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Friday, October 6, 2017

SEP2017: Wonderful World of Character Design Pt1, NZGDC & New Zealand adventures!

Leonie's small blog island says hullo! (:

So pretty intense month even now since I'm still preparing and working for Part 2 for my talk by the end of this month and then I hope I get into the regular regimen of training/getting better or something afterwards :')

Welcome to my rambly home! ^o^

As usual...who reads these anyway! Pfft!!
I'm really just writing these blogs for myself...for future self.
Or rather my pretend imaginary friend.
Because I rarely read my blog posts out of shame ;P

[Seriously though, if you exist, thank you as always!
You rare mysterious reader <3 ]

    Let's gooooo! Journal Time.



    CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:
    NZGDC17: The Wonderful World of Character Design Talk Part 1!


    Year 4, Month 9 (September)

      Leonie Yue's Sketchbook 

       SuperListenMode: On Comparisons
      Catch them negative habits early, flee and focus on doing the best version of you instead ^o^

      SuperListenMode: Funny Sounds
      I don’t really do this much now but hey sounded fun to say as a kid hehe

      The fact that adults don’t want you to say them made you want to say them anyway. I didn’t say swear words though, just silly kid like and probably inappropriate words. ;D

         SuperListenMode: What is Love Pt 2
        Fears, Feelings and my Brain are figuring it out ;D

        Also a matter of learning about each other, acknowledging flaws + complexities and be accountable for them together as companions in life! ;)

        But hey, I’m pretty happy doing all the learning like a slow sleepy bear at art & life too :0!

         SuperListenMode: University Graduation v3
        Not counting high school graduation either.

        I was completely jaded and feeling hopeless at this point. Note I only attended 2/3 graduation ceremonies because I didn’t see the point and it was pretty boring :( I don’t want to celebrate when the future is completely uncertain and without any planning!!

        I knew what I was getting into and it’s up to me to dig out of the unemployment hole…knowing how there’s several thousands of graduates a year and very few roles. It felt like a dead end.

        Not that I knew what I was doing! :’)

        As much as I enjoy learning, let’s say graduation didn’t feel terribly celebratory to me. It did feel however like: “This is the end of this chapter”.

        I don't find graduation celebratory but it's the frightening & glorious: "hey welcome to reality" :0 So glad I skipped one - felt like a waste of time :<

         SuperListenMode: Miss Marple??
        Been making these jokes in the past few years ;D

        She is *really* nosy…I do hope one day I’ll be able to not care what *anybody* thinks like she does!! I mean I care about what other people think & preemptively acknowledge things…and then I do what I want anyway + hope for the best!
        I want to be better at skipping to the “do what I want” step! ;)

        SuperListenMode: Real Talk in Yakuza 0
        There's so much things on a cultural level and in terms of love life I relate to .___. 

        There's so many wonderful charming substories and minigames in this brilliantly weird game :D

        I’ve been brought up on harmony and playing my role for my family or the group I belong to. My individual feelings, desires and voice is not as important as supporting the group as a whole. So it was conflicting when I’m also brought up and surrounded by a culture who focuses on individuality, speaking up and freedom. Essentially I default to the former depending on how much I care about a given group, otherwise I outcast myself, keep to myself and do my own thing.

        It’s rare but you can tell how comfortable I am depending on how silly or actually talkative I am ;) And if I’m able to ideally just focus on one person at a time :<
        .
        With love though, I am a coward who bottles things up until my heart breaks into a billion pieces with hurt when I feel invisible, it’s unrequited and then that someone moves on.
        .
        Now I'm striving to get better at just focusing on becoming friends from a genuine place [it's still difficult with feelings in the way] and get to know people I like just as people. Friendships is still what I’m still learning to be better at! I do hope I become more brave and try or let things go, the more comfortable I become!

        Thanks for reading my personal struggles with this thing called feelings ^_^ <3

        SuperListenMode: Waving Hello!
        Look I'm a simple person. I take simple tiny risks ;)
        I don't expect a conversation.
        Not that I greet everyone all the time (I get busy and focused too!) so I strive to reframe it when others ignore or don't see me, move on and save my energy :0

         SuperListenMode: Brokenhearted Cycle
        This is the point where I keep myself busy and/or accept that I’m feeling hurt. Allowing myself to feel it & comfort myself a while. Sit with the heavy weight of despair, hopelessness and the constantly asking myself why - let all the emotional wandering thoughts out somehow by writing or talking to myself with kind and gentle honesty. 

        Forcing myself to ignore it and not allow myself to have feelings makes it worse in the long run; feeling not great and sad is completely fine. 

        Sometimes I'm just too tired of caring and hiding it away. Not being okay right now is fine. Allowing myself to feel this and take it at my pace helps. It hurts but it will pass. 



        Get it out of my system and stay kind with myself. 



        Strive to keep out of the cycle afterwards. 

        In time, I will slowly start to care less.

        Believe I can pick myself up. 

        There is hope out there, just not where you expect it.

        Grow and become stronger.

        Eventually it'll be okay. :')



        AFTERWORD:
        It is true that things can hurt and eventually it hurts less...I've experienced that before. I doesn't mean it doesn't hurt :S 

        But hey life comes with things that matter and you care about even more things again :') Hey, we've all been feeling like this one way or another many times in our lives. Life is full of risk taking and with that comes the pain. It's okay to sit with these feelings and talk to ourselves kindly out of that negative self talk as if we're our own good friend.

        Getting better at this at a snail's pace...rolling with the hurt and pain :<
        Sitting with the pain together like a friend to take care of and be kind to is something I have to keep getting better at.

        I first learned this when finally facing the lies I told myself & finally going ahead with my career change in 2011 [and blogging since then] 
        and finally dealing with my mother's passing properly, 
        and now I'm always striving to get better with friendships, people, small risk taking, being who I am as a person and dealing with the fear of rejection and fear of abandonment I have. Get better at being kind and loving somehow.
        This self awareness is empowering but a slow life long journey   
        We got this!! ^o^

        Note I am not that experienced at all when it comes to people and I'm still learning about all this! 

        To you: thank you for reading my personal comics about my feelings :'D <3 

        Each time I post these, I feel scared - it's part of the reason why I check once a week on social media by default so I distance myself some more :')



         SuperListenMode: "Shy" = afraid to take social risks
        I have mixed feelings with the word "shy". 


        AFTERWORD:
        I feel SO conflicted with this word. I got described as such in my reports when I was a little kid already! It felt like a label and like I was an outcast...that I should stop being afraid & be like the other kids!! 
        I know it's not out of malice but it feels humiliating & frustrating :(


        I have attempted to "own" the word but ultimately knowing that I take ages to warm up & feel comfortable & have confidence with people [maybe I'm rude or just in quiet mode] makes me feel shame and/or looked down upon instead for being like this :(

        And sometimes people haven't earned both my trust & respect yet so I keep quiet and strive to listen and learn about people instead :0

        SuperListenMode: Changing Personal Space
        It depends on previous interactions too (: 

        #SuperListenMode YAYYY!

        I’m just trying to express my uncertain happiness, acknowledgement & gratitude of your words…and all I can say is this .___.
        I appreciate you okay?
        …I’m not good at expressing it :’)

        #SuperListenMode I don’t like driving

        If I have to, I’ll get a taxi, Shebah or actually ride a bike instead :<

        Not that I have a bike ready to go but you know what I mean .__.

        There’s a huge thing about driving in my culture or at least my family that you’re not grown up if you don’t drive and even own a car >___> Sure it gives you freedom to go wherever and whenever you want…! But gah!

        I still own a car because I used to drive back when I was teaching to get to/from work but I think I need to sell this car…eventually :0

        #SuperListenMode DooDooDoo! Personal Theme Song!! 

        I make it up as I go along ;D


        #SuperListenMode Gotta stay strong!
        Comparison of my mantras :0
        I mean the first one was when I was forcing myself to go for a teaching career my heart wasn’t into :’)

        I don’t know what’s happening with me anymore in my future but at least I’m making art now!! :D

        And perhaps I need to get back to using 2009′s mantra for my now art career...my goal to keep learning & evolving on this journey really ;)

        SuperListenMode: Menstrual Cycles 

        Oh noes :’)
        I hate mood swings beforehand too; a time of getting upset and/or impatient easily and wanting to retreat from everyone :( 

        BurpDoodle: Fun Progress Grit 🎨 with Art & Life
        Love & Kindness 💖 with People in my Life & to Myself
        [one of my big Love & Kindness inspirations is Lauren <3 ]

        Whenever I feel hurt, discouraged, rejected or sad, I do my best to treat myself patiently with love and kindness, focus on the fun and positive parts of life, grow from the experience and keep going with resilience and belief within myself.

        I’m adding love and kindness because all 5 of them remind me to stay strong.

        I feel encouraged and more brave even if it’s just a small little boost (:


        Learning how to do better; always ^-^

        BurpDoodle WIP: Some progress for Scary Zine Squad!!
        Proceeds go to Make-A-Wish America (:
        Featuring Jesse Cox, Michael Davis, Alex Faciane, Jirard The Completionist of the Scary Game Squad.
        Not the whole page here; almost done! :0

        I watch this squad play scary games as I work and their silly antics keep me company since they started; thank you so much for doing what you do <3
        Very excited to know that Jesse Cox is coming to PAXAus too! ^o^


        Trying AI to colour my  frog via Charming Runes style
        I give up; art is not anime enough. Blame for linking me this & telling me how it works ;P
        I did find it fascinating though! Tricky to get it working how I wanted and it sort of failed on me since it's just a demo and I don't have the ability to feed it more images so that the AI can do it better via Machine Learning.
        At least the AI can paint at a soft anime level of painting/rendering...at least this one does.


        My Scary Zine Squad illustration for Make-A-Wish America!
        Featuring Jesse Cox, Michael Davis, Alex Faciane & Jirard The Completionist
        If this is your thing, there is a huge range of fanart of the four [finally got a peek at the charity zine!]
        Support via https://creativezines.com/sgs-zine by 9th Oct so they can breakeven! :0

        Gosh this was a rushed illustration :(
        Juggling NZGDC and only got < 1 week to do this.







        ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        NZGDC17 - The Wonderful World of Character Design Talk Part 1: And the New Zealand trip!

        Twitter shenanigans







        NEW ZEALAND ADVENTUUURES! 
        Handed these stickers out to some Mighty peeps first before I left for New Zealand :D Let me know what you'd like me to print in the future :0


        Hopefully I'll give out of all of these old stickers during #NZGDC17 starting tomorrow ^o^
        Currently on my way to New Zealand eep!! :D

        AFTERWORD:
        Unfortunately I didn't give any since I forgot. I just tunnel visioned and worried on preparing my talk right to the morning on the day! :<



        Had a lovely & sweet catch up lunch with art buddy Kristy since ages!! ^_^ 
        And aside from treating me for lunch, she gifted me with this wonderful lovely travel care package!! 

        Wah thank you you lovely kind soul!
        Haven't even packed yet so I'll definitely use these!! ^o^


        AFTERWORD:
        I used 3 of 4 of these. Guess which! ;D


        I can't help but bought these two adorable sweet cuties to take home
        from New Zealand from Sky Tower and I only realised after the trip that they're finger puppets!!

        Aaaah! I can stick my finger up their butts to make them talk!! GASP :'D


        #NZGDC17 My terrible 1st Talk over!
        Gut hurts really bad
        Finally relax on my trip now 
        It's #CharDesignClub time!

        Some fanart from 1 of my slides! My gut was under so much stress it's been hurting since the talk was over D:



        New Zealand Auckland's Sky Tower!! :0
        Gosh colours & reflections!
        Much photos/footage not sorted but Google Photos autoprocessed some :0 

        Top on one of the hills of Tiritiri Matangi island! ^_^  

        Here's the adventurous Kalonica on Tiritiri Matangi island 
        at the shoreline while I was too tired & did not want to walk on the painful rocks with my shoes :'D

        Many people there were doing it so Sleepy Bear Leonie attempts newbie rare at Auckland's Sky Tower
        ...you just end up hating your photos!! Aah! :')
        Aah so awkward! :') Selfies are too hard D:
        I only did these because everyone were taking photos plus I paid to get up there so I'm going to make most of my monies haha! 
        I don't even want to look at the photos when I take them!
        I just tap a few times and hope for the best haha

        Yes I do have a terrible hoomin face ;P

        Now you can't say you don't know what I look like...right? :0


        AFTERWORD:

        Aaah I am still developing confidence to feel happy with what I look like :S
        People have been most kind and too sweet!! 
        I am embarrassed at the reaction I got D:

        I hope to get better with my own self confidence as I am as I'm still at the stage of hating my own photos. 
        Plus I was kind of scared and pushing my comfort zone to post these D: 

        I was overthinking everything on things like should I bear my teeth?! Or how can I show the city and my face at the same time? Aaah my arms are too short! Oh no people are looking at me acting silly! D: How do I pose? What expression should I make? I hope this isn't blurry!! Am I too self absorbed making selfies as I feel so self conscious right now?? I don't even feel presentable! I feel icky from traveling! What is pretty anymore?? I don't look good at every angle!! Aaah!

        And then: stuff that noise. 
        Be silly and take photos in the moment anyway :')
        And it's not about explicitly seeking compliments as I DON'T need external validation on my looks. But just growing to be comfortable with "hey this is just me", how I look & having the self confidence to just post it anyway :<
        I don't find myself photogenic but it's all about your inner self confidence - learning to do better at this myself (:


        Thank you. <3

        I have learned that making & posting selfies is incredibly hard & a feat requiring self confidence D: Is this what posting selfies & pushing my comfort zone feels like?! D: I don't plan to do selfies often! :( Too self conscious about doing these unless I'm in a super touristy place like with the Sky Tower...maybe ;P 

        Or probably more likely with someone else [though I probably won't show them publicly as I have several with Kalonica actually] ;)



        Figured I should update my About Me image as well and then delete it!
        Maybe because I'm feeling more brave about showing my face.

        I'm not going to do this often as I usually feel "noes! Don't look!" haha
        I'm trying to learn to hate my face less? :')




        NZGDC17 BurpDoodles

        #NZGDC17 Terrible Speaker Burpdoodles!! ^o^;
        Look some of them I was sleep deprived and others were backlit so at best I could only see the silhouettes of the person .___.

        NZGDC17 BurpDoodle Woo! Designing Imaginary Worlds workshop 
        w/ incredible concept artist, ideator & problem solver of WETA Workshop, Paul Tobin

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle James Everett's Intro speech to NZGDC! 
        Was so lovely to meet him & he claimed I made him too handsome when I got the courage to show him this haha


        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Aurelie's Keynote at the start on Luck and Success! 
        Plus her love of Lord of the Rings ;D

         #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Aurelie's love for swords & Animal Crossing! :0!!


        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Erik Olofsson of Grinding Gear Games talking on Path of Exile

         #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Ivan Khmel on Artist Mistakes 

         #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Jimmy Baird on always being a beginner

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Paul Tobin ideator/Art Director of WETA
        on the creative development of GKRgame as someone with a film background

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle The lovely Kalonica's talk on making beautiful fine art into 3D real time VR experiences :0 
        I deeply apologise for her terribly drawn faces .__.;
        She seemed calm and confident and incredible!! And people were so blown away by her work! ^o^

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Marc talks on being lazy

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Maru Nihoniho & Edwin McRae on Guardian 
        as an interactive fiction piece based on Maori culture w/ a leading lady - the gamebook will be on Google Play for free Nov or so! There are no websites unfortunately :<

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Inge Berman & Jack Condon of S1T2 talks 
        about putting quirky art theory & history onto game design & development through KeptVR. They were heavily focused on Baroque [Jack] and Romanticism [Inge] and how they applied those theories onto emotive game design :D

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Jonas Goodwin of runawayplay 
        demonstrates the wonders of research & engaging your passions with your audience!

        #NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle Delaney King's super entertaining talk 
        about choosing your "normal" and the wrongness of Geralt's butt. ;)

        #BurpDoodle Niamh, the super lady 
        that organised & made #NZGDC17 possible :D

        NZGDC17 Speaker #BurpDoodle James 
        expresses his gratitude to all that made the conference possible!! (:



        BurpDoodle: Sleepy Bear is home!! ^o^
        Thank you so much for the lovely support & encouragement!! I was stunned, brimming with warm fuzzies and super humbled. Especially when I was going "aaaah" both externally and internally! Thank you for believing in me. <3

        I honestly wasn't really sure if I could do it because I was *really* pushing how far I can go but I did it anyway D: And my gut ended up in stressful pain after the talk almost for the rest of the whole day.

        I will have photos, videos and a blog update whenever I'm ready. 
        And NZGDC17 BurpDoodles!
        Plus I got lots to do in coming months in the free time I have for GCAP prep for Part 2 of this talk series. For now...I need sleep & not rush it. :')

        PS: Yes this was originally drawn after an aftermath of something else I can't say ;D


        BurpDoodle: It's little me in #SuperListenMode ;D
        I 💖 mutual 1 to 1 conversations hehe
        This was from one of my NZGDC17 talk slides 







        Rambly Video Blogs on my New Zealand shenanigans


        Well it took a while to figure out how to transfer large files over from phone to computer [the proper way didn't work for me as much as I tried troubleshooting it] but I learned how in a round about way!! 

        Gosh when I do these video blogs, the more I accept...that I am vlogging. EW.
        I'm doing it for fun and to document things...because I forget.

        And I get to ramble away to myself. A silly personal video blog/podcast!
        Maybe people like to listen/watch that stuff :<
        It's not meant to be informative nor a review.

        And not much people watched it anyway. 
        Why do I bother making these...well I forget! 
        It's for me to loosely document the journey :D



        Kind peeps I chatted/met or caught up with:
        [thank you for making part of the trip wonderful!]  


        Other mentions for saying hello & chatting!
        • Jackson
        • Tom
        • Tim
        • And a few others I don't remember as I didn't meet much people :<

        I did catch myself to not get too attached to familiar people [we all need personal space to do our own thing] as much as I feel lost and alone at times D:

        "Networking" or rather making acquaintances is hard :(

        Which is why I appreciate the few people I get to actually speak to whether they remember me or not! ^o^ It's lovely when it happens!











