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Monday, September 17, 2018

SuperListenMode: Embracing the Forever Alone meme


SuperListenMode: Embracing the Forever Alone Meme
When you don't fit in, even with people.
When you don't want to do what the majority is doing - you get sidelined.
Probably it's because I'm a cold, reserved, low energy, scared, boring jerk :')

That and I don't think I need to speak up, people forget I'm around and consequently I am a ghost. As much as I know I shouldn't feel this way, be so harsh on myself and make myself as small as possible. Hey it's my fault. 

Yes pushing one's comfort zone and going with the flow to bond with others is very important! I am super grateful for any invitations to social things too!

It means kind people remember I exist! <3


Sometimes I feel bad that the usual social things themselves aren't for me. I'm not interested in many things enough to get myself out of my art cave. Lazy too. And above all, I want to hang out with one person at a time when in groups or have one or two people I can return back to if I wander around and try more things. Have people to go hang out with when there's no one else to talk to .___. 

I don't want to be tied down and yet I don't want to be too much of a clingy sheep either so I end up wandering around alone and then I'm all by myself when social things end and people split off into their next spontaneous thing. And I feel like late night, dimly lit, crowded, noisy parties makes it even worse for me.

Stuff it, I'm going to own it, I'm lazy that I'm not bothered to get involved or care too much. I am definitely someone with a cat-like personality ;P


That and I'm blocked from facebook right now with software - it's irreversible for the time period I've set it :'D I'm feeling less terrible upon declining events that are inconvenient and not for me. I don't live near the city like most people. Consequently not much people invite me anymore. That's fine.

I'm learning to own my decisions about these things.
Let go of that guilt. Getting better at it in recent years.
If I want to do it, do it.
If I don't feel like I have the energy or desire to go, don't.


So when I know I'd be exhausted afterwards from doing social things, I get picky and careful with how much energy I can spare at the time. I consider:
  • Can I come and leave conveniently? 
  • Is it planned or impromptu? 
  • Can I afford it? 
  • Do I want to hang around with said people? Do I feel comfortable enough to have fun or talk with them? 
  • How likely am I going to end up being the quiet tag along? [probably will so how much I don't mind about that right now?] 
  • Do I know most of the people? So I can walk about and don't have to stick to and burden the one person I know there?
  • Will I have quiet places to catch up with one or two at a time? Can people hear me or do I have to constantly shout? 
  • How crowded is it? 
  • Will I bring people down because my lack of energy? 
  • Will I have things to do when no one wants to talk with me? As in, I can't draw if the place is dimly lit :< 
  • Are there places to withdraw to, with no one there? Can I power nap? 
  • Is it a heavily focused drinking venue? Are there other options?
  • Is it purely a socialising event? Can I do other things in between listening to people in groups? :< 
  • And the activity itself has to be interesting and fun to me too.


Obviously it's difficult and impossible to satisfy all of these conditions, concerns and questions. I'm not seriously demanding these things. They're just things I think about and consider. 

Social things don't revolve around me ;P

Essentially it comes down to do I *want* to do it regardless of the tension, energy and emotional drain. This makes friendships hard, especially when I focus on solitary hobbies and not used to group ones.

Sometimes I give up too and am not bothered to go out of my way to push my comfort zone and emotionally prepare myself for a given thing. Too much effort and energy. Lazy and I'm not naturally inclined to do super social things. It drains me I tell youuu! ;P 


I was sleep deprived a little at the time but even two meals and a movie in the city got me exhausted with a sleepy headache. Gosh I'm weak and easily fatigued!!


How important are the people in question to me, for me to put my guard down and do it anyway? 

Do I want to do it because it is right and good for me and the people I hang out with? 
How important is it for me to support someone, even if I don't feel like going? 
Sometimes peer pressure works while other times it backfires into being too much pressure. :S


Inpromptu things do happen when I want to but it usually doesn't work out if I'm super focused on work/routine/something, if I'm lazy/exhausted and I feel ill prepared with my energy reserves. Low on spoons as they say. Excuses are a habit too. I need to have social things planned ahead so I can prepare myself emotionally and logistically haha


Based on these habits, I don't give enough. 

I'm not entertaining or interesting to talk to. I don't make much people feel they matter and that I'm genuinely interested in them....then again, I am not often interested when I'm just selfishly conserving energy and getting by with my personal battles [as does everyone else]. I don't have that social energy or charismatic aura. Sometimes I make an effort to be more talkative, energetic and when I'm interested in something while other times I just don't want to spend too much energy, am exhausted and I end up with my deadpan face.

I'm not in a good, worry free, 100% positive place. Who really is? We're all dealing with things. So I'm being aware of my choices, doing what I can to not get too resentful and negative; focusing on learning and doing my best instead. Aye being a hoomin. (:

I also assume I'm not talked about and am invisible...because I'm not really out there, am super reserved, vent and tackle with problems when I can on my own out of habit and don't really join into group conversations. So when on rare occasions I hear indirectly that I am being talked about, I get spooked or get curious. What are people saying about me? I don't really know how people see me outside of my mind.

Should I care about it anyway?

Nah :0 I'll just care about the small handful of people I know, trust and respect ;P

I usually hear about how they hang out together that I wasn't even aware about. It further cements that I don't belong or get along with them with the things they enjoy doing I guess. That's fair.

Admittedly sometimes during my lowest, insecure and loneliest points it makes me feel resentful with myself as I distance myself further and expect abandonment and rejection even more. :( I know these are just waves of sad feelings/chemicals in my brain to be managed and eventually they pass. Self awareness helps somewhat. Don't worry; I'm sure I'm not alone with these feelings...it just means I need to interact with people more. 


Silly Leonie, it'll be fine!!

I don't want to be a passive observer of other people's social and public lives if I can help it. Social media is full of it. Usually I'm cool being a lurker but I don't want it to be all the time. It makes me super aware and sensitive about how different I am from others and even more isolated and unhappy about my life. Self comparison based on the public image of others at the detriment of your own mental health is not cool. 


That's why I'm keeping away from facebook, my twitter & instagram feed to a minimum, as much as that connects peeps on personal to great community levels. Most of the connections there are paper thin and will tear apart if I just didn't use social media anymore.

I want to live my life and worry less about comparing it to others' highlights, personal stories and dramas. Be inspired by others and interact with others based on curiosity and genuine interest! Stop the unhelpful self comparisons! No checking and lurking on social media too much because of demanding and addictive notifications!

All I know are things I need to improve on at the moment.
And that I'm doing okay and it's not as bad as I tend to imagine.
Gosh in saying all this...I'm not just a ghost, I am a super asocial alien!


Regardless I know it's important or I won't grow ;P 

Hence my rambling here as I'm clarifying and reminding myself. I'm working out my emotional/mental health rather than pretending I'm fine.

I'm getting better at throwing "fear of missing out" and "not enough to fit in" out the window. Just keep doing my best and not overthink! 

Say yes to things that work for me. Learn what doesn't work for me. I'll come to a point when I feel confident enough to say yes and no to more things. 

Accept it with grace if people aren't inviting you to things anymore. It's definitely okay if you're the only one interested in something. It's okay if people don't care, read or look at your art or work anymore.

Stop wishing I didn't care and didn't have feelings.
Instead I do want to get better at managing, acknowledging and listening to my emotions and personal needs better.

No need to blame myself so much...as I get that and resentment a lot at home. :')
Stop thinking I have to belong somewhere.

Stop thinking in absolutes like a silly bean ;P
I'll figure it out as I go along.


In conclusion it's "Forever Alone" because I don't really make much friends! 

Meaningful friendships and relationships are hard work, requiring lots of experience, practice, time, growing pains and a commitment in itself too. I'm also scared to escalate connections too fast while other times I lose interest. Generally people don't have many close and trusted friends and may not have room for too much more, myself included. 

Yes, human connection is super important to me [teamwork, respect, communication and trust mutually together to do greater things!]. That said it's a tricky, personal balance - I don't like the idea of people depending too much on each other for happiness. It makes me feel powerless, pressured, trapped, uncomfortable and helpless rather than own my life decisions and feelings. On the other hand being too isolated tends to spiral down into a lonely void of depression, self destructive behaviour, hopelessness when you're not growing together with other like-minded, trusted, mutual friends.

Art and career has always been the top priority for me. Then making sure I have energy for family, close friends and errands. Then being lazy, sleep, eat, relax, read, movies and my solitary recovery time. 

I love solitary time and tend to do it too much. So I don't know how people have time for dating, love and social life. How?? Guess they're cool like that. 

I realise there's no rules to friends and love anyway...everyone seems to have their own set of evolving values, habits and boundaries too like me so I'll just go with how things naturally pan out, embrace my awkwardness with social interaction and speak my mind if appropriate. I'm open to having a lovely partner in life in the future though I'm too busy learning and doing my own shenanigans at the moment! Enjoying the freedom of being single ;D

Hey I default to solitary shenanigans and talking/bonding with just a few people for the day. Like my brother, maybe a few people at work or catch up with a friend over lunch if I'm lucky ;P 

Self preserving my energy like the sad soul I am.
And then feeling abandoned sometimes.
Or not taken seriously because I'm just an ignorant homebody. :(


Still, I do have hope in my few friends and in life. <3


And perhaps there's someone awesome and right for me in love one day but nowadays I'm worrying less and less about it. I want to live *my* life to the fullest first and I'm working on it! In the meantime I'll keep enjoying romantic shenanigans in my movies, books, comics, games and entertainment! ;P 

Enjoy life, Leonie. Own it!


Anyhoo, all this is scary and difficult to actually practice but that's what living
 is all about. I'm just rambling and clarifying things for myself.

Facing fears, being cool with how things are, believing in and caring for yourself and self love and respect, is a lifelong practice.
And I'm not too great at it. I hope I will get better!

I feel like I need to figure out what my strengths and heart is, take care of myself, make sure I don't emotionally and physically burn out and believe that I'll keep learning. It's hard for me since I go all intense into art for instance and it consumes my life and time until intervention happens or until I finish or change it :<

...I'll keep learning and working at it at my turtle pace :')


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