AUG2017: “Character Design! I want to learn ALL the things!!” // NZGDC & GCAP prep, QuestyQuest, CharmingRunes & ol’ CharmingKeep

It’s a mixture of relaxed, tense to be among people and just too focused on what work needs to be done :SI like to keep “work mode” versus “social/silly mode” separate :0

Competition helps you grow but only if it’s healthy!

Not saying traveling alone is bad, in fact there’s a lot of freedom, meeting new people, fun eye opening experiences and responsibility! I’ve done it when I went to Adelaide by myself! But sharing the experience together with peeps is when memories get made <3If I catch the travel bug, I want to go to Nintendo Land when that finally happens 😉 I don’t know where else in the world I’d want to go…it’ll be more of a “research it, then let’s go on an adventure and find out more about it!!!” than a bucket list kind of thing. I know that once I get traveling…I need to not get carried away because I’ll probably want to do lots the more I find out about new things to do while trying to not exhaust myself haha

Right now I have all I want/need here in Melbourne as I strive to grow to be better as an artist and person. ^o^

There’s also juggling between traveling to learn about the place and traveling to just relax and take a break[?] when I get to New Zealand :0

The old version: but I felt I was overusing the logo :0
The final version is below 😀

BurpDoodle: My NZGDC17 Character Design talk miraculously got into GCAP17 too!

BurpDoodle: My NZGDC17 Character Design talk Intro Slide! ❤

OKAY enough recap! Back to the present!
ALWAYS. Always love learning. <3
In a deliberate and tunnel vision way.
I can’t juggle too much haha

Anyhoo!

Quiet Training mode these months!!
And probably this will continue but not as much intensity…because I am *enjoying* this learning ^o^

I’ll be doing my first conference talk at NZGDC in the coming week after this post is published so EEP!! And there’s GCAP as well!! Aaah!! I’ve put regular BurpDoodles to the side and everything. I’m giving it my best!! >.<;

Hopefully the talks won’t be a disaster though as it’ll be recorded on the internet forever too….nooooooooo :’)

I’m a fraud. *waves my arms about*

A lot of “ahhhhh I want to do all these things but it’s not practical right now!!”
There’s SO MANY things I want read and learn but there’s not enough time to do everything in time for the conference. I’ve got a lot of things I want to read but I’ll need to put deadlines on myself to get myself going.
It is definitely a life long journey. (:

I hope to do my best, push the momentum and keep at the training after the conference too! Well after I recover from intense social stuff over there :0
Regardless, I’m going to document my progress here as usual. 😉

I have been loosely planning what I should do and cutting down my scope each time! So…I have 200 pages of digital notes, down to 100, then down to 60, then down to 30…and cut to 24 pages by now…trying to cull things!

Eventually I hope to get back onto practicing Vector Art again for work and ignore that voice that says I’m not good or experienced enough to do “actual in game vector art that works effectively in a game engine”. :’) Eventually I want to do try more new things and concept my own games…as ideas at least! :0

But one thing at a time!
I have a loose plan…to do things at my own pace 😉

My spare time at home is taken up with conference prep so far since I want to do my best!! >.<;

Gosh my bro was saying “you’re getting known in the industry!! I’m proud of you!! You’re doing all this work to get known right?”

And me squirming replied: “aww but no…I’m doing this so I can learn more about this topic! I won’t get known for this. It’s just two talks.”

You get famous from doing talks right??? NAH not really. Peh. Who cares.
Well who cares what I’m going to say??
Well…what do I know.

All along, I intended to just attend other people’s talks and never considered actually giving one. Yet my gut feeling is just “yes, let’s do it” anyway when NZGDA approached and invited me to come over. Take the chance!!

Perhaps this is me trying to prove that I’m not an incompetent teacher after all…without actually being an educator. Perhaps I’m trying to get over my aversion to teaching a large group as a whole due to my past experiences as a terrible high school Maths teacher, where most of your own students hate your guts and feeling ashamed about my choices back then…

Now I’m just trying not to fail too badly haha

Hey…I’m learning at least – talking, traveling, character design, pretending I know what I do, all that comfort zone breaking stuff! 😀

That’s genuinely my main reason for doing this.

I want to grow my self confidence by jumping into public speaking fire :’D
Mighty Game Shenanigans: QuestyQuest, Stabby Dog & Charming Keep
Well, here’s some old Mighty art I’m finally able to show. Or remembered to.
The ones I sort of like that is!! A lot of them didn’t get used…I think I’m allowed to show those too as they’re out of date by now 😉

QuestyQuest Release Marketing Poster & Art

I made this to get the hype going internally for the release for QuestyQuest! Cats right? 😉

QuestyQuest Poster Illustration: version 1 of 4
The versions not shown were too terrible to me 🙁
This was Scott‘s favourite due to the mood :0!
Actually this was the first poster version I did but I wasn’t happy with it, the clutter and composition annoyed me and so I made more versions!

QuestyQuest Poster Illustration: version 4
I pushed for this final one [and because deadlines exist too!]
Still terribly cluttered, but I feel more confident [not 100% happy though haha] at this point than my previous attempts! Scott was kind & terribly encouraging in his feedback which was most reassuring to hear.
Gotta keep working at it and kill your darlings as they say! :0

QuestyQuest Concept Art: Hats & Weapons
Some of them got made & polished up by Scott into the release version of the game! Yay! 😀

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Oh noes
So much tapping; and I’m terrible at this game or rather I don’t have the reflexes/patience to play it haha

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Yo I’mma Dragon

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Oi the Dragon is talking to you
Obviously this can’t be used 😉

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: So there’s this game over here…

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Hey stahp tapping me

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: So I hear you like bats? Quite, quite.
I did the original concept for Vampire dude while Scott stylised it to suit the game as you see the design here!! 😀

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Time for some sweet statues!
I did the original concept for the Medusa too while Scott stylised it further! 😀

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: With our powers combined, we are Questing for Loot!

QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Vampire feeling hungry

2nd art iteration of the QuestyQuest Prototype 

I worked with Scott Beca with this previous iteration of QuestyQuest known as StabbyMedievalEurope; featuring Stabby Dog & Flour Sack
Stabby Dog’s so happy when Stabby Dog stabs 😉

StabbyMedievalEurope; featuring WheatBarrel & BalloonWabbit
I made these names up since these didn’t get used at all 😉

StabbyMedievalEurope; featuring Stabby Dog!!
A makeshift placeholder logo I did :0

Old Charming Keep Illustrations & Concept Art

Charming Keep Illustration: featuring Wanda the Witch!!
I hope that was her name!! I made this illustration of Scott‘s character design last year! I figured since I’ve shown it on my computer desktop, I might as well show it here too ;0 These illustrations didn’t get used because it’s too much memory for mobile!

Charming Keep Illustration: featuring Katy Fairy!!
Illustration of Scott‘s design; also my desktop wallpaper for a long while now since last year haha

Charming Keep unused Concept Art: fantasy focused things
I did these last year and some of them might have been made, or not!
I have no idea anymore as I haven’t been directly involved with this game beyond this and illustrated marketing art.

Charming Keep unused studies
These are old pieces :0

The past month: Super Social Media Hiatus Mode Ramble!
Because of my attempts to train at a passable level for the talk I did this:

The social media break itself has been wonderful!

The impending doom when I have to catch up eventually again is a scary notion though! I’ve been feeling the effects of feeling this sense of social responsibility to respond to things and keep up to date with things [having to have an online presence!] but I’m actively ignoring them to give myself space and time for what I need to do :<

And then when I peek at my Buffer analytics of my fb posts, apparently no one is reacting to my recent posts anymore. NOTHING. 🙁 I guess hiatuses are a bad thing if your intention is engagement?! I don’t know for sure since I’m mostly blocked from the site itself but it really felt disheartening to know that no one really cares about scheduled posts without your responses & presence around :’)

Gosh maybe I should quit Facebook…but I can’t. Because I know *nobody* will tell me if I’m missing out on something and I will be completely out of the loop than I already am!

