Friday, June 29, 2018

BurpDoodle: Quick portraits of Red

BurpDoodle: Quick portraits of Red

Played with different doodling iPad programs and their simulated mediums to keep myself distracted during some bad, gloomy days :'(

There's so much good ones to doodle with...leaning towards ones with minimalistic UI so you can just get straight to drawing. There's some where it's confusing and it's really a matter of sticking to one or even two and getting good at that software. Haven't really played with apps focused on painting...one day I will when I'm ready.

Yes, that's all the self portraits for now.
At least I had fun scribbling ;)

I also have a running Facebook page [my art presence on facebook will probably come to a slow end and I'll ghost even more] because Facebook doesn't allow third party apps to schedule posts to personal profiles from late July onwards. 
And facebook pages aren't great for art, especially for reach :(

Still very much bummed about it.

Most online friends and acquaintances aren't bothered with facebook pages.
Including me. So to me this is the same as saying goodbye to most of them.

Hey, I don't want to be on facebook too much as it is - that's why scheduling posts is important to me. I'll still use my personal facebook for any rare personal posts, avoid messenger [please email me instead] and use my small friends list to remember people I've met but that's really it. 
But it won't be the same. 
I will miss the sweet interactions we had. :'(

I'll be more active on this blog and then twitter/instagram.

So if you're reading this now, thank youuuu <3

PS: I just learned that my Pinterest hasn't had any posts yet it's had 12.1k views every month. Six to seven more times than this blog. WHAT.

Reality hurts, doesn't it.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

SuperListenMode: Old and still a sad silly grump kid

SuperListenMode: Still a sad silly grump kid

Oh no. My birthday today.
I'm not in my twenties anymore :(

Partially why I'm feeling this rut. 
And existential. Silly & dramatic. 

I'm going to be old, lonely, unlovable and nothing in art and life forever!! 
And knowing how your brain is still childish and silly but your physical body, family/people/friends/acquaintances and society/community/economy keep aging/changing with or without you. Probably without, in my case.
It's a scary, isolating and dark feeling at times.

Nuuuuuu! Exaggeration of my personal fears aside, making sure I'm not too much of a selfish little ball of sadness is another thing for me to be wary of. :<

There's also that constant lack of self worth and emotional maturity due to not feeling like an independent adult...I judge myself harshly already. I have been hanging onto my current way of life for too long than most people.
I won't go into it but...I'm such a nesting lonely homebody ;___;

Gosh I need to keep fighting these voices of self doubt...
Roll with the existentialism! 
I often tell myself to accept it, keep learning and stop dwelling and day dreaming on what I lack :') Stop pushing myself too hard to be like others socially...I've been retreating away from people as I look inwardly. Protecting my need for solitude to find the drive within myself again. 

And sometimes break out of that when I'm ready. Because the mind tends to go to dark places the more isolated you get. I notice people unfriending me and I shouldn't dwell on that kind of thing! I've been feeling negative feelings at times and I'm speaking as a homebody at heart! Though I already feel I don't have anything important to say. I'm an alien. ;P

I used to be somebody who is super private in person and online but since blogging I'm growing more open about myself. I started to fear that maybe I'm too open about myself and thought I should stop it with the long monthly personal reflections. Get some privacy back. Especially when it's online. But now realising that I don't have multiple outlets to turn to like most normal people...and it's hard not talking about personal stuff when it's part of the journey ;P It turns out I still need an outlet that allows me to ramble like this whether people cared for me or not. 

I stress that it's the norm for being private about your own lives. It definitely gives a protective barrier and people would only see the public side you're portraying. Same goes for me, I'm not showing you everything about me either...I've toned it down a bit. Perhaps I have a small irrational fear that people don't want to associate with me because I ramble so much about what I'm struggling with. Regardless, it's important to know where to draw the line for you personally in order to cut out anything unhelpful and negative in your life.

