Somehow Slytherin // Being both Ambitious and Afraid of Greatness & BurpAvatar Exploration Pt2 [MAR 2016]

So I’ve been further exploring A) while the poll started because I haven’t found something I like yet.
None of the portraits above are “quick and simple tiny icons” at least to me though.
They’ve been personalised illustrations thus far!

The following three are illustration tests and fit in the B) category too:

Lauren Clinnick BurpAvatar Test  Hey here she is again! Another gift for this lovely lady.

Self BurpAvatar Test Figured I still should go with the toony eyes I still like both this and 031. I’ve cut my hair last month though.

BurpAvatar Test I did a McGrump dude! :0 I think this art style is working and getting there. I just need to warm up to it.

So I after a lot of struggle with the art style for a tiny icon, this is the current stage for the A) category…?

Self BurpAvatar Test (038) Since there are people who want something quick, symbolic and small, I took a while to explore and test things out. As of current, I came up with this template where everyone shall be chubby, rosy in the cheeks with gigantic eyeballs. Too much like the Animal Crossing Character actually!

Another BurpAvatar Test Seeing if this art style is working! It’s looking cool so far. It still needs some variety though.

Lauren Clinnick BurpAvatar Test Hullo!! Probably my third portrait gift for now for her. She’s so cute!

It’s obvious that this is *too* consistent so I don’t think I’ll be going this direction…of super close up faces as there’s not much to work with? I need to explore further & make it more personalised and unique.

Still I *might* cut out the A) Category completely if I still don’t enjoy it that much after my umpteenth time of exploring. Because right now it’s getting too samey for me. It’s cute but…there’s no fun it applying the same features to everybody without some reasonable degree of personalisation.

I’ve give it one last round of tests because it seems like I’m in the right direction (ultra cute!) So more testing! And also testing for Category B) is needed! I’ll limit it to two options rather than juggle with too many art styles. Because I had some in mind but I’m cutting those out.

In preparation for mid-May! :0
I can’t experiment forever as I’d like to move on too!

There’s a suspicion of mine that not many would be able to afford an actual illustration from Category B) though but we’d see.

Just know that when I do finally open commissions, I’m just going to open it for 4 days and close it up for the year.

I’ll dub it as the 2016 edition of portraits.

Being both Ambitious and Afraid of Greatness: 
the Importance of Progress

Ramble time! Yes I confess that I am ambitious for greatness.

GREATNESS!! :O!!

Laughing at this silly optimism (and supposedly arrogant Slytherin traits) aside,

I am serious.

Now let me stress that I am definitely amazed, immensely grateful and in disbelief that arting is actually how I make a living as I art at Mighty, freelance & learn things (slowly building my little career)!

I will keep riding with the flow and do the best I can with the learning & uncertainty!

So when I say greatness,

I’m not talking about striving for popularity, admiration, validation, fans, reputation, fame and fortune (haha perhaps ask someone else -not me- who has these things!)

By themselves, approval, popularity, fans, etc are not really a great foundation to build your own self confidence upon as it’s on the whim of the praise and criticism of those around you. Fame and fortune…is too elusive to be a practical goal and the creative industry itself is not the best place for making money if that’s your only drive and reason for working in it.

As much as we all desire approval by people we respect…it boils down to the desire for a connection from them.

It’s difficult because occasionally I fall into this trap of looking at other inspiring and statistically popular people and I feel terrible at the resulting silly comparison and competitiveness I do. Each time I kick myself out of it and refocus on progress.

So what if I feel invisible and frustrated sometimes? We all do. (:

It’s out of your control what people think of you: good, bad or indifferent. These are really just bonuses and by-products of doing cool things. Bonuses I’d be grateful for but not expecting.

I digress!

I’m talking about greatness in terms of being proud at whatever I’m working on.

If I’m not fully proud of whatever I’m working on, I will make it so that I’m proud of learning and doing my best on it! Make it fun!

I guess when I say greatness, I mean what *I* consider as great 😉

Being known as someone who is much more than just an artist trying to make a living.

Someone who is proud of their own progress and projects as a visual artist, communicator and problem solver. Someone who is not completely defined or typecasted by the work they usually produce. Someone who dreams big but starts and builds from small and realistic goals and scope. Someone who is fun and reliable to work with.

Someone who inspires others to act or feel things through what they do…from their actions. Someone who helps people’s lives a bit better indirectly or directly. Someone who appreciates, gives and returns the help they get from the people around them; teamwork & fun collaboration.

Someone who does valuable things for people.

I experience a tiny taste of this when some people genuinely express their happiness to see my art or on rare occasions, ask me about working on their passion project; it is terribly humbling, encouraging and heart warming! (: In reality I would be speechless, deadpan and not know how to react immediately but you know what I mean!

Ultimately I want to keep working towards my definition of greatness (progress!), rather than achieve it as a destination. Rationally I know to me that there is no such thing as “greatness”, being a “master artist” or end point because there’s always more to learn, a never-ending cycle. There is no formula. It doesn’t stop me from doing my best with what I have though!

Greatness to me is about embracing my weaknesses, building upon my strengths, working at things I believe in where able and hence being known as who I am and what I enjoy doing.

Growth happens when there is risk and uncertainty. If you are certain about something then chances are is that you’re not learning or challenging yourself. It gets boring and uninteresting; it’s up to you to change that perspective and/or situation around.

Put yourself up to the challenge of facing and embracing the glorious good, bad and mundane. What you are willing to tolerate to work towards your version of greatness?

Note that I say *your* version.
Not society’s version.

Your definition of greatness will evolve as will mine.
Because we’re growing! And that’s a wonderful thing! (:

In terms of the fear of the by-products of greatness/progress: I refuse to feel complacent or buckle down from too much pressure as a result of perceived popularity. Though whether I’m “popular” or not, I have to consciously step out of my comfort zone and get better at social situations anyhoo.

Of course as with any professional creative, I’d like to be reasonably known enough by the relevant and like-minded people to be able to do art for a living. It’s undoubtedly wonderfully encouraging to see them in person especially.

Admittedly I’m very much inclined to stay as the socially low-key artist who supports others’ and their own projects. Plus between the spectrum of “never feeling good enough” versus “feeling 100% blindsided to any room for improvement“, staying in the middle keeps me on my toes (:

I’m pretty much alright communicating for the the purposes of work and collaboration; I’m still building social practice. By default, I’ll still be the Awkward quiet artist in the corner but eventually I hope I will keep getting better at it on the social front.

I’d rather not be a boring listening bystander all the time 😉

To conclude…let’s just say I refuse to have a big head.
I guess I’m just going to be grateful as I take this train ride of a career and strive for my version of “greatness” or rather progress. (:

Rambling aside,

Respect your dreams, passion and your own definition of greatness you! 

Be who you want to be and what feels natural to you.  

The past month: soreness!

Social Media, Newsletter & Feed Shenanigans
Ah the blunt rambling incoming.

As you know, I do engage with people I’ve warmed up to and care about though I don’t really keep tabs on many individual people on Facebook. It’s to keep things manageable I’m more focused on groups and stuff of interest as a lurker.

In the past several months: I’ve been unsubscribing to loads of newsletters and cleaning up who I follow since there’s only a small group of people and things I actually keep track of, know them well, interact with frequently and get inspired by. Arguably I could cut down a lot more if I was strict about this but I’ll keep doing it along the way to make room for things I do want to know more about, feel warm/comfortable/inspired about, people I genuinely want to keep tabs on and are important to me. And there are people where I followed out of guilt/peer pressure haha.

Hey people unfriended/unfollowed me too!
And time is valuable for everybody!
So I’m grateful that a handful of people are still keen to keep tabs on little me; thank youuu! (:

Repetitive I may be, I just mention it every now and then because I still feel partially bad. 

As in the social media indirect pressure to grow your “reach”.

And not letting the notion of “achieving popularity” and likes/follows/subscriptions/favourites as a value and validation metric get to you. Hey, I’m not popular, I must add! I refuse this idea! I’m just the Awkward Burp blogging into the internet void really. I definitely deny the notion of having fans. I dub people who keep tabs on me as kind encouraging supporters though. Because their support makes me feel less alone :0

One needs reminding that only a tiny percentage actually engages with what you do – so I strive not to forget that those who engage are the important people and I’m terribly grateful for their interaction!

Furthermore, with social media, everyone publicly *seems* happy, funny, smart and showing off their friends/holidays/quotes/food/travels/parties. Essentially the jaded, unhappy soul would classify it all as “look how happy, smart, mad, funny, successful, cool, important, beautiful I am!”

Hey people can post things; ultimately it’s not our business. They have the confidence to post publicly…as we do. So super kudos to them for posting their adventures! It’s up to me whether I care enough and want to spare the time to listen, encourage with a like or even engage. Most don’t. Speaking as a lurker myself.

It all goes down to everyone calling for attention and connection using the internet void (frankly, I fall under this one when I post art and when I’m in Hermit Mode). The desire to connect and interact with another person.

I guess my point is, surround yourself with cool people who engage with genuine positivity and inspiration? People you care about.

Lastly I here I am reminding myself that by cutting down things, I’m just making social media more managable and welcoming for me. This is as opposed to being overwhelming and trying to appease and friend everyone. I learn again and again that it is not realistic for me.

So I guess this is a long winded reminder to you as well to reconsider your follow/friend/newsletter lists. (:

Soreness, Exercises, TMJ and Broken toe?

I’m mentioning these because hey, this is repetitive strain and health management ramble for me.

My ring fingers keep feeling sore and on the outer part of the arm…suspecting the tennis elbow strain creeping up on me :< So I’m doing some dedicated strengthening exercises and I’ll let you know next month or so how I go (:

I’m finally walking the talk and getting myself into the exercise routine first thing in the morning. It feels sooo good when you’re taking care of your body (no matter how tedious exercise may be; I made it alright for me to do it consistently).

And then I ruined “making exercise happen” for me.
I stubbed/broke my little toe during one of my morning exercises. 😐
I’m depending on a crutch and I stopped exercising. Waiting until it heals. I had so much pain on the first day, I both laughed at my agony, screamed till I cried when I got help to put on Hong Kong-ese ointment. Gosh D: Loads of hobbling thus far and not being able to exercise or walk about much.

And then I suspect I have TMJ disorder (temporomandibular joint pain/clicking) a bit possibly from stress and bad posture and I was trying out some stretches. Still I need to sort out an appointment to check that out if this continues; self management is slowly working though! Gosh this is what happens when you have bad habits! >.<

Since the last week of the month was the Easter Holidays, I was pretty much in recovery mode and working on getting my jaw, toe/foot and arms to heal for the next couple of months :0

Message: take care of yourself and keep refining what works for you!
Actually listen to your body and watch out how you’re mistreating it.
Take a day off every week or something.

Ouch.

I’m pretty much mostly sitting on my bottom waiting for my broken toe and jaw to heal. Feeling miserable sometimes when I get tired from hobbling. Aughhh and the arthritis creeping up is scaring me D:

Nuuu!!
Fumble fooble faudle for April?
Aside from getting my pains in order, doing my best at Mighty, figuring out socialising (uh someday) and sorting out BurpAvatars in preparation for May, I’m going focus on learning.

If a cool and well planned project comes to my attention,
I’ll go for it later in the year after BurpAvatars is under way (:

Once again lately, I’m reminding myself that accepting loneliness and isolation without fear is alright. I’ve rambled about the negative consequences of being a Hermit here and another relevant post about “being alone” here. Plus it’s so hard to invest and develop those hard earned and few friendships. So again, cherish and appreciate the people already around you!

In terms of my social practice, well I’ll do what I can with my comfort zone eventually when I am able to walk about more.

Side tracked ramble: I’m not a fan of giving with the intention of getting favours and benefits in return. Unless it was made clear from the onset that it is a mutual transaction of favours, this is not generosity as it involves expecting/demanding/manipulating someone else to do what you want yet disguising it as goodwill.

Still I’m all for the warm fuzzy feelings of seeing someone happy with gratitude when you give them something though! That’s enough reward for me! Sometimes I don’t even have that; I don’t hang around to see it because at times I don’t know how to react without feeling embarrassed to their reaction. :0 Sometimes I just want them to have what I give as a surprise and I ninja myself out of there haha

Lastly there’s other life things in April to figure out in which I won’t bore you about here. And finding out my specialist appointment I’ve been waiting 2 months for is postponed. Nuuu!

Just a mixture of things and I’ll just have to stay positive about it. Yeah… 🙁

Wait. Actually.

I’ll focus and find confidence in what I do, what I aim to be, believe in my decisions, relax & take care of myself and keep learning.
Now that’s more reassuring to me. (:

Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!

You made it to the end of March’s update!!

Whoa.
You are definitely one of the rare ones!

Anyhow; Take care!!
At least don’t injure yourself like I did.

Stay strong and make April awesome!

See you next month!  (: