Striving to Kick Butt outside of Voxels & SuperListenMode with BurpDoodles & VectorBurpQuest IV [FEB2017]

 SuperListenMode: Interactions

Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel sad about this sometimes. Or at least don’t look so sad/bored whoops. I am listening intently to the conversations mind you where I can and laugh along and when I can’t anymore I zone out and end up looking miserable and bored looking hahaGroup/mingling conversations definitely boost the loud, articulate, talkative, entertaining, storytelling and/or extroverted kinds of people especially when they’re among established friends.

Meanwhile I’m just looking for one person to talk & connect to at a time and that maybe happens 1-2 times .___.
At least I’m okay with just being present, sitting wherever there’s room & seeing people having fun (: Apologies if you see me doing this and being boring company; I’m doing my best to listen and following along with others’ conversations as it is :< And that drains my energy as time goes by as I emotionally listen & engage (I’m not even doing anything physically taxing!) D:

It’s a lot of figuring out who do I genuinely want to be silly and ramble with before I’m tired out – on a mutual basis?

Anyhoo I really need to just bring my sketchbook more often :’)
So I can have moments to recover from this social stuff haha

SuperListenMode: Hugs of Appreciation
Being okay with sadness and getting some quiet & compassionate hugs from my bro haha. I mean we both get grumpy at each other too so D:

 SuperListenMode: I’m one of those Aliens

 SuperListenMode: Don’t stare at me like meat >.<;

This happened ages ago when I was volunteering.

Please no bulging intense eyes – I’m a person!! Ok arguably an alien person hahaPlease no silently staring and consistently making people uncomfortable either D:

Here’s the terrible finished poses as a gif.

Definitely not animation hahaApparently it suits as a “Deal with it” gif and I do agree hum hum!
No one cares about this game including me ;____;
I’m just using it to draw this lady haha

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Reflecting on this BLOG itself: a blog existential crisis…coming to full circle [RAMBLE AHEAD]
I know that *many* artists just post cool art and focus all on that. This is effective, especially everyone going to instagram. Or something like that. Or whatever’s popular right now. IT WORKS and it’s cool.They probably save A LOT of time from *not* typing up long rambly blog posts like these. Like what I’m doing right now. But then again, they probably have several close friends they can talk to about their worries without fear of burdening someone else. This is my place to ramble about my art/life journey so far, insecurities and fears and shenanigans I guess :’)I’ve been all over the place in recent years.It seems I’m happy to just post videos on events like video diaries and I’m happy to do those…as it keeps me occupied and not worry about impressing people in person haha – I have something I can do and create!! It’s reminiscent of when I enjoyed making home videos on VHS! 😀

I’m not making art talks or HermitBurp talks or LeonieTalks about movies anymore because I’m not feeling it firstmost and I don’t think people are interested…judging by the numbers. The Your Name one did relatively well for some reason though around 50 ish views as of writing this? Though in a global sense, 50 is nothing.

Perhaps I’ll do more gameplay for the fun of it and stream that even but that’s all :0 I can’t do the “talk and art” thing as I’m really a one thing at a time person and I refuse to get distracted from arting by also catering to having internet company. My one track mind is a strength and a weakness as you know. :S

Is this something that can be trained?? Because I did try and my mind hated trying to juggle with two roles at once 🙁

That said, I have drawn in front of people on two panels last year but that was at the whim of quick requests. And very much a stream of consciousness and fun doodling haha Now that was great! FUN! 😀

Perhaps I will stream one day but I don’t know what I would be comfortable streaming with :< Perhaps a draw whatever stream and a Q&A thing. But I honestly don’t think there’s a demand for that.

I’m happy to keep doing SuperListenMode comics but I might consider changing styles in 7 months’ time (yes that’s how much buffer I have now GOSH I am going to be known for this comic for a long while yet ahhh what am I doing to myself) or even have a bit more colour somewhere…or not!

It’s a juggle on how much time I’d want to spend on what kind of art D: It originally did have some colours but I’ve streamlined it so it’s not illustration-esque but more toony. This is because I want to do them fast and out of the way…as much as I don’t want them to represent the sort of art I do. 🙁

I’m happy to keep making BurpDoodles as well…twice or once a week too where I experiment or express something through art and illustration 😀

I post all of the above on social media. And then some more here.

Plus I am using social media in short bursts nowadays because it comes to a point where you’re just spending too much time on the internet. Honestly I don’t get much notifications anyway due to my boundaries and infrequent activity so my presence doesn’t matter most of the time from my perspective :S

Nooooobody cares *that* much if you’re there on social media everyday or not.
Noooobody cares if I’m there either, objectively everyone is caring about themselves and whatever comes up on their feed…we’re all managing the best we can. But I’m still admittedly feel validated and grateful when I do get likes from people I care about, truly. Oh human condition! I should distance myself
Yesmore from social media validation sometimes :’)

And what about this blog?

I ramble a lot indeed (I’m doing it now with a stream of consciousness! Ramble rambly ramble!! Yo!) I reflect on a deeper level and dump all the rough art I haven’t shown elsewhere here (if I bothered taking photos).

The readership is relatively small and similar to twitter especially: it’s like shouting to a void or echo chamber haha

In some respects it’s a good thing for me because I expect getting ignored whereas on facebook it feels terrible when people in your friends circle ignore you. :S Hey, I’m just saying it hurts and this is why I don’t post as much on facebook nor stalk too many people on facebook. Because I know I can get obsessive because my own sense of lack of connection so I remove the temptation altogether. Some weird psychology or something in my mind :S

One could argue that I could put some more of my personal ramblings on facebook but I’d rather not burden people in my small circles when it is just me being mundane and repetitive and self critical haha They don’t need to see all this…these essays!! :’)

You’re reading it thus far though ;___;

There was a couple of days in the past month where it was the first time I wondered…am I wasting time doing this blog?
Do I care if this is helping me on career level or a personal level??

Aside from not being too personal about other people’s privacy, life details or my family, this blog is not a persona or mask it’s my stream of consciousness and train of thought haha

Yes, I do talk and think to myself like this.

I do feel glad and I don’t care if people read these or not (PS: almost all the people I know don’t even see/read this blog…or they’re really good ninjas and they don’t want to sound creepy ;D ) Though I think most people don’t read these because they don’t have time for such things…they got their own lives!

I “should” be doing what other artists are doing. Stop reflecting and thinking and just learn and make art and post it and get validated/encouraged all round! OR stream and talk and art about things
OR go back to instagram/snapchat…that’s how people seem to get popular and connect with their audience. Right?? RIGHT???

But not for me right now. I tend to focus on worrying/entertaining the audience versus doing the art itself when I art streamed the first time…and I just want to do the art haha

I had enough of these “should haves” as time goes by.
If I don’t want to, I don’t want to force myself…especially when I’ve tried it already. 🙁

I am so done with myself whenever I compare myself to others.
I hate the “grass is greener” feeling that comes up every now and then.
The “not enough” thing again.

It definitely makes me look inward in the search for what I’m lacking and how to change or tolerate it though. And then rearrange my feed so I won’t have the temptations to compare myself.

So what is this blog for??? WAHHH existential blog crisis
Well this blog is an echo chamber of rambling as you know.
It’s not on social media (aside from the link to it) so I expect people to read/see it even less.
Well there’s you though, mysterious person you. Thanking you many times.  :’)

It’s definitely not consistently effective on a professional level. Lots of artists seem to quit long form blogging altogether and opt for fast and short art posts since a couple or so years back.

If you’re lucky they might do an article that’s been drafted many times over. Because it works and that’s what most people have the attention for.

Meanwhile, I’m still holding on with my rambles. I do proofread at least twice or three times but I’m not too harsh on myself :’)

Ah well. I talk about my feelings here. I do remember WHY I’ve started this blog in the first place…all I’m doing is just wondering if it’s helping me the same way now.

I guess it’s still helping me on a personal level as I document the journey and share that to whoever’s reading. I feel like an imaginary person out there is reading, listening and understanding…this is just a deeper outlet for me.

I don’t feel like I need to censor myself and my rambly way of thinking here like I do when I need to communicate with other people.

Beyond the silly comics and BurpDoodles I do (:

I don’t know how or why you’re here but…you’re one of the rare ones.
Yes you are.
Welcome your kind company and thank you. :’)

Notes & Thoughts to remind myself on socialising & human connection
Just wanted to put some personal notes here as self reminders. Maybe it’ll help you or at least see what I’m struggling with :0

• fear of being annoying, creepy, too much information with people you’re not that well acquainted yet D: It’s a juggle because you don’t want to be too intense yet not want to be too guarded…it’s trust and mutual connection built over time that’s tricky :<
• on the other end, I tend to be more guarded and take steps back when people I don’t know try to befriend me beyond my comfort levels…I want to know you as an authentic person whom I can respect first D: Sometimes I’m just not ready or not realising what you’re trying to do until ages after haha
• how I don’t want to impose myself on people I admire since…I don’t know them and it feels one sided and icky. Then again, I usually don’t want to know too much about them because I’d rather leave them alone to live their human lives…and I’m terrible at conversations :’)
• I can’t read people’s minds…I’m slow and oblivious to things :S and too focused within my own head bubble. Then afterwards, I’m thinking too hard about the things I “should have” done with conversations ahhhh
• so self note: if my intentions were to be open and kind and sincere and awkward then so be it even if the other person is not feeling the same
• Don’t take things too seriously and personal…just move on
• Don’t dwell on the “grass is greener on the other side” as it’s unhelpful; stuff those comparisons when it happens! Ahhh!
• Socialising with others doesn’t mean it’s on a deep level; usually it isn’t as everyone is engrossed within their own lives as much as you are within your own life…they’re just interacting and creating a small moment to build upon later
• People seem interested but they go back to what they find interesting in the end = sort of superficial and that’s okay – the feeling is there and sometimes a fleeting moment of deep connection happens 😀
• the only person who completely understands you and your brain is you, not other people – we’re all different.
• So you gotta be honest with yourself and the way you are. You know yourself best so be your own best friend and kick all those excuses to the side!
• Keep supporting other creatives when you genuinely feel it! Not because they’re imposing on you to and you feel their desperation (I’ve been there). But do so because you trust and believe in them…and trust is to be earned. Other times you give the benefit of the doubt that people are decent and doing the best they can. It’s tricky to know which!
• Beware that Twitter tends to become a *closed* group of an echo chamber :0 And that’s okay.
• How self confidence stems from loving yourself and taking care of yourself first enough to not worry about what others think…how do you do this?? D: It’s a mix of I do care what others think and what I lack with my ignorance so I keep mostly quiet and listen plus there’s me just conserving energy =_=
• Sometimes people are not interested in talking and likewise I’m not either and that’s okay (: Don’t feel that you “HAVE TO TALK” to people. But hey if you feel sad and rejected about it, that’s okay too. It will pass.
• Self training to care less about other people commence…?

VectorBurpQuest IV Learning: it’s starting up again?
So you’ve seen me struggle with making Vector Art (yes for 3 embarrassing months last year) and now I have decided to bite the bullet and focus on this in the next couple of months or at least on a weekly basis. Again. Maybe this time I won’t hate the process anymore. :’)

I wanted to do “Not Hate Making Vector Art Quest” but that’s too long haha

I got recommended the above book last year when I first tackled Vector Art. I bought it, started it a bit but then left it there haha

As much as I reasoned with myself that hey, I need to learn how to do this not only for work but for graphic, clean and scalable artwork, I was not excited haha. It was a lot of dragging my feet across the floor to get to the point of “ok Leonie, stop avoiding this!”

A handful of artist peeps told me it was something to push through and eventually I will love how effective it is. Logically that sounds true but I’m not sure about this yet on an emotional level haha

Essentially I was staring at them and shaking my head.
Will I ever like making vector art D: ?!

I had a creative crisis in that it’s the opposite of how I work…I’m messy when I make art which involves a lot of passes and time whereas here: I need to be precise and deliberate in every vector point (it saves time in the long run).

This slows everything down especially as a newbie. This frustration and misery is normal because it means I’m learning haha :’) I know practice paves the way but when it’s not deliberate with what I’m trying to learn…I’m lost. Halp!

With the book, I finally got through it all. It’s pretty thorough, repetitive and drills into you the process of making anchor points with Illustrator. It really does what it says in it’s title. It’s basic. So I won’t recommend it as a complete book to all things vector art. Keep in mind that I have CS6 because I don’t trust the cloud nor I want to pay an Adobe subscription. ;D

It’s really dry (a lot of tutorials are dry and slow) so it took me this long to get around to watching the supplied videos (which helped immensely because watching someone else do it and explain through their thought process was great and the best) and then I read the book after.

Note the book doesn’t go into advanced topics like colour details, making textures and traditional looking vector art though (nawww .___. ) and directs you to further lynda courses that the designer/author does. And a lot of plugins to buy if you want more efficient ways to clean up your art and make it faster. And I didn’t want to do that D:

This is not a comprehensive take on vector art and I’d say a lot of the usefulness is gained from watching the videos as well :S

It’s terribly repetitive and I felt that a lot could be cut and the advanced topics could be added in for a more complete book on vector art…but that’s just me. I got what I expected and I knew if I wanted to go further, I need to hunt down more resources on my own. I don’t want to buy more courses though.

However it showed me that I can make vector points in passes so I can be quick in the initial stages. This greatly relieved me from my perfectionist side and excited my messy/creative side haha

And don’t go into the sub layer basement…it’s too scary? Nah I’m actually good with it haha ;D

The art style shown was good and great for its purposes of graphic design and illustration…it’s just not my cup of tea? Gosh what a snob I am!! I don’t know and I don’t have heavy experience in graphic design anyway so I have no right in saying such things haha

So I still had the question of: 
what sort of artwork do *I* want to make with these things I’m learning. I don’t want to make clip art looking art or a “vectorised realistic portrait” because that’s what I *used* to know vector art was capable of. I want to see how I can push this into my own thing.

Enough reading and watching and more doing I say!! Hum hum!!

Plus note that I am learning how to do Scott’s/cronobreak’s stylish Charming Keep art style so I can help out with that…if I can do it that is!! If not, ah well haha

All the same, I’ve decided to make it a regular challenge to make vector art.
Somehow. Eventually I hope to do another challenge to make illustration/design simultaneously as well.

But one thing at a time, Miss Getting-Too-Ahead-Of-Yourself!!
Or maybe I’m just juggling it all D:

Well witness me being terrible at Vector art again and practicing ;D

UGH I had to figure out art styles I’d like to do because I felt like I was not practicing the more complex kinds of vector art and design. So I had to look into a wider range of inspiration (and not just Scott’s awesome stuff).

So as you can see from the video, the emoji sheet took me 11-12 hours to finish. Changing things and what not D: I explain more things in the video if you’re interested in the process/timelapse.

Happy with my progress so far but a lot more to learn! >:0

The VectorBurpQuest continues on!!
Next up, see if I can do my take of Scott’s Charming Keep art style :0
Or something else! I don’t know what I’m doing.

The past month: Social Media February Recap!
So things from social media and looking back 😀
Because social media gets lost into the void and I want to keep these memories here too :’)

Mighty Games Team Staff Photo!! :O

Ah look! A wonderful photo of the incredible Mighty Games Group team!
https://www.mightygamesgroup.com/about/ 
Look how awesome, pretty & cool they look *____*

(Kudos to Izzy Gramp for her famously amazing photography!!)

But eep!
Ignore how awkward looking I am & look at the top 1/2 of photo instead :’)
I don’t know how to stand, relax or position my arms uhhh yeah :’)
It definitely felt like a school photo haha

But really grateful for the kind reassurance I got from the feedback; I haven’t been in much photos at all, I’m just not used to being in photos *and* actively trying to pose/act natural haha Phew! :’)

And there’s one person (Nick) too who couldn’t make it!

Lovely photo with wonderful people ^.^

Afterword:
I was surprised and deeply appreciated the kind people reassuring me :’) I’m not as terrible as I think I am inside haha
I guess my enjoyment of documenting and showing memories is showing…in this case it’s this photo. Because I know photos are rare.

It’s hard to get people in one place and who knows what the future will bring?
We’ve progressively grown since this photo too. I don’t talk/know all of my coworkers either but I believe they’re all pretty chill and understanding with each other. I’m usually the quiet NPC the the background hahaha (:

I guess that’s why I’m “wait…you’re talking to little me???” when conversation happens out of the blue. :’)

Fear with mosquitoes AHH
These two articles earlier this month here and here.
It’s all about prevention here.
It’s made worse because I have buckets of standing water outside and inside the house for washing clothes, flushing the toilet and what not thanks to my dad who refuses to move them and doesn’t cover up the huge water tank.
My family is doomed. >_>

And then I got bit with painful tiny bite on my finger from an unknown source??
Noooooo I don’t want to be infected, flu symptoms with several weeks and sick and be depressed…not helping when someone is scaring me about it.

And then we got repellent so it’s all okay now? :S
How does it work anymore! haha

LeonieTalks about Movies in the blog
I watched Beyond Our Ken and it was really slow paced but a good one off watch. Foreboding given that the lead actress with the spectacles got into a similar scandal but multiplied ten fold later years :<

Then Election 2 which was…ahhh doggos eating “dog food” ewww
So much double crossing for money and power D:
And plastic limbs and killing and murder
Really slow paced at times though the the start

SPL – much better paced gangster action drama film!
Gosh that white clothed assassin must always change clothes because all the blood he’s spilling with that smug sadistic smile D:
A lot of “nuuu don’t kill the family people” and they didn’t which I’m glad some didn’t die. The wonderful choreography of Donnie Yen :D. He looks so young 12 years ago haha And then I found out about him being in and being the fight choreographer in Blade 2. What.

So Jennifer Scheurle’s Advocacy GDC Microtalk happened! ^_^

http://schedule.gdconf.com/session/advocacy-microtalks-2017-challenging-the-industry-in-20-slides.

Note that my commentary does not represent Jenny’s talk that goes along with it ;D They’re unofficial and silly so do watch the video in the vault instead!

I wasn’t supposed to use colour but I felt I had to add touches here and there to communicate a point. I spent a weekend on this and went beyond the SuperListenMode rushed art style |D

But at least it’s something I’m more proud of and less embarrassed about :’) !!
Thanks so much for Jenny for the opportunity and I’m sure she kicked butt for her talk! 😀

I wasn’t there but sounded like she was brave and stood up for herself admirably! Wooo!!

Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!

Phew that’s February’s post!
Thanks for reading…the fact that you got this far! Whoa!
Let’s just keep doing our best (:

Till next time,