Melbourne International Games Week 2016 Edition: GCAP & PAXAus
Leonie’s small blog island says hullo! (:
>> Edit Nov 2018: All the formatting for this blog post is broken since transferring from Blogspot; apologies.
Because spacing it out is better haha
Let’s go! Journal Time.
Who is this Quiet Hermit Ninja? Didn’t bother using this for my PAXAus panels to introduce myself but hullo peeps! I’m terrible at socialising as a hermit ninja :’D
CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:
GCAP DAY TWO: Video & Mentions
WIGLunch & Adventures: Videos & Mentions
PAXAus DAY ONE Video & Mentions
2016 Melbourne International Games Week edition: Photos and
GCAP2016 BurpDoodles PDF
I decidedly went with “junior” because I still have <1 year studio experience as a games artist :0
Update: I didn’t hand out much cards at all (as expected) but all the Charming Keep stickers are gone 😀 Woo!
Update: I got rid of all of them! Barely managed to for the last handful because people forgot to find me D:
I’ve been posting these on twitter and full page scans have been requested by Ty Carey!
Again, pay what you want!
And you can’t afford to, do share this around! (:
I hope my hectic doodles help!
inspirational stuff about being giants and all that :0″What makes a giant?” by @kenwongart
really cool to know Ken’s story and who his “giants” were! Street Fighter! And what Monument Valley was influenced by! Glad I came to this one! I support being a little dwarf in his analogy hahaAussie Game Development: Diversity and Direction with @soundsbysal @Brooke_Maggs @lisyk @cla_rar and @lucyamorris
Woo great to know that it’s a slow work in progress in finding ways to make the game development scene more diverse if we work together. It will be an uphill battle however. Slow battle.Fireside chat: @grumpygamer talks with @steggy_ on PR & marketing
I didn’t get much of the start where introductions were made but it was a great conversation to be at (:
Mental Health is not and Optional Side Quest by @Rx_Pixel
I didn’t know who she was but she seemed pretty cool and I’m grateful that there’s professional support out there for this tough industry (: And I got to meditate/nap haha
Explosive Art: Bringing Particle Systems to Life by @mulletdulla
That’s my art buddy colleague with super amazing particle effects knowledge!! I am still happy he mentioned wanting to play Breath of the Wild. YES.
Game Design Challenge Time to destroy civilization with @JennSandercock @Shrubbette @Gaohmee @moore_adrian @pgmuscat and @lucyamorris
all these amazing people making up cool game ideas and prototypes! I was frantic during this panel, drawing 6 people D:
When Art meets Gameplay – Level and Environment Design in The Eyes of Ara with @BenDroste
It was great to listen with actual context to how environment/level design is full of testing and trial and error and problem solving
Searching for Significance with @EnameledKoi
What is life…anymore? What kind of impact do you want to make? Ooooooo ;D
WIGLunch: Jenni Tosi from @FilmVictoria on the Women in Games Fellowship returning! And @jazzrozz interviews @EnameledKoi
It’s tough but there’s a lot of us who can support each other in a male dominated world. Changing careers and feeling lost as to where we fit in…completely relate! :'( Let’s do our best. Make it all more diverse for everyone. Slowly.
Thanks to Ty (https://twitter.com/ty_carey) for suggesting this idea 😀
(and for Giselle (https://twitter.com/jazzrozz), Innes (https://twitter.com/innesmck) and other people expressing their interest)!So these are my BurpDoodle notes fully properly scanned with digital portraits included too! Yes I drew the speakers even more [haha I spent so much extra time :’) ] but you’d need to download this to see them!
Even though this is my 4th GCAP, I’ve technically started doing Speaker BurpDoodles last year as a personal project to ease myself during intense social situations and self pressure to “network”…so I didn’t expect people to like these! The downside is that I usually don’t really talk to the Speakers or socialise much as the BurpDoodle ninja haha
Just saying that GCAP and MIGW is where you’re supposed to make genuine connections and friendships while people are physically present in the same place so…I’m doing it wrong by making these and video logs. I’m not really putting myself out there in person, as much as I’m pushing my comfort zone.
Honestly? I gave up. I’m done.
I’m lucky that I’m with Mighty (http://mightygamesgroup.com/) now as well but still, I’m not doing what GCAP & MIGW is all about. :’)
Though terribly grateful I had my conference buddy Kalonica (https://twitter.com/Kalonica_) a lot of the time to run back to when I felt lonely ;__; ❤I digress! Do hope these help! Share this if you find it useful!
If you intend to pay me as well? Thank you ;____; ❤
GCAP DAY ONE: Video & Mentions!
Scott Bartlett – Coolest Kind Art Buddy
Ty Carey – awesome kind art gentleman
Liam Esler -Welcoming, Incredible & Inspiring GCAP Powerhouse full of hugs!
Kamina Vincent – thanks for saying hullo with glitter!
Dr Jennifer Hazel from Checkpoint
Jason Imms – first time meeting him here
Pritika Sachdev – thanks for saying hullooo
Tim Best, Scott Beca, Gerald Delaney, Rhiannon Poley & Clara Reeves
https://twitter.com/cla_rarSo day one…
It was already too much intense socialising for someone with the life of a hermit :’) And I didn’t even talk to much people!
GCAP DAY TWO: Video & Mentions!
Tim Dawson – Award winning! 😀
I just didn’t do it good .___.
WIGLunch & Adventures: Video & Mentions!
…not as brain dead but my feet & shoulders are sore & tired.
PAXAus DAY ONE: Video & Mentions!
Bouncy Castle Bouncer
- Kissing Simulator
- Knuckle Sandwich
- Secret Legend
by Scott @cronobreak
nervousness and gratefulness and happy that I got to be part of Nanojam 2.0!! >:D Woo see the next section!
PAXAus Nanojam 2.0 Panel Shenanigans: my 1st ever panel!
— Ben Rolfe 🌳 (@Ecoludologist) November 4, 2016
The internally “ahhh!!! I’m ded!!” kind.
Was relieved I met with & caught up with Jason, Alayna and Maize (see above tweet) and got some food! (Thanks Jason for the lunch!!)My biggest fear was that the technical connections and all that won’t work and that I’ll doodle non-entertaining and bad things with a program (Krita) I don’t really use :S Didn’t get or expect to have a full theatre anyway but it was still quite a lot of people! :0
|Instagram Promo Image|
|Nanojam 2.0 Intro Slide
with all the Twitter handles!
To throw us all the crazy ideas to make something work! I was drawing this when people came into the theatre :0Update: and then I realised people can see me draw this too for a bit D:
Update: so here begins Rami’s Mech jokes for all the game ideas.
Do see the Storify of Nanojam for more context 😀
All the cheese, meat, dance & stealthy music!
And Mechs.Update: So mechs gotta dance at this stealthy disco with cheese.
Teeth are to be collected as they keep falling out! @jasonimms gets exposed as a zombie dentist all along. :OUpdate: and then I saw a zombie display (see the Dead Rising booth in my Day 1 video) haha
Families! Battle it out with…desert? Space Gel? :0
M Y S T E R I O U S D A R K N E S S.Update: It will be a limiting way to conduct investigations when there’s no night lighting D:
Remember those bad dates? Embrace them to win!! #PlzDoNotStealUpdate: this is definitely a favourite and I hope this happens! I did ask them to keep me in the loop if they do! Belongs to the other panelists haha.
I am both mortified and amused…is this what I’ll be known for? Nuuuuuu! D:
Though it’ll probably be forgotten unless MuscleDuck becomes a boss for Dynacorp! If it’s Kickstarter gets through :0I think it’s at this point I figured I don’t care how terrible my drawings come out to be! :’) I warmed up at last??
Making something work is hard.
And mechs was mentioned of course.Update: So dangerous bread jokes about concealed weapons kudos to Alayna.
Here’s the Storify for the Nanojam for context:
Thank you so much for the silly fun times Jason, Kris, Rami & Alayna and Maize & our audience :’)A lot of this is definitely written originally from social media but hey for the record here because social media tends to get lost and forgotten. I want to keep it here within my online home blog too :’)
I was so stressed about the technical setup & if I can even do this at all and then…it flowed well despite me using a setup & software not in my comfort zone at all D:
I don’t think I’m registering what happened.
How did it even trend in Australia?! D: HOW.
I fear I’ll be known for muscular ducks and butts…because that’s what people are saying to me. Nuuuuuu I’m not a butt artist!! :’)
Thank you so much to Kristy for giving me lengthy kind & heart warming reassurance before and after! And watched the nanojam stream too – ahhhhh!! ❤❤
Gosh that infamous muscle duck pffft haha
Apparently it was someone’s group of friends’ inside joke and there was also the original Snow MuscleDuck. Now it’s this panel’s inside joke too. It has developed some infamy as you may observe from the nanojam storify. Oh dear!
And THANK YOUUUU to everyone who listened to me being nervous and encouraging me all the same. It helps me let that nervous energy out and feels good being listened to. ❤
And then the MuscleDuck legend continues and is being developed into another form through Dynacorp as a potential boss! :0 They asked if they can do so and I figured why not! :’)
Here’s my current #muscleduck WIP @leonieyue #pixel_dailies #rock hard abs! #clenchharder! pic.twitter.com/7k5XvgtIRV
— Dynacorp (@dynacorpgame) November 8, 2016
I got to doodle out and add my own jokes haha
If I ever get invited to do this again, I’ll probably say yes! :DOtherwise…I have these memories to look back on I guess hahaMaybe they don’t want me anymore .___.
PAXAus DAY TWO: Video & Mentions!
The Incredible Journey of You and I
Matt – for showing me how to play
Lauren Clinnick – saved me with a bandaid :’)
PAXAus DAY THREE: Video & Mentions!
Georgia Van Cuylenburg
Izzy Gramp – thanks for the photos!!
PAXAus 2nd Panel: Character Concept Creation Panel
This probably the panel I was most nervous and terrified for. Because talking is required! Turns out that I can just talk as little as possible though haha
Yeah I’m doing the fun & chaotic #nanojam on Friday and this exciting panel too D: I need to hide & prepare myself eep!!
Especially get a laptop & setup working for both! :0
PS: No one told me to draw this but hey.
Personal Challenge accepted. I rushed doing this silly illustration just now so I don’t know what this is haha
Update: I made this since I was doing Inktober at the time. It just looks quite silly and not flexible to use for slides so I figured I should do another take below similar to what I did for Nanojam.
Featuring Luke Lancaster, Georgia Van Cuylenburg, Trent Kusters, Davey Wreden, and little meUpdate: There was a preparation meeting on the previous day and we got to joke and talk about how easy the panel would be. All professional and friendly people.
Internally I was thinking: “Nuuuu it’s not easy! I feel like I have to create a masterpiece, wholesome and well designed character in 45 minutes!!” ;___; Why am I even here when everyone else have so much experience than me while I’m just a little Junior artist haha
But I figured…let’s do my best. Practice. And made notes on what to say just in case about my process on Character Design. Turns out I didn’t get to use it and someone accidentally spilt water over the whole page (as well as the laptop but mostly my wacom) D: Luckly my brother’s laptop still works! :’)
|Here’s a head as I practiced drawing in Krita|
Look I did some silly figure drawing the night before as practice :S
And I did some prepared notes (albeit on distorted paper because it got really wet) but I’ll do a video instead for that (:
Sometime in the future I’ll get there and do videos on this topic but for now, I’m trying to get back to my routine and keep learning :0
Character Concept Creation Panel Art: I did a test image
…when people came in! And then this android like lady happened :S
Character Concept Creation Panel Art: Single mother in a Horror Romance RPG Dating Sim called Stacey’s mum ;D Figuring out her body.
Character Concept Creation Panel Art: 3rd person game where she needs to be practical to survive in a world…with zombies now.
I figured…let’s go with silly horror. 😉
Character Concept Creation Panel Art: Don’t know what’s happening. But.
Dating has to happen somehow, right? ;D
Character Concept Creation Panel Doodly Art: Build’em emotional walls when dating zombies!
The search for affection (and maybe her daughter eventually?) continues
Character Concept Creation Panel Art: Is she Aussie or American?
Did she get the romance she wanted? What issues is she hiding?
Character Concept Creation Panel Art: Punerific romantic lines were had and fleshed out with the audience. It’s all okayyy
Character Concept Creation Panel Art: She transforms into a baby at the end!! D:
So here’s cute toddler mum to end the panel
Though maybe you prefer the first one since it’s more spontaneous hahaHere’s the Storify for the Panel:
I think this was after Luke spilt his water on me seeing that green towel there haha. Thanks Izzy for letting me use your cool photos!This is us all during the panel in action. I was doodling away in between software malfunctions while Trent, Davey and Georgia provided their amazing experience about game character development with Luke as the host(:
- Was under a lot of self pressure to make something meaningful this time,
- water got accidentally spilled over me and the laptop/wacom (luckily they’re ok),
- apparently I have been speaking too softly
- and Krita kept not making marks so I had to keep restarting the program. It was internally a train wreck because it’s not working and kept breaking my flow! D:
Ahhh I actually did good even when I felt otherwise? :SAnd as you can see from the Storify, I got my first fanart already!!! :0 HOW??!
I was too busy dooding and listening and then talking when directly asked haha
I might actually have to listen back what happened…I don’t want to watch myself though or I’ll keep nitpicking all the things that went wrong :SBoth Trent and Davey were pretty cool, polite and graciously honest! And Georgia was wonderfully kind, nurturing and encouraged me during the panel!Anyhoo although I don’t know the panelists all that well, it was great to work and chat briefly with all the panelists even if it’s just under 2 hours.
Thanks Luke & Yug for the opportunity! (:
I may probably never get to do panels like this again :’)
I don’t know anymore haha
They might find someone more amazingly entertaining, cool, popular, fun, skilled and experienced than I am.
Or perhaps they won’t do the same sort of panel again haha
Ah so many variables.
I’m just glad I got influenced and ultimately didn’t go to MegaDev because I really felt how much my sore, dying body was screaming for rest and sleep. Honestly, I didn’t need more crowded, noisy, night time smelly places full of alcohol drinking to handle! Zombie Leonie is very much done!
I had an intense day as it was too so I was so happy when I allowed myself to go home right after PAXAus haha!
Woo…collapse and rest and sleep! So good!
For GCAP and MIGW, it was a mix of:
- kind and wonderful people approaching me (why do you want to talk to little me?? WHY? I’m SO BORING! I’m a NOBODY little artist! But ahhh thank you for your brief company, it feels really sweet! ^o^) <3
- occasionally I say hi first – WHOA Leonie.
- and mostly I was invisible and walked about by myself or sometimes with Kalonica haha. (She is so lovely, inspirational and sweet and kind)!
Other times, there were conversations where I am talking 1 to 1 with just a person (so not in a group of people) and they just abruptly up and leave without saying bye :S I daresay…quite rude. But perhaps something urgent happened. :S
Or I get ignored when I’m right there in front of them, wanting to say hi and start a conversation. And you hang around but they keep avoiding eye contact. But I’ve done that too when I’m just too tired to socialise and didn’t want to spend energy anymore. Or just not interested. :<
Better to know from the onset than later!
Ah well. I won’t initiate & talk to you again. :’D
Or they suddenly get whisked off by someone/people they are more closer to, so you just move on and give up. Ah well.
Or people just simply don’t even acknowledge you’re even there .___.
Or they have something they need to do all of sudden! It happens to all of us! 😀
Or people simply come and go because people jump in and out of the group conversation. Ahhhh who do I focus on?? Nuuu I’m getting ignored! I should hide back into the shadows! Save up my draining energy!
Or it feels like I’m ignoring someone when I’m only good at focusing on one person (or two) at a time!
Or the loads of people wanting jobs, to pick brains and get feedback on their work – they’re keen to talk to people with experience, not little me so I get out their way :’) I get it. It’s an extremely tough industry to get into.
You really have to do it anyway and embrace all the bad, good and mundane – otherwise, it might not be for you as a profession for now and that’s completely okay!
All the juggling! Just slowly develop your skills and make sure you have a day job to cover your survival (not easy but how badly do you want to do what you want to do?)
Hey I probably do it unintentionally when I’m spacing out, being a zombie. Having all this social stimulation around me D: I can’t handle people, conversation and everything that well :<
Consequently I do try the best I can to talk or even just wave at people – to acknowledge that they’re there and welcome. I’ve been on both sides so I want to do better! Unless I feel uncomfortable or creeped out or really not fully functional and simply exhausted, I want to do what I can.
We all know what it’s like to be invisible and ignored. Hey it frequently happens to me too because…how u converse with people well? :S
Hey even in this MIGW, I got ignored and dismissed too! :'(
It still feels terrible. *sigh*
So after some sadness…if they’re not interested, I slowly back out of there. It happens when people are too busy, brain dead, aren’t interested and are not in the mood. We’re humans with our own worlds within our heads (:
Again, we’re not entitled to their company, time, friendship, attention or whatever. We’re all busy doing our own thing and sometimes it just doesn’t match up at a given moment in time. Hey even we don’t have time to be friends with anyone that would give us attention haha
And this also means you can just move on and not waste time on people who don’t care and are rude to you. Disrespectful and/or even manipulative people.
They’re not worth your time. We got better things to do. (:
Social rejection and whatnot is always a part of “networking and social events”, as well in the previous GCAP years (hey there’s my previous MIGW posts or even my unpopular(?) opinion on networking here).
I still feel sad whenever different forms of rejection happens but I’m getting better at not dwelling on it too long. :’)
But for my current take on MIGW:
for the first time I can say for the most part…it was pretty good and I didn’t end up wanting to cry for feeling disconnected, lost and lonely. People understandably come and go so fast at these things and then you don’t really see them again. :<
I mean, I still felt sad at some points…when there was a few times I got blatantly ignored. But hey, it happens.
I’ve been ignored, invisible and sad when people keep doing their thing with or without you and the isolating feeling intensifies. 🙁
I figured…why should I care about them anymore. They don’t care about me.
Let’s just learn and do my own thing too. :’)
This year I’ve pushed my comfort zone yet made sure I didn’t stay late into the night and spend energy I don’t actually have. Unlike last year. I was quite upset last year with myself. I pushed myself so much in the previous years and ended up hating myself and burned myself out to the extreme.
So if you plan to do this, do it carefully! Lots of people turn up to the parties too to relax so it’s arguably a good place to meet people. It’s just not for me. I can pop in a bit but I’ve set my boundaries. Though I always miss out on a lot of things and that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to personally make.
Helped that I’m getting “more recognition” whatever that really means!
People wanted to talk to me?? ;___; Why you want to talk to me?
Not used to it (whoooo am I??) but I’m sure I’ll be forgotten again when everyone parts ways.
It happens (happened many times before) and it’s expected (:
Haha disappointment is expected gosh!
So I try not to hope to much D:
I’m cynical now :’)
I digress, I kind of saw a lot of familiar acquaintances who didn’t mind my silly, boring company! Thank you again for talking to me :’D
Overall I still am too hesitant to approach people and it’s my 4th year. :<
Apparently I’m slowly getting better at it, even though I want to be a hermit when I’m feeling drained at times .___. So if you see me spacing out…I’m just tired, trying to recover some time to myself and I don’t drink coffee haha
Not intentionally being rude! Or rejecting you!
Unless you’re creeping me out.
And being too imposing, intense and eager.
And I don’t feel mutual with you.
And I’m not ready or comfortable.
And haven’t warmed up to you yet or well.
Or I really don’t have the time :S
Then I am – just not ready for interaction with you haha
But it also helped that I decided to let go of the self pressure to make friends. I’ve always been a solitary soul so the struggle increases when this time of year comes round!
Plus I don’t want to befriend everyone equally…it’s too shallow for me. We all have limited time to spend and I’m still learning about managing friendships vs acquaintances. Hey, remember I’m a hermit too who loves solitary time.
I have limited social experience. I’m not perfect. :S
Though the idea of being friends with everyone is nice, it’s not realistic.
But let’s do our best and cherish the ones we do have! (: Yeah!!
I had to distract myself when the election happened .__.
On BurpDoodles & LeonieTalks: don’t copy mehhh :’)
So true as mentioned in the videos, I don’t want people to follow what I’m doing because…hey get off my lawn!! ;’)
Don’t copy meh!!
It’s my baby personal projects haha
And if you intended to do something similar for fame, popularity, jobs and recognition…then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.
I’ve been doing these without expecting anything in return. Genuinely. This is fun for me and came with a lot of frustrations, sleep deprivation and not really talking to people along the way :<
I’ve embraced missing out on things.
Seriously, there are more better ways to spend your time…these took so long to do and I’m just the crazy person to wanted to do it D: I intend to keep going in some form haha
AHHH Gosh it took me so long ;_____;
This is my sanctuary thing I do. They are personal projects of mine where I get to escape doing the real socialsing thing .__. It keeps me busy avoiding doing the actual “connecting and making friends with others” as sad as it sounds.
I don’t know what I’ll do if people are doing it too – not that I’m original in the slightest…it’s just that I don’t want to make this a “competitive/comparative” thing. It originally started as a for fun and for myself thing where maybe the people getting drawn will like them. Or not.
I don’t care if people like them at this point or how terrible they turn out to be…it’s a heartwarming sweet bonus if people did though ;___;
Terribly encouraging. <3
I’m doing this “networking” thing wrong haha
You may argue otherwise. Because of the kind feedback I’ve been getting! ;o;
But I really didn’t do the very important “in person” talking to inspiring people part this year. Especially at an industry conference!
These projects aren’t even related to what I do professionally D:
So this is not exactly promoting what I actually do :’)
I did not really approach much new people or “made friendships and connections happen”. And this is really important for someone who’s very much a nobody. An invisible hermit art bear like me.
How else are people going to know you at all? And what you can do?
And this is coming from someone who’s terrible at it especially in person and hate “putting myself out there”. Even I see how important it is.
I did try doing the “making friends thing” as my focus in previous years and I definitely met people briefly, made a few acquaintances and pushed myself a lot. It helped me get some social practice and was worth it in the end.