I guess I'm drawn to people who are real with me in turn in the end. If I sense too many guards and walls are up, so will mine. I definitely have my emotional walls up most of the time myself though, so it's a tricky dance! Just lucky I feel comfortable enough to pull these walls down to ramble in my blog and my art posts. :')

Gotta trust that things will be okay whether the worst case does come true. Maybe I will have a special partner one day or have many more friends I can ramble with or get somewhere unexpectedly great and exciting with art and life :0 

I'm getting slowly better with time in accepting that I'm probably going to be single forever. I have been shaking off the "fairytale" conditioning that one of the fulfilling goals in life is to spend it with somebody special. Hey most classmates I know are married with kids now...that seems to be the norm. But kids are not in my plans. I need to stop day dreaming that things would change when I'm not willing to change right now. At this rate, I'm not really meeting much new people or go to social things to even chance a date with anybody, let alone new friendships. 

Romance has been out of the picture all my life as much as I like it or not. It's still something scary new to me and people around my age usually will have experienced relationships at least once or plenty times more and just don't want to deal with someone like me who has no clue. Just don't want to stress about what I can't have. And let go of the notion that there's apparently "someone there for me" when in reality that's something you need to work for, make mistakes, experience and invest into. 
Undoubtedly and admittedly saddens me sometimes all the same.
Acceptance is taking as much time as it needs.

I'm just saying it as I see it. Trying to keep positive with what I do have.

I'll be a kickbutt remarkable artist!! Who's still a kid inside! You'll see~!! :')

Who knows .____.
Been gloomy in the past year.

It's true that no one cares about your worries...everyone else has their own daily stresses already. Some seem more laid back or intense than others but you'd never know what they're dealing with internally. 

We can all be rude, insensitive, disrespectful jerks sometimes. 
People are selfish. Reasonable or not.
We don't know how to deal with things in a given moment, it happens.

We're all doing what we can. We have feelings. 
And things and struggles we're dealing with.
I strive to believe the best intentions in most people (:
Most people have no time or desire to connect with you on a mutual level and it can't be helped. Just not the right fit and/or wrong timing.

I just keep away and keep my distance if the feeling's not mutual and spend time on people who do want to hang around you. ;P Even then, we don't really have much time to bother.

Sometimes I mourn, feel the learning pains and blame myself for human connections that wasn't mutual in the first place. Sometimes I just lose respect and strive to care less. Other times I'm not feeling the same so I distance myself too when I don't know how to deal with it. 

I could be wanting to reach out to another person or I could be wanting the opposite when I distance myself. I'm silly cautious and reserved like that. I'm probably taking things too seriously :<

I wish I could switch my silly feelings off sometimes because logically it's not helpful! Other times I just try to keep myself busy with "anti social" things [like art, reading and games] or hang out with the very kind few friends I have. The special small moments count.

And hah. Birthdays. 

Yes, I know age is just a number ;)
I'm already an old naive lonely grump at heart anyway. 
That kid in the library all day studying by herself...that's me.

Who really cares about birthdays. I actually shut it off from facebook for the first time this year so only kind people who still keep tabs on my posts know (:

Why do I talk about it then? Well I'm grateful. Celebrating gratitude!

Grateful I'm alive and well in this world. A sense of hope and humility to make the most of what I have and stay kind and loving in what I do. Grateful I have some kind people and a few supportive friends around me. Grateful I'm able to keep doing art and creative work as I go along. 

Things aren't perfect and stress free but that's how it is! 
Making mistakes too and learning. Being frustrated in the journey too ;P

I appreciate and cherish how I get to meet & keep 1 to 1 catching up with peeps every now and then! Or just randomly on social media! Thank you!! ^o^ <3 

I'm much poorer too since I voluntarily cut off 40% of my university course fees debt recently thanks to my savings but I want to get rid of it completely in the next 3 years. I've got 60% of the debt to go. It's 6 years of courses/debt. I need to save up money hard!! ;___; 

I've only started to pay it back now since my last course ended in 2013 because I think I've saved just enough and I don't want the interest to keep making my debt go higher every year! I've always been too poor to pay it back automatically through work aside from my brief year of teaching. So nothing's changed on the financial side; I'm just using up my own personal savings. 

My savings aren't that great as a result but I feel somewhat lighter now from the burden! I'll keep being frugal as per usual.

I'm talking about this here because I don't want people to think I'm living this "idealised life" when it's not. And perhaps you have an idea of my dysfunctional family that stresses me out...and sometimes my frustration, agony and sadness seeps out. And I'm not proud of it...so I hope I'm not talking too much about it! 

Hey, we're all dealing with what we have. 
I'm just like anybody else with her own circumstances and struggles too. 

Anyhoo, I'll try to not skip breakfast too much out of laziness :')

Generally I'm not exactly where I want to be in life or in art but hey that's the journey! I'm not "happy". But content with what I have and I'm fired up to get better! Other times accept things as they are for now. What gives me hope is that I know I'll figure it out when the time comes.

Striving to not be too hard on myself. Taking care to not burn out. 
At least make sure I get recovery time when I am :')
I have much learning and growing up to do always! 

Being at peace with what you have, with gratitude.

Friendship/people-wise I need to open myself up more within reasonable limits of my social energy [I fare best at planned 1 to 1 social things and not crowded ones as you know]. I'm still figuring out my personal boundaries. Perhaps that's why I'm all over the place with how active I am on social media. 
And whether I do a given social thing. 
Taking some things less personally and letting go. 
Embracing the awkwardness in other situations. 
The usual. It's a tricky dance. 

I'm not good at it. 

Sometimes I need pushing to do things too because I'm such a hermit. It's not a habit for me to go out. I'm figuring it out. It'll be ongoing! Focusing on being around good and understanding people who don't make me feel like trash, uncomfortable or like they're pressuring me at least. 

I already feel like the alien when it comes to social things already...I don't need more negative feelings! 

I'm actually offline for this birthday week with an actual non-industry, personal holiday! I haven't done a proper holiday before! Gosh! 
But it's sad, boring and nothing special. The creative rut continues. ;P I don't need to tell you everything about my personal mundane life haha

Next time hopefully I'll travel somewhere! YES!
[Please send tips about Japan!] Excited!! Saving money and being frugal in the meantime for it and for voluntarily cutting down my growing university courses debt. Yep.

And super keen for Smash Bros too...as a casual ;)

Consequently due to this break I won't be able to respond until next week or so.
But in the meantime, thank you so much for being so supportive and reading my sad silly personal comics! ;___; <3 

As always, let's keep doing our best!
Enjoy the rest of your week! ^o^

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

BurpDoodle: HyenaBuns!

BurpDoodle: HyenaBuns! 

Here's my new little character HyenaBuns!
I designed them ages ago [yes before Aggretsuko released and knowing that lovely Haida existed ;P ]. 

I'm hiding this second doodle here but I've done some cute animal designs since late last year...majority didn't work out. Oh the struggles of design...and my own inner critic. But there's some I really liked and didn't want to let go. So I've re-purposed them and am finally showing bits of them here and there (:

Been a struggle as creature/animal design was one of the things I was attempting as I figure out my rut and for work. I did learn a bit more about animal anatomy. But it's another lifelong learning journey if I wanted to dive deep and commit into that. I know I drew a lot of cats and other creatures. I was having fun learning about it and drawing cute things but it has also been hard. 

What do I do with this knowledge in my personal work?! 
It's not for me to fully commit to as "my thing" in the long term. It started becoming something that I felt was expected from me rather than what I wanted to do. It was time to move on. I'll get back to it when I feel like it or when I need to do it ;P

Not saying I'll never draw animals again of course but life is too short! I'm keen to get back to learning about animal and creature design after I get my other learning priorities out of the way. SO MUCH TO LEARN!! Newbie, I am indeed.
I'll do it once I learn the things I want to learn first! ^o^ 

Also learning it whenever I need to apply it every now and again.

Hey, they're super fun and cute to draw when I do it my way ;D

Monday, June 25, 2018

SuperListenMode: Large Social Meetings/Shenanigans

SuperListenMode: Large Social Meetings/Shenanigans

Sometimes I feel sad, 
or I just listen 
or sometimes I find someone to talk 1 to 1 to. 

Learning to get out of my self conscious mind each time!
And I'm pretty protective of my introverted amounts of energy.

When I don't have something planned to say, 
I'm just trying to keep it together and focus on listening really :')

Thank you for bearing with my quiet, boring presence. <3

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Quick BurpDoodle: Chain Chomp Mario Tennis Aces

Quick BurpDoodle: Chain Chomp Mario Tennis Aces
Essentially full of intense mind games and me making noises at the screen.

Like fighting Ganondorf...the tennis-esque boss fight!

Played the most as glorious WAHHHLUIGI in the fun demo ;D 
Rosalina and Chain Chomp are tricky to play as though.

It's out tomorrow! 
Keen to play the full game, with friends & single player mode! Hoy! :D

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

SuperListenMode: Am I in the Games Scene??

SuperListenMode: Am I in the Games Scene??

I don't *feel* like I am a Game Developer plus there's so many hats to this industry! But I'm at peace now. I'm no longer feeling insecure when it comes to "being in the know" with the evolving games industry, community, networking and what's already out there. It's full of cool, inspiring people.

Trust that I'll find out organically through kind people anyway.
Uh...you'd tell me right? If you feel it's relevant to me? ;) <3

Still I probably miss out on hundreds of opportunities regardless. Who knows.
It happens. There's always people better at art, socialising, personality-wise, business and so on than me. As well as people less lucky than I am.

So hey, I am grateful I am alive and well with the privilege to be quietly around smarter, kind people <3 

I might not feel like I belong anywhere but at least I'm me!
Gosh I'm cheesy again.

Anyhoo, I connect with being an artist helper for games more :')
I feel better considering myself as a newbie forever.
I've always got room for improvement.

Consequently this tunnel vision makes me I forget what I'm good at though.
Oh Leonie.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

BurpDoodle: Hullo BearCat!

#BurpDoodle: Hullo BearCat! "Wah?" Old idea for a profile picture but now I'm feeling meh :')

Monday, June 18, 2018

SuperListenMode: Getting Emotionally Ready for Social Situations

SuperListenMode: Getting Emotionally Ready for Social Situations

I have that deadpan tired quiet "I don't care anymore" face when I'm over the limits of my energy. Then I look forward to and embrace that wonderful recovery solitary time haha

Usually I argue that it's not worth going if it's just an hour - I need to stay longer to make the most of the whole thing and transport time or not go at all. On the other hand, I do need some morsels of social time or I risk feeling disconnected, excluded and not valuable to people in general. Bonding with loneliness as a friend for too long isn't great. I've been there countless times.

Definitely a balance of making sure I get naps, breaks, social time, the fact that I can leave and say no if I'm not feeling up to it and trust that kind people will understand. :')

Saturday, June 16, 2018

BurpStickers 2018: CatBlobs and more Collection! Reflecting on the journey

Leonie's small blog island says hullo! (:

It's been a while hey?

    Just some of the Sticker Designs I made for this project! 
    Well the ones I have left to give out anyway...the rest are below ;)

    Oh if you're keen on purchasing these BurpStickers & supporting my work, head over to my RedBubble!
    Though it's not much and I don't expect sales honestly.

    The Social Media Shenanigans [if you missed it]
    LiaSae & AussieBen cats
    MrChad's Aslan the cat
    kindofstrange's Harley the cat
    VerbVirus' Pnin the cat
    TinManNeil's cat
    Gaohmee & Emre's Tank the cat
    Kath's cats & BWHolland's cat
    Polycount, ohyoufox, Pepper cats
    Lucy's cat, Ryan's dog, Ben Bunny
    Scott's, Mel's and Liam's cats
    Scottish fold & Hamster
    Switch Cat, Mighty Games Cat, Hipster Whale Cat [tributes]
    Colours of the Rainbow Cats
    Pride Panda Cat & Love Cat
    Gift Cats for Liam, Kalonica, Kristy and Lauren
    BearCat Me?
    VectorBurpQuest through cats: the Refection!

    Wednesday, June 13, 2018

    SuperListenMode: Floating in Sadness

    SuperListenMode: Floating in Sadness

    Acknowledgement. Being understanding to oneself. There is no shame in being unhappy, lost, trapped, lonely, disappointed, confused, stuck and/or frustrated. 

    Focusing on the root of the problem rather than seeking escapism and distractions for too long. Then comes the process of healing in whichever healthy methods and support that help you...however long it needs with resilience, gratitude, support and love. 

    Of course it's easier said than done and there are no magical answers - you choose, act and forge your own meaning based on what drives you in your core. Hey personally I hope to manage all this, stay focused and become more at peace with the process of being who I am, with feelings.

    Staying kind and true to yourself as you learn and grow. <3

    Just rambling to myself :')

    Monday, June 11, 2018

    SuperListenMode: Improv Class Episode 5b

    SuperListenMode: Improv Class Episode 5b

    Going off on terrible stereotypes and misconceptions on neuroscience & medication - my apologies for those & my attempt at character improv! It does highlight to me how ignorant I am and how there's so much for me to learn. 

    And then my most embarrassing second role where I couldn't talk in that fake voice any longer and choked talked into a spit fountain in front of the class...

    The teacher reassured me and wiped the floor but gosh I was half stuck standing there and half in shame as the exercise ended there. 
    We pretended that nothing happened. :')

    Acting in voices is really hard. Improv is really hard when it gets deep into becoming people/things you're not, you have no prior knowledge on and you say the most ignorant, silly things which may end up being funny or weird. 

    Yes, it shouldn't matter. Improv is meant to be non judgemental if you're genuinely just being open minded and just doing the best with what you have. But I feel like I'm expressing more silly unhelpful things into the world :')

    I don't know if it's adrenaline, stress or my survival instincts helping me get through these lessons haha    

    Wednesday, June 6, 2018

    SuperListenMode: Improv Class Episode 5a

    SuperListenMode: Improv Class Episode 5a

    I was terrible at acting but it felt real in my imagination ;)

    Had NO idea what an arrogant barista is like when I know that they're just any other person :0 Had to actively stop being self conscious while other people were embracing it. Then there was making up accusations and responding to them...pretending things I'm not! D: 

    A lot of stopping myself from judging myself & overthinking as usual in this imaginary silly playground of Improv.

    Oh...someone knew I used to be a sad teacher and gave someone else that role to perform. I knew you were put on the spot [I understand] but I know what you did! Hurts as it felt too real. Seeing how someone else would pretend to be an "awkward teacher". It's probably how my own students back then saw me...incompetent and incoherent :')

    Monday, June 4, 2018

    SuperListenMode: Improv Class Episode 4b

    SuperListenMode: Improv Class Episode 4b

    Taking care not to talk over my scene partner and making sure I take some improv responsibility too! Pretending I know something I don't and blabbing about it is the complete OPPOSITE of me! 

    Apparently I have a sealed and preserved 1930's tram track that caused the crash of 1976 ;P We have a problem hoho

    Both of us are learning to not overthink and just do it and we managed okay - teamwork!! :')

    I was brave enough to ask lots of questions for other people's scenes on possum mating, teleportation, snails and tornadoes. Feeling less inhibited now...warming up to the class generally as a whole a little bit more in that I'll just do my own thing. At least for this lesson. 

    And then there was a time where we all pretended to be fearful chickens.
    And another when I talked about how yoghurt is awesome.
    But that's something else ;)

    Friday, June 1, 2018

    Quick BurpDoodle: O____O at PokemonQuest

    BurpDoodle: O____O #PokemonQuest
    I don't know, I was told it seems like old Pokemon Rumble? Ah well if you enjoy it, have fun! I'm just someone who used to love Pokemon as a kid, I don't play them anymore :')
    Since I do a lot of voxel art for work, I just see where they're being sneaky with the art style ;P