        PERSONAL AFTERWORD on my Talk


        Gosh I've expressed this with people who have asked but preparing for a talk got really stressful for me! I got stress cramps for the rest of the day right after!! Probably because I didn't have much of a breakfast and was vomiting information onto people, trying to maximise the time I had. I did not have the luxury to remember everything I wanted to say because I was editing my slides up to the morning of the talk...cutting things out still. 

        I have standards for talks; I want to talk about something that's useful and faster paced at least - within the allotted time! :0

        slept 4 or so hours each during the two nights of the flight and the workshop [got iced coffee for the workshop]. And was preparing on Conference Day 1 running on 1.5 hours of sleep - had to get hot coffee this time. I did time myself with the stopwatch app on the night/early morning before! It was from 2am onwards after 6 hours of sleep ;P Finally some sleep & rehearsal~! 

        Now I'm worried I don't have enough content for GCAP since there will be some different content for Part 2. GCAP is for a different audience, plus there'll be people I know who might be there...maybe. More pressure for me!! Maybe they won't come to my talk after all ;) I'll probably pretend they aren't there in the moment to keep me focused on the talking part. Whelp just rising to the challenge of doing it over again with Part 2! Woo!

        Right now I need to get more intense and strive to actually make time to rehearse before the conference...and not when the conference is happening. I really hope my talk is not on the last day in the afternoon so I don't worry over my talk throughout the whole conference again. But it probably is...if I say it out in the open like this .____.

        So as you can see in the twitter recap above, apparently people found my talk good?? A handful of people [7?] came up to me during the course of the day with encouraging words too! As expressed at the time, it was all a blur.



        And then the video recording came out [posted here when it's out]:



        I asked people to give feedback especially in preparation for GCAP. But I refuse to watch it myself because I know how harsh and critical I can be of myself. I fear I will discourage myself out of talking altogether. I do not want to paralyse myself from too much planning either [than I already am], where I get even more nitpicky. I will see all the flaws instead of any good things. I'd rather talk and go with the rambly flow like I have with this first talk. 

        I'm not striving to become a professional speaker and although I'm not there yet, I am learning to feel comfortable talking in front of people. (: I do find it amazing how people talk at so many conferences and confidently so while I'm just doing one little talk [and making a silly big deal out of it]! I'm just trying to treat the crowd as if they were one person haha

        Less overwhelming for me that way ;P

        With talking and presenting, it all lies in having something to say.
        Whether it's worthy or not and its quality is another matter. It's something I overcame by "doing it anyway". It's something one has to keep pushing through as "feeling like you're being a fraud" never really goes away. I debated with myself a lot on whether I had the right to talk at all! "What am I doing?? How am I even here??" Gosh. I had to allow those thoughts to happen as they come and then actively push them away. What helped me was to focus on the preparation at hand [ie: "I got work to do!!"] and knowing that I did my best with what I had. It's not perfect but...I did it!

        As much as I complained about the stress [because I kept preparing and preparing and there was some sleep deprivation at some points], knowing that I pushed my comfort zone and spoke at a conference is a great feeling of...hey I can actually do this! As someone who usually keeps quiet in groups, I did the talk! Gosh I survived!

        I want to keep working on my confidence :D

        Finally, I'm not expecting much people to enter the character design club challenge I put forth but I'll try my attempt this month and keep doing it beyond the conferences too. 

        Ultimately, I get to learn on this journey ^o^
        Always more to learn. Always.
        So I'll take my time. (:






        PERSONAL AFTERWORD on the NZGDC conference
        I've sent feedback forms already but here are general thoughts that might not be covered in the videos:

        Aaah found it in the photo album;
        it's me & Kalonica at NZGDC17!! ^o^ 💖
        Timmy the photographer is a delight & a brilliant bomb of energy 👌
        Like everyone there, I was exhausted especially here after the talk haha :')
        Gosh I'm short D:
        • Kalonica my travel, speaker and conference buddy is the best! She made the whole trip lovely all the way <3 
        • lots of lovely people! Volunteers and organisers are awesome and doing a lot of hard work
        • mostly a lot of people I don't know and as a result, I didn't care about "trying to belong" as much as GCAP oddly enough. I'm already someone from overseas and I don't expect to join in any cliques/friendship groups. Perhaps I need to apply this "I don't care if people ignore me and do my own thing" to GCAP. At least I was less sad and upset last year :<
        • I did find myself sticking to people I *do* know and wouldn't have hung out with otherwise! :D It was great eating out in small groups! Not that I talked heaps but I did get some 1 to 1 mutual conversations in :D Much preferred over loud, crowded, dark, late night, overwhelming social events for me!
        • the quality of the talks are mixed as the audience are mostly students and graduates...so not for me? Aside from insightful experiences shared, I did not really gain substantially new knowledge. It's a similar issue with GCAP in previous years where many didn't learn anything new. It's difficult to cater for people with experience already anyway in general.
        • I did get to meet a few people briefly! 
        • I enjoyed the fact that no one knew who I was and at the same time, I felt invisible. Gosh the early years of GCAP especially is coming back...! Mind you, I still am invisible even now because regardless whether people know me or not, people are focused on talking to people they haven't seen in year(s) rather than a local butt like me ;D And I don't have the "witty banter/conversational skills" especially in an intense social setting...so I default to drawing people. :P I'm just going to converse when I feel like it, not because I feel obliged to mingle all the time. Too exhausting for me.
        • The Auckland University of Technology venue is amazing!!
        • There are definitely a bunch of talks that I missed that sounded great though; like art direction and some other ones on game design so I am keep to see the recordings and hopefully learn things!! :D
        • super grateful I got invited at all! Thank you so much NZGDA team for the opportunity! 
        • Do go to NZGDC if you want to support the New Zealand Games Industry! They have been very lovely and super friendly! :D Their games have been doing incredibly well [some really high profits] so there's a lot of keen and eager students and graduates who are going to awesome things.


            





        Mighty Games Shenanigans: Shooty Skies & Crossy Road
        Another short section!


