JULY 2017: Somehow featured in The Guardian, Game industry rambles, loving lunch catchups & being silly continues

Every now and then…I remember to be grateful for the people who are happy to stick around. Thank you ^_^ <3

You might have noticed I’m posting more art…because blocking myself from social media/seeking online social distraction at home is helping!! ;’)

Thanks for understanding!! (:

I’m not a good/perfect daughter and it’s tiring to shout back but hoy

everything I do can be criticised, nitpicked and insulted to no end

it’s one of those things that makes me tense up, strive to not make any trouble & stresses me out :’)

Hey anger and resentment happens.Sometimes I can’t tolerate anymore being pressured and criticised for every little thing, for not doing enough, for not being allowed to “talk back”/get angry/do things differently and be blamed for everything as I’m doing things. The stress, resentment and judgement makes me all defensive and say things I’m not proud of.

Sometimes things escalate/burst and I run out of patience but it’s another one of those things :’) Probably my culture and our vast generational gap plays a part but essentially we have different values.

I’m not in the right either as I don’t do enough chores, let alone the way he wants it.
He makes a big deal out of taking care of the home *his* way but I can only do so much :<
I’m glad this doesn’t happen everyday but it’s quite a regular thing for me at home…too much to bother counting.

But hey…still family right. It’s all we’ve got.
We still look after each other [safety, food, etc] out of obligation
…just not on a substantial emotional level.
But don’t really care *that* deeply about each other.
No family is perfect! :’)

“Leave!!” you may say, “you are your own person!!”
Here I’m saying I am choosing to just tolerate it for now.
It’s what I’m used to and we trust each other enough to be in the same house after all! We’re all set in this routine and we’re “comfortable” as a dysfunctional family haha
Plus I have my bestest friend and younger brother with me all this time and for that I’m very lucky and grateful to have him, to have home/shelter and a wonderful growing art career. ^_^

Just letting off some steam and to say that hey, I have my own struggles too like anybody else.
He doesn’t understand what I do and won’t see this anyway – shhhh 😉

Afterword since I got a few concerned kind people telling me to move out:

Hey kind peeps, thanks so much for your thoughts. <3
I don’t disagree with you at all. From your perspective it’s clearly unhelpful, toxic and abusive as an environment. That I should have moved ages ago.

It’s not the first time people have told me to move; it’s just that this is the first time I’ve put this into comics publicly. And I figured I should not be ashamed of it but just talk about it with an open mind. Even if people disagree with me.

Usually it’s from people who don’t share or experience the same culture however – they don’t fully comprehend the “caring for your parents” aspect into adulthood. Actually I don’t get guilt tripped into staying either, my dad doesn’t want to have responsibilities for other people actually. He’s a lazy old man.

On the other hand, I do not intentionally want to stay and stuck with my dad forever, it’s mostly because I’m lazy and not bothered to move out [plus my brother is cooking more, yum] just to deal with more responsibilities on my own. As enticing freedom and alone time is important to me. Nope to roommates I don’t trust or know. So you can see where part of the resentment comes from :0

The title is as such because that’s what he calls me – not because I believe it. I’m not taking his verbal abuse seriously anymore. I’m used to it – the after effects is that I get really nitpicky with myself.

I am doing the best I can to get by and I’m putting most of the blame on him; I’ve tried making the relationship work years ago but it’s usually a one way street and I got tired of it. I got tired of bowing down to his orders and “his way”. He’s a stubborn man and he’s “never” wrong. One has to argue with him just to get your own way. I probably got his stubbornness from him haha

I fought for the role to help out with few of the chores and bore with the judgement/criticism. The rest I am admittedly too lazy and not bothered to do chores to his taste to fight for me to do and help out. I’ll learn someday! Just without him and without the stress.

I assure you that now that I have a stable job, he’s mostly left me alone. As long as I give him support money every month, keep him in the know and not disturb his routine/sleep schedule and help him out when he really needs it…it’s actually not as bad now. It feels great when I get through several days or a week without abusive words! He’s just happy to do his own thing, cook for us sometimes and drive us around when we need it.

Of course the situation itself is not ideal! He knows I don’t like helping him at a moment’s notice and usually orders me to come when he really can’t do things alone [I grump about it anyway…especially when it turns out that he’s just lazy].

At worst I get scolded at 1-2 a week [or more if I count all the times I’m too slow or making his life apparently worse] but generally he’s a grumpy, tired, stubborn old man who doesn’t trust anybody aside from family [as critical and abusive his mouth is]. His actions still show that he cares somewhat, but in an abusive way. I am not excusing his terrible behaviour. I am just saying it’s happening much, much less. I’m not a hermit freelancer anymore at home. Now I am out of there when I’m at work and away from him.

I will say that this whole experience has taught me to stay kind with people. Don’t be as abusive as my own dad. Treat people with respect like the humans they are. Yes even to my own dad when I can muster it.

Or just keep away if someone disrespects you. One chooses what and who they surround themselves with. If someone is as rude and abusive as my dad, I will not respect them or give them the time of day. I have plenty of experience of that already; I don’t have time for more terrible, rude people!

Stay kind. Stay positive.
Allow yourself to feel sadness too but grow and get stronger…all that mushy stuff.

I am not saying I’m making the right decision; I am just choosing to stay because it is my home, I am not leaving without my brother just alone with him because we’ve always got each other’s backs, I am the only family he’s got nearby [obligation to take care of family kicks in] and most of all, currently I don’t have the energy/courage/gumption to move out and all the scary research, responsibilities and time spent that will come with that. If I did, I would have move ages ago. Moving out feels like more responsibilities than freedom for me. It’s daunting!

For all you know, I’m wrong for staying. I completely understand that.
From the inside, I just hope you respect my decision, for now.

One day I will maybe move out.

I will definitely ask for help if this ever happens because that’s something I’ve never done before…clearly!! :’)

Appreciation all around! ^o^

I think most people fall under the first category/the wider circle of acquaintances…the second category is so rare to build and find something mutual like that!

Gotta cherish all kinds of friends, as long as they add positively to your life (:

Oh these are just imaginary made up friends I drew :’)

Embracing not being perfect continuessss

and not having silly standards for myself whooosh :’)
I mean I do try to say hello and/or bye to peeps nearby who don’t seem too busy! But sometimes I’m in a hurry, I forget, I’m pretty dead tired, I’m in the middle of something and then it’s whoops – hope I’m not too rude :<

This happened 7 years ago.

But I wept with sadness when I recalled this memory just recently.

Admittedly I’m teary-eyed as I type this too.

The fear and shame of being exposed as a fraud, not enough and incompetent is still strong in my very core. Because I have been there. No matter how hard I tried, I was truly incompetent as a teacher. My emotions burst as a result after holding it in for so long.

Since making art was “impossible”…being a teacher was the only career that seemed stable and fit with how I loved to learn. At this moment in my life in the comic, it felt like way I saw and pretended the world was supposed to be was tumbling down, my attempts at denial were failing and my existence was really a waste of space in the end. I dreaded the possibility that I was going to grow old and retire as a lonely, broken Maths and I.T High School teacher. It felt like I trapped myself into a dead end.

That said, I’m not as afraid of being “incompetent” or “not good enough”.

Hey I still am afraid. Very afraid of disappointing others and letting people down. I disappointed my family already hah :’) ! But because I finally came around, changed my career, spent several years lost + unemployed and focused on my soul’s need to create and learn…I believe in myself that I can just keep going at it, stay honest with myself and eventually I will forge my way to go wherever I end up going. Even now, I don’t know where I’m going but I’m going to enjoy this journey! 😉

Again, I will not take it for granted and I don’t care how repetitive I am – I am terribly grateful, honoured and humbled I am able to art away for a living, among people at Mighty who are much better and smarter than me. <3

I hope my sharing one of my lowest moments of my life gives you strength, hope, resilience, persistence, courage and comfort that you *can* go on and you can be the kind of person you aspire to be.Whoever you are…having a good ugly cry is normal and feels wonderful too; release all that pent up stress from your body and allow your body to experience the truth and pain of your feelings. Release all those terrible thoughts and feelings in the form of your tears and grow stronger.

Know when to seek for help too because unfortunately I didn’t…I ended up teaching for the whole year like a stubborn silly soul, faking my way to nowhere. You are not weak for seeking help. You are brave to be vulnerable and to let go of your pride and ego.

You are human with thoughts and feelings.

You are not alone.

Blame Lauren & Meg 😉

Understand I limit my use & who I follow/friend to manage #SocialMediaOverwhelm

And here’s some things I wrote up about little me and the games industry but didn’t end up needing. And probably repetitive! I’ve written up a better post two months ago so check that instead about my history with the games industry.Still I’m dumping my rambling here since I can do what I want here! ;D

How did I get into games? [yes not a new topic but I’m dumping my notes/ramble anyway]
I didn’t intentionally set out to be part of the games industry, especially when I’m such a quiet and introverted and reserved person who doesn’t want to go late at night to drink and/or party just to network. That’s the impression and stories I hear about how most people are “getting into the industry”. Many people meet at such an atmosphere. I have too but not much anymore…parties are overwhelming to me so I don’t do it often! They’re still important as one of the many ways to meet new people. It’s very effective for most people!

Just not for me.

Before I set out to become an artist, I was an incompetent newbie Maths and I.T. teacher and I finally felt fed up of forcing myself down the path I did not really want and started again with a career I want to genuinely fight for.

I can’t really say for sure how I got into games, it was more of a really, really, really slow winding journey where I tried things, failed, met a few people if I’m lucky and kept posting art and learning. I just kept doing this, not expecting anything in return. I knew how low chances are in making a substantial living from being an artist. It was discouraging. I was trying to keep my head above the surface of despair. My old blog posts will show the struggles I had back then!

I was and still am most awed by character designers, visual development artists of animated films, video game concept artists and artists of the illustration industries. I didn’t think it was possible and didn’t know where I belonged. Not that I ever did belong anywhere 100%.

I didn’t know where I would end up since I was still learning but I ended up doing a graduate animated film with a team,

• which got into the Melbourne International Animation Festival in 2014 and 7 other small animation festivals
• struggled with freelancing but made the most of my few illustration jobs,
• participated in Game Jams even when I haven’t made games before [since my art apparently suits the indie game scene than illustration],
• made marketing art for an indie game in development called GunBlocks [apparently they’re working on it again…maybe]
• made some character designs and art for a visual novel game in development called Maid with Love,
• started the Hermit Burpcast because being isolated really makes you existential in 2015,
• kept going to some networking things and pushed myself sometimes whenever I can bear it,
• Drew people when I attended talks for fun, learning and when I finally posted them on twitter, people started to know me(?),
• Made videos as I played video games just so that I’m not always focused on art
• Applied to Mighty Games but got rejected in 2015 – I wasn’t expecting anything because it was a Senior Role – I only applied because I was encouraged to do it anyway for the interview experience by a kind lady 😉
• Was determined in just continuing the hard road of learning, freelancing if it ever happens and just posting art
• but then I got offered a job at Mighty in 2016 January to my shock and surprise
• started learning the ropes on voxel art
• attempted to do BurpAvatar/portrait commissions but it didn’t do well or terribly
• Got to do two PAXAus panels as a drawer~!
• Got to keep drawing people at conferences as per usual because essentially it’s a fun project for me!
• Got to do another Game jam
• Got a sudden Kotaku Australia feature
• Got to work on art for Framed 2 this year! :0
• And The Guardian feature…? What is happening…?!

And now I’m here still grateful, humbled and in shock.
I’m not going to expect anything…as usual.
I’ll just keep learning & trying new things.

I don’t know my destination/where I’m going but I’m going to take the journey as it comes!! 😀

Games industry in Australia
Not that I know much! It’s definitely growing though. And the government needs to notice this…it’s slowly getting better! Companies are expanding and hiring! And a lot of new indie games companies are growing too! It’s still an incredibly hard industry to get to. There’s not enough and I mean *not* enough jobs for the many, many thousands of graduates, students, professionals to stay or get into the industry.

This is a reason why people start and grow their own businesses to develop their own games…quite a risky and terrifying thing to do!

There’s also a huge need to have a lot of eggs in different baskets.

Once you’ve mastered one area, you expand.
You need to keep evolving and learning.

This is not really the industry you go for solely for money – there are better industries if you want to make a huge annual income. Tech companies pay better with much better conditions for instance.

It is not glamourous but for those of us who care – we do our best to take care of each other and not let anyone burn out. We do this because we love what we do, we take joy in people experiencing the games we make and it’s a constantly changing industry thanks to all the developments in technology!!

Games can be many more things and I’m looking forward in seeing things grow and evolve!! And then I can play them ;D

What I Love about the industry and community

• I remember the many friendly kind faces I say hello to – I don’t know them well but all the same it’s sweet!! Especially sweet when I was unemployed and a nobody. [I’m still a nobody though ;P] Sure they forget and we’re all distant/aloof again but in that case, one moves on.
• I remember people who were kind to me – even though I believed myself to be a nobody with no experience under my name! Now some of which I am honoured to call them my friends or good acquaintances. Whichever because people come and go…I usually don’t know people enough to be a close, dependable friend anyway. :<
• I see how people are so willing to help each other out, support and share experiences across different companies/projects~! <3
• I see how people have much in common because we all play video games to various extents. Building friendships because of shared interests, not because you want something from somebody. I don’t have many games in common with other people though I have probably watched gameplay of that game you’ve been talking about 😉 Admittedly it was hard for me because I am surrounded by passionate gamers and game developers while I just watch people play video games mostly haha :’)
• When people from players of games, game developers, educators and media all work together to celebrate games in general!
• Games that are made just for the fun of it, different from the usual commercial kind of games and given out for free are amazing too! Personal, heartfelt, narrative driven games!
• I agree with this post about the ickyness of networking; I’d rather find people I’m comfortable learning from and be friends with them instead…if they want to that is :<

It’s wonderful when I see beauty and warmness glowing from the kindness and generosity from the industry and community. (:

What I don’t love about the industry and community

• Most people don’t succeed in making games but the more popular, famous developers [who have succeeded] have survivor bias. As a result, they get the most attention for their perceived wealth, fame, growth and good game for their target audience. It’s not as glamourous as it seems. It’s full of hard work, dedication, luck, strategy, failure and being practical. In the end, it’s just like any business and you’re making a product for your target consumer.
• People who use and take what they can get and discard and ignore your existence once they’ve got or can’t get what they want. Social climbers, people call them? People who see people as collectables – to increase their social currency rather than respect them as human beings. Hey many of us have been taught to do this but I find it pointless, shallow and the pressure to follow/friend back is strong and suffocating. It’s the icky side of “networking”. I don’t want to follow/friend back just because I want more people I don’t know in my friends list. It’s meaningless to me :<
• People who insist that drinking and going to networking parties is the *only* way to connect with people as friends – there’s still so much emphasis on such parties and I don’t go to them because I find it too noisy, crowded and too dark to draw anything. I feel so alone too…perhaps having a buddy would help but I don’t know! I don’t want to strain to raise my quiet voice either. It definitely works for most people though! It’s fun for them but not me. I’m more at peace with this – if I’m not having fun then it’s not really a good environment for me to meet new people anyway.
• Crunch time is not the norm. People should not be abused, driven to burn out and consequently be quitting the industry altogether 🙁
• People outside of the industry who look down on people in the games industry – games are not all about shooting and killing!! There are games about love, story, weird silly fun things, rhythm, making friends, building things, collaboration, exploring, personal stories, making choices that change the narrative, beautiful worlds to experience, playing with your friends, cooking, farming, managing a hospital, all the many possibilities!
• People who bully and disrespect others for their own agenda and want to prop themselves up as an expert in games. And I must add that I am not an expert in games…know what I’m saying is just my perspective 😉
• I fear being too public online because of the fear of scrutiny and harrassment = so far no one has been mean to me online since I joined the industry – I hope this doesn’t change~!! :<
• No creeps please…I sort of block them out when I feel brave enough to do so.
• People who don’t value what you’re worth and try to get you to work for free or just for profit share or just try to squeeze as much information and time out of you solely for their own gain. That’s another level of selfish and disregard for other people who are trying to help out, survive and not burn out!
• The downsides of awards and recognition in games for those who are left under the radar – it’s usually the same loud, bold, amazing, outspoken, extroverted, active, famous, popular people who are visible and make things happen. It’s hard to get people who are unknown recognised. Which is why I’m surprised I get anything at all. I am lucky to have kind peeps who are better than me 😉 I’m sure there’s more unknown and more awesome people than me out there! That said, it definitely feels sweet when people appreciate you and your work…which explains my amounts of emojis and outbursts of gratitude. Cherishing it as if these kind things won’t happen for me again :’) Then again, most of us don’t do this for fame and recognition…we just enjoy our jobs! 😀
• Another downside of awards and recognition is that once you get it, you want more of it as you grow and develop yourself and your projects. I avoid this by focusing on the present, forget it and moving on. Just keep learning at your own pace and enjoy the process. I am doing this because I enjoy learning and art…not because I want fame/awards/what not. I mean as long as I’m working on being good at what I do and get known for that I’m happy!! But that’s a long way away! (:
• One day ageism [on top of all else to do with my heritage, gender, etc] might come into play and things may be worse for me, who really knows?
• The downsides for industry friendships and cliques that form – people who are new and fresh feel excluded and left out! Don’t stick too much with your own group of friends when it’s an industry social thing…meet some new people! On the other hand, the entitlement people may feel in wanting someone else’s valuable time is also a thing. Treat them for lunch or afternoon tea if you’d like to talk and pick someone’s brain! Don’t demand or expect someone’s friendship and/or time! They are just like anybody else…this takes time to build in an organic and genuine way. How can you help them? And I’m terrible at this because my energy levels drain so quickly at social things with so much stimulation :<
• People who feel a diversity agenda as a bad thing. One time, I was not impressed when someone told me that I have these good opportunities only “because I’m a girl”. I was annoyed but kept being polite. Sure it might be part of the reason but definitely not the only reason! There are a lot of diverse creatives who are working at it and forming their own voices but are definitely under the radar and unheard in a competitive industry. There are also many people in the industry [regardless who they are] who are really good with people but not quite there with skill and are admirably learning and succeeding anyway. So what! We need to have a more variety of experiences in the games we make, more diverse role models and together we can make fun and wonderful games! It’s more about encouraging more voices and experiences to be part of the games industry and at the moment, the statistics are improving but it’s still not that great and a huge struggle. It’s not about preventing people from making games, it’s about changing the impression that only white cis males are welcomed, encouraged & succeed in making them.
• As for me, I do have my own skills and my own voice I bring to the table. I am always learning too which keeps me going! 😀 I don’t know for sure what that is yet but hey, we’re always growing!
• When people think i’m only here because I’m a non dude, of asian heritage and generalise my gender :< No it’s my own fault/ability/perspective, not because of those other things! :<

Please send halp :’)Oh that is a huge plushie toothbrush.
For reasons I do not know of.

*This is not official Mighty art, just me being silly & taking the idea further haha

Trying to apply for my first Adult passport ^o^

• so failed my passport interview the first time – mainly because I forgot my expired kid passport? :< I tried again!! I am so grateful for the kind people who are helping me with this [coughLaurencough] <3 Gosh the fee is expensive!! But I finally did it! Phew! I’m getting my passport!! WOO!
• I did my first phone interview for the Guardian; I spent two nights preparing and it was all not used at all! :’) I almost fell asleep waiting for the call but I saw a cute sad puppy so it’s all good now! The interview itself was lovely and I felt quite reassured too! ^_^
• also did my first photoshoot [disrupting my workplace, apologies!!] And my fake smile felt really dead…I don’t know. I’ll just trust the photographer that the photos are good. I know for sure that I do not want to be a model as a profession; nope. I felt quite stiff and awkward after a while!! And then the photo that got picked was not me looking into the camera but into the screen…like I usually do when working haha
• got treated to a vegetarian lunch by Kath; it was yummy but it was quite a lot!! :0 Reminded me of the times I had to go to Sunday school/volunteering at a Buddhist temple – had heaps of free vegetarian food there (:
• Productivity and learning feels awesome!!
• I’m feeling more relaxed, silly and happier at work and with peeps! I don’t know. I’m just feeling somewhat better about myself. ^_^
• So happy that more kind people know that I love lunch catch ups more now <3 Because at night I just want to turn off and nap and go home haha! Lunch catch ups [as you can see my BurpDoodles above] with more kind peeps Kalonica & Liam! Woo! And I met Justine too!
• As buddy and embodiment of generosity Lauren says, “try and stay kind”. Definitely underrated and hard to do when you’re low on energy and do not have the forethought to consider others! I don’t always consider what others may be feeling and I may not be the most hospitable…because I live inside my own head so much!! :S Figuring this out.
• I keep considering celebrating the fact that I’ll eventually get close to 1111 twitter followers but my gut says no…I don’t want to celebrate an arbitrary number – ah well! I’ve honestly never thought I would ever, ever get past 1000 anyway. It was such a slow snail pace and only when I didn’t care and lost all hope in any form of audience did things surprise me at random! Gosh what’s the point of this follow number aside from snap judgement and impressions? :S I still feel like myself. The number itself still feels like nothing because usually a small handful actually interact with you – they are the ones who matter!! :’)

Doing a NZGDC17 talk on the Wonderful World of Character Design!! 
Super excited & nervous & not ready so I’ll be training this August. Goodbye world 😉 Spent monies & booked in late last night! What can I do with my travel buddy in 1.5 days in New Zealand? :0

Submitting a talk to GCAP too eep!! I am so glad Lauren helped me out with my terrible pitch. Only doing this because I’m preparing for a talk for NZGDC anyway…if my passport comes through the mail!! (: I don’t expect to talk at GCAP though!

I am terrified of public speaking…not deathly afraid since I’ve faced the horrors of talking to classrooms of teenagers who don’t want to be there [well the loud mouths that is 😉 ]. But it’s different in that I might be in front of people who are not only in the industry but much, much better than me :<

I’m not exactly a beginner anymore…but I’m not a veteran/expert either with independently famous work to show. I am the middle, floating about at this skill level probably for many decades to come. And I’m fine with that! I’m slowly letting go of the idea that I’m a beginner in terms of my place in the industry, but I’ll still keep learning like I am one! If that makes sense! I’m going to keep acting like a learning newbie!

I’m coming from a place of learning together with attendees instead to keep my fear of being caught a fraud [imposter syndrome] in check. Hopefully I can grow at least to get better at talking :0

For now, the coming months leading up to NZGDC and GCAP [if they accept my talk that is] will be me busy studying and preparing and learning for the talk!! I’ll be turning down social things and other things that aren’t helping me with this talk. I am excited about my topic! I want to give it my all, do my best and treat this as my first and final talk ever.

Also I have never traveled overseas [aside when being a small kid] so going to New Zealand will be exciting! I’m going to ask people what I can do in New Zealand because I have no clue! I don’t know how to plan to get there but I’ve got some kind suggestions within the city at least!! :0

Aaaah ;D!!! EXCITED & SCARED!

Considering not being as active with the internet