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Wednesday, July 25, 2018

SuperListenMode: Nah I'm good


SuperListenMode: Nah I'm good

Usually I want to stay focused & protect my introvert levels of energy - keeping it to chats at or near my desk sometimes. Or you can call that laziness :')

It's emotionally hard at times as I consciously push that fear of missing out to the side. Eventually I'll get better at it :<

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Yes, it's been suggested to me by a lovely person yesterday [and I've thought about it] that I should come along to coffee runs. Even though I don't drink coffee. Boost my own morale with cool people. To actually get to know peeps and colleagues better and not be on my own lonely island too much. So far I make myself invisible as the art ghost and game art helper fighting her imposter syndrome as it is. So my habits aren't helping -___-;

That said, I need breaks and walk away from my desk in general [which I am too lazy and tired to do when the time actually comes] so I think I need to do baby steps. 

Before I go into a casual impromptu group social thing that by my nature, drains my energy, I should actually slowly get into the habit of regularly walking away alone and take solo breaks. Get some solitary quiet time and relax to energise. I don't really feel like talking when I'm trying to relax and actually take a break. Away. From. My. Desk. Stop. Being. A. Workaholic. Gah.

So I need to make an effort to do both kind of breaks - social and solo ones. At first I need to make sure I take breaks in the first place because I shamefully slack off from doing it...I need to slowly make it a habit and not criticise myself too harshly when I forget to act on it. I've been there.
I'll ease in with solo breaks first.

I tense up a lot when I'm at work, especially in an open office and I get super sleepy exhausted during late afternoons and after work :/ Drinking tea, meditating for a while is helping a lot with my fatigue, TMJ strain and sleepiness though! But I need to do better, get up and walk! I know this but I don't do it over time during past feeble attempts gahhh. 

This time, I'll focus on doing better and I'll count how many breaks I've done in a day. So in that light I should probably have at least 5 small breaks, 1 lunch break and many mini breaks. Okay broken down, it's now more tangible on how I'm doing!

Well I'll update here how I go with breaks sometime! 
I hope I won't disappoint myself again. I just want to get better. :')
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Digress. Getting that balance of connecting with others versus doing your own thing is hard! But gosh I do enjoy 1 to 1 catch ups [and sometimes/maybe very small groups] to hang with! <3 They energise me in a different way.

Super bad at initiating though :<


Because it's so easy to give up and build walls to protect myself from getting hurt and disappointed. Logically I know this comfort zone needs pushing but I want to act and do social things out of genuine interest, not out of desperation for connection. I need to care less .___.

I mean look what improv and dancing classes left me with. I was vaguely interested and I learned that the activities itself weren't compelling enough for me to continue, at least by myself. The people were friendly and cool and I had a few good conversations I wouldn't have otherwise at least! (:

I felt even more different than everybody else and essentially I was acting the whole time. Pretending I enjoyed the company of lots of people at once as a kind fellow introverted person described it exactly. It was exhausting. :(


Still when I can afford and want to, I hope to try other classes and learn other cool things! I want the new skill or activity to be something I enjoy too! So I'm not heavily focused on socialising itself. (:

At the moment I'm too interested in just art, working out of this creative rut and that's typically a solitary thing. :(