        Love is love. Mighty Games Group supports equality. #marriageequality #VoteYes

        So happy I rendered & put this art together for our new Rainbow Riders update out today at Shooty Skies!! 💖✨

        I debated with someone on whether games should be political or not and aside from whether it suits the game itself, I think it comes down to what sort of players you want playing your game;) Shared values and beliefs!

        I voted Yes of course but the fact that we had to do this whole postal vote thing just for marriage equality is ridiculous. 



        So here's the *really* early messy concepts for the Space Update of Crossy Road
        Almost all of these didn't get used. As I made the first voxel pass, lots got cut out and then they got further developed & made more awesomer by Ryan Keable! The rainbow colours are there because there were rainbows used in the original marketing of the Moonwalker posters. 
        Not posting these on social media because a lot didn't get used anyway :0

        And maybe some of these might come back in other forms! Oooooo
        But probably not? Hey lots of concepts get thrown away ;)



        Other Mighty Shenanigans

        • a lot of preparation for MIGW going on 
        • been jumping between projects more than usual; trying to help out with odd bits and things :S
        • I insist again that I still feel like a junior artist for a few more years to go as much as Mighty peeps may say otherwise - I still have so much to learn :<
        • I feel sad that I haven't been able to tackle vector art as much for work while conference talk prep has taken over my spare time. Oh dear. Trying to not feel shame when people ask how my vector art is going. There's nothing right now .____.





        The past month: Zelda Concert & Other things!

        So anyhoo a social media recap of the past month:


        BurpDoodle: Just came back from Melbourne's The Legend of Zelda - Symphony of Goddesses 
        Memories, emotions, story, nostalgia, feelings and brilliant musical magic of Zelda <3 It was my first concert too ^o^


        At the Concert! It's empty right now! 
        Showing some of the Zelda trailers :0


        The Legend of Zelda - Symphony of Goddesses Preparation Time 

        Can't show the actual performance but most of them are here now :D


        It's wonderful and amazing and incredible but I found myself nitpicking haha
        I understand they did their best they could with what they have and they can't please every Zelda fan. I had unrealistic expectations in terms of how I felt they dragged on certain songs/tracks way too long for my liking and didn't instead showcase more songs within each of the popular Zelda games they picked and keep things going and transition to more melodies. 

        They did show off a handful of melodies for two or so games with well timed visuals but for the rest, it felt like the same song but louder and more intense before they finished that sequence :S I'm not a professional musician or composer...that's just my feelings on it :< 

        The merchandise...is just official art designed/composed together for the concert so it wasn't really a "must buy" for me. If it was something made and designed especially for the concert then that's a different story ;) I saw people with Silent Princess flower wrist bands and I wanted THOSE :<

        I loved most of it anyway and was all very happy and excited/tense for a lot of it!! LOVED IT. I felt lost in the music and remembering all the Zelda memories :')




        My bro cheered me up some & gifted me this cutest, tiny, Sleeping Kirby Gashapon yesterday! 💕

        He skillfully dug out what he wanted haha ;)









        Another introspective ramble on one sided conversations
        This has been bothering me in for several months but I am making myself remember that if people are just keen on talking about themselves or their opinions and/or are only answering questions you ask of them - then don't expect them to listen back to you or ask about you. Just go with it. 

        Just learn about them if they're willing to talk. Or stop checking on what they do. Or stop asking questions haha

        Personally I have definitely answered questions when it comes to people I'm not interested in knowing more about so I am *not* intentionally trying to be passive aggressive about people. I do it too when I'm super energy deprived too. Just answering questions when people ask :0

        I don't want to guilt trip anyone in doing something they don't care about doing anyway. Just let me grumble about my silly feelings in my safe online home please :') People who read my blogs probably don't do this anyway...at least that's my assumption!

        I do it with many people too when I don't see common ground and/or don't know them so well...and would like to keep myself at a safe social/emotional distance...for now. It takes a long while to warm up to most people and actually share things about myself...as in really okay in talking about all sorts of things and express myself in a silly way :0 Sometimes the other party aren't the silly kind or they really don't have much in common :<

        I don't really do this in groups because I need to feel comfortable with everyone in said group first...and in reality that doesn't happen often at all. So I keep to myself even though I have opinions, people move on faster than I could formulate a sentence. And why would they want *my* opinion when I wasn't in the conversation in the first place? ;( Plus all the more reason to save my introvert levels of energy, right?

        On the other hand, I know I can't always outcast myself as my defense mechanism all the time :< Usually I just presumptuously accept being a loner. I have a cat personality apparently. Or I allow myself to silently sulk and wallow in self pity for a bit before moving on haha And/or just do my own thing; stuff bothering to participate!! haha

        Just saying that when it feels one sided, this is a wake up call to reality that the connection isn't mutual [whether this hurts or not is another matter I'll have to roll with.] It doesn't hurt at times depending on whether I actually mind we connect or not.

        During the times it does hurt, it's when I've been listening/asking/initiating a lot but at the time I wasn't sure why I felt terrible, tired and neglected afterwards. Turns out I do care with some people. But hey I'll eventually move on. That I need to talk and focus on other people who genuinely care, have things in common and mutually ask questions too. 

        Hey usually I'm just someone who asks questions, learns and listen to others as the default. Perhaps my standards in who I listen to is changing. And it's harder to distinguish and let go. Trying to be honest to myself about these things too. I'm not going to pretend I don't care to myself but I hope to slowly practice and get better at this.

        Trying to bond is hard and yes not everyone wants to, I get that :') People or you not feeling the same way happens lots of the time! It doesn't mean that feelings don't get hurt sometimes. :') I hate the times when I actually do care when people ignore me [or don't respond mutually] consistently so I try to move on. Sometimes I forget and care again though...whoops :< Gotta just minimise emotional investment, move on but stay kind about it. Struggling at times.


        When it comes to conversations I am in, I have been feeling incredibly tired of too much being in listen mode and question asking mode and having the consistent "no one cares what's happening with me" and "why should I bother & participate" feeling. It's making me care less about anyone who just focuses on themselves...it feels exhausting. If I think back at what I personally do, I go silent when I'm out of things to say or I'm conserving energy. I am not good at small talk but if I am interested in knowing how someone else is doing from a genuine place, apparently I'm okay with asking all the questions!

        Sometimes a lot of networking or social events are like that...where you feel like you have to perform as a conversational extrovert in order to keep and impress them for them to stay in the conversation and I'm not always down for that. Because it's exhausting for me in the long run. Sometimes I am tired of feeling invisible, insignificant and unappreciated for my time and emotional energy for someone who consistently doesn't care or even treat you like a human being. I'd rather spend time elsewhere and do my own thing instead. Or keep dealing with it until I don't care anymore. Or a messy mix of both. :(

        Or I'm finding that I go even more quiet and retreat inwards towards myself if I realise that few people care anyway. Everyone is busy with the people already in their own lives. There's no room for you. Resignation. Giving up on trying to connect. Allow myself to be sad awhile. Needing some personal space more than ever.


        Perhaps I'm learning to distinguish things better.
        As much as I want to learn about people, ask questions and I often end up listening to others rather than talk about myself anyway...when I do want a genuine connection, I don't want just an interview with someone. Especially when it comes to *mutual* bonding. I want a mutual conversation especially when it comes to the 1 to 1 kind :( 

        I don't want people to just dump what they want to say to me and then not actually engage with how I feel/react/think. And abandon the conversation right after dumping their opinion on me. Yes I've had that happen before several times. I don't feel respected as a friend/person from that point onwards when it's a consistent pattern. I lose a degree of trust from that point.

        Genuinely slowly giving up on a few people and my stubbornness in "believing the best of others and that friendship/connection can still happen" is wearing down. I don't want to care anymore about people who don't seem to value me. I'm done asking them questions about their lives when they don't care to know about mine. I'm feeling so done and want to retreat within myself even more. I guess this is what happens when you find yourself wanting something mutual but you've been one sided all along. It hurts. 

        Whoops. Why am I spending so much emotional labour on such things. I blame myself. I hate that I care. :'(

        I mean I deal with that already with my own verbally abusive dad [I'm not respecting him much either to be fair]. Plus I deal with people I don't mind just listening to without them knowing or not. There are people I don't mind if they're just talking and I'm just listening. They don't even know me well and don't even care to know. They just want someone to listen. Perhaps it's a matter of power dynamics at play too.

        I guess this struggle with friendships/people it's just another way of telling me that a connection is not going to work anyway. It's a two way dance. 

        Learn and grow from this right? They say only invest as much as they invest in you. I'll add: probably a bit more or less than them to push forward or retreat back depending on previous patterns of interactions. Just don't fall into the habit of doing more than you should like I did :<

        I truly doubt the people I'm talking about will see/read this essay. They don't care and I've lost faith in them already. I can ramble about my silly feelings here. I'm really not worried. :') If it ever does happen I say to them: I'll be keeping my distance from you to heal but I wish you all the best.

        Rambling all this makes me realise how isolating, painful and lonely it all feels when you don't have many people you'd mutually want to bond with. Because not everyone is on the same page with you right now after all. People don't show all sides to them...even me! Everyone has different boundaries on how they express themselves, let alone if they feel mutual or not. That's okay.

        Learning to love myself as I am and not shame myself for these thoughts and feelings. And be understanding & kind to others. 

        And the world doesn't revolve around you silly Leonie! 
        I *do not* deserve *everyone* to like me...there's always people who don't care or like you and that's okay. People have drifted off. I'll focus on those who do stick around. 
        As usual, you live within your own head too much :')

        Sure I don't openly express myself in person haha
        Taking things too seriously maybe :<


        But it all makes me appreciate the few friends I do have! <3

        This whole ramble is probably silly and repetitive to you but it helps me gain further clarity each time. It's reminding me that it's okay for me to express myself here...people don't like reading right? ;) I'm rambling for myself in these personal little blog posts of mine. 

        But I don't care. 

        Being honest with myself and my feelings are important to me.


        PS: If people do read these blog posts, I guess you understand a bit what's going in the world within my head at this moment in time. I trust that you'd keep it to yourself anyway because these topics are quite personal and I don't think people want to actually discuss these things with me [rarely happens!] Sadly for me, I don't have many friends to depend on so chances is that I probably don't know you well.  

        Regardless, I hope this helps you to be honest with yourself too. <3

        It's okay if you're not sure about life too. I am the same. 




        Nintendo Direct: random things I'm keen to play

        • Mario Odyssey!! :D So excited
        • Kirby games!!
        • Not played Splatoon 2 proper yet
        • Snipperclips!! More content
        • Lady Layton full game!!
        Interesting/Notes:
        • what is DOOM/Wolfenstein doing here haha
        • Xenoblade 2's money focused Nopon character oooh
        • Square Enix's Octopus game ;D
        • No Animal Crossing for people waiting years for it 
        • Flip Wars? Morphie's Law? Breath of the Wild Skins?
        So bittersweet that they dedicated hiding Iwata's first programmed game into the Switch via his "Direct" to you motion and a certain date :'(







        On saying no to projects. And MIGW.

        So far, I've actually turned down 3 little project commissions, missed out on one and a request to help out with something because I got this talk to prepare for. Mostly because I don't want to juggle and scatter my focus in too many directions. I refuse to burnout like I did with teaching and a few larger scale projects in the past.

        It's weird when you actually get requests when you're busy and then you get nothing when you're not busy :') Ah well. It all worked out and they've all found others to help them - I'm sure of it! I'm flattered people thought of me but I'm not special ;P There's always someone out there willing to help out too.

        Woo!! Saying "no" to projects to protect your "yes"!!
        I mean I said yes to the ScaryZineSquad because that's a rare thing to be part of and I want to support them and Make-A-Wish for charity. I'm not making money out of it. But that's all I'm doing with projects lately.

        I'm striving to not let myself stress with workload unnecessarily if I can help it. I know it's not worth crunching and burning out for. Have some resolve to stick to what you really want to do and go with it.

        I've also been debating on whether I should make videos for MIGW this year since it's not something lots of people watch! [People are just watching to see games/people/themselves understandably]. Honestly I make them as it allows me to cope and see the positive side of intense social situations and then I realise how time consuming it is afterwards to edit them all .____.

        I do plan to ask for permission first and actually feature people in the videos this time...not like a professional media interview but hey, this is this person and they are passionate about this thing/game/creation they've made. A conversation?? I don't know! I want to show how being at a booth for the first time too is like...as much as it sounds scary dealing with people at a booth! ^o^




        What now?

        More intense preparation for MIGW17/GCAP17! 

        I have the incredible Sally as my talk mentor too! ^o^


        See you in over a month; I'll delay next month's post for another week so I can do the mega blog post on MIGW again D: As I said, debating on how much I should film this time but we'll see! Hey this time, I got a talk to prepare with a lot of pressure!! I probably won't get to do a talk ever again.

        Aaaah :')

        You know, after all this is done...

        I want to take a break. But the question is, can I?
        I might have to make myself somehow.

        Eventually I hope to make BurpDoodle art regularly again when I'm ready...it could even be during mid January? Who knows haha

        Or not. I don't know yet.



        Social Media Hiatuses ramble cycle 
        I really want to take a year away from social media and just focus on learning :< But I know how devastating it could be if you fall into oblivion...when it takes several years and years to organically grow an audience. 

        I probably have 5-10 regular people or less who actually check my work consistently?? Hey I know that lots of people who follow me [friends, colleagues and acquaintances alike] don't actually check my posts because when I talk to them, they don't know what I'm doing at all online haha ;D 

        "What? Are you still doing the blog thing?" 
        "Yes," trying to hide my disappointment and disconnect and getting a humbling reality check. I've been blogging since 2011 and I haven't stopped, I say. That was several years ago though; I'm used to people not reading these.

        Hey the internet is a attention demanding place so why should I expect readers ;P

        Or they don't even respond when I tag/tweet at them...at the time I felt like crediting/appreciating people where it's due but now I feel terrible and guilty that I'm annoying them now that I look back. Clearly they don't want to interact and are ignoring me. I'll back off from interacting and give them space forever? Who really knows and I don't think I want to know/care. I'm not going to bother caring too much if I can help it. What does it matter.

        Hey Twitter or even Facebook isn't everyone's thing because it's so public/within friends circles but at the same time I'm trying to keep people who don't even use twitter to engage with me to a minimum. If you want to be online friends, go with facebook since that's what it's for, for people I feel comfortable with and have met in person ;P Twitter is my place for my interests and interaction and not really because of friendship [with some guilt following]...I don't know everyone I follow well at all D: 

        Online interaction =/ friendship. It enhances existing ones when you're all doing your own thing and you want to support each other though (:

        And back to the "going away for a year" thing. I don't know.

        I dream/idealise about doing a year hiatus rather than actually do it. Because I feel like I need to be present when things I support are happening...I can't outcast myself completely like I used to anymore.  

        Currently I enjoy appreciating people in my own way whether they respond or not :< I don't like bottling myself up if I can help it. Sometimes it does feel like they don't care to interact with you on social media so that's when I back off again...the dance! I'm learning :')

        Maybe I should hibernate from social media. Post things anyway but not respond to people [as much as that is against my own principles of appreciating people...but logically I know I don't owe them my time]. Experience the extreme of isolating myself from other people and focus on in person shenanigans instead. 

        Seriously I have considered just distancing myself from social media even more than I am right now. I don't like feeling insecure and empty afterwards sometimes. It gets addictive too! And I feel even more lonely at times. Pretty unhelpful and shows I have still a lot of self confidence to build within myself!!

        But knowing that I'll have to get back onto the social media hamster wheel eventually and the shock & abrupt adjustment that goes with that concerns me. I've felt it even after a handful of months away on hiatus. The rush you feel when you engage with people who care about what you post is heart warming and validating...no doubt.

        Gahhh! I think too much again! As usual!!

        The weekly [or so] thing is helping and putting the word "away" next to my twitter name worked for a bit but now I'm committing to my self blockage from social media!! 

        Tried the "only here Fridays" thing out again since NZGDC...and yet it takes the whole night to catch up the past week and then some from Sat morning. But it's a wonderful session of checking up on how people are doing!! And then having the self control to break away once you're up to date. It's hard to break away again :<

        Still I don't want to fall into the trap and temptation of social validation through social media and wasting time there. I refuse to allow my self worth fall into this cycle :< 



        Taking social media breaks [as I am right now] is hard when you find that you’ve disappeared into oblivion and even more people don’t see/read your stuff by the time you come back! :0 Why should peeps care about silly ghost me?

        See I’m not popular! :’) Who even cares about social media…it does not indicate success nor the number of real life friends. It does indicate peeps who are kindly interested [vaguely or not] and that I am grateful for.

        But I need to take these hiatuses anyway! I’m going to miss out lots of things I’m sure! Still it’s genuinely humbling when you just feel grateful that people give you any time of day! Thanks for understanding and sticking with me ^_^ <3

        Since people aren’t really interacting too much due to the lack of my immediate presence anyway [hey we’re all busy and social media is fickle], I might actually go for: 

        1) scheduling my posts, 

        2) “just lurk/interact/reply during timely shenanigans/announcements/etc" 

        3) keep away from social media/main feed indefinitely

        Actually walk the talk.

        Let things go more. Spend more time on art making instead rather what online people think on a regular basis. I want out from this hamster wheel of being “present” on a schedule. Stop figuring out this schedule altogether. Just be around or not when I want to.

        I can afford to right now since I’m not a struggling freelancer anymore [with much gratitude and appreciation and incredibly lucky to work with Mighty peeps]. I don’t want to feel empty, lonely, insecure during the worst of times after using social media. I’m tired. I do want to be around but sparingly so.

        Social media can be addicting/overwhelming/exhausting and I want to break away from that and appreciate life, art and people offline better I guess. As I’ve said before, that’s where true genuine bonds form and develop. 

        I’m just drawing a new boundary line for myself right now so I can evolve and not care too much about what people think. Break away from my self standard that I *should* respond to everything and just “like” replies if I need to appreciate it (:

        Hey, I will still post stuff! I’ll just be ninja posting!

