One Year Mighty Games Anniversary Super Listen Mode Comic, Melbourne Global Game Jam 2017 Super Reflection, Chinese New Year Shooty Skies, Mulan Studies & Vulnerability/Empathy/Shame/”Not Feeling Good Enough” [JAN2017] + SuperLeonieMode comics
Leonie’s small blog island says hullo! (:
You’re used to this by now, right? ;D
Otherwise, you don’t need to be here haha
Just…shoo! I’m not forcing you to read ;)It’s been a mixture of feelings but it’s been going alright (:
And that’s to be expected; who is “happy” all the time ;D
Let’s go Journal Time!
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| SuperListenMode Special: 1 year Mighty Anniversary I have no idea what Baby Chicken said but the sentiment is there ;D I don’t think it even knows the answer to my question! I do want a Chirpy Baby Crossy Chicken though ;D But yeah this is not official Crossy Road or Shooty Skies art in the slightest. Hey, official art does not look like this at all if you know anything about the games haha It’s my personal SuperListenMode Special ;)Feb 3rd – my little anniversary that only I probably care about! 😀 I’m not going to reflect on things since I did that in the last blog post. Here features just a mix of Crossy Road, Shooty Skies stuff I helped with in the past year (except Disney Crossy things I did since I didn’t want Disney Intellectual Property take over the Mighty Games focus). I helped create Baby Chicken, Shooty comics and a few other characters ^o^ haha I don’t know what’s next for me 100% but at the moment I’m pretty much helping out with Disney Crossy and sometimes Shooty Skies and Crossy Road and striving to learn about vector arting. To clear things up, I haven’t been involved with Charming Keep thus far (well if I was it didn’t end up being in game) or any other project beyond that so I direct you to the incredible & stylish art of Scott/cronobreak :0! Hey it’s been out a few days ago too! It’s been a long time in the making; a lot of people worked hard on it so do check the game out! (: If fantasy charming cute idle clickers is your sort of thing, do try it! Reminder I did a comic when I first started at Mighty: All the same, terribly grateful I’m at Mighty and I’ll just keep doing my best! |
CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:
MCV Pacific 30Under30 Honourable Mention
Nintendo Switch & Treehouse Presentations
Thoughts on Brene Brown’s Talks, Vulnerability & Not being Enough
On Being a Hermit
Rambling about Apathy in Students
Silly Shenanigans I did on video
Special Thanks for the month
And inspiring someone through this blog?!
Year 4, Month 1 (January)
Leonie Yue’s Sketchbook
Because likes allows a post to reach more people yet it does not equate to market demand. What I personally forget is that likes does not equate to how many people who have seen the post. There’s so many lurkers compared to 1%-10% who actually go beyond simply viewing.But I guess it’s more tangible for me to look at *who* likes my stuff and remember them for their support <3
So I gotta manage it and these pangs of guilt I feels sometimes for not being everyone’s friend and “expanding my network”. :<But hey, this is okay – who said managing human relationships is easy.
Logically I understand this; that everyone has their boundaries and respecting them is important. I just have silly feelings and guilt sometimes that I have to roll with D:
I usually would want to know someone in person comfortably well first before friending on fb and twitter is even more picky in terms of who I want to keep tabs on D: I’m glad and reassured to hear that people are so understanding!
Trusting your gut and say no if you’re not interested or ready can potentially save you from a lot of stress and drama as a kind art buddy Kim told me ^_^
Let’s do our best!
Don’t judge me :’)
It’s a mix of “still building confidence” and having low/zero expectations before I disappoint myself haha :’)
So if something better happens; it will be a wonderful bonus ^_^As a result of this comic and how setting low expectations and being self depreciating (how I’m a hermit) gets in the way of enjoying life, Simon thoughtfully & out of the blue suggested that I should read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and look into her TED talks too. I’ve been recommended her book by Kristy too a year or two ago and have heard about her talks a long while ago too! :0Special thanks to Simon for the food for thought! 😀
In this comic’s case I mean that I usually try something when I feel up to it and then expect nothing much in return and having low expectations. Striving to focus on the doing, trying things, giving and then be grateful that I’m able to do anything. But usually I end up feeling disappointed anyway despite the mantra of “grow and get over it” haha Ooh the learning!
Ultimately…it’s about my sense of “not feeling enough” thing that undermines everything definitely. Perhaps “hermit” is a guard; I still feel like an isolated hermit outside of work (I enjoy solitude times and staying at home by nature too much!) and at the same time, I don’t feel like I fit in and I “should” be making genuine connections with others at social things. It’s the “should bes”/”fear of missing out” I focus on too much on rather than be fully content with being who I am. Plus (hopefully) I’m always growing as a person and pushing comfort zones at my own pace with said social things – eventually I hope I will shed away the hermit name when I feel ready to explore the beyond! One day I’ll travel beyond Melbourne more 😀
Right now it’s more convenient for me to stay relatively homebound :’) I don’t want to change my life drastically yet when I really want to focus on learning skills as as an artist and as an introverted person, trying to figure out how to not push myself too far into something I’m not :S
Unfortunately the “not feeling enough” is there as a gut reaction/insecurity right now and making these comics bring out the self awareness even more. :0
And it turns out that this book actually goes deeper into that kind of thing and more than the talks themselves – and I wrote all of the above rambles before reading it haha
Anyhoo, I’m reading the recommended book and watched the videos! See my summary & thoughts at the “in the past month” section below! 😀
That’s what I feel with my insecurities sometimes – people are wayyy up there on some imaginary pedestal level of competence, popularity, loads of creative friends and artistic mastery hahaI always irrationally feel like I’m at the lowest rung of the ladder. ( .__.)
Though my perfectionist nature isn’t as bad now as I’m still keen as usual to put any extra rough BurpDoodles in my monthly blog/online home instead of social media haha – figuring myself out.Hey I know that it’s silly thinking like that too much (self doubt happens in waves at times so you can’t pretend it’s not there) so kicking my own butt, doing my own thing and keeping out of others’ way keeps me focused.
Special recognition and spotlight are definitely encouraging and heart warming when it happens to others or yourself but eventually people move on, you will be forgotten and you will be alone in your own journey (with your supportive circles hopefully).
Ultimately you have to cheer yourself on in order to help others. I am not great on that front since I’m still building my self confidence among peers and as a growing artist and person. :<
I mean, you’ve seen me posting about having silly, grateful feelings whenever kind people actually mention or graciously feature me because I’m seriously in shock each time!! I can’t help but feel warm, appreciated, encouraged and supported in the moment though – feels wonderfully sweet!! ^_^ I’m so used to being an invisible ninja as the default – I go back to forgetting about it afterwards haha!
Everyone has their own path & special force of nature. Usually you’re never really 100% certain about what that may be but that’s okay, you’re trying and learning as a person. You Do You~!
I’m just a normal person hahaWahh I don’t know about being popular; I guess more about not putting myself on some “popular” pedestal & thinking I’m above people :’)
Just trying to be myself haha Labels are subjective indeed which is why I insist on being normal as myself and be grateful for something fleeting like perceived popularity and any spotlight in my way. And grateful for friendly people genuinely greeting the quiet me and we actually go beyond the small talk <3I’ll strive my best to be noticed and interact with like minded people but I don’t want to force and demand people’s attention haha
The going with the flow thing :0
There’s such a fine line between humble and arrogance; I am definitely proud of my progress so far 😀 Always more to learn…I am essentially the super wallflower when it comes to human connections and all that D:
Me at many social things; striving to feel okay with it.Learning to go with it ranging from neutral to sadness if I don’t fit in; it happens :0
I find myself zoning out, not feeling part of anything and then reminding myself: hey Leonie! Focus back and make an effort to listen in or do something different! This cycle continues!Or sometimes I just cling to an understanding person at a time haha
Just going with the flow! haha
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| Rough FFXV BurpDoodle: Brotherhood Lots of areas, cut scenes, bosses, story elements was cut out from this half open world game & it left the story and many NPCs lacking :< Still I watched through the whole journey in the background and enjoyed the bromance between handsome men haha ;D I don’t have the time to play super long RPGs D:It’s a great game that didn’t get finished to its full potential. Ultimately its the friendship between brothers that brings this game together; you grow to care about each of them. Makes me wonder how the DLC would be…and any new recipeh 😉 |
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Still Hermit ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Leonie :’)
Just not as sad & teary eyed with my deadpan face instead :<
Hewwo!! *waves*
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This is not normal for me right now haha :’)The fact that I’m not melting my time and self away, trying to survive the heat *more happy tears*
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Melbourne Global Game Jam 2017: Goddess of the Ruby Sea! Game link here.
And the opening talk:
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| MelbGGJ Opening photos with the lovely @jazzrozz & @benbritten (w/ @cronobreak‘s cool @CharmingKeep art – the game is just out now!) GGJ17 is finally over :’) |
And then my tweets along the way as I spiral into zombie mode:
Slow progress so far for me 😓 #GGJ2017 #GGJ17 #MelbGGJ w/ @Seakla @TimothyCBest @stupidhoroscope and @Sciriez but we’re getting there 😤 pic.twitter.com/ztWeSo8XWt— Leonieʕ•ᴥ•ʔ💖 = 😪💤 (@leonieyue) January 21, 2017
@leonieyue last night: “So messy & slow!! Hate my art! Wanna do it over!” 😭
Now: “Get it done! Don’t care!
*3 hrs sleep* 😂 #MelbGGJ #GGJ17— Leonieʕ•ᴥ•ʔ💖 = 😪💤 (@leonieyue) January 21, 2017
@leonieyue this is how I wrap up my old wacom intuos 😂
My team is almost there while I’m just braindead, sleep deprived & zoning out :’) pic.twitter.com/I7lk9qDA9E— Leonieʕ•ᴥ•ʔ💖 = 😪💤 (@leonieyue) January 22, 2017
I found & was listening to this Ghibli Jazz Cafe Music while I jammed 🎧: https://t.co/oL7kliMDYK
A Disney one too: https://t.co/lftu9fMoG8— 💖Leonieʕ•ᴥ•ʔ💖 (@leonieyue) January 23, 2017
The Game Jamming Journey with my Team!
Goddess Of The Ruby Sea Game = DANCE AWAY!
with Kath, Tim, Nick & extra 3D help from George
http://globalgamejam.org/2017/games/goddess-ruby-seaIt’s not in the actual game but I redid this intro art on my recovery day :’) If you want to see the original up late in the morning rushed intro art then see it in game! More details at the link above :DI’m in that “I want to do better than rushed & sleep deprived artwork!” phase (silly artist pride or something ;D)
So it’s likely that I’ll eventually redo some art later down the track :0
Super Game Jam Reflection Commence!!
It’s been over for a few weeks!
Indeed it’s my 3rd year jamming but am still very glad that it’s not a super regular thing but a yearly thing. As someone who has only done 3 of them :0
It’s essentially crunching & sleep deprivation time for me.
[One day I’ll do a dancing rhythm game! Shake the earth!
Haha I joke. It’s a lot of work D:]
Thoughts & Things Learned from this Game Jam:
- Coming up with titles is hard but I was lucky that the rest of our 4 person team helped with that haha.
- I’m more likely to have a say in a game jam when in smaller numbers but not guaranteed! It’s all about what’s feasible for everyone to do. It depends greatly on your group and what everyone wants to get out of it. Everyone needs to be on the same page and support each other.
- I am so glad we are at maximum 4 core people in our team (George kindly helped at the end and was practical about making the pirate ships for us :D) because since we’re keeping the scope small, the group will become too big for people to feel that they’ve contributed and communication as a group becomes a huge problem. :S
- I have not lived on a night of 3 hours sleep for a long time X___x I managed to get by but Sunday/the last day was not a productive day. But it meant that the rest of my team can push for the last stretch for submission. Woo! :’) I was getting existential & questioning what life was haha
- Sleep is most important!!
- It was somewhat stressful for me because I was doing things I normally wouldn’t have the opportunity to do nowadays: define the art style (well some resemblance), provide game ideas (thanks Tim for making it a wonderful simple process), make basic UI buttons and make animated art assets.
- The art style was not fully under my control since it’s more of a matter of getting things done haha so the mix of 2D and 3D was quite clunky and inconsistent :S
- The experience reminded me of “crunch culture” and how I don’t want to do this as the default thing D:
- The experience made it clear how ignorant I am at:
- animation
- 3D
- making UI
- making art assets efficiently and quickly
- getting art into unity myself (I didn’t do this)
- making vector art
- many other things I haven’t thought of
- Of course, game jams are supposed to be messy, unfinished, rushed and a safe space for learning things for yourself. There’s just stress involved when you don’t know how to go about it (challenge accepted!) and you don’t want to let your team down. So I pushed myself to live on little sleep and I still take long because I want to do it the best I can 🙁
- I got carried away with too many key frames/poses haha
- It’s a lot of making things up along the way 😀 Fun challenge
- I missed out on a lot of good food because I’m either not hungry yet, am stuck at the computer or I went home early to work more from home 🙁
- Game jams allow you to just pump out something playable with a team. But it’s not necessarily something you’re proud of. Just something you make for the sake of the experience and the team work
- Glad there’s no awards in the Melbourne GGJ
- There’s still a vibe of competition in that we want to impress each other (our peers) with our games though
- Games tend to be not finished or buggy so it’s rare that people come out with well executed games :0
- I’m different in that I enjoy exploring and designing and experimenting before I settle on something. But game jams push you to make something now at least as placeholders and I’m not quick at that. It’s a “get something simple out quick” and consequently I’m a deer in headlights.
- WHAT AM I DOING haha
Overall it reminded me why I wanted to attach myself to the “junior” artist label and how I’m not confident when trying to develop games outside of already established projects…I can’t do so many things and I have this self pressure to be fast, efficient and with quality work to help show off others’ game ideas when that is terribly unrealistic of me when I don’t even have much practice in doing it in the first place in a team context.
I probably need to game jam more but I’m sort of afraid to do it at the same time. Who has the patience to work with me on a prototype anyway at this point now that I’m expressing all of this in this blog. On all the things I don’t know how to do yet. :S
In short, I want to practice but either I make terrible art for someone else’s prototype because they want something as “quick” as an experienced person or I’m going to be really slow because I’m learning the ropes and I don’t want to bog down someone’s little project >.<;A lot of “WHY am I here when I can’t do so many things?” I want to learn them all but it’s overwhelming all at once D: (flails a lot)
Plus I want to keep learning my own thing with Illustration and Character Designing at my own time so ahhhh SO MUCH TO LEARN hahaI’ve been restless and creatively frustrated – wanting to figure out my own next thing. Aye the artist life.
I need to practice more that push me to learn things (not too much though).
Just like this Game Jam did.
- making vector art
- making UI?
- getting art into unity
- making art assets efficiently and quickly
- Animation
If I can actually *make* time during work to do the above :S
Well I’m focusing on a mix of 1 & 2 and 3/4 eventually this year…but let’s see if I can figure something out :0
LeoniePlays: Melbourne Global Game Jam 2017 Games [single player PC only]
Since I was going to do it anyway, played as much MelbGGJ games on Tues night in under 3 hours & then went straight to bed with my voice going bad 🙁
https://youtu.be/SMeMHaim5HY
OH I played my own game for the first time at the start of the video…and was nitpicky with all the things we didn’t get time to put in haha yes I’m silly :’)
I don’t expect people to watch but just wanted to ramble while I play others’ games!
Can I say I found it really difficult to tag people because many didn’t show or have a twitter (and I don’t want to stalk people on fb). I hope it reaches them. If not, ah well.
CREDITS & Timestamps & Links will be in the video’s description.
I played:
- = My team’s game Goddess of the Ruby Sea
- = Bort the Bat
- = mentioned Bottled Spirits
- = Bored at the Cricket
- = Dead Tired
- = Comrade Puppers
- = Eye Pipe
- = February.8324
- = Heartbeat
- = HollaCoaster
- = mentioned IN SYNC
- = LIGHTHOUSE
- = L-WAVE
- = attempts to play Mariana
- = Marlin Flip
- = Nice to Greet You
- = Party Animals
- = PIRATE PARTY
- = mentioned Punk Pirates RPG
- = Sabotage! A Science Mission
- = Scarabaeus
- = Shock Jumper
- = attempts to play Soundscape
- = The Serpent Cycle
- = VOICE
- = When to Wave
- = Can We Stay? (non Melb)
If you decide to peep my silly terrible rushed video, thank you ;___;
I was happy that a handful did watch it! ^o^
Mighty Games Shenanigans: Probably a regular section at times! Mulan Studies and CNY17 Shooty Skies
Aka now that it’s released, I can show these pages I did last year haha
Mulan Studies
Mulan Studies! Done mostly for personal learning (not in anyway official). It’s not absolutely necessary but I enjoy doing this (: Very happy with this update I did for Disney Crossy Road! ^o^
More voxel character and environment art I did [not shown here, see it in the game]!
all the cool shapes and designs in this movie!
Shooty Skies Chinese New Year 2017 Update Concepts
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| Chinese New Year 2017 Character concepts 😀 Back when they’re known as Chinese Red Rooster, Northern Dancing Lions, Red Envelope, Always will be Fish (may you always have full of prosperity), Tang Yuan (Sweet Flour Balls), Dumplings, Lantern, Chinese handcrafted knot!I’ve made them & now they’re in the game in their current forms woo!! But gosh sometimes I miss celebrating Chinese New Year haha :’) Prob I miss the food!! ^o^ 🎉💕🎆 Enjoy Rooster Shenanigans haha The radio I have at home keeps blaring the songs though D: I don’t know if many people cared about this update because many games are doing the Lunar New Year thing but I could be wrong :’) |
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| CNY2017 Character Concepts & Studies Part 2 And then there’s Jackie Fan, Goose Lee, Chinese Geese studies, mandarin hampers, chinese drums and assorted shenanigans! Jackie and Goose are Ryan Keable’s ideas! ;D Check out the game also for Ryan Keable’s cool dragon boss, dancing Southern Dragons and Chinese door god enemies and many more 😀 Yeah I didn’t bother with the sycee/yuanbao currency as it didn’t work in voxels :0 There’s the mandarin hamper & drums though haha |
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| My *I don’t want to show outside this blog* tiny bunch of Bruce Lee Studies :’) |
The past month: social media recap [in maroon text]!
Kotaku Australia Game Artist Showcase
So a repeat of my social media post here:
I’m the 1st to be featured Kotaku Australia as part of the Aussie Game/Fine Art Showcase ;____; here:
http://www.kotaku.com.au/2017/01/australian-fine-art-dealing-squid/
Was seriously just expecting a consideration wah gosh thank you 💕
Representing Mighty Games yo! haha ;D
And Maid With Love! :0
I guess I’ll be remembered for tentacles playing poker, Okami fanart, my mansion in the skies piece, Twilight Princess Zelda fanart,my sad Roller Derby girl, Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas fanart and me in Slytherin house haha :’)
I digress! Thanks so much to Katie for letting me know & Alex Walker [twitter] for giving me the opportunity ;___; ❤
Just note there’ll be many more awesome artists to be featured this year; I’m not that special ;D But I’m just: “is this real?!” *hides*
Ahhhh!! I’m just a normal person surrounded by kind, cool people!
Um I don’t know what else to say now *flails* :’D
Hm: I read it over again; I feel weird, embarrassed, grateful & want to hide under a table haha
And being referred to as “Yue” is a first for me D:
Also very amused that the title is all about squid/octopus/tentacles ;D
I’m very much embarrassed at the old work here haha
Especially when the oldest of them all here is the featured tentacles playing poker haha too; it’s very interesting for me to see what others like versus what art I like!! :0
I’m just grateful for this small moment of spotlight I’ll definitely cherish this little moment & I shall keep being surprised if I ever get anything more like this ^_^
And I got reminded that I’m technically not a Junior Artist aka I should stop hiding behind the silly title and stop downplaying myself so I finally changed my About Page…sorta! I have changed my About page as well…I can no longer downplay myself as “Junior” now (gulps) haha :’)
“Yeah, just remember that the context you see your work in is entirely unique to how everyone else will view it. You might see errors or where your skills have surpassed what’s shown.. but everyone else is like “Hey, cool art! I wish I could draw that!”
Celebrate this win. Give yourself a big pat on the back. You’ve worked hard for it and deserve the spotlight. <3 :)” – Art Buddy Kristy
She is too right; I’m just too stuck behind my own perspective and inner critic! :0 Having all these feelings are normal and that celebrating the progress so far is okay.
I definitely do have the mix of: “ahh shock! Flail! Embarrassment! Hide! Is this real?! Eep!”
and “ahh I’m so lucky, happy & encouraged to do better!”
And definitely: “I am grateful that I have a small bunch of kind people to support me”.
And lastly there’s: “I really want to learn & do more designs, illustrations etc” haha
As I said above, I shall cherish this little moment of spotlight & then back to work haha
Hopefully I’ll do more design, illustration & learning – in the meantime I shall keep posting SuperListenMode comics as the default. I might just post only these at times until I figure out what kinds of personal art I’d like to do :0
Enough about silly me, let’s do our best!
My Reflection now & if I’m now just known SuperListenMode:
I must stress I’m still very much grateful. I enjoyed the kind words and support.
Now everyone’s moved on, I can move back to a neutral state.
Get back to doing the usual. Why?
Aside from the feeling that others should get the spotlight rather than me…
I don’t want to linger, demand, expect or even hope for future achievements, awards and recognition…as much as I would deeply appreciate the attention and validation themselves. I don’t want to risk attaching too much self worth to what I do and my work.
I’m already arguably putting my self value heavily on what I can’t and can do for others. At times this self pressure is inspiring, other times it’s exhausting.
It’s one of the reasons why I treat every kind feature/thing/opportunity as if it was just a fleeting thing, be honest with my feelings about it all (with all the silly emojis) and appreciate the moment. And then take a break to calm down back to normal and orient myself.
Feeling sort of mixed when people were shocked that I did other things beyond SuperListenMode and I was good at other things. It was both a compliment and a: “You mean you thought I was even worse as an artist than what I already am?” Haha :’)
You thought my silly toony personal comics are the best I could do??
Gosh my pride got hurt! :’D And genuinely felt sad for a while. I guess this is why I’m not getting any freelancing work outside of work.
SuperListenMode comics are not what I’m best at .___.
Nuuuuuu ;_____;
I’m more sad at the fact that I’m not doing as much anymore but I’m torn how it even applies to work :< or game art. .___.
Challenge accepted!! I shall do more illustrations and character designs eventually…I’m still figuring out a routine outside of the intense thing called work :’)
I only started these comics last year and turns out that I have a lot of feelings and thoughts inside of me that I am either driving people away or relating to more people. :0 Goodbye I guess? I don’t know what’s happening.
What I do know is that I don’t really want to be known for these comics.
They’re not particularly outstanding in art or smart…it’s just…me.
Plus I want to be known for what I enjoy doing: designing and illustrating.
Yet I can’t quit SuperListenMode because:
- It’s my way to articulate memories, thoughts, what’s troubling me
- Making things known and out there makes it easier to deal with (in light of reading Daring Greatly)
- I have feelings to express
- I guess people enjoy reading comics more than essays like this blog post ;D
- It feels good and scary at the same time to make them public but it gives me a sense of freedom
- Occasionally people actually reply with kindness and encourage me & it helps <3
- Other times no one responds and I am able now to internalise it as: “well this is me and my feelings and I got it out there.”
- It’s easy to make and I think a lot ;D
This internal creative conflict about quitting the comics has been festering for a long while among others but there’s too many reasons to keep it going. :’)
MCV Pacific 30 Under 30 2016 Game Industry honourable Mention
A repeat of my social media post here:
Somehow sneaked in as the last honourable mention of @MCVPacific list among incredible peeps 😱💦
Ah what excitement this week (same as the Kotaku feature); what happen?? ;____; 💕
http://www.mcvpacific.com/news/read/the-2016-mcv-pacific-30-under-thirty/0177446
A lot of: What’s happening; is this happening right now :’) 💦
I miraculously ninja’ed in (or that’s how I feel haha)
It feels I’m no where that level of incredible for the industry D”
But I am terribly grateful, in shock & denial :’)
Gosh thank you & congrats to the powerhouse people on this list for getting the recognition and spotlight they deserve ^o^
Wah thank you everyone!! ;__;
I’m just a small little mention among incredible people but I feel warm fuzzies with gratitude inside. I’m just happy and shocked for the mention at all. I don’t think I would be here without your support. Seriously.
I digress! GOOOO check out the remarkable, deserving and inspiring people in the above list! They have done tremendous & wonderful selfless things ^o^
I just need to go calm down back to my sad/neutral state after the Kotaku Australia feature, this honourable mention, finally getting the stressful AC installed and the Nintendo Switch presentation haha
Don’t mind me; go forth and do amazing things you believe in!! >:]
Reflection after the fact:
As much as I did nominate myself (probably just me!)…I don’t know why I got a mention from their perspective. As much as I’m grateful and honoured that I got a mention, I don’t know why and I struggle to attach a meaning to it 🙁
All the same I will see this as “keep going Leonie!” sort of encouragement haha
Nintendo Switch & Treehouse Presentations
Kept feelings quietly inside for NintendoSwitch games ❤
That beautiful & voiced BreathoftheWild trailer! :’)
Breath of the Wild is so beautiful and it’s out on the Switch launch date too 😭 Yayyyyy!
I didn’t have much people to talk about my measured excitement so here I am ;D OH MAI GOSH there’s Breath of the Wild Amiibos!!! The Zelda one! D:
Ahhh I got spoiled by the Japanese voice acting in the Zelda trailer but the English dub is still very good…okay the old lady and deku tree voices sound like people pretending to be old people haha D:
Didn’t see BreathOfTheWild or SuperMarioOdyssey NintendoTreehouse parts of presentation; I want to be blind where possible :0
And Snipperclips is so cute!! Character Designs are sooo sweet!! Their expressions are the BEST! 😀 And when you murder/cut up each other :0!!
Another thing I want to play; aw yeahhh ^o^
1,2 Switch…silly shenanigans?? Milk & EatingContest?! QuickDraw, CopyDance, SamuraiTraining, TableTennis seems cool to try! 😀
And then there’s Puyo puyo Tetris, the new Bomberman looks interesting, Fire Emblem Warriors looks cool that I didn’t mention above ^o^
GOSH Xenoblade 2 yes!!
The presentation was quirky weird as expected haha
But I am left optimistic ^_^
But with ARMS, Splatoon2, SuperBombermanR, MarioKart8Deluxe; I am still keen based on presentation 😀 FireEmblem Presentation soon! :0
I feel so alone because many people around me are criticising, nitpicking, are disappointed and concerned about it all with launch titles, the device, the price, the graphics, performance, the gimmick, the 3rd party developer support thing, online subscription, the formulaic way they do things, Nintendo’s history of business approaches, the more business way of doing things with a new CEO, no bundled up games and all that stuff *understandably*.
I feel some concerns too. Meanwhile, I just want to play video games and at times share that with my bro.
I’m one of those people who will be getting it anyway so being surrounded by people of a differing opinion gives me mixed, isolated and sad feelings with how happy & cautiously optimistic I am versus how dissatisfied and jaded they are. 🙁
Ah well I don’t bother trying to fit in anyway too much ;D
Rewatching Talks on Vulnerability, Shame, Blame, Not Being Enough and so on by: Brené Brown
Oh I’ve watched her TED talks ages ago but a revisit felt needed!
Aside from Simon, Kristy also read it ages ago (see my SuperListenMode comic #74 ramble above for my initial discussion & shout out) and recommended this book “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” By: Brené Brown to me but I just watched Brené’s talks at the time. :’)
Super thanks to both (:
At the time of writing this, I’m still in the middle of reading her book (25% into it) and I’d rather not rush reading it to make it in time for this blog post. I plan to take it in slowly so I won’t talk about it in this blog post…perhaps ponder about it again in the next blog post.
Or not! Read it for yourself if you’re interested in finding your sense of strength – really good read so far and loads of food for thought (:
And before I keep going there’s this Polygon article on how Game developers feel like frauds and their aversion to expecting recognition and validation:
http://www.polygon.com/features/2016/1/22/10776792/imposter-syndrome-game-developers-who-feel-like-frauds
And this is my Imposter Syndrome blog post from 2015 for comparison’s sake: http://blog.leonieyue.com/2015/03/y02w09n1027.html
POWER OF VULNERABILITY TALK NOTES & THOUGHTS in italics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
- ducking away from criticism is a thing but no you got to go through everything, show up, try and put yourself out there despite failure
- vulnerabilty is not weakness
- show up even if you’re not sure you’ll succeed. Try and put selves out there even if you’re failing
- burst through your fear of not being enough
- (eep! that’s me working on it)
- connection is what we all want
- not good enough is really shame and fear
- for connection to happen you need to allow yourself to really be seen
- we all long for a strong sense of Love and belonging & we all want to believe we’re worthy and that’s it
- (agreed and I lack the feeling worthy part)
- fear of being not worthy of connection is what this is
- (me .___.)
- “whole-hearted’ people have a deep sense of worthiness
- Courage is when you tell your story about who you are with a whole heart and thus possess the courage to be imperfect
- (well I’ve been doing this to an extent through this blog for a handful of years whether people realise it or read it or not :’) )
- courage, compassion, connection are important
- compassion is to be kind to ourselves first then others; need treat ourselves kindly
- have connection due to authenticity; be willing to let go of who you think you should be and just be who you are
- by fully embracing vulnerability, it made them beautiful- saying I love you first and do something where there’s no guarantees – invest in a relationship that it doesn’t work out
- not control and predict everything
- (haha that’s why I don’t plan too much unless it’s about travel/outings/logistics aka I don’t want to get lost)
- vulnerability is about shame, fear, love, tenderness. Being able to surrender to it and walk into it as part of the journey
- we numb vulnerability as a defense mechanism.
- (essentially all about self awareness and being conscious about your reaction to bad, good, mundane things that happen in your life – I do that a lot by working)
- initiating stuff and going for something we care about is what makes us vulnerable
- (I don’t initiate stuff that much D: )
- you can’t numb emotion and hard feelings; you numb everything else too happiness and gratitude; you need both kinds of feelings
- (I definitely do numb things in various ways like through work, food, being productive and learning).
- we embrace uncertainty
- you can’t be perfect in order to have love and belonging
- (Clearly I’m someone who makes mistakes :0 )
- don’t pretend what you do doesn’t impact others
- (I guess a small extent outside of my family? I don’t know. Who reads anyway ;D )
- be authentic, sorry and fix it
- let ourselves be deeply seen
- (there is a point where you only show how vulnerable you are with people who have earned your trust. You don’t show everything to strangers >.> )
- love with your whole heart even if there’s no guarantees
- (depends on if we’ve mutually earned it over time of course I would think)
- practice gratitude and lean towards joy
- (been trying to do my best at this for a long while. Just know that sometimes you just want to sit with the negative feelings and acknowledge the pain instead though. You need to release it somehow before you can move on)
- not catastrophise
- (I’m guilty of this sometimes when I put too much value in my work :S )
- and most important; believe: I am enough
- I don’t feel enough in comparison to my peers and the game industry in general though. I lack so much in experience. This feeling of lack and that I’ll be left behind is a feeling that’s there.
- And also in terms of life, I
- believe it – stop screaming and start listening and be kinder to others and to ourselves
- I am so guilty of lashing out in grumpiness when I feel upset and miserable about something I cannot immediately change, my time is being disrespected or being blamed for everything. At times I don’t know how to respond and I have that feeling when you don’t want to burden your worries on others (my bro helps sometimes but ;S )
- For instance, recently I felt that I’m not being listened to, that unfairness was happening but it was just me being miserable and frustrated and trapped. I wasn’t feeling that great for while and it built up.
- In the end I apologised and had a good “in the public” cry at the bus stop and on the bus ride. It felt good to let all that pent up emotion out. But nothing was really solved or dealt with. I’m just accepting what I have and keep doing my best during the past week.
- Why am I sharing this? Well usually being honest and not jumping to blaming others is difficult to do but the right thing to do. At times lashing out is happening because you’re hurt, afraid and it’s a call for help but you’re hurting others in the process.
- Afterwards, I was able to focus on other things and do other things (:
LISTENING TO SHAME Brené Brown NOTES & THOUGHTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0
- Wanting to stay small and under the radar VS getting noticed
- yep that’s me; by nature I avoid the spotlight yet I want my work to be noticed like any other artist :S
- vulnerability is weakness? No. It is an emotional risk, full of uncertainty, shame and courage
- and involves being exposed and honest to people who have earned your trust and support
- innovation, creativity and change – vulnerabilty is the foundaiton
- create & make stuff that never happened involves shame
- We’re falling apart and it feels fantastic!”
- walk through, find way around and talk about privilege that you have
- people fail but people don’t see it
- solely criticising is not good; be the person at the arena
- whether you win or lose, you do so by daring greatly
- try things
- quiet that critic down and just do it
- talk back at it essentially and discuss it over
- shame brings out the “you’re not good enough” and “who do you think you are?”
- shame is focusing on self
- guilt is on behaviour
- shame is “I am bad” & “I’m sorry I made a mistake”
- guilt is “I did something bad” & “I’m sorry I am a mistake”
- shame is to do with bullying etc while guilt is opposite of these things
- shame is strongest when you strive to do it perfectly
- do not be driven by unattainable expectations towards who we want to be
- secrecy, silence and judgement strengthens shame
- there’s also when you’re left in the dark and you have no one to talk to about it who can do something :S
- counter shame by empathy
BOUNDARIES EMPATHY AND COMPASSION NOTES & THOUGHTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NxB6c6d39A
- have boundaries, know why you’re doing things
- what if they’re doing the best they can when people disappoint you?
- What if your feelings and perspective is the last thing on their mind? They’ve got their own worries and lives to worry about as much as you do? – Gosh I’ve talked about this at length at least twice at this blog haha where you can’t really care about what others think – they’re caring about themselves as much as you are 😉
- Take care of yourself first etc
- I still disappoint myself or feel let down as a result of others, apathy, inaction or things not working out but that’s part of life. It means I hoped for something that wasn’t there and I should move on.
- assume they are doing their best whether they actually are or not and makes your life better
- strive to be more loving and assume the best about people; and change your own life first
- have boundaries of what’s ok and what not
- it allows you to have integrity by setting boundaries
- don’t care about people what people will think
- which is why as much as I feel guilty of saying no to some social things, not social media following people back right away…it keeps things manageable for me (:
- COMPASSION: rooted in love and goodness
- EMPATHY is compassion and can taught
- it’s about how to communicate deep love for others
- deep love is subjective but for me it’s probably the people I care about and who sees me who I am (and vice versa)
- don’t take their darkness; that is not empathy
- just feeling for them and saying: me tooo you’re not alone in this
- EMPATHY – BOUNDARIES = not Empathy
- COMPASION – BOUNDARIES = not genuine
- VULNERABILITY – compassion = not vulnerabilty
- not division and walls but respect and boundaries. Examples others shared:
- Would you excuse me? I need some time by myself.
- I draw the line here.
- I’m willing to talk to you if you would be polite.
- I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes.
- You can borrow my CDs just as soon as you replace the one that you damaged.
- I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I won’t be loaning you money until you have paid me what I loaned you previously.
- I’m not willing to argue with you.
- I’d like to figure this out myself. You may be right, but life is more enjoyable when we make our own mistakes.
- No, thank you.
- When you rage at me, I feel threatened. I am going to leave (the room, the house, etc) until such time we can communicate calmly.
- I can’t take that on.
- My plate is full.
- The above is not easy. Some of these are not easy to do when you feel emotional about things. At times you just can’t do it with some people because they won’t listen but you have to listen to them
- There’s times when you tell your story with someone
- and it ends up as shame for them & yourself because you shared it at all
- and then awkward silence
- and then you have to make them feel better
- yet you’re still in shame and one less friend you can trust
- not getting responses like
- “I feel sorry for you and you poor thing” “bless your heart”
- feel like letting them down & “how could you let this happen??”
- “it wasn’t that bad” “
- that’s nothing, listen what happened to me”
- And generally being unhelpful on how you should be grateful
- Responses such as: I know I did not show up; can’t be there for you and how we can’t have right response every time is more helpful
- have 1 person or even 2 if you’re lucky in your life. Who are willing to wade through the deep with you; they’re with you
- just one is enough such close person is enough
- I don’t exactly have such one person since the best I get is “I’ve listened but since you or things aren’t changing, deal with it.” And I feel deserted as a result with my feelings. 🙁 I understand that since I’m not doing anything drastic to change things, no one wants to be burdened with the same issues that come up…as much as the good outweigh the bad that I’m willing to tolerate the bad
- don’t steamroll the friend who is there for you, for other people who won’t be there for you – other people who you feel like you need to please but didn’t even earn your time, respect and friendship
- share your personal shame story with someone who has earned it; who earned your right to hear the story and who can bear the weight of the story; it’s a privilege especially when it comes to grief and sorrow
- don’t constantly try to please others; don’t be there for others for no reason
- don’t offer yourself to people who don’t deserve it
- don’t judge those who don’t react to your shame story in the way that you want. We’re all human trying to figure ourselves out and others
BRENE BROWN ON BLAME NOTES & THOUGHTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8
- Semblance of control though
- Whenever I feel frustrated, I exclaim: “I hate everything! I hate everyone! But what I’m really saying is I hate myself most of all really. I hate this”
- It feels good somehow to let that frustration out haha
- blame is really when you’re discharging discomfrot and pain
- accountablity is needed
- blame is when your feelings are really hurt about something
- means lacking tenacity and grit to hold people accountable
- I do lack the courage to say it
- dont blame too much
- ranging and stop dwelling & figuring who’s fault it is
- don’t miss out on empathy
- listen and fixate on about whose’s fault it was
POWER OF VULNERABILTY RSA TALK version NOTES & THOUGHTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXSjc-pbXk4
- what should I be afraid of today and who’s fault is it?
- dangerous questions
- there is a culture of not enough here
- people have armour to be safe, smart, have professionalism and protect themselves from judgement
- protecting the heart from being hurt
- I am guilty of this :S
- love and belonging are needs. Absence of both leaves you longing
- being worthy of connection and lovable is being enough
- capacity of wholeheartness is be able to be broken-hearted
- which probably includes disappointment too
- I am guilty of my fear of getting my heart broken too badly
- to love and be loved and as much as we’re willing to have our heart broken
- armour doesn’t protect from getting hurt but prevents your from getting intimacy, truth, love, etc
- empathy is feeling with people
- don’t feel for people but feel with people
- don’t say “at least…” and put silver liniing on it – it feels like you’re invaliding someone’s feelings of hurt and shame
- it’s hard when we’re conditioned to find some positive side to things for better or worse and push aside and not address the negative things 🙁
- do say: my feelings are hurt about this then talking through it is key
- blaming is corrosive and you miss out opportunities
- empathy is to be present with someone
- don’t try to make things better
- “I’m so glad you told me”
- just connect and feel with them and just listen
- handholding is also a good one
- just being next to someone
- physical comfort and support
- “I’m with you”
- “me too”
- shame – guilt and being self conscious
- guilt is: I am bad; corrodes the belief we can change
- believe you can make different choices and do something different
- I have doubts about this sometimes. But I’m figuring things out. 🙁
- guilt – I did something bad when holding against my values;
THE PRICE OF INVULNERABILITY NOTES & THOUGHTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c
- You should only be vulnerable and tell your stories to people you trust and who value you despite your faults.
- I keep myself busy with work etc so I numb self from everything else :0
- you can’t numb emotion
- Counter by practicing gratitude and what we have
- must honour with what’s ordianary with our lives
- allow self to experience joy and love
- I’m not terribly good at this yet :S
- so when bad things happen you have something to rely on
- it builds meaning and purpose in your lives
WHY YOUR CRITICS AREN’T THE ONES WHO COUNT NOTES & THOUGHTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-JXOnFOXQk
- design is about connection through creativity
- it’s not about winning or losing but about showing up and being seen
- and just create and show your work and life
- you will get butt kicked. This is guaranteed if you create stuff
- haha I can say this is true :’)
- if courage is a value you hold, then you gotta do this
- if you’re not also getting butt kicked and in the arena then we don’t want to hear your feedback and critique
- armour up with vulnerabilty means it usually ends up being heavy and a burden
- armouring up means you’re shutting yourself off with things like love belonging, joy, trust, innovation, creativity, vulnerability
- my armour is my workaholic -ness 🙁
- Sometimes my solution to my own jealousy and insecurities is just backing out for some “creative me” time and then I feel better again because I forget and am too busy with my own thing haha ^_^ to block myself from all else, noise and people
- get real and bare. Walk out there and do what you’re made of
- know critics are there and what they’ll say in advance
- your doubts say: what am I contributing? Lots of others are doing this already
- comparing too much is not helpful
- but we do it anyway because we can’t help it if we are social creatures and we don’t want to be treated unfairly – even though life is generally unfair and we all deal with it to various degrees
- teacher/parent/poopy ex-coworker and yourself are your worst critics
- don’t care what people think and not care about critics! But since we’re hard wired for connecton it is difficult
- you can’t avoid critics forever
- Hey I’m living with one everyday >.> and my own internal self critic 🙁
- reserve seat(s) for critics instead of blocking them out
- Say: “I see you and hear you”
- “but i”ll show up anyway and not going to listen to your feedback”
- “you are not in the arena fighting it like I am”
- really show up
- declare your values
- whether you’re successful or not
- have at least one perosn who will pick you up and support you
- someone who will say: “you’re great! Let’s get you back in the arena”
- invite them to the arena even
- get people who are already supporting you and like you already instead. Focus on them!
- don’t try to win over peers/strangers you don’t know
- avoid people who keep you small
- it’s hard to know for sure sometimes but I strive to assume the best in people (:
- people who have the courage – are very clear and not minding the critics
- yes it’s scary but it’s not as scary as wondering at the end of your life: “what if I did show up and did what I believed in?”
More dot points and Brene quotes of note & italic THOUGHTS:
- “When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.”
- Some people are unhappy, unfriendly, unhelpful. They may not even mean to be, but trying to separate your identity from their attitude should help.
- As in why change yourself to please someone who was rude and disrespectful to you? How important are they to you…really?
- importance of asking from help from the right people
- and if you end up asking from the wrong people…unfortunately you don’t trust them as much anymore because they chose not to be there for you for one reason or another…and they probably didn’t know you needed them 🙁
- What at my (me Leonie since this is italics) own insecurities and source of shame? A lot! Here are some from the top of my head
- not independent enough with family
- feeling ignored/left out/not belonging??
- unfairness and feeling trapped
- chores is a struggle and is like a burden at home
- feeling not good enough at what I do
- I haven’t driven a car since 2011…so don’t look for me to drive!
- figuring how I “should” look – trying to be braver with clothing and variations. And gah pimples .___.
- not socialising that well and being self conscious, gauging for mutual interest too :S
- using food to numb things sometimes; apologies belly haha :’)
- not exercising well enough
- friendships and relationships
- perfectionism sometimes but it’s not a huge thing now
- numb with social media for validation – even though it’s fleeting
- being too judgmental of self and others
- All I can say is that I have a lot of reflection to do once I finish Brene’s book :0
- embrace joy and not practice disaster
- practice gratitude as much as possible
- real person request is more meaningful. Say: “can you put 10mins on hold and make space for me? I’m feeling terrible.”
- overcome shame by talking to it and not keeping a secret, silence and judgement
- “Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love; reach out to someone you trust; and tell your story.”
- “I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles. You have to know that I’m trying to be Wholehearted, but I still cuss too much, flip people off under the steering wheel, and have both Lawrence Welk and Metallica on my iPod.”
- “Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when you’ve been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability), we’re angry and scared and at each other’s throats.”
- “I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow — that’s vulnerability.”
- “We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.”
-
- I don’t judge other people as hard as I do to myself :S
- If people are doing their own thing, I respect that – it’s none of my business. It doesn’t matter whether I like it or not because I don’t want to change other people haha
-
- “Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn how to assert themselves, and have the opportunity to fail. If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.”
- my family is the opposite; blame, control everything and criticise and all that negative stuff haha :’)
- Brene’s greatest lesson in life so far: “When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible. Keep worthiness off the table. Your raise can be on the table, your promotion can be on the table, your title can be on the table, your grades can be on the table. But keep your worthiness for love and belonging off the table. And then ironically everything else just takes care of itself.”
- I am not at this stage yet. I am struggling with this constantly. I hope to be coming from a place of worthiness eventually.
- “what I realized over the last year is, if you don’t understand shame and you don’t have some shame resilience and awareness, then you cannot be vulnerable.”
- “the reason I’m still standing is not because the word got out there that I was vulnerable, but I’m still standing because I understand shame.”
- “I was very careful not to attach my worthiness to how well that talk did, because when you do that, then those comments are devastating. It’s not that they’re not devastating anyway — they hurt your feelings. I would argue more than ever that vulnerability is still just absolutely essential. That we can’t know things like love and belonging and creativity and joy without vulnerability, but in this culture of reflexive cynicism you better also really have an understanding of shame if you’re going to put yourself out there.”
- “And saying “You can’t care what other people think” is bull****. When you lose your capacity to care what other people think, you’ve lost your ability to connect. But when you’re defined by it, you’ve lost your ability to be vulnerable.”
- Haha we all do care about someone or another and how they think…that’s how disappointment happens. But you brush yourself off and get up again and move on.
- Critics to Brene: “they’ve taught me that I’m still standing.”
- “It’s not easy for any of us”
- “The idea of “I’m never enough” — beautiful enough, successful enough, thin enough, popular enough, loved enough, worthy enough — that’s shame and scarcity, and I’ve seen people overcome that every single day. I’ve gone through the process myself…You have to understand shame. You have to understand where the message comes from, what drove it, how has it protected you in the past, and are you willing to look it in the eye and say, “Thanks, I appreciate it, but I’m not subscribing anymore. I’ve got a new way of doing things, and maybe you kept me safe and small in the past, but I’m not doing that.” The answer is absolutely that I’m not enough. You can overcome that, but you can’t overcome it without an understanding of shame. If you are not willing to have that conversation, there’s no way to the other side of it. You have to know what shame is.”
-
- I think this is the key Brene paragraph in the act of “not subscribing” to the “I’m never enough” belief and how I usually strive to stay safe and small at things. :0
- And this is something I need to overcome as part of the learning journey :’)
-
And reading about how others experienced Brene’s talk was really encouraging too, relatable and I don’t feel as alone (I picked out the following quotes from the Youtube comments & discussion so I do not claim the following as my own thoughts and I don’t know any of the following people.):
- “How judgement came from a place of shame. It came from a place that had been hurt and rejected and not chosen multiple times by multiple people. It came from a voice that told itself to harden and be strong and don’t let people in anymore, be you’re own happiness, your own love, don’t be weak or vulnerable to men because that’ll get you hurt. And although it took some brutal self analysis and judgement, I instantly felt a sense of relief as she spoke of how it’s okay, NECESSARY even to let that in, to live your life with vulnerability and compassion and boundaries.”- Karly Britton
- “It is such a frustration to watch authentic, non-insecure, non-codependent love expressed by people. For so much of my life, I felt such a distaste for genuine expressions of love that I watched others so naturally show to each other. My cynicism wouldn’t let me recognize the beauty there. It seems to have been built on a constant frustration at not seeming to be able to connect with people the way everyone else seemed to so easily, and because I never confronted it, it grew into this caustic cynicism that steals any joy or connection from any experience I had. It sucks that some of us find natural emotion more difficult (sometimes seemingly ungraspable) for whatever reasons. I know feeling is better than not feeling, though. Having felt both, there’s no comparison, even though the addiction to despair or cynicism hides the discomfort of disconnection for a while. The addiction to numbness seems like the best I can hope for sometimes. But it’s not.” – Jacob Swanner
- “I noticed shame is usually very hard to overcome by yourself. Don’t feel bad if you watched this video or read books about it and don’t feel better. I would say try seeking therapy (don’t be afraid it can get better) don’t give up. it’s not a quick fix.” – Omoiyari23
- “I don’t resent my parents. I resent the fact that they taught me how to numb like a pro since the word go. They didn’t even know it was going on, because of their upbringing and how they have lived their entire lives. I’m not surprised that my folks rarely socialise. They have never hosted any big parties or reunions. And the people they do socialise with on a regular basis. are just like them. I still love them. but i’m constantly reminded of how mediocre their way of thinking and feeling seems to be. The worst part is i’m not sure if I can ever shake the bad habits I have picked up and developed during my upbringing. And i’m not sure if i can ever let go of this enormous sense of regret. for all the possibilities for fulfilling connections that I have let pass me by due to this constant numbing. But thats for me to find out.” – Benjy Bro
- “The courage to be imperfect, thank you. I have people in my life who also haven’t fully grasped how deeply they desire to connect – they just sort of refuse it because well… vulnerability can hurt. But it’s moving on from there, and seeing that NOW you realize that you really do want connection, and you’re aware that you have a tendency to numb, but now you can take time to rumble with that. And how powerful it is to put your arms around someone.” – Natalie Steiner
- “”real confidence” is not very common, and what we normally see in most people is a “vest” of confidence, sort of like an armour you put on to deal with the world. But like I said earlier, this is not a black or white type of thing, even the most confident person ever in the world has self-doubts and fears. That’s why I said I was referring to a narrower definition, which is also what is being addressed in the video. People simply being stable and honest with their selves in normal everyday life, in terms or personal relationships, notion of professional success, etc.” – CzechRiot
- “Being confident, like really confident, is knowing yourself and knowing your situation, understanding where you are and why, and being able to control yourself and your interaction with your surroundings. Confidence is stability, is being aware of what you are and feeling ok about it. A person can only be confident if their future expectations are frequently met. Sort of like, you know you’re better at something than all other competitors, then you can be confident that you’re going to win.” – CzechRiot
- “Think that’s what we do that gets us into trouble: believing all of the thoughts in our heads. Sometimes they come from other people, but most of the thoughts are from our own inner critic. Sometimes those thoughts are true, sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are just subjective judgments, neither true nor untrue. Sometimes they are helpful, and other times not. We cannot control our thoughts or those of others. We can control our actions, and action in the service of our own personal values is what is important. Confidence and happiness are feelings that come and go like the wind, and are of even less substance. A gardener tends to his garden regardless of how pleasant the weather seems that day. It takes all kinds of weather to make the garden grow. None of it is in his control.” – wulf67
- “this talk is about the OPENNESS. If you are open to the world, to people and wiling to give your love even when you know it’s can be waste, you can be “mistreated”, that means you dared to show yourself be imperfect, dared to be vulnerable. If you have the courage to to do it, you are accepting what you are then you can feel love and belonging” – RosalieMaryRose
- “I do however think that we should take it step by step and work at being better than we were yesterday. each victory is priceless.” – Valente Zapata
- “I think all our lives are different and vary vastly in backstories. It is up to you whether you are willing to change your present and accept your past to make the best of your future.” – fabnsass
- “I think its very true what you said about how upbringing fundamentally changes the way people are in the future, and in the program they had an exercise where you have a partner and imagine the other person is each of your parents. Then you kind of release all the crap that you’ve been holding back, giving you a sense of closure and allowing you to move past that. What I really learned from the whole experience is that no matter what, you’re parents will always be a large part of your life, so its worth finding closure mentally, even if you don’t do it in person.” – Juan Mendoza
Thanks to those who recommended this to me and in summary:
I don’t think I can magically make all my struggles go away (hey I don’t think that’s possible for all of us as life is full of challenges for us to be able to grow as people) but the increased self awareness greatly helps.
So far it’s not particularly mind blowing to me because I have watched most of the videos before and I have rambled at length about these topics. The theme of “not being enough” usually returns whenever you feel fear, shame and embarrassment so essentially it’s something you have to keep fighting, talking with and deal with.
Other times you numb some aspects when you can’t change them right now. I have done this many times and doing all these notes made a lot of them resurface. :S
Her book goes deeper than the talks apparently and I’m into it so far! I just started though and am at Chapter 3 as of writing this. (:
In terms of vulnerability, there is a *huge* trend of this nowadays where many people are sharing a lot of themselves on social media, some more filtered than others. Personally I have the fear of sharing too much and burdening someone else with my struggles. But I share when I want to anyway plus here I am rambling at this blog all this time haha ;D If you follow me on anything you would notice I am tweeting more beyond the planned art tweets because I felt like it…? :0
It would be difficult for me to suddenly speak up unless I feel that I can actually change and affect something in a safe environment with someone I trust. I am not doing SuperListenMode comics and this blog (or my LeonieTalks/Plays videos) solely to get myself “known” because it never really works that way. I’ve been blogging for 5 ish years now and posting art for even longer and it’s mostly how good your work is and how it resonates with people.
It’s actually been a slow snail pace in terms of reader/viewership and there’s relatively not many of them. It’s stuck at fifty or so people peeking at it and a small percentage of that actually read/watch it all. :S So numbers aren’t really helpful for my case…I assume it’s just not something people want and I’m really doing this for myself.
People want fast and short content which is why I post some of the art I do on their own as well. People won’t go out of their way to read long rambly blogs like these (or watch my long videos!) Consequently I don’t really get much out of blogging, making videos and making these comics in a monetary direct sense. I’m not sharing about myself to manipulate anyone or gain people’s favour haha.
But what it allows me to do, is to learn to be comfortable to be myself. To learn to share things about myself since I don’t really do that much in person. (:
As you know by now, I don’t talk much in person while on social media I get to do that more. And then there’s SuperListenMode comics! :0 Lastly this blog and my YouTube are where I get to ramble the most. ;D I feel like these are safe/comfy spaces where I have the most control over where I can express thoughts and reflect about things with myself and for anyone interested in my progress.
And if they’re not interested and if people have moved on, then people are free to unfollow/unfriend me – I’ve done that to others because I’m not engaged with them anymore and I have been on the other end as well. Getting unfriended/unfollowed – it hurts. Or it feels sad and disappointing. Or there’s now some clear cut closure. Or it’s a “goodbye jerk!!” Or it’s a “I don’t care because I don’t know you to begin with :S”. And then there’s some guilt. Yes especially when you’re doing it to someone else you think of the “what ifs”. But stuff that kind of thinking – not helping!
Gosh people and friendships are complicated because we don’t care enough to talk to each other sometimes haha. Or even acknowledge each other’s existence D: It’s so hard to have mutual connection and interest! Or maybe I just don’t want to care about too many people’s struggles to save myself from too much emotional burden (I tend to think about others if I do). :S
Ack what is happening anymore haha
Anyhoo, I can always do things better as a person and artist. I’m a human after all and I can’t be a perfect person :0. Regardless, I will keep doing my best. If people catch me aside and kindly let me know I’m doing something wrong, reasons why, not impose upon me to do as they say and respectfully allow me to decide for myself then I welcome it :’)
I have no intention to be an outspoken charismatic public leader or boss as I do not have the boundless emotional energy by nature. Generally I’d like to be able to keep growing my emotional intelligence, support others whom I respect, trust and believe in, open my heart more to meaningful friendships and grow my sense of confidence and autonomy.
Essentially keep doing what I want & keep learning ;D
Anyhoo I hope my notes, quotes and personal thoughts get you thinking. Do consider watching the videos for yourself for the full emotional impact and even read her book like I am! ^o^
And I live with my barely functional family?
It’s not *the* right way. It’s just the way I do things at the moment.
I guess I’m technically not boring…but I don’t really express myself, experiences and my feelings in person that much. In conversation. One of my weaknesses…D:It’s good though to know that I can’t hide behind “boring” anymore. But more importantly…I used to believe that I am boring. Now I’m starting to question the notion so I guess that’s a start :0
A ramble about teaching in the face of apathy
* this is a repost during the month I did
http://imgur.com/r/TwoBestFriendsPlay/fpiQW
Not that the link above is exactly what I experienced during my brief teaching career but I have felt these “I’m dying inside and I’m burning out” feelings, fighting the face of immense apathy and disrespect and feeling isolated/ignored by my colleagues/employers for at least a whole year. Because we’re all dealing with the same thing on our own.
Yes I bought lollies, stickers and props too but aside from a bunch of eager students at a specialist maths class as goodbye gifts, I ate most of the sour gummies the end; I gave up. I’m not good at managing a classroom of teens as you know haha
I understood that it’s not personal within a slow schooling system – hey teenagers do want to learn!! But not feeling valued or respected and feeling incompetent within your career really killed almost all of my self worth. But a much needed wake up call that it wasn’t a career for me.
That said, this teacher’s plight goes through a lot of internal dialogue I relate to, leading towards “what’s the point?” conclusion haha
On the other hand, there are definitely wonderful and inspiring educators out there that support their students effectively in their personal growth and push towards positive change for the schooling system! ^_^
Gotta keep doing what you believe in and act who you really are :’)
There’s usually a handful of students even in university who don’t want to put any effort in and consequently wasting their time and money on something they don’t care enough about 🙁 Sometimes they bring their team members/classmates down too and their apathy hurts when you first learn that about a student .___. (virtual hugs!)
They stared and waited and eyed on the fallen chip; what bullies D: Essentially I was thinking, “hey I wanted the chip to go to the poor pigeon, not you majestic bullies!!” :’)
Extra video on why thinking you’re ugly is bad for you (not just for girls): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXlIAS-rI4E
Special Thanks for the Month
I’ve put thanks & shout outs through out this whole post and mentions too. But this is the special section where I mention memorable things kind people have done for me over a period of time ;D Decided to do this for this month so I focus on “hey I’m not that alone, sad and lonely as I think I am after all.”
- to Kristy for reaching out & hope to catch up soon ;D
- to the wonderful Kalonica for the sweet kind company and chats ^o^
- to the person who wrote me the twitter DM (see below)
- Lauren for being wonderful, kind and sweet to me and staying inspirational and strongly supportive of everyone around her
- For out of the blue encouragement boosts: Jenny Scheurle, Charlie O., Lauren again
- For bearing with my worst: my brother
- People at Mighty/at work who say hello/bye to me before or after a day of work (gosh I’m so simple)! And especially those who have given me encouragement boosts in times of silly self doubt! Thanks so much for bearing with my probably rude & “ignore everyone/workaholic quiet mode“! And more importantly, personal & mushy heartfelt thanks for the honour & opportunity to learn, grow and work with them all. Thank you so much. I still don’t know many things ;___; <3
- People who actually gave me feedback on my silly videos!
- Small bunch of people in general on social media for being there & engaging with me :’)
Okay I don’t know if I should make this a frequent thing because it seems to be repetitive and it might be with the same people or so because of my small handful of friendships :’) It was a good exercise to do though ^o^
Spot the Leonie! And hey I tagged along the CharmingKeep Launch Lunch Celebration with Mighty woo!
Wished I brought my sketchbook along because I’m terrible at conversations and group socialising. I just ended up being sad looking haha :<
Apparently I’m on brand in this photo though haha :’)
I’m the “ninja master of hiding behind heads”.
[My original tweet here]
Somehow this blog inspired someone? :0
So someone new stumbled upon this blog (you know who you are ;D) and they read all the way back to 2011 and was mind blown from a life changing experience (their words, not mine). Whoa O___O;
I opened my twitter DMs temporarily for them and they expressed and rambled how they used to resent people who had a supportive family and friends, environment, opportunities and had the financial means to pursue an artistic/creative career. Haha I’ve definitely been there. Being frugal has stuck with me as spending money on myself is still sometimes a guilt ridden thing D:
Occasionally I still do resent things as unhealthy as it sounds because…life isn’t fair. We don’t have the same upbringing and experiences. It’s terribly isolating at times. My introverted quiet personality doesn’t particularly help when it comes to approach-ability and being interesting. I don’t have many friends I can count on for a regular basis but I am lucky that I do have a few sometimes to talk to once in a while. (:
What can you do but deal with what you have and use that strength to your advantage to help yourself and people you care about? (:
Anyhoo: then they read my blog and my struggles in the past several years up till now (yes all of my super not proud stuff) and realised that they should work hard and look inwards to make opportunity happen for themselves. It’s possible but terribly difficult! There will be many times when you lose all hope. 🙁
If you’ve read my journey through my blog posts, I’ve been there. It felt like the ultimate test of self worth and walking towards a dead end career full of doom and gloom. Back when I was struggling and unemployed and trying to build my little creative career for a couple of years in 2014/2015, it was a question of “how bad do you really want it? What sort of life do you want to lead?” I didn’t want to regret my career decisions any longer. .___.
Back to the DM: they thanked me in terribly sweet ways (and a WIP fanart :0)! And that I’ve changed their life in convincing them to get more focused in pursuing their dream. :0 Whoaaa!
I won’t disclose your twitter name because I’m not sure (it’s a private DM after all) but thank you so much for sharing that with me! <3 Congrats and all the best on your journey! ^o^
I was really touched and in turn, it played a part in pushing me to deal with my being miserable (which has strengthened because it happened before the monthly cramps). Hey I’m a human and sometimes I don’t feel 100% that great. :'(
Slowly I’m working towards getting myself out of the rut I am/was in and just keep tolerating and/or fighting off the other bad stuff in the meantime as usual. I am now using social media in short sessions so I can rest, make stuff and learn things more/instead. The world isn’t doing that great right now either so this is precisely the time to stay strong!
Hey, I doubt 50 people actually read this blog whether the stats are really accurate here haha. I half jokingly hoped that this blog would inspire someone when I first started (I was a nobody 5 years ago and had 2-4 views?) and although I have gotten kind and wonderful feedback and encouragement from 5 or so people in the past 5 years, this is the first time I’ve received such a long response that inspired and apparently changed their worldview! :0!!
I don’t know what to feel right now but I feel pumped, encouraged and grateful!! This is one of those moments where I say again: “Wait people read what I write??? WHAT????” :’)
Based on this whole blog post on “not being enough” and so on, I have a lot of work to go. On my self confidence, skills and belief that I have independence and that I am worthy of love/attention. It’s going to be a tough conscious fight against my gut reaction of shrinking away in denial and shock haha
As much as I don’t have many relatives who don’t make me feel terrible about myself as a person (hey I admit get terribly rude and defensive if anyone imposes on me & tells me what to do because I am fed up with it already with my dad. I’m a jerk at times .___. ) I accept that this is going to take a long while because my life/home/family isn’t going to change anytime soon and I don’t plan to move right now either – it’s all I’ve ever known honestly. It is where we begrudgingly look after each other as a family. In an emotionally distant way. Whether we enjoy each other’s company or not; culturally for me that’s how it is. Plus I get to save money haha ;D
Enough about my personal stuff; I digress! The feeling that we’re all in this together, learning to be better as creatives and people in itself is incredible and beautiful.
If you’re reading this, thank you for your company in the past several years or even today for reading this blog! ^_^
We can do this. Believe in yourself!
You are worthy, even if you do not believe it yet.
Things may not seem great right now lately; you need to take care of yourself and stay strong for yourself and others you care about.
You’re not alone in feeling this because I’m tackling the same thing.
Especially with self worth. And self confidence.
Things will be okay.
You are okay. <3
Thanks for reading! Keep adventuuuring you!
Gosh this month was all about enjoying the moment,
doing your best even though you may not be feeling that great, feeling lost or uncertain,
hanging in there and pushing through,
taking more social media breaks to keep focused,
and be the change you want to see in your world! (:
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