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Wednesday, June 27, 2018

SuperListenMode: Old and still a sad silly grump kid



SuperListenMode: Still a sad silly grump kid

Oh no. My birthday today.
I'm not in my twenties anymore :(

Partially why I'm feeling this rut. 
And existential. Silly & dramatic. 



I'm going to be old, lonely, unlovable and nothing in art and life forever!! 
And knowing how your brain is still childish and silly but your physical body, family/people/friends/acquaintances and society/community/economy keep aging/changing with or without you. Probably without, in my case.
It's a scary, isolating and dark feeling at times.

Nuuuuuu! Exaggeration of my personal fears aside, making sure I'm not too much of a selfish little ball of sadness is another thing for me to be wary of. :<


There's also that constant lack of self worth and emotional maturity due to not feeling like an independent adult...I judge myself harshly already. I have been hanging onto my current way of life for too long than most people.
I won't go into it but...I'm such a nesting lonely homebody ;___;

Gosh I need to keep fighting these voices of self doubt...
Roll with the existentialism! 
I often tell myself to accept it, keep learning and stop dwelling and day dreaming on what I lack :') Stop pushing myself too hard to be like others socially...I've been retreating away from people as I look inwardly. Protecting my need for solitude to find the drive within myself again. 

And sometimes break out of that when I'm ready. Because the mind tends to go to dark places the more isolated you get. I notice people unfriending me and I shouldn't dwell on that kind of thing! I've been feeling negative feelings at times and I'm speaking as a homebody at heart! Though I already feel I don't have anything important to say. I'm an alien. ;P


I used to be somebody who is super private in person and online but since blogging I'm growing more open about myself. I started to fear that maybe I'm too open about myself and thought I should stop it with the long monthly personal reflections. Get some privacy back. Especially when it's online. But now realising that I don't have multiple outlets to turn to like most normal people...and it's hard not talking about personal stuff when it's part of the journey ;P It turns out I still need an outlet that allows me to ramble like this whether people cared for me or not. 

I stress that it's the norm for being private about your own lives. It definitely gives a protective barrier and people would only see the public side you're portraying. Same goes for me, I'm not showing you everything about me either...I've toned it down a bit. Perhaps I have a small irrational fear that people don't want to associate with me because I ramble so much about what I'm struggling with. Regardless, it's important to know where to draw the line for you personally in order to cut out anything unhelpful and negative in your life.

I guess I'm drawn to people who are real with me in turn in the end. If I sense too many guards and walls are up, so will mine. I definitely have my emotional walls up most of the time myself though, so it's a tricky dance! Just lucky I feel comfortable enough to pull these walls down to ramble in my blog and my art posts. :')



Gotta trust that things will be okay whether the worst case does come true. Maybe I will have a special partner one day or have many more friends I can ramble with or get somewhere unexpectedly great and exciting with art and life :0 

I'm getting slowly better with time in accepting that I'm probably going to be single forever. I have been shaking off the "fairytale" conditioning that one of the fulfilling goals in life is to spend it with somebody special. Hey most classmates I know are married with kids now...that seems to be the norm. But kids are not in my plans. I need to stop day dreaming that things would change when I'm not willing to change right now. At this rate, I'm not really meeting much new people or go to social things to even chance a date with anybody, let alone new friendships. 

Romance has been out of the picture all my life as much as I like it or not. It's still something scary new to me and people around my age usually will have experienced relationships at least once or plenty times more and just don't want to deal with someone like me who has no clue. Just don't want to stress about what I can't have. And let go of the notion that there's apparently "someone there for me" when in reality that's something you need to work for, make mistakes, experience and invest into. 
Undoubtedly and admittedly saddens me sometimes all the same.
Acceptance is taking as much time as it needs.

I'm just saying it as I see it. Trying to keep positive with what I do have.

I'll be a kickbutt remarkable artist!! Who's still a kid inside! You'll see~!! :')

Who knows .____.
Been gloomy in the past year.

It's true that no one cares about your worries...everyone else has their own daily stresses already. Some seem more laid back or intense than others but you'd never know what they're dealing with internally. 


We can all be rude, insensitive, disrespectful jerks sometimes. 
People are selfish. Reasonable or not.
We don't know how to deal with things in a given moment, it happens.

We're all doing what we can. We have feelings. 
And things and struggles we're dealing with.
I strive to believe the best intentions in most people (:
Most people have no time or desire to connect with you on a mutual level and it can't be helped. Just not the right fit and/or wrong timing.

I just keep away and keep my distance if the feeling's not mutual and spend time on people who do want to hang around you. ;P Even then, we don't really have much time to bother.

Sometimes I mourn, feel the learning pains and blame myself for human connections that wasn't mutual in the first place. Sometimes I just lose respect and strive to care less. Other times I'm not feeling the same so I distance myself too when I don't know how to deal with it. 

I could be wanting to reach out to another person or I could be wanting the opposite when I distance myself. I'm silly cautious and reserved like that. I'm probably taking things too seriously :<

I wish I could switch my silly feelings off sometimes because logically it's not helpful! Other times I just try to keep myself busy with "anti social" things [like art, reading and games] or hang out with the very kind few friends I have. The special small moments count.




And hah. Birthdays. 

Yes, I know age is just a number ;)
I'm already an old naive lonely grump at heart anyway. 
That kid in the library all day studying by herself...that's me.

Who really cares about birthdays. I actually shut it off from facebook for the first time this year so only kind people who still keep tabs on my posts know (:

Why do I talk about it then? Well I'm grateful. Celebrating gratitude!

Grateful I'm alive and well in this world. A sense of hope and humility to make the most of what I have and stay kind and loving in what I do. Grateful I have some kind people and a few supportive friends around me. Grateful I'm able to keep doing art and creative work as I go along. 

Things aren't perfect and stress free but that's how it is! 
Making mistakes too and learning. Being frustrated in the journey too ;P

I appreciate and cherish how I get to meet & keep 1 to 1 catching up with peeps every now and then! Or just randomly on social media! Thank you!! ^o^ <3 



I'm much poorer too since I voluntarily cut off 40% of my university course fees debt recently thanks to my savings but I want to get rid of it completely in the next 3 years. I've got 60% of the debt to go. It's 6 years of courses/debt. I need to save up money hard!! ;___; 

I've only started to pay it back now since my last course ended in 2013 because I think I've saved just enough and I don't want the interest to keep making my debt go higher every year! I've always been too poor to pay it back automatically through work aside from my brief year of teaching. So nothing's changed on the financial side; I'm just using up my own personal savings. 

My savings aren't that great as a result but I feel somewhat lighter now from the burden! I'll keep being frugal as per usual.

I'm talking about this here because I don't want people to think I'm living this "idealised life" when it's not. And perhaps you have an idea of my dysfunctional family that stresses me out...and sometimes my frustration, agony and sadness seeps out. And I'm not proud of it...so I hope I'm not talking too much about it! 

Hey, we're all dealing with what we have. 
I'm just like anybody else with her own circumstances and struggles too. 

Anyhoo, I'll try to not skip breakfast too much out of laziness :')




Generally I'm not exactly where I want to be in life or in art but hey that's the journey! I'm not "happy". But content with what I have and I'm fired up to get better! Other times accept things as they are for now. What gives me hope is that I know I'll figure it out when the time comes.

Striving to not be too hard on myself. Taking care to not burn out. 
At least make sure I get recovery time when I am :')
I have much learning and growing up to do always! 


Being at peace with what you have, with gratitude.

Friendship/people-wise I need to open myself up more within reasonable limits of my social energy [I fare best at planned 1 to 1 social things and not crowded ones as you know]. I'm still figuring out my personal boundaries. Perhaps that's why I'm all over the place with how active I am on social media. 
And whether I do a given social thing. 
Taking some things less personally and letting go. 
Embracing the awkwardness in other situations. 
The usual. It's a tricky dance. 

I'm not good at it. 

Sometimes I need pushing to do things too because I'm such a hermit. It's not a habit for me to go out. I'm figuring it out. It'll be ongoing! Focusing on being around good and understanding people who don't make me feel like trash, uncomfortable or like they're pressuring me at least. 

I already feel like the alien when it comes to social things already...I don't need more negative feelings! 


I'm actually offline for this birthday week with an actual non-industry, personal holiday! I haven't done a proper holiday before! Gosh! 
But it's sad, boring and nothing special. The creative rut continues. ;P I don't need to tell you everything about my personal mundane life haha

Next time hopefully I'll travel somewhere! YES!
[Please send tips about Japan!] Excited!! Saving money and being frugal in the meantime for it and for voluntarily cutting down my growing university courses debt. Yep.

And super keen for Smash Bros too...as a casual ;)


Consequently due to this break I won't be able to respond until next week or so.
But in the meantime, thank you so much for being so supportive and reading my sad silly personal comics! ;___; <3 

As always, let's keep doing our best!
Enjoy the rest of your week! ^o^