Pushing the comfort zone.
Still….ultimately I hated myself in the end because I still felt isolated and sad inside, especially as a freelancer back then, trying to build my career in an intense and fierce industry of hardworking people.
It was a lot of: What value can I provide? Can I even walk the talk? What’s my substance? I don’t want to be cool. I just want to help make things.
I made myself hang around at late night noisy, crowded parties as much as I could bear it was arguably worth it because I got to talk a bit with kind people (it was hard though due to the noise and drinking) but I wasn’t really enjoying the overall environment deep inside. .___. Kept wanting to go home.
Yeah I was lonely and unhappy with myself because I felt unworthy on the way back. I’m not having fun like they are. I feel upset and disconnected.
They’re having fun. Making friends. But I’m not.
So Lonely Leonie haha
My running joke.
Perhaps I don’t belong after all .___.
So I kept and still do remind myself:
I’m just there to learn. I have little experience to offer.
Just keep making my own thing. :’)
Edit: and check out this CGSpectrum article on how to survive MIGW for future use :0 A lot of general advice but some other perspectives!
So if you’re also trying to get out there and get into industry,
do push yourself out there because no one else will know who you are otherwise. It’s increasingly saturated with people and skilled graduates looking for jobs! So many courses now too!
Everyone seems to be “SO GOOD” now. The standards increases tenfold nowadays! And sometimes it’s about how good you are in person- how are you great to work with, good with deadlines and problem solve. It’s important (since that’s what you’re getting hired for) but it’s not solely how technically skilled you are.
Do show what you’ve done and the projects you’re working on too; that’s even better 😀 What are you passionate about? :0
Especially in person – online personas are a completely different side of you compared to what you’re like in person. Meeting people and genuinely connecting is a must. And remember that you can’t be friends with everyone.
Don’t feel like you have to befriend everyone or anyone. Especially when you don’t have a clear and specified goal in mind. Like past me did. Too much self pressure. Connecting with one or a few people would be great! Just don’t dismiss and look down on people just because you “believe” that they have nothing to offer you.
Don’t mind my perspective too. Make sure you get as much points of view because who knows what will work for you. I’ve found that you can’t blindly follow what others are doing without you being honest with yourself.
What do you really want to get out of it? The minimum? Even if you do what someone else is doing, it may/may not work because you are two completely people. Different experiences, abilities, social circles, upbringing, situation and so on.
What I do…is a lot of trial and error. Mistakes.
So many things didn’t work out and you feel sad, disappointed and confused but people forget them over time and you learn – so it’s okay.
Doing things because *I* personally believe in it.
Not because everyone else is doing it.
It makes it worthwhile for me. And then everything else are bonuses.
And I also embrace how bad I am at social things 😉
And of course, sometimes you gotta push yourself into uncomfortable and socially risky situations to learn new things and connect with people. (:
I’m far from great at it but social practice & communication is needed!
How are you even going to work with other people if you don’t?
Demonstrating that you have done it before would be best – team projects!
Aye life. Learning.
Taking care of yourself is also important too.
You know when I saw this #Nanojam tweet, I feel lucky & grateful – like I actually belong to the @Mighty_Games family even more now ;__; 💕 https://t.co/q4hS9BvGQh
— Hermit ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Leonie (@leonieyue) November 12, 2016
Ahem moving on…
To be brutally honest, I didn’t like the reality of me giving off the “I’m desperate for work or advice or friendship…or something!!” vibe. I didn’t like having to rely on others to feel worthy. To belong. To feel included.
To feel that I am of value.
Stuff that. I don’t like this feeling.
It makes me hate myself for feeling entitled for anything (no one owes you a job, their time, friendship or their advice or anything)!! They’ve got their own responsibilities and worries of their own – we’re all human.
Indeed you’re trying to make a living.
Note in one of the most tough and competitive industries out there.
So we expect this struggle.
But hey, they have a business to run and keep afloat.
What can you do for them??
Sure we need each other to make amazing and bigger things, definitely.
But to wholly depend on external validation and recognition for self worth?
NO. Not healthy or helpful.
The hamster wheel will never end!
For me, I did and still am doing my own thing.
Even last year (and previous years), when I was a freelancer looking for work. Struggling.
Started doing BurpDoodles last year, albeit with uncertainty. For myself though. Because I was much more unhappy as an isolated butt otherwise.
Then award winning gritfish told me to post them up on twitter.
Hey, thank you again John!
Didn’t expect to be known for Burpdoodles and I was pretty sure this didn’t get me the job haha. You don’t do portraits as a sustainable living in games! Nope!
You’re better off making cool game projects and blow people’s minds! 😀 Seriously that’s what seems to be most effective.
Anyhoo, I did other freelancing work for a while which helped because I needed experience! It was still in line with: “keep doing your own projects and freelance where possible“.
And now, since I’m not trying to look for a job anymore…
here we are now, once again haha
I’m still doing BurpDoodles and LeonieTalks as well! Aye. :’)
“You got a job now! Why so much work into this??”
Because I’m serious.
When I started this, I wasn’t trying to get myself a job with it!
I am doing this for fun and it allows me enjoy the week more & make notes. No one is paying me for all this work (PS: don’t work for free unless you’re 100% fully passionate about it and it’s your personal project with considerable creative control).
Edit (23rd Nov 2016): Sure I was hoping that I’ll get a few eyeballs from friends but I did not expect/demand “exposure” – it’s a fickle thing and usually doesn’t go as you expect. For this year: people I thought would be interested aren’t and people who are beyond my circles are…? I don’t know anymore!! Hey I get ignored too because during MIGW and a couple of weeks after I’m a spammer.
Not everyone likes what you do as much as you respect them D:
I am not paid to “promote” this week at all haha so there’s no money in it for me either. This is just my perspective on things and I do what I want.
No one paid me to do all this work. And I’m not looking to become a portrait or video logger either as my sole profession haha
Know that personal projects are usually different from what clients/companies will hire you for. You can see the difference in my work for Mighty versus the personal BurpDoodles I do.
Making BurpDoodles & LeonieTalks are just my personal projects. Just helps me survive all the intense social interactions. Plus I’m crazy enough to do this at the sacrifice of sleep and social interaction & connection haha
I should be talking to people while everyone is in the same place! D:
Showing off the cool game projects I’m working on and all that haha
So yeah #PlzDoNotSteal ;D
I’m not going to pretend that I’m not selfish. We all are haha
Get off my lawn! *shakes cane*
Make yeh own different, awesome & interesting personal projects haha
Giants: Heroes and Fans, Humility and Arrogance
I don’t know about being a “giant” or anyone being one because who really does feel like one? We’re all just people trying to make things happen.
We definitely do get inspired by each other to be better versions of ourselves though so everyone wins 😀
On the theme of being on the Shoulders of Giants…
I’ve talked about this in previous blog posts before but it’s been a long while.
It’s truly a fine line between admiring and getting inspired by what people do versus putting them upon a pedestal and believing that they can do no wrong. You don’t know them that well! They’re probably making mistakes along the way like you and me. They have people they get inspired by too! (:
You don’t know them. You just know what they do professionally.
How are they in person? You don’t know. D:
Hey I like a lot of artists’ work too, like Lois van Baarle! And many, many others from the masters of the past to the now! But I don’t remember from the top of my head because I don’t want to fixate on just one or two artists or sources too much.
This is why I can’t 100% be a fan of someone or something. Because nothing and no one is perfect. Or original. I back away from that notion that they are.
So when people talk about heroes and being ultimate fans of things and people to the extreme…I get taken aback haha
But I respect it. 😀
It’s always been a mix of keeping tabs on what others are doing versus not getting too influenced by the same thing like everyone else as well. :S
And yes I still don’t understand how people manage social media – I make sure I look over who I follow as a result especially on Twitter so I don’t get overwhelmed. Social media and emails need to be managed from becoming monsters. I can’t keep tabs on everyone…it’s unrealistic for me.
I don’t have “heroes” either because I grew up being discouraged from doing art as a profession in the first place! Pffft you can’t do art as a career! :’)
I’ve talked at length on this in my old HermitBurpcast from 2015 so I won’t go into that haha
But I definitely do have a lot of inspiring people for different aspects of my life and career. Or I wouldn’t even be here. :’)
As for inspirational people – I believe that everyone is interesting in their own right. It’s just up to me to be interested in others and learn from them. I’m just really protective of my time and energy unfortunately when it comes to socialsing haha
It’s something I’m conscious of while making sure I don’t push myself into the negative energy zone into a not functioning kind of zombie haha
And sometimes you just can’t connect with someone because we’re simply not compatible and/or ready to. That’s completely fine too. Perhaps another time! Or not! It’s like with any other person and life in general…not everyone will like you and be your friend. Even if you respect them.
Oh what I was I talking about? haha
Ah Humility and Arrogance.
Being too humble is bad because people don’t know who you are, what you can do, what you did and consequently you become an invisible ghost. Sure you don’t want to be too desperate or beg for attention but know that other people are people too and some of them kindly do want to know what you can do. If they don’t, well that’s too bad for them ;D
Move on (or that’s what I do, after feeling sad and unworthy haha).
Feel it but don’t dwell on resenting what you could have done either.
Understand that you aren’t happy with your current situation (if you are then that’s good!) and doing the same thing won’t change it. You need to take action towards getting known for what you do well.
Being too arrogant leaves everyone with a bad taste because you’re imposing yourself upon others and your honesty comes into question. You seem cool but then you can’t deliver :< Respect others’ boundaries plus you are not entitled to their time, help or advice. Let alone expecting you’re going to get a job from them.
Who do you think you are?
The world does not revolve around you or any of us as much as we keep living within our heads. They think the world revolves around them too haha
Hey I live within my head heaps as you can see from all this rambling. ;D
Sure there’s the saying about “faking it until you make it” but this is more about building confidence in the abilities you do have. Perhaps you’re just hiding the insecurities inside by making yourself appear incredibly impressive but not having the experience or projects to back it up…so don’t shut out the gracious honest feedback you may receive.
Be open to learn and listen.
For both: Have some confidence and believe in yourself. Because you are your own best friend in the end through thick and thin. Believe in your ability to get through this and take comfort in the fact that there are others having the same struggle. Slowly push your comfort zone at your own pace.
Make stuff and forge your own path. Make mistakes and learn.
Figure out what you want out of what you do.
Ask for what you want but don’t expect/demand for it.
This is a lifelong journey of soul searching and trying things.
Strap on for the rollercoaster ride!
Hey get a day job so you’re not destroying yourself if you must!
You need to survive!
Keep creating in the meantime.
Connect with likeminded others facing the same struggle for support even.
It’s really hard when everyone seems to be passionate about the entertainment industry…and you feel quite insignificant. :<
Just know that there’s no “right” way to do this because this industry keeps changing and people keep changing. Knowing how other people got where they are helps sometimes but they’re not you with your upbringing and life experiences! Especially if they’ve started a decade ago D:
Do what works best for you (:
I mean what do I know.
This is just me rambling on what I wished I knew when I was starting out.
I was/am more of a shy introvert (humble? eh) butt and I really didn’t like putting myself out there. It was a very slow process of pushing my comfort zone! I mean even now I call myself a “nobody” as a running joke haha
That’s what I still feel like sometimes. But I’m embracing it because hey, as long as I’m still learning and progressing – I’m all good 😀
Even if I am invisible and talking to myself :’)
I’m more on the stay humble and low key side of things.
The behind the scenes invisible person.
And I like to beat my expectations into almost nothing. .___.
Because I’m trying to not build myself up into disappointment if I could help it.
If being out there, fun and sociable is you, then definitely go for that!! We need more of that around in the industry to bring us infectious positivity and energy 😀
Be who you want to be and play it to your strengths. Stay adaptable.
Gosh this is all too corny and preachy now haha
Hey I don’t know all the people I called out here that well D:
As much as I have called out a lot of people on this post…for most of them I don’t really see or talk to them or know them that well. I just felt that they seem like cool people .___.
So just a disclaimer that I am not a popular person, I just wanted to blog about them for the record? To remember. Yeah :’)
They don’t know me either haha
And I didn’t even include people I said hullo briefly to. So many people!! D:
Actually just a handful haha
I mean now it’s just back to the normal hermit routine where I’m back to arting and learning with not much intense social experiences haha
This all shall all be forgotten.
Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you! Next blog post in January!
GOSH thanks for skimming/reading to the end!!
Not many people read my blog posts (because who reads blog posts anymore?! Short attention spans and time and people go for social media anyway) so again, I deeply appreciate your company :’) <3
If this is your first blog post you’ve read from me – welcome!
And this is normal! I ramble the most when I’m typing so haha
Why are you here??? :’)
Well welcome to my online home (:
It’s very cosy here. A lot of rambly text walls.
Anyhoo, I’m going to skip a month and will cover two months (Nov & Dec) in the next blog post during the start of January instead. Why? Well I’ve been doing so much art for *this* post and Games Week…I don’t think I have much to say for November as a whole that’s not already here in this post.
Plus It’s already near mid-November!!
Tweet at me or something. Just be kind and patient with me because I probably want to take a break after all this work before I get back to you ;__;*falls over and disappears into the darkness*EDIT Dec 21st: GCAP talks are here on this YouTube Channel