Why do I art anymore? Three years of Burp! 2016 Reflection + 11 months at Mighty Games [NOV&DEC2016]

SuperListenMode: don’t have the answers to life

SuperListenMode: Too Bad Best Buddy Brother ;D

SuperListenMode: Now that this is out, I guess this means I have no friends now .___.
Everyone loves cakes it seems.
I can eat sweet things in little/moderate amounts! And plain cinnamon donuts, sponge cake, Durian cake, steamed Malaysian cake and whatnot are cool but when it’s heavily caked with sugar & icing…

HOW DO PEOPLE EAT THIS PRETTY SUGAR HEAVY VOMIT INDUCING STUFF
BLERGGHHHHH EWWW D:

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! >:0
Whipped like Cream makes it even worse BLEH

Ok even if I am losing “friends”, saying all that felt good.

Hey I respect people who love sugar heavy foods; you all seem to outnumber me anyway haha I have resigned to my fate of silently thinking “eww” inside but I need to express something somehow haha

SuperListenMode: Y U leave all of a sudden??

Enjoy a wonderful month everyone too! ^o^I have yet to give her this in person yet because heyyy I’m a hermit~!

BurpDoodle: Just reliving my Pokemon Red & Gold experiences through everyone’s excitement with Sun & Moon now!
So much screenshots & discussion!
Thank youuu – and I’m not even playing it :’) #TeamRowlet

Oh the Pokemon Generations mini series are quite interesting (it’s on YouTube)! It’s just cool action sequences that reflect on all the generations of Pokemon, leading up to the current gen. :0

Very different from the anime as it assumes you know what happens in the games! (I used to like the anime in the early seasons – Team Rocket are awesome!! But stopped watching when in the middle of the season May was the traveling companion due to Ash’s lack of character development; I lost interest).

Anyhoo, just keep enjoying Pokemon Sun & Moon ;D

I won’t say what advice she gave me but I have a bit more clarity now :<Thanks; even though I’m being really vague out of respect/privacy

Generally vague: Hey. It’s okay to feel sad and be human.
Being aware that you’re seeking something that isn’t there or fits really helps. As much as you believe you “should” do things differently, you don’t actually want to change right now and you need to deal with your decisions. Learning when things are out of your control, what you really want and what your weaknesses are, is a life long process. Growing into a better person or stay the same, hey?

The above was not what we talked about on the train actually but just some after thoughts haha

PS: I guess it’s more about how you don’t choose who you work and live with during your life so just do what you can. Know when to keep it aloof and professional, if friendships is possible or a vague sort of acquaintance-distant-level relationship is what it’ll always be (mostly this choice for me, as isolating it feels to say). Hey people choose their friends and I’m not exactly the “go to” warm, nurturing, generous and engaging person to hang around haha.
I got my bro I can annoy daily and few people I can talk to sometimes at least (: ❤

When summer begins, I sort of go for baggy comfy clothing that covers skin even if I’m sweating horribly, just so I don’t get sunburned sometimes, fear of mosquitoes and I worry about how bad I may look if I attempt to dress appropriately :S But at a point, I give up and wear shorts/dress and shirts hahaYeah I probably need to get the summer dresses out at this rate.

I haven’t done Christmas Cards for a long timePerhaps exceptions in the future but there’s better ways to express the <3

It happened ages ago but it comes up whenever christmas cards come to mind .___.

I drew the portrait on the envelope, I guess they don’t like envelopes? Haha It was thrown out the same day I handed them out (secretly because I was a shy butt). I was sort of giving cards as a ninja and also because at the time I won’t see them again D:

Anyhoo! It still didn’t stop me from making gift art as you all know 😉
I did get shaken from doing Xmas ones though. I did this comic just because
1) it happened and I can’t forget it for some reason
and 2) you can do other specific things for people you care most about instead ^_^

I don’t want to leave you all with sadness though 🙁

Actually I don’t think I remember who it was for but the vague memories still remain :’)
I think that’s probably why I feel okay making a comic out of it since it was ages ago ^_^

I guess over the years, my desire to make them has died and I’d rather not do them altogether .__.

SPOILERS: because both Chirrut and Baze are so underdeveloped as characters and arguably shouldn’t need to exist as much as I enjoy their character design and Chirrut’s personality – it’s still 1 dimensional to the story. I didn’t really care for them. Donnie Yen’s moves was just a scene or two 🙁 There’s so much potential for them to be developed further.I guess that’s not the point of this movie. The point is believing and trusting in the force and each other despite of their personal troubled histories and insecurities and them being part of something larger than themselves. Their sacrifices were worth it as a whole.

I like the backstory to Jyn but I didn’t care for Cassian and how both of them kept staring and flirting at each other – it irked me and I was glad that they hugged instead rather than the conventional hollywood kiss. >.<; Don’t force romance into this! And Jyn forgave him so fast after the rebellion meeting for him almost going to murder her dad. Just too forced that “everything’s okay” and she’s in this cause because of her dad all this time – it works well for the actiony checkboxes and nostaglia for the overall movie but I didn’t care about her much after she found her dying dad onwards – aside for her moving the story forward. :S

That is my mission and reason right now and in this year ahead. ^o^

Making & designing art makes me happy fulfilled; a passive way of connecting to others

It doesn’t mean I depend on art as my only source to be happy but I feel most fulfilled doing art. I don’t have to be “positive and happy and full of energy all the time” because that’s not me. I’m a deadpan boring neutral person haha

So if you’re seeing SuperListenMode comics from me, it’s because I’m expressing myself in my hermit way! If you just see only these comics from me instead of other art = I just need quality time to learn things and self care really. I can’t always make publicly make art; I do try to make BurpDoodles in between because SuperListenMode comics is not what I do for a living haha

We do what we do, because that’s who we are.

On an even deeper and emotional level, I do art because I’m lonely, finding it difficult to form genuine deep connections, wondering if anyone cares and so I’m expressing myself with art – hopefully someone understands me out there.

Even if most people are not mutually interested and/or mutually respectful of each other. Hey, for me I am not completely sure of people until considerable quality time is spent with each other so don’t take it *too* personally. Common sense right? (:

Plus this video on Why We’re Fated to Be Lonely really speaks to me.

At least I can hug my brother when I feel down at least. :’)

Self hugs works too sometimes; you’re telling yourself that you will be okay!

To say to yourself: 
“I’m here to create the things I want to see in the world.
Something positive, hopeful, bright, weird, silly, special, beautiful and meaningful to me.”

Something that warms my ice cold/neutral heart ❤
That’s what I want to leave behind.
And then forget about it so I keep working at it haha

Graphic Novel making is not for me I recall my attempts now D:
I think at the rate I’m going, I enjoy creating, designing and illustrating towards a one off project rather than something ongoing like a fully illustrated graphic novel where you’ll have to draw the same designs over and over and over for several years until the super long story is done with hundreds and thousands of pages D:

Nope!! And I’m not that great at making up stories (one day!) and have little practice in long sequential art. There was a period where I enjoyed comics so I attempted a short web comic ages ago (not SuperListenMode) and that was a struggle to finish – it was just 7-10 pages!

I attempted to plan out a long story and comic for something else ages ago and I did not enjoy doing it – I didn’t go far. It’s one thing to admire and put people who make story heavy and beautiful comics/webcomics for a living as inspiration but it’s another thing to actually make it on a daily and constant basis on your own. Everything is on you. I did not like my stories to begin with. It was a struggle and I didn’t really have a story of my own I felt that was important to me – that I needed to tell. It’s bad already to commit to a graphic novel with an underdeveloped story you don’t care for! 🙁

I prefer making short comics, illustrations, designing & making things for “bigger than me” projects and then move on the next thing to design and create!

I’ve heard making comics for a living is definitely not a field to be in for just the money – you tend to get paid really poorly if done for clients 🙁 This is why most web comic artists do it as a personal project. And if it *ever ever* does well, then they have to create merchandise, expand into other media with their intellectual property and/or print their comics into books – you have to really enjoy doing it for your story or gags because you’d be doing it for many years to come to keep the fires burning, the growing fan community alive and keep it updated. You have to not be sick of your own creations for a long time…it depends how much your creations actually evolve or not though. I don’t keep up on webcomics anymore since uni though so what do I know haha.

For me I get tired of my creations once I finish designing and illustrating them. I need a huge break and by then, I’d want to redesign them all over again!! haha

Making a graphic novel out of them all on my own would be a huge commitment I’m not keen on D: I think this is the same for making a game or animation all by yourself too. It really has to be a story/theme I cared enough to reiterate and develop. Something I truly believe in within my core being.

All the same, I do want to explore more things in the future! 😀

Can’t 100% cross out graphic novels/long narrative focused comics forever though! I mean I haven’t actually *finished* one so what do I know?
Who knows what future me will do!

Wait; what do I want to keep doing?

I want to keep doing & I enjoy:

• the quirky, pretty, toonish things!
• intrigue and wonder and fantastical and silly!
• designing characters of course!
• telling stories and provide escapism into another world or game through images – through believable characters especially. ^o^
• drawing female characters haha
• cute things – my taste is probably different to some
• beautiful, breath taking story moments – one day I’ll be able to do that
• making portraits
• making fun silly BurpDoodles
• express my personal stuff through SuperListenMode
• practice so I don’t hate doing vector art D:
• try more pixel, traditional and all sorts of art
• I really need to make more character designs or ideas of my own
• learn how to make my own fake project prototypes
• studying art yo
• help out others with their projects if our vision is on the same page 😀
• my fanart crutch haha –
  • I need to do less of this! I’m mostly doing studies and learning how other artists do things.
  • And there’s always knowing how other artists can do fanart much better than I could out there so I don’t bother trying to do the same sort of thing unless I *really* want to draw it out of fun for myself :0
  • I guess it depends on how fun and/or how much I liked the source material – enough to attempt drawing it terribly haha
  • I can’t say “I WON’T DO FANART FOREVER” because then I will do the opposite haha; I will be self conscious about it though! There are many things I’ve watched that I haven’t drawn because there isn’t the time anyway.
  • I might use fanart as a way to make me enjoy learning new art approaches though hmm!!
• more things I can’t really predict ;D
• do more Video Diaries when I actually get out there and interact with people – get people talking on camera more probably? I’ll ask first of course :0
• LEARNING and rambling about it!! That’s what I really hope for this new year. PROGRESS YO! 😀

Some more art questions on what I do:
* When do you make art? Is it at a regular time? 
I make art at work, after work, on weekends. I don’t have any other notable hobbies (at least passionate about enough to mention)! Sometimes I don’t do any art after work and just do life stuff and relax. No set schedule because it keeps getting rearranged when it’s just up to me and how much energy I have haha. I don’t have too many other hobbies so I’m terribly *boring* to talk to :’)

* Are you acting on an inspiration? What’s starts the process?
Inspiration? Sometimes if I’ve seen or played a good game or movie (I’d do fanart and/or studies to learn hehe) but mostly nope! I just have to figure out what to create. And do it. Especially when it comes to personal art. (:
I have a list of things I want to make so I pick out things I feel like doing for a given moment and start doing it. 😀

* Do you have a routine, a ritual? Where do you go, how do you lay out your supplies? What’s going on in the background while you’re making art and how does that influence you?
Er maybe? Traditional art wise, I set out my materials out first or not – it depends how planned the art making is. With digital art, I set out what I would listen/watch in the background first.
It keeps me arting at my own relaxed pace for better or for worse haha

* How does your art evolve? Are you intentional right from the start or do things materialize as you go?
It has to be a mix of both. Sometimes you’re intentional to make sure you’re improving where you want to be. Other times you’re drawing the way you like to draw and you evolve without being actually aware of it. I often forget because I focus on all the things I need to improve instead D:
My art has been evolving (I’d hope!) but it’s been slow especially with a new job with new things to learn for it (and still do!) I hope to keep learning all the same 😀

* What do you think makes your art worthwhile and why– not only to you, but to others as well?
Hm I’ve mentioned why it’s worthwhile to me above already.
I *hope*, not expect or demand, that others feel more positive or at least feel a genuine sense of connection when they see my art? At least they have something passably pretty, fun and/or cute to look at? haha
I don’t always make happy and positive stuff especially when it comes to personal comics like SuperListenMode. I don’t mind if people don’t interact with those much because not every one will relate to my personal experiences and opinions. (:

* What is your art about? Is it about you? About thoughts, philosophies, themes, events or other people? Is it about beliefs? Is it a commentary? Does it tell a story?
It’s a mix of personal experiences, the things I like or visually communicating what I want through a character, design or illustration. And when it comes to projects bigger than myself and for clients – well it’s not all about me but some of it is still there sometimes. (:

* How do you know when you’re done? What makes you step back and say, “This is it, this is perfect, it’s exactly what I want?”
It’s the gut feeling of “can I improve this any better?” If not, I “ship it” and move on to the next thing. For “larger than me” projects, I take a break and come back to it with fresh eyes.

* Is there a logical progression between one work of art and the next? Does one lead directly to the next? Or is there little or no connection? How do individual pieces of your art relate to one another?
Not exactly aside from my hope that I’m improving! 😀
2016 Review & 11 months at Mighty Games: From Home Hermit to Studio Hermit Artist haha

I’m technicaly not a Junior now? Whatever “Junior” really means. Titles don’t matter but I just felt that “Junior” allows me to feel free to not know what I’m doing and still learn things 😉 So I’ll stick with Junior until I feel confident in doing prototypes on my own at a faster pace :S Hopefully I’ll get to do that more in this coming year.

Phew okay back on the main topic. 11 months at Mighty! Woo!
Isn’t that much on the life timeline but it’s not short either!
Why 11 months and not a year? Well it makes sense to push it forward together with my 2016 reflection blog! 😀

Learned heaps at Mighty, made myself at home at my workstation here (I decorated a little) and slowly got to know many people – at least better compared to being an isolated hermit haha ^o^

I am terribly lucky and grateful (:

I’m completely cool with teamwork, getting critical feedback and getting things done and all that and I get to ponder it over to figure out what I can learn from it! It’s just that in hindsight, I can’t really call it a “family” because I don’t really know everyone well still (there’s a lot of us at Mighty to me) and that’s completely okay. (:

That’s something I’m accepting in 2016; I can’t be friends with everyone I work with or in the same Arcade building. Keeping things professional is okay. It’s like with any friendship! I stare at my computer the most to stay in “work mode” and away from actual socialising and getting distracted – conserving energy for work as it goes up and down with breaks is very important to me :’)

I’m at the point where I’m very slowly (at the pace of a turtle) warming up my place/role at Mighty. Yep it’s real slow. Not completely because I’m learning to feel comfortable to be who I am in the office! It’s not an on/off switch I can tap on :S

What do I mean?

As a human being, I went from an: 

• “isolated quiet “wolf” or disconnected follower as a kid/teen/uni student
• someone who felt worthless, not really having a say due to family pressure, getting blame for everything I do and the only encouragement I got was through a few teachers as I grew up
• “always on my feet, burnt out, isolated high school teacher for a year”
• disappointment in myself and career choices; a failure
• to “struggling hermit freelancer”
• and now part of an incredible studio where everyone seems amazing at what they do and they’re getting along well while I’m still figuring myself out! :’)

All my fault and it’s who I am but I’m learning through the help of interacting with other people. I believe I need to be explicitly prodded to change drastically or I’ll hug my comfort zone sometimes. Habits and conditioning? I don’t know. (:
Self awareness helps! Learning at my own pace!

It’s going to take a long time to find my feet compared to most people. I’m an extreme alien case! I have an upbringing and have habits different to the majority but I’m sure I’m not alone on the global scale of things!

Anyhoo, I don’t really have much in common and instead I listen and learn what “normal” people do and what games they’re interested about haha Perhaps many extroverts don’t like me very much because I prefer 1 to 1 as you know while they’d prefer as much people as possible. I’m so slow and usually focused listening rather than adding to witty fast banter haha I appreciate listening to them though! I have accepted that I’m not entertaining company haha

In meetings and unless I have a predetermined agenda, I just listen and gather my thoughts afterwards rather than contribute on the spot – that’s how I function. We are all different in many ways, I just haven’t mastered the art in getting good at finding the commonalities with other people…I’ve sort of given up looking long ago. Because usually you can’t find it and I can’t bear too much disappointment in my life as weak/silly as that sounds! I have enough pressure at home! Expecting we have nothing much in common is my norm for better or worse haha :’)

My “what am I doing here??” and “What value can I even give to Mighty?” worries surface every now and then admittedly. Especially when there’s some leeway to slow down the pace with work. I’ve talked it over and as much as I do my best and I work well with others, this feeling isn’t going to go away anytime soon. I still need to work along with my insecurities. And that’s okay.

I’m a person and hope to get better at being one haha
I tend to downplay and forget about what I’ve done apparently…

So in light of celebrating what I’ve done for the record, I shall deliberately look back what I contributed with Mighty so far (those that are publicly released of course!) I’m not trying to show off, but I if I don’t do this I will actually forget completely haha

So with Mighty 2016 as a tiny Artist:

• learning Qubicle by making dinos!
• annoying Scott and Ryan the most throughout the year for feedback 😉
• Shooty Skies Comics
• Shooty Skies 80’s Arcade Anarchy Update
• Shooty Skies Cute Cuddle Chaos Sticker Gifs
• Assorted Shooty Skies and Disney Crossy Road extra tidbits and characters
• I added my voxel self into the credits? That’s tiny something :’)
• Disney Crossy Road’s Alice through the Looking Glass Update (nope not watched the movie)
• Disney Crossy Road’s Pirates of the Caribbean Update – I watched all the movies for this D:
• Tiny tidbits for the upcoming Charming Keep game but it won’t be used but I figured I should mention it to note how not everything you do will work for the project! Gamedev!
• Disney Crossy Road’s Nightmare Before Christmas Update
• Me actually attempting vector art because I was encouraged to – eep!
• Crossy Road‘s Dinosaur characters & world update!
• Crossy Road’s 2 year Anniversary Update – cute baby chicken too!
• a bunch of stuff for the start of the year phew D:

2016 Notable “Personal Struggles & Things I’ve learned” blog posts

• Art Style: Looks and Function
• Fanart
• Despair & Resilience
• I started SuperListenMode in 2016!
• Managing Insecurities
• BurpAvatar project 
• Ambition: fear of and wanting greatness
• Learning UI in unity & forgetting about most of it haha
• Vector Art practice
• Creative Self Care & Compassion
• Intense Games Week Edition

I don’t really want to go back to the posts themselves and paraphrase them because I’ll be repeating what’s already there – go forth and read them yourselves ;D

Still, phew that’s a lot from 2 “for the record” lists D:
And now I move on and forget what I’ve done ahaha ;D

I won’t dwell on 2016 as 2017 is here now and there’s work to do! Hehe

2016 Special thanks, enigmatic quotes and personal good stuff to remember:

• PEOPLE– definitely going to miss someone apologies! This is me looking back from the top of my head and what’s memorable since I don’t really “get out there and socialise” much. Not that many of them will see this and there isn’t that many people outside of work here :’) haha
  • Lauren – for being a sweet lovely and generous friend who encouraged and pushed me to apply to things – I wouldn’t be at Mighty if I didn’t! But most importantly the fact that we still keep tabs on each other online and her infectious positive presence seems to be everywhere for everyone. And AHHH my first friendship Christmas lunch date and getting treated with mussels! Thank you for being there ;___; ❤❤
  • Scott Bartlett – super kind art buddy who “smashes super awesome art” out! 😀 Thank you for chatting with me sometimes, bearing with my “in the zone” quietness and me annoying you :’) Terribly appreciating your encouragement, your supporting me along the way as I stumble about at Mighty like a lost soul and being wonderful company. ^o^
  • Ben Britten – bunnies! ❤ And thank you for being incredibly welcoming & understanding! And all the occasional little 1 to 1 sweet chats ;__;
  • Kristy Kate – for keeping tabs on me and occasionally touching base as a lovely art friend (:
  • Ryan Keable – “Hey don’t undersell yourself!” + being encouraging! (:
  • Matt Hall – “It’s okay to be boring”, occasional sweet chats + coffee (rare drink for me)! (: He also reminded me how making graphic novels aren’t for me right now in hindsight. I sort of deleted memories of my terrible attempts at making comics in the past haha – I didn’t enjoy it as I rambled about it above. I probably lacked a story I cared enough to tell though.
  • Kath – thanks for the painkillers, occasional little chats and being who you are! (:
  • Snow McNally – thank you for your presence, being encouraging and making stories ^o^
  • Katie Gall – thank you! You got me started making short comics ;D
  • Kim Miranda – thank you for being a wonderful “you got this!!” supportive buddy. You’re juggling and doing awesome things and great things are happening for you 😀
  • Rhiannon Poley – thanks for the occasional kind little chats too 😀
  • Timothy Best – thanks for bearing with me and your encouragement especially when I ask you questions haha
  • Kalonica Quigley – for being lovely art company during a lot of GCAP (at least day 1) or I’ll just be a sad lonely lost Leonie like previous years’! People come and go fast ;___; ❤
  • Liam Esler – thank you for the heart warming power boosts and super encouraging words & presence in the past year!! And for believing in me before I even did, I don’t know what else to say ;___; It was fun to work with you on your GDC Narrative talk slides too yay ^o^
  • Matt Ditton – he made sure I didn’t die from hobbling when I injured myself earlier in the year haha. Thank youuu for your kindness (:
  • Andrei Anadin – “Task cards like a boss” appreciation and thanks so much for the encouragement! 😀
  • Mel/Bohah – Now *you* are the special one since the deviantart days *and* for still keeping up with the blog since it started 😭 Thank you so much you kind lady and for our wonderful catch up last year (finally)!! I hope you’re faring well on your adventures! ^_^ ❤
  • Everyone else at Mighty for the weekday “hello”s and one “having no other hobbies – other than drawing – is okay” haha
  • Friendly people I sorta know which I haven’t included here: thank you for being friendly and saying hello and making feel welcome to be around you ^o^ I feel terrible that I’ve missed people here but I have to limit it to people I remember, feel comfortable with & keep in contact with frequently – otherwise I’ll be here all day (:
  • People I’ve chatted and/or met this year: it was nice to be able to use you as guinea pigs while I try to push my comfort zone at social things haha :’) There’s many of you that I can’t recall my terrible socialising skills but thanks for your kind company ;___; haha
  • People who’ve kept tabs on my internet posts: THANK YOUUU ;__; It’s so encouraging! It’s so much like talking to an internet void sometimes. Helloooo internet peeps :’)
  • And special thanks for those who sent me special out of the blue messages of encouragement <3 – they *really* cheered me up and gave me many warm fuzzies to keep going ;__;
  • My brother – someone I can annoy on a daily basis with what happened during the day ;D And we share things ^o^
• PERSONAL THINGS
  • Mighty jerb! :O!!! How am I still here haha – slowly warming up like a turtle (:
  • Making event and personal video diaries woo – I managed to squeeze my bad battery life of my old phone haha
  • I started trying & buying traditional art stuff
  • I hurt myself but got better after being on crutches haha
  • I only got sick once during this year :0
  • Hospital visits and blood tests told me nothing about my feet swelling thing from last year 🙁
  • Accompanying my dad for his specialist visits & watching him get tested & jabbed in the neck with a huge syringe D:
  • I did little to no social things overall because day job was intense with my energy already haha :’)
  • I’ve more watched movies in the cinema this year than ever :0
  • got to sort and arrange my own room now :’) – slowly
  • aware of how protective I get with deciding when I want to get into social mode and that’s a bad thing sometimes – my silly/safe reaction is “nuuu I want to work/learn instead” :’)
  • Get to talk about work with my bro together daily 😀

So generally it’s been a wonderful year of learning and new opportunities for me :’) And I’m grateful I was able to push my comfort zone somewhat this year.

It hasn’t been a great year on a global scale plus climate change is inevitable – it’s just a matter of how devastating.

Still, I remain hopeful for 2017.

Artist Jealousy: Again? Why Leonie?

Haha HEY there.

I’m reflecting for the whole year and how this thing has been a common theme.

And I just want to ramble about it again because I’m working through this by articulating repetitively it here. Reminding myself in my own personal blog.

Feel free to skip! :’) Anyhoo:

Hey Leonie, there’s always going to be someone worse or way better than you in opportunities, abilities, upbringing, support, encouragement, help, skills, social circles, charisma, looks, youth, wittyness, accomplishments, influence, reputation and popularity.

This is out of our control, as much as we may feel forms of envy, jealousy or empathy for each others’ personal struggles or fortunes.

What we wished we have or don’t have.

How there’s so many of us joining and creating our own ways into doing what we want or believe in – is inspiring. The quality of the projects out there is rising to wonderful heights. So much creativity as much as there are classics/parodies/tropes!

Paraphrasing from what I’ve read from games: there’s 6000+ taking courses,
2000+ new graduates looking for jobs each year (versus all the other experienced/previously graduated people and professionals as well)
and less than 50 games jobs each year in Australia!

And everyone’s work seems to be getting so good D: !! This is why I was so resigned and lost hope during the time before I joined Mighty. You’re competing for a small pool of jobs out there and chances are, many people’s work are kicking your butt. How do you even have a chance?? *throws arms in the air*

It does reassure that if you don’t get in, it’s because of the numbers – statistically your chances are slim. It’s not *all* because of you. Consequently this results in many people making their own studios and making their own dreams happen (with a day job to keep things running). This leads into industry growth – I think that’s how it works? So it’s not all doom and gloom if you really want to make games, art or animation happen. That’s how many people get into doing bigger things nowadays. (:

I digress.

Sure I have both envy/jealousy and sadness sometimes with other artists. Especially with meetups I get intimidated at how sociable other artists seem to be – I end up taking a passive backseat and listen haha

But I strive to not dwell on it where possible because of understanding and empathy – we’re all going through similar things. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s a part of the learning journey since there’s always people better and worse off than you.

Competition is a thing whether you like it or not
YES…because the industry is always moving and we need to keep tabs on what the market potentially would demand and need. Or is competition really helpful on an individual basis? I think it’s grey because as humans we’re always judging/comparing to an extent. It’s how we find how much we have in common and if we’re compatible for interaction and working with each other.

In terms of the industry, it happens when it comes to finding good people to work with and who gives you the results you need for the project.

From my perspective, competition itself implies you’re directly putting down another to put yourself up as the “winner” or vice versa. I myself am conditioned like that since at home I get compared with other people my age a lot in a “why aren’t you as good/successful as them” way >__>;

It feels good to be the “winner/ahead” but horrible as the “loser/behind” when it comes to comparisons and competition. 🙁 Even if I’m ever on the “winner” side, it’s short lived and then I fall back on the default loser side.

It’s hard to shake that off because that black and white thinking is unhelpful. Definitely a conscious: “Stahp that!” for me.

The jealousy I had was important and reflected more about me and my insecurities than anyone else.

But fixating on it too long…not helpful! I had to stop myself from comparing statistics and the seemingly good times people were having together by blocking myself from the time sink that is social media ;__; Striving to stop the temptation of comparing myself to others where possible.

Who cares what everyone else is doing (as inspiring and/or distracting as it is); no one cares about what you do…as much as you do!

Sometimes my solution to my own jealousy and insecurities is just backing out for some “creative me” time and then I feel better again because I forget and am too busy with my own thing haha ^_^

Gogogo Refocus!!
I do keep saying and refocus myself: I did not do art for the sake of popularity, fame, friendships, being better than other people and whatnot! I don’t expect or demand people for their help. But friendships and getting more eyeballs peeping my art would be wonderful all the same as an isolated hermit bear butt :’)

Though again – there are times where I could have asked and spoken up at least! Even though I’m not comfortable in being vulnerable in person with people I have yet to warm up to (hey I talk about all my insecurities here in my personal blog as you know! But not many read these so THANK YOUUU if you do!) :’)

Allowing fear and jealousy (aka insecurity and low self worth) drive your actions could destroy friendships or potential ones you have. It becomes self destructive and leads to a negative feedback loop in your self talk! You don’t feel enough all the time. It comes up every now and then when you feel you’re not going anywhere – it’s normal and it happens. Just gotta be self aware. (:

Managing the familiar “not being enough” feeling
Luckily I am getting better at keeping “not enough” feeling at a manageable level. Most of the time it’s still there but I’m able to transform that into fuel to keep going.

You gotta believe in yourself to get through!
Respect yourself!

Give yourself 10+ seconds before acting upon your fear, insecurities and jealousy (It works in stopping you from reacting!)
Be aware of what your triggers and insecurities you have.
Note that others’ happiness is not your failure.
You’re just feeling you lack what they have.

Try writing down 5 things you’re grateful for being you. Embrace you.

And improve yourself on what you think you lack.
Transform their success into encouragement, not as a threat. Unless they are blatantly disrespecting you – they probably did nothing wrong!

As a personal example, 5 things I’m grateful for:

• my brother! 😀
• working with cool people at Mighty 😀
• I get to make art for a living and for fun! Learning!
• keeping tabs with friends, acquaintances and peeps through social media; as much as I put a time limit on myself 😀
• I have food, shelter, the bare essentials and I don’t worry about survival and managing life…right now

That was easy.
Now do it for yourself privately! (:

The past two months: recovery from intense MIGW16 and what’s next!

Play to Win Documentary about Halfbrick in Nov

Had an early screening of Play To Win Documentary during mid Nov! :0
https://www.facebook.com/PlayToWinDocumentary/ 

Pasting what I wrote at the time here for memory’s sake 😀 Here goes:

It was insightful & heartfelt when it went into the tension & balance between game making for players versus consumers.
Learned lots about Halfbrick’s journey & struggles from being a close knit small family to an expanding multi-million business.There’s so many perspectives at play & no one’s in the wrong – it’s all about compassion & understanding how & why many people from Halfbrick’s original group are going their separate ways.
So much to think about making something fun to play & making something that’s sustainable as game developers.
Even as an artist, there has been an internal struggle between personal art that maybe others would like versus commercial and marketable art. How to balance between the two is hard.Anyway, watch it to experience Halfbrick’s journey from here to now. Food for thought for creative people, so glad I saw it ^_^

It was also screened on the ABC and greatly reminded me of this article: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2016/11/its-not-the-bottom-its-the-foundation.html

Where ultimately it’s a challenge to stay on the same page with everyone in a given company/business. Sharing the same vision and understanding what’s going on is vital otherwise things won’t work out in the long run. People start losing track on how they fit in as part of the bigger picture.

And then watching it again with my brother – feels, concerns and struggles with making your own IP mixed with human bonds. It’s sort of discouraging and real when and if things get big and the vision and overhead costs get larger. :'(

Personally I keep asking myself:
How can I bring value to whatever I do but still stick to what I believe in overall? How do I bring stuff to the table to the Mighty Team and keep my creative fulfillment satisfied also in the same/other ways?
How do I fit in as part of the bigger picture?

Am currently learning and figuring things out as always (:
I’m helping out and learning as usual so that’s what I know about it!

After MIGW16: feelings many months later:I sort of “died” and in the month or so later I was really tired – as the extreme introvert I am. Despite how I turned down most of the late night parties and outside get togethers…I needed loads of recovery time from people.

Yeah I “just get by” at crowded social things haha
I’m tired of bearing things out until my energy’s gone sometimes so I have to say no to things a lot.

I think I slowed down recovery because I went back to work (gasp people!!) after a day off anyway haha

Anyhoo, it was SO sweet & am so grateful when a handful of kind people donated towards my Speaker BurpDoodles! ❤ And I was terribly awed that many more people shared it instead. I don’t think many people downloaded them though…or maybe I don’t know how it works. I’ll try something a little different next year. 😀

Glad I pushed my comfort zone, apparently I did “better” at socialising but I think it’s because I knew my limits, just focused on video diaries (because I didn’t really talk to many people) and knew when I was going to go home.

If I did talk to people, it was mostly because they came to me to talk haha

Thank you if this was you! ;__; It’s difficult because people are constantly moving to the next person to talk to at these things and since conversational small talk is not my strength, I’d rather take a step back and get out of the way haha

Cox n’ Dooger: Hawt Dawgs shirt…at home.

Can’t do it at PAXAus; too…sensual & embarrassing :’)

@JesseCox & @dexbonus

Confused?
It’s a parody of a Hawt Dawg man drawing with this interesting scenario that was on Kate’s wall during their Let’s Play :0
Gosh this shirt was pricey to get to Australia .___.
Not that this is normal for me haha

And WAHHH Jesse saw & replied!! ^o^
Been watching his YouTube channel for a couple of years or so and…yay :’)

I quit Instagram indefnitely
Actually I feel really happy I’m not using/checking Instagram anymore :’)

It has been “because artists are using it” but it’s just another platform I “have” to post to and spend time on (to show off pretty imagery rather than glamourous life adventures). And facebook, twitter, tumblr and email are potentially overwhelming as it is.

Admittedly, I haven’t enjoyed using it so I don’t use it much anyway aside from cross posting art. I figured I should cut it out anyway ;D It’s like letting go things I don’t need or use much at all ^o^

Managed to afford our little expensive ipad pro – with my bro :’)

Never owned Apple stuff…a big newbie here.

so I spent last night figuring out how to set it up; such packaging D:

What do all these apps do??

Got an Apple Pencil too!! *__*; I want to art on the go!!

I posted out a question: suggestions for Apps (especially artist ones) to try/get? :0

Definitely getting #SuperMarioRun haha ;D
Eventually. In no rush actually since it’s a hard game for completionists.
It’s not a game I’ll be chasing down to play honestly.

My sketchbook filled up with Slack stickers haha  I’m not going to intentionally collect stickers anymore haha 😀

Remaining weeks of 2016 

SuperListenMode: Puddle Time Heatwave Holidays with no AC – it’s that time of year again :< Feeling icky, sleepy, lazy, tired, not wanting to go anywhere and miserable when every room feels like a sauna It doesn’t help when your equipment and computer feels like on oven too D: My brain isn’t functioning for most of the day that I had to take longer breaks from social media at the time haha

As you know, we don’t celebrate Christmas but do keep hearing what other people do with fancy homecooked dinners and fun activities (:

At best we just go out and eat out outside of the public holiday times so it’s not as crowded – that’s definitely a treat for me since I rarely do eat out haha to the dismay of me slacking off on my fitness as it is D:

I’m getting self conscious of my belly .__. I need to set things up so I cannot get myself distracted from exercise this year! >:0 Soreness and strain need to be prevented better! And adjust my sleeping pattern so I sleep a bit more and wake up at 5:30am this time haha.

So in terms of entertainment with SPOILERS:

• watched Fistful of Dollars for the first time – I can see why it’s a classic but the slow pacing, the shrieking whistling, the crying kid (voice dub), the red blood paint, alright story and overdone deliberate close up shots got annoying to me – glad I watched it though for some of the cool sequences of wits, double crossing that happens, awkward/silly/interesting fights and music!
• saw Doctor Mysterio (Doctor Who Christmas Special) – Superman parody is *heavy* here…are they allowed? And ahh he still misses River Song :’) I facepalmed with amusement with all the superhero references D: It starts out alright and then it doesn’t really go anywhere, predictable way of things and hints a lot of loose ends instead :S
• Little Witch Academia (both movies) + The Enchanted Parade – magical fun experience; none of the characters leapt out to me as all of them were part of the whole magical adventures (:
• Last season of Poirot – nuuuuu mysteries ended; good episodes (:
• Yuri on Ice – First season :’) Blame Lauren as usual
• Played & finished Owlboy and streamed it too! 😀
• Last 2 episodes of Bee & PuppyCat but not the prior 2 – not as satisfying as I would have liked :S I feel something is lacking. 🙁
• saw Rogue One – really good story movie; not perfect but good! (: I agree that compared with Episode 7, Ep 7 felt like a checklist than a story. Yet I enjoyed Ep 7 more since I didn’t get all the references in Rogue haha
• saw Moana – really good entertaining movie as mentioned but as much as there’s wonderful characters and a depiction of the Polynesian culture, it wasn’t really a true story representative of the culture – it was another checklist sort of movie constructed to provide an entertaining, special ride. There’s been mixed reception but overall most people loved it because it was an amazing ride to a beautiful world with a strong message. (:
• saw Your Name – wonderful and brilliant storytelling because everything from the characters to the context felt right; I ramble more at my Youtube channel.
• read Nimona thanks to Lauren again; wonderful storytelling by Noelle Stevenson (:
• And I watched loads of gameplay as usual haha like WHOA The Last Guardian and Maize

About making goals and plans
No specific large goals as usual as I just want to do better and if I am not going anywhere, I try something else! No stress on “failing on my goals” muhahah ;D

I have small goals, or specific things and habits I aim for instead and build up to things towards the kind of person and artist I’d like to be at my own pace. I have a general flexible list of things I want to do that never ends and pick out things. Sometimes they work out and others they don’t stick because I overwhelm myself so I scale back haha (:

And I don’t mean work related deadlines and goals; I do my best to meet those! 😀 I’m more talking about self improvement as a person and artist – those sort of goals.

So in that sense I do have many goals; just putting deadlines on them when you don’t need to – it doesn’t work out for me especially when I want to enjoy the journey to get there. And sometimes that means many aspects of myself don’t change because I don’t want to right now. And life cannot be predicted – it keeps changing! So I enjoy planning loose ahead but focus on the present towards my plans. (:

Wasn’t sure if I wanted to join Melbourne Global Game Jam when I don’t have anyone. But it turns out I do have a team within the last minute so…I’m doing this now? :0 Uh oh!! Woo! Here we go again! I feel like a newbie again!

Oh I think I’ll just be sketching fanart from now on if I do any more fanart – it’s to relax and I’ll do rough sketches rather than finished illustrations where possible. Unless I’m practicing the polished art style itself or making something easier for me to learn (like vector art >.>). I don’t want to spend too much time on IP I don’t own but enough to learn & study the art! (:

Hoping I’ll finally have AC by mid month too YAY
No more passing out with fatigue, sweat and feeling restless & gross with humidity :’)

Hoping to have more special bonding times too ;D
I’m not good at it D: I’m alright with meeting new people and all that – I just wave and/or say hullo haha. Or I’ll just stand there out of the way or do my own thing instead…wrahhh :’)

But to go deeper than that? It’s not often that it’s mutual. Sometimes they’re or I’m not equally interested – that’s okay, just got to respect it. (:

Plus when I’m tired, not interested and if I don’t want to interact, I just shut everything out as the default mechanism to conserve energy, ignore everything and focus on doing what I have to do with work instead – like a mean, rude unapproachable person. 🙁 And then I just zone out and fall asleep on trains haha

And how I irrationally assume people don’t want to talk to me unless they have to – because that’s what I do sometimes – I don’t talk with the assumption that I have little in common with others .___.

And there are times where I start second guessing what people think when they act too nice/weird/aloof to me (which is bad!) I just need to learn to just enjoy the connection and people’s intentions at face value, not worry about how well I know people and move on. And just be my boring quiet self at times and not feel guilty about it. All the learning! :0

Yeah I started getting into a routine for breakfast, exercise and sleep more too starting this week! (:

I’m more flexible with facebook now but also more picky now based on my gut feelings and memory about people. And twitter I’m even more picky at times! :0!

As you know, I don’t have unlimited energy and time and likewise everyone else doesn’t either haha! It makes it more meaningful to me than just collecting as many people I don’t know well as possible – again, people are not collectables :0
Quality over quantity based on mutual understanding, trust and motives I say.

Yes there’s getting a fitness routine slowly for me again and me practicing talking perhaps through streaming something maybe (or actually talk to real people gasp! haha). And my video diaries too! 😀

I definitely have my annoying flaws and laziness with some things in life :<
Just hoping for more progress this coming year and do the best I can to grow into a better person at my own pace. >:’)

But wow, what a year 2016 has been.
I hope it has treated you reasonably well with all its ups and downs. (:

Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you in 2017!

I guess I’ll just keep learning!! 😀
And I’m taking you with me ;D

If you’d have me and stick around that is.

If not, a pleasure to have your company!