward to express them in person, I've been expressing them here. 

I'm the kind of person that retreats and nests a lot of the time in order to ground herself again. I want to come to my own conclusions after hearing and reading to so many other voices already. I don't want people telling me what they think I should do...it backfires. I deal with family telling me what I should do on a daily basis already. I don't need more unsolicited advice.

Other times I need more trusted and respected voices...when I'm ready to listen. Then I will talk and ask for it.


As a friend said on twitter, it's hard when you feel really alienated when people go about their lives on social media without you and yet without social media you feel even more isolated, sad and lonely. I feel this a lot whenever I check even though I try to keep my usage limited to certain days and times. 

It's really not a great place to be your sole source of human connection in spite of all the convenience it brings. 
And I'm saying this despite being the introverted, lazy homebody!

Still social media is good for keeping tabs on sweet art and people so you have stuff to talk about when you meet up! And then you can catch me on how little I know you regardless haha! (Hey people don't show everything on social media...it goes back to it being not an ideal sole way to maintain friendships.)


Yes I know, genuine friendships aren't easy ;P 


Maybe I'm stronger for this struggle with art and life.
Still got much to learn however. 

Lots of growing up to do. Especially when I'm still very much afraid to boldly speak my mind in person and express my feelings. Though I need time and reflection to do it in the first place. I need to believe I'm worthy and stop fearing consequences in a world seemingly primed for social butterflies...I have to get some courage, face and deal with the discomfort and make mistakes in order to overcome it. Not sure when I'll push myself to do that though ;P

Indeed I do keep looking for "purpose". I realise that it doesn't matter...values and whether actions align with that are more important. Learning how to do this better continues. 

Usually I look for the exciting scary future to drive me.
So I keep reminding myself to enjoy the present every now and again.
I do have what I need, I just need to stay true to myself.
Go with the flow and hang in there Leonie. :')


Digressing. Regarding the comic, I emphasise that I still watch gameplay as my escape when work and life gets too stressful, exciting, overwhelming, tense, focused or whatever terminology you like! 

I do play at least a few games a year at least hehe. 

Other times I just want to get away from it all.
Just rest and chill. :')