        And I will still ramble all the things at my own blog ;)

        Phew! Let’s see how this goes! :<


        I'm going to keep figuring this out...without outcasting myself too much somehow. Trying to find a balance of "away" and "hey I'm here". :S

        I guess this is all the "post NZGDC17" me speaking and getting used to limiting my social media usage again. And when MIGW comes around, I'll have to be active again...probably because I'm starved for human interaction online D:

        Perhaps I should be selective with who I reply to. It hasn't reached that point though as I don't get much tweets nowadays. Some artists only reply if there's a question or some witty banter to be had. Perhaps I should start doing that... I do find my replies are a lot of hearts and emojis and thank yous...because that's how I feel at the time. Maybe I'll just have to just "like" posts instead to appreciate people. 

        UGH this is hard as it feels impersonal to me. If someone tweets at you kind words, I feel it necessary to return the favour in appreciation. :< If someone is being mean/creepy/rude/dumping information on me without asking, I'll just move on. *flails arms* Nah. I'll keep thanking people I enjoy thanking people too much! I know how it feels when people ignore you online and offline and I strive to not do that with people I feel comfortable with... :(

        I guess I need to train myself to save myself somehow by ignoring some feeds and cull some things. 

        I know people move on and do their own thing with or without you anyway. You're quite insignificant on the grand scale of things. Who cares about what you do and don't do. Only you do. 

        Shall definitely ramble to my heart's content here. But I'm not so sure about social media now. Facebook...I do have personal friend only rambly posts there. Twitter...I might need to tone it down after this GCAP related hiatus. Or not. Just only reply to things and not check the feed as much. And just keep away from it altogether randomly.

        Trying to make social media less of a burden [I'm not popular at least pffft the numbers are a lie!!] but more of a place to share what I do and interact when I want to. But hey! Much of the actual personal and monthly content goes here at this blog so hullo! ;)

        Thanks for bearing with me, as much as it might seem like I'm putting too much value on social media...I am. A lot of emotional labour here. I'm trying to let go of it more. I've been an isolated hermit for many years and social media is/was all I have. I mean without it, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have kept the few friends I have today.  I mean since posting that essay last week, I got 2 heartfelt brief messages and I found myself teary eyed. People do care about me after all...as lonely we all are on our own paths.

        Social media does have value to me along with its pros and cons.
        I just don't want it to control my feelings, sense of connection/isolation and self worth as much as it has anymore. 


        Right now I'm trying to find a new balance for me so when my current hiatus ends...
        • I don't want to feel tied down to a schedule,  
        • I don't have to reply to everything if I don't have further to add ... if it comes to that
        • I can get back some time for creativity, 
        • I can come and go whenever I need to...sparingly. Haven't figured how often...loosely once/twice a month? Or just like my blog posts? 
        • I can keep my rambles over in friends only facebook posts and/or here at my blog :')  
        • I can just reply to things in a timely fashion. I sorta hate leaving the conversation until it's gone cold. I already deal with it with conversations at work where I can't keep up at all haha 
        • ignore my news feed completely until I feel like I want to catch up! :0 I have to cull some things I follow!
        •  ^ in that case, I can thank people because most people won't even respond and ignore me anyway :P I'll keep doing what I want haha
        I'm just a silly hoomin trying to not depend on social media for human connection too much [again]! ;')




        My goal right now
        Honestly it's to make arting a regular habit and slowly build my skills that way.
        I want to post something I'm happy with everyday with a buffer some time next year onwards. Everything else that is rough and rambly would probably go here in this blog.

        I want to keep evolving!

        I'm not there yet because this talk is consuming my life and probably the rest of the year because I shall be doing this challenge myself and studying.

        That's why I'm making this hard decision to break away from checking what other people are doing on social media more than ever without a schedule. I shall become a lurking online ninja once again. 

        *shakes fist at social media*






        Came across this lovely quote by Maya Angelou [from Brene Brown on her new book]:
        "You are only free when you realise you belong no place - you belong every place - no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great." - Maya Angelou
        This wonderful quote made me feel full with hope inside on just having the courage to be as you are. ^o^ And how difficult it is...but you do it anyway. Thanks Brene for talking about this. Have yet to read her book though. Essentially in the snippets she shared in promoting this book:

        Do not change yourself to belong.
        It's not going to work out in the long run if you're forced to pretend to be someone different than who you are. 
        Don't put your self worth in other people's hands.

        Wonderful reminders. The quote above makes so much sense to me. Because I've always struggled with "belonging" and self worth all my life.  And how I actually went along with the teaching career back then and it was breaking me up inside. Generally at best I just keep quiet about it and get overlooked and I've never felt I truly 100% belong somewhere or with people etc. And probably this is the same for a lot of us. 

        Yes I do have and appreciate my few wonderful friends as much as I don't often see them <3 Yes I do have colleagues I'm slowly warming up to like the bear cat turtle I am <3 Yes I have people who seem to like what I do and I am humbled and grateful that a small handful of people stick around at all as much as I figure out social media. Yes the possibilities of developing and new friendships/connections/relationships gives me hope. Yes I have much to learn and that excites me (:

        Yes I am part of things I believe in. 
        But I realise I do have "the courage to stand alone."
        This is where you find true belonging...to yourself.

        I've been standing alone for most of my life and it's still a struggle.
        You doubt yourself. Whether you're doing the right thing for yourself.
        Because it feels so lonely. Painfully so. 
        Sitting with and acknowledging this helps...it makes me feel human.
        It's okay to be sad and hurt awhile. 

        Get some hugs even. Hugs are wonderful :')
        Some love and self care.

        Ultimately only you, by yourself, can do the things you do. So in that sense, we all stand alone. On our own paths that we forge for ourselves. It's okay if you're confused, lost and frustrated...without this challenge, you do not grow and learn.

        But to see it spoken in this light gives me hope.

        That this is okay.
        Being alone is okay.

        I hope one day I'll read her new book as she goes into "Braving" as well.
        I still haven't finished "Daring Greatly" though. I'll need to read it over to refresh my memory. Whoops!





        Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!

        For those still happy to stick around...thank you <3
        I won't be posting too many repetitive "thank you"s anymore so I'm thanking you here and now. I feel less lonely in my thoughts as I write this into the void :')

        Please do take care of yourself and stay awesome!

        Love and Kindness to you <3

        *whooosh*

        Leonie