I know *friends* go beyond & are OUTSIDE of facebook – in person! And I have very few of those. I guess I’m just feeling the emptiness in my gut, knowing that almost everyone on my little fb friends list are just acquaintances who probably don’t see my posts, held together by the fickle thing called facebook. Why should I care so much about people I barely know? 🙁

Still I really want to reclaim my time and not spend too much time on facebook when I finally get back to it. Sure you get what you put in…but not really. You can’t demand and feel entitled an equal transaction – it’s out of your control. I would have given up years ago if I believed in that!

Usually it ends up being a huge timesink especially as someone who used to thank each person who was willing to spend time to comment at all. Lurking is a huge past time for the majority of fb users too. Most people don’t even bother acknowledging they’ve seen your posts! Time is scarce! We don’t all check each others’ posts regularly either…so what’s the point of putting so much value on social media Leonie?? LEONIE!! You silly soul!

Leonie! Stahp using this as your way to alleviate your loneliness! It’s an empty thing to do ;P Develop your sense of confidence and self worth elsewhere! [I’m figuring it out! Aaah!!]

Now I’m learning to like comments instead if I have nothing to say/add to save some time and still appreciate a comment. I feel tired of responding to every single thing with the same “thank yous”…I don’t want to make too much time for it anymore. Maybe I’m old and I’m sick and tired of clutter and time wasters in my life.

Definitely: I want to enjoy the few interactions & shenanigans I have [if I have anybody left on facebook ;P ] and then come back next week haha

All this emotional labour and dependency on social media for connection is a fickle and terrible thing so I’ve been sorting out my social media system again.

As much as I wanted to push for every two weeks, I’ve changed it so it’ll be weekly on Fridays [today] for both twitter and facebook!!

Friday can be my wind down day 😀

Ultimately I do want to focus on in person 1 to 1 bonding because that’s how real connections happen between people…for me :< It’s essentially why I appreciate rare catch up 1 to 1 lunches! I want more of them!! <3 I haven’t been brave enough to initiate & ask others to do lunch though because I assume everyone is busy with their own friends and life :S Aside from my brother, I don’t really have anyone to depend on at short notice if I need help and emotional support.

Still, social media helps you learn about someone’s professional/interesting outward selves & personal hobbies [if they choose to share] but it can only go so far. It’s great to keep tabs on the snippets of interesting stuff people do!!

I think weekly works in general for me – I just need to make sure I don’t check as much stuff. As addictive and amazing it is to keep tabs on everything, most of the time it’s unnecessary and unhelpful to me or anyone since I cannot help/contribute properly anyway.

Sure sometimes there’s some rare resources but most of the time, the internet is full of noise. I tried TweetDeck. It was great for a while. I do not like tweetdeck now as it presents all these feeds at once and it’s simply overwhelming after a while of using it. I don’t want more distractions in my life…I don’t end up doing anything I’m proud of by consuming social media.

I’m trying to care less about online engagement and acting a certain way online…and as a result I’m using emojis a lot this year or so haha

I used to despise emojis because of how low effort it is compared to words. GOSH, what I lack of effort – I used to think!! I used to give rambly thank yous online! I sometimes still do when I want to deeply appreciate someone.

But I do use emojis now and embrace it because it’s the emotional energy I have left to spare to appreciate what you say with the limited time I want to spend on social media. I express my feelings through emojis because it allows me to communicate impulsively my gut feeling without thinking/filtering/editing myself when I type things out in words.

It also allows me to be silly 😉

My #MOTHER3 Frog in a Car Plush ❤ is here!!
[by Amanda Flagg]
Love this game + cuteness of this Save Frog plushie! ^o^

Look it’s my cuddly cute thing :’) <3

Quick BurpDoodle: I was at my little corner with a buddy & missed a lot of people?! I can’t see anyway; a lot of watching people crowded into a small space catching up haha :’)

An article with perspectives on Why I don’t stay out at night as a regular thing :<

Note that I have been harassed and sexually harassed by strangers before regardless of time of day a long time ago…

But I feel most unsafe when it’s dark, there’s not much people and late at night. And since I live elsewhere from everyone else, going home on my own is something I try to minimise doing. I don’t have any close friends I can “crash” at, as they call it. And I don’t have people I can walk along the way to a station or something – safety in numbers. So I’d rather not stay out late it unless I really want to go to something and it’s a rare one off or random thing…taxi/uber/shebah ride I guess!

I have done it before [safely] but the fear, stress and intense desire to get home asap increases the later at night it gets. And I really don’t want to deal with more stress when I’m so tired at the end of the day. I just want to nap on the train home!! :’)

Sometimes, things are worth going since I rarely do social things!
So it has to be actually fun and interesting to me to be there.

When I’m so drained and tired at the end of the day, inviting me to a loud, crowded, dark lit, socially intense, overwhelming drinking party is the last thing I want haha

I should schedule more recovery rest times during the day beyond just once/twice :0 Because occasionally, I will say yes because I want to give it a go and feel brave enough to do so. Hang around a couple of hours before my energy goes into the negatives haha

Undoubtedly I feel special when people invite me [hey people have stopped inviting me when I keep saying no…so I appreciate invites all the same when it happens!! They probably don’t know what I’m interested in I guess]!

If it was low key and there’s things to do like games, learning, etc then maybe 😉 Or day time activities; if it was a daytime party/event, at least I have the light/sunlight to draw people when I get bored & isolated from the socially incredible people 😉 People won’t care too much if I’m there or not right?

I want fun things to do to make it worth my trouble to stay late at night, not worry about being interesting & actively social at a party, over spend my energy away and make sure I get home safely :’) Game nights with a small group of peeps maybe? Just no crowds where people are jostling each other. Not for me. :<

I don’t know 100% what I want for sure though as I’m too busy in training mode right now anyway haha

Why am I talking about this? Well because kind people have invited me to things in recent months and I feel terrible for saying no. :’)
I don’t regret saying no though because I have things to do…I am such an alien compared to most people! But I know I’m not alone!

Felt dark, tired and discouraged every now and then. Not going into specifics but there was a horrible heavy feeling of despair and hurt in my gut as a result of it. I haven’t felt like this for a while! I made sure to allow myself to let it out privately to myself.

But learning to focus on the present and being grateful for the general kind & better people around me helped! Growing to feel a little better, positive and a little stronger now. (:

Don’t worry about things out of your control too long…just assume the best of things and keep on going!! I need time to let things go as much as I want to speed up the process.

That said, I’m feeling happier that 1 to 1 lunches are happening more…well occasionally!! Just don’t expect doodles every time and of every person…! I’m not anyone’s art monkey! People need to earn it & I only do gift art when *I* genuinely want to 😛 It’s rare to find people who appreciate 1 to 1 lunches together *with* you too because it means there’s a great possibility of mutual connection ^o^

In other social group situations, it’s a lot of growing to enjoy your own company even if you are in the presence of other people. I’m not great at it but striving to focus on making my own fun…which is sticking with people I already know or drawing and being out of the way (: And when I am talking to someone…I juggle between focusing on one person and ignore everyone else and just staying in Listen Mode when people are talking haha

I just want to insist again that my life isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect, I have my own struggles and I had to say “no” to many things to protect my “yes”es.

Do I contract/tense up or do I feel energized and keen?
I’m listening to my gut feeling/body more so that I make decisions from a genuine place. Not because of pressure or fear of missing out.

But because I want to be there or do it, I want to enjoy/appreciate it and I feel it’s worth my time. (:

BurpDoodle: This is me at work & at home this whole month.I’m trying to be brave with my comfort zone aaaah!! 
Thank you for being so lovely & understanding with me 😭

Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!

Wah it’s going to happen!! Eep!! NOT ready .__.

I am scared. How is this even happening?!

See you next month with a proper recap on NZGDC17!  (: