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Friday, September 1, 2017

AUG2017: "Character Design! I want to learn ALL the things!!" // NZGDC & GCAP prep, QuestyQuest, CharmingRunes & ol' CharmingKeep

Leonie's small blog island says hullo! (:

More Leonie rambles about learning and arting ;)


Aside from a couple of friends, I don't think any other friend/people I know reads these haha
Anyhoo, despite how the world is focused on short, concise, eye catching content - a small handful of you are actually here!! Thank you so much!! <3

No seriously. I'm a sad lonely soul at times so I'm grateful for your virtual company. ;)

    Let's go crazy! Journal Time.

    The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl Fanart!!
    Wonderful character design & character ^o^
    Thanks Lauren for lending me the first volume!! <3
    I am hatching because I'm not bothered or have the time for painting and colouring so far this year; I just want to draw and get the rough tonals...starting to like what I end up with ;) 

    Also trying to make sure I know how to draw people!
    The Verdict is still on the fence...I don't know how to draw good in my own nitpicky eyes D: How to draw anymore??? .___.

    CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:


    Year 4, Month 8 (August)

      Leonie Yue's Sketchbook 


       SuperListenMode: Friendships Part 146
      That was easy to answer ;D

      SuperListenMode: Quiet Poetry
      Feelings and risking it D:

       SuperListenMode: Oblivious until hours/days/weeks later

      It's definitely a sign of some interest but
      flirting isn’t meant to be taken seriously by itself anyway :0

      Well, as long as it's not creepy or disrespectful!
      In the end it’s just better to believe it wasn’t flirting so that I don’t worry & just feel flattered about it :’) 
      Beautiful, special and deep connection [for friendships and relationships] take lots of quality time & learning about each other to blossom anyway <3


      Whoops. Thanks for the warm fuzzy, fun brief moment though! ;D



       SuperListenMode: Juggling all this

      PS: I wrote all the below *before* my current social media hiatus but most still applies ;)

      Actually considering neglecting facebook while still scheduling art & checking on comments on a *monthly*/every two week basis again :< 
      And check twitter weekly if not on workdays as the default?
      Or alternate: one Friday night for FB and the next Friday night for twitter? All the possibilities!
      Turns out I'm enjoying this hiatus from social media too much!! :') 
      Freedom to do art, learn & do in person things!! 

      I think the more older I get, the more picky I get with twitter and facebook friends.

      As long as I’ve met you in person before *and* I feel comfortable with you [hopefully even enough to see my friends only personal fb posts], facebook is the best starting place to be “loosely” friends/acquaintances! While twitter is best for what I'm interested in + genuine/silly interaction (:

      Twitter is now more for people I interact with a lot and/or want to keep tabs on...and some people I’m still following out of guilt/obligation/kind people with dead accounts(?). So YES I am juggling around who I keep in my ~150 twitter peeps majig! (: I do not follow back just because you’re awesome and kind and you followed me - I need to be genuinely interested in what you tweet about...so don’t demand me to follow back :< 
      I’m sticking around the arbitrary 150 people mark to keep my feed manageable for me! Otherwise, twitter becomes a place of dread and too much noise :0 
      As for Facebook...well I only check notifications now? :0
      Considering doing it on a monthly basis now haha

      In light of this post, do note I do clean up my friends list at random! Especially for twitter when no interaction is happening! If we’re mutually following each other but we don’t even interact on twitter...I might have to unfollow & *maybe* facebook is better for us! Or not :0! 
      Facebook...not really much of a friends limit since I check there even less [once a month? week?] and I don’t even have many ;) 

      There’s more people I don’t know much anymore too :0
      Yes I think a lot about these things; it's more about making sure I spend sufficient time on friends and things I care about than get sucked into an endless void of social media noise and lose my sense of self.


       SuperListenMode: Conversations WOO
      Um whoops

      I’m not eager/bothered to jump into conversations unless I *really* don’t care if you disagree with me, I actually have something to say and/or I'm *really* interested in what's being said. 

      And that’s a “how well I know you” dependent thing. :S

      This is mostly when I know said people but I'm not great at joining in & interrupting :S I give up on group conversations I guess :'D

       SuperListenMode: Infection via Train
      Ahen you feel frustrated and angry but the damage is done.

      Y U DO DIS :(

      Go home and rest up your poor body! 
      Or if you must go out and about, warn everyone around you that you’re sick & to keep away :0
      Now I use a facemask & hat to protect myself on public transport because people cough and sneeze on others accidentally and at random anyway :< I don't care if I look silly :0
      .
      PS: I’m not sick but many people around me seem to be!

      I made this comic ages ago when I last got sick!

       SuperListenMode: Too lazy to be silly even
      It’s a mixture of relaxed, tense to be among people and just too focused on what work needs to be done :S

      I like to keep "work mode" versus "social/silly mode" separate :0

       SuperListenMode: Freelancing Quoting
      No one said it was easy; you just gotta believe your gut!! No one said it was easy; you just gotta believe your gut!! 

      Very much a tricky balance with multiple factors and personal circumstance with finances, time, ability, scope, deadlines, revisions, reach, usage etc. 

      As I figure out freelancing, admittedly I tend to undercharge [timewise] because I take lots of time to experiment, I want to do it until I’m happy with it to the best of my ability and I’d deliver much more value towards a happy client!


      And usually when you’re building your freelancing track record, you’re more about working towards proving yourself to be a professional and gaining experience with your own projects or client projects while trying your best to not undercharge below your survival needs. Otherwise it’s a difficult struggle to be a freelance creative for a living if everyone is charging so low! Consequently what we do won’t be valued and sustainable as a career. 


      You’re driving yourself into a dead end…say no to projects that don’t compensate and value your time fairly. Don’t readily say yes to any job! Talk to other creatives online/offline about their thoughts on pricing! Pay people fairly for their work!!

      This is why many professionals encourage personal projects. Don’t work for free or do art tests for free or work for terribly low paying projects for others when you’re struggling to survive already. Unless you are actually getting an internship & trained in house, you are actually not gaining experience when you are giving out your ideas, skills and work for free/low pay. Don’t be a doormat just because you’re desperate for clients; as a freelancer you are essentially a business! Know what is the line you draw…what is the lowest you’re willing to say “yes” to a project. Be very protective of your “yes”.

      Personally I realise I should probably charge at an hourly or day rate instead of a per project basis so that it’s fairer upon me. Since I do have full time work, I’ll have to spend my spare time to work on even more other people’s projects. It’s at the point where it’s not worth my time doing commissions I’m not interested in and/or are low paying. And undercharging isn’t great overall for everyone trying to make a living! In the past though I have done things that’s small and low budget because I have a greater desire in helping and making something cool/meaningful happen and said clients aren’t really profiting from it either. It’s a case by case basis! And sometimes I’ve got my own personal projects and plans going on too in my own spare time…I have turned down projects before if I’m not available and I can’t give my 100%! 

      It’s really up to you and your commissioner how you’d like things to work essentially! Teamwork towards the project is top priority! (: For me, it’s still very hard and tricky to quote because I’m still learning all this when new art challenges arise! 



      Anyhoo, currently I’m busy with conference talk prep! That said, I rarely have people commissioning me for things nowadays. I don’t have people chasing me down for commissions - I’m not good enough nor popular and I’m outdated I guess :’)

      SuperListenMode: How to Encourage Someone
      The quiet Leonie way ;D

      Yeaaaaaa

       SuperListenMode: Social Media Part 3
      Competition helps you grow but only if it’s healthy!


      Self Care Sessions are important and to reframe your attitude to it all :0

      PS: I hope to catch up with social media...somehow. Eep. What is happening & how are people reacting to my silly posts? :0

      I’m sure I don’t have much people looking at what I do :S Trying to care less about what people think of me but I usually end up thinking too much, being pre-emptive by acknowledging the worst but hope for something positive :’)

      Considering doing social media on Fridays as the default...unless there’s a conference going on ;)

      I mean in 1 to 1 person bonding is where it’s at <3 


      Social media does not compare as in person bonding is so rare and I appreciate those the most! ^o^

       SuperListenMode: Things Happen
      And everyone is struggling with it.
      I usually keep doing my own thing until I can’t anymore :’)

       SuperListenMode: Pimples & Stress
      Waaaaaaah stop picking at them Leonie :’)

      VectorBurpQuest: “Sir Cat knows you’re up to no good!”

      Gotta practice vector art & bring one of my old character designs back ^o^
      Desktop wallpaper for the fun of it: https://goo.gl/6m18VN
      Will delete it within a year; I doubt people downloaded it haha

      BurpDoodle: Terrible underdeveloped idea
      Boring date or game for a Magical Girl Transformation Battle? You decide!
      Because I give up on this for now :’)

      I didn't show this on social media this because...I'm embarrassed at the terrible doodle and it was a rushed thing I'm not proud of.

      BurpDoodle: Watched the online stream of the Kirby 25th Anniversary Concert last night

      I had no idea what they were saying, there was some Kirby games promotion in there, there was a lot of in between talking with the devs & composers, the medleys could be better [felt unsatisfying, brief, short and not enough tempo like in-game music but hey, it’s a full amazing orchestra!] and the selection of music was essentially the popular Kirby picks. 
      Lastly this moment happened when the huge plush Kirby [person in costume] was squealing for his anniversary/birthday cake [voice acted by the actress herself]. Lots of hugs and silly acting going on!
      How this huge plush Kirby struggled to wave, move, turn around, nod, dance and move like Kirby was hilarious and just found myself feeling...”yeah, you did your best. Good job, person in costume!!”  

      I got pressured to do this because the stream won't be available forever around the end of August. :0

      BurpDoodle: Makiko Ohmoto singing at the #Kirby25thAnniversary Concert
      [Voice Actress for Kirby]
      She's so enthusiastic, silly, cute & great! ^o^

      BurpDoodle: Stabby Dog 4 lyfe!

      A proper recent doodle for work buddy Scott Beca :D



      The original ;D 
      But it looks terrible like this :0
      She stares into your soul!!

      BurpDoodle: Sneaky Sleepy Leonie Bear Avatar Update ^o^ <3
      I am awake...really!! O___O;
      #socialMediaHiatusContinues



      SuperListenMode: Wow, Traveling featuring Ken Wong!! :D

      Not saying traveling alone is bad, in fact there's a lot of freedom, meeting new people, fun eye opening experiences and responsibility! I've done it when I went to Adelaide by myself! But sharing the experience together with peeps is when memories get made <3

      If I catch the travel bug, I want to go to Nintendo Land when that finally happens ;) I don't know where else in the world I'd want to go...it'll be more of a "research it, then let's go on an adventure and find out more about it!!!" than a bucket list kind of thing. I know that once I get traveling...I need to not get carried away because I'll probably want to do lots the more I find out about new things to do while trying to not exhaust myself haha

      Right now I have all I want/need here in Melbourne as I strive to grow to be better as an artist and person. ^o^

      There's also juggling between traveling to learn about the place and traveling to just relax and take a break[?] when I get to New Zealand :0

      PS: I made this comic in July [before knowing I had to *TALK* at a conference] & I had this comic scheduled in October. But now #NZGDC is coming and I actually had a catch up lunch with Ken - so here's the comic! 
      And here's a peek at my new SuperListenMode icon ;D

      Thanks so much generous friend Ken Wong for his kind company & treating me for lunch!! ^o^
      - from a selfish, sleepy & lazy bear/cat Leonie

      Why bear? 
      I get sleepy tired and I strive to protect my recovery/hibernate times
      Why cat? 
      I'm selfish, keep to myself, secretly self conscious and I do my own thing at my own pace ;) Even my own brother agrees haha
      And probably alien too since I don't really think or view the world the same as most people which results in being a bear/cat haha!






      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Character Design Training: self studies & reading - preparation for my first conference talks!


      The old version: but I felt I was overusing the logo :0
      The final version is below :D


      BurpDoodle: My NZGDC17 Character Design talk miraculously got into GCAP17 too!

      Um...WHOA?! Thanks for the honour GCAP team! 

      I’m going to die!! *flails arms* Jumping into public speaking FIRE!!

      I’m a fraud and I was expecting to get rejected since I know how competitive it is...uh oh!! :’) These are my first and last talks I guess haha
      Thank you so much for the super kind opportunity!! 
      I’m super scared now haha

      This means I’ll be doing two conference talks - I mean even one talk was something I never intended or planned to do so...panic & training mode intensifies!! Aaaah!!

      Made my logo for the talk though ;)

      I’ll be doing Part 1 of my talk at NZGDC 2017:
      https://nzgdc17.sched.com/event/BlNX/lets-get-serious-the-wonderful-world-of-character-design

      And Part 2 of my talk at GCAP 2017:
      http://gcap.com.au/

      Why Part 1 & 2? Because both will be online eventually, I don’t want to repeat the same material too much and I’d rather explore things on a deeper level in part 2 mwahahah ;) The description might not match exactly but I’m figuring out the content for each - there is definitely overlap!

      Yes I’m pushing myself way out of my comfort zone!! Just trying to not think about it and worry about it when it happens! I’m treating this as if I’ll never do talks again because I don’t know what else I would talk about, let alone who would listen to little me :0

      I am curious about getting mentored about public speaking but in the meantime my social media hiatus will be ongoing aside from sneaky exceptions ;P 

      I really need to keep focused! So much I want to do!!
      More busybusybusy D:

      PS: YES I say fish, I don't swear :P


      BurpDoodle: My NZGDC17 Character Design talk Intro Slide! ❤

      Featuring Characters from MaidWithLove, QuestyQuestShootySkies CrossyRoadAside from Shooty Cat & Sparkles from Shooty, everything else was character designed by little me together with peeps on the given project! :0
      Just using this as a promo image too for NZGDC17 which is coming scarily close...aaah!! Don’t come haha




      OKAY enough recap! Back to the present!
      ALWAYS. Always love learning. <3
      In a deliberate and tunnel vision way.
      I can't juggle too much haha

      Anyhoo!

      Quiet Training mode these months!! 

      And probably this will continue but not as much intensity...because I am *enjoying* this learning ^o^

      I'll be doing my first conference talk at NZGDC in the coming week after this post is published so EEP!! And there's GCAP as well!! Aaah!! I've put regular BurpDoodles to the side and everything. I'm giving it my best!! >.<;


      Hopefully the talks won't be a disaster though as it'll be recorded on the internet forever too....nooooooooo :')

      I'm a fraud. *waves my arms about*


      A lot of "ahhhhh I want to do all these things but it's not practical right now!!"
      There's SO MANY things I want read and learn but there's not enough time to do everything in time for the conference. I've got a lot of things I want to read but I'll need to put deadlines on myself to get myself going. 
      It is definitely a life long journey. (:

      I hope to do my best, push the momentum and keep at the training after the conference too! Well after I recover from intense social stuff over there :0
      Regardless, I'm going to document my progress here as usual. ;)

      I have been loosely planning what I should do and cutting down my scope each time! So...I have 200 pages of digital notes, down to 100, then down to 60, then down to 30...and cut to 24 pages by now...trying to cull things! 

      Eventually I hope to get back onto practicing Vector Art again for work and ignore that voice that says I'm not good or experienced enough to do "actual in game vector art that works effectively in a game engine". :') Eventually I want to do try more new things and concept my own games...as ideas at least! :0

      But one thing at a time!
      I have a loose plan...to do things at my own pace ;)

      My spare time at home is taken up with conference prep so far since I want to do my best!! >.<;


      Gosh my bro was saying "you're getting known in the industry!! I'm proud of you!! You're doing all this work to get known right?" 


      And me squirming replied: "aww but no...I'm doing this so I can learn more about this topic! I won't get known for this. It's just two talks."

      You get famous from doing talks right??? NAH not really. Peh. Who cares.
      Well who cares what I'm going to say??
      Well...what do I know.

      All along, I intended to just attend other people's talks and never considered actually giving one. Yet my gut feeling is just "yes, let's do it" anyway when NZGDA approached and invited me to come over. Take the chance!!

      Perhaps this is me trying to prove that I'm not an incompetent teacher after all...without actually being an educator. Perhaps I'm trying to get over my aversion to teaching a large group as a whole due to my past experiences as a terrible high school Maths teacher, where most of your own students hate your guts and feeling ashamed about my choices back then...

      Now I'm just trying not to fail too badly haha

      Hey...I'm learning at least - talking, traveling, character design, pretending I know what I do, all that comfort zone breaking stuff! :D

      That's genuinely my main reason for doing this.

      I want to grow my self confidence by jumping into public speaking fire :'D
          




      Mighty Game Shenanigans: QuestyQuest, Stabby Dog & Charming Keep
      Well, here's some old Mighty art I'm finally able to show. Or remembered to.
      The ones I sort of like that is!! A lot of them didn't get used...I think I'm allowed to show those too as they're out of date by now ;) 



      QuestyQuest Release Marketing Poster & Art


      I made this to get the hype going internally for the release for QuestyQuest! Cats right? ;)


      QuestyQuest Poster Illustration: version 1 of 4
      The versions not shown were too terrible to me :( 
      This was Scott's favourite due to the mood :0!
      Actually this was the first poster version I did but I wasn't happy with it, the clutter and composition annoyed me and so I made more versions!

      QuestyQuest Poster Illustration: version 4
      I pushed for this final one [and because deadlines exist too!] 
      Still terribly cluttered, but I feel more confident [not 100% happy though haha] at this point than my previous attempts! Scott was kind & terribly encouraging in his feedback which was most reassuring to hear. 
      Gotta keep working at it and kill your darlings as they say! :0


      QuestyQuest Concept Art: Hats & Weapons
      Some of them got made & polished up by Scott into the release version of the game! Yay! :D

      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Oh noes
      So much tapping; and I'm terrible at this game or rather I don't have the reflexes/patience to play it haha


      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Yo I'mma Dragon

      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Did you know I'mma Dragon

      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Oi the Dragon is talking to you
      Obviously this can't be used ;)

      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: So there's this game over here...

      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Hey stahp tapping me

      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: So I hear you like bats? Quite, quite.
      I did the original concept for Vampire dude while Scott stylised it to suit the game as you see the design here!! :D



      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Time for some sweet statues! 
      I did the original concept for the Medusa too while Scott stylised it further! :D


      QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: With our powers combined, we are Questing for Loot!

       QuestyQuest Social Media Illustrations: Vampire feeling hungry







      2nd art iteration of the QuestyQuest Prototype 

      I worked with Scott Beca with this previous iteration of QuestyQuest known as StabbyMedievalEurope; featuring Stabby Dog & Flour Sack 
      Stabby Dog's so happy when Stabby Dog stabs ;) 

      StabbyMedievalEurope; featuring WheatBarrel & BalloonWabbit
      I made these names up since these didn't get used at all ;)

      StabbyMedievalEurope; featuring Stabby Dog!!
      A makeshift placeholder logo I did :0






      Old Charming Runes Social Media Illustrations
      Because I made too many; we only needed one :')
      Ah well. Mr Tea is too awesome hehe








      Old Charming Keep Illustrations & Concept Art

      Charming Keep Illustration: featuring Wanda the Witch!!
      I hope that was her name!! I made this illustration of Scott's character design last year! I figured since I've shown it on my computer desktop, I might as well show it here too ;0 These illustrations didn't get used because it's too much memory for mobile!


      Charming Keep Illustration: featuring Katy Fairy!!
      Illustration of Scott's design; also my desktop wallpaper for a long while now since last year haha
       
      Charming Keep unused Concept Art: fantasy focused things
      I did these last year and some of them might have been made, or not! 
      I have no idea anymore as I haven't been directly involved with this game beyond this and illustrated marketing art.

      Charming Keep unused studies
      These are old pieces :0 





      The past month: Super Social Media Hiatus Mode Ramble!
      Because of my attempts to train at a passable level for the talk I did this:


      The social media break itself has been wonderful!

      The impending doom when I have to catch up eventually again is a scary notion though! I've been feeling the effects of feeling this sense of social responsibility to respond to things and keep up to date with things [having to have an online presence!] but I'm actively ignoring them to give myself space and time for what I need to do :<

      And then when I peek at my Buffer analytics of my fb posts, apparently no one is reacting to my recent posts anymore. NOTHING. :( I guess hiatuses are a bad thing if your intention is engagement?! I don't know for sure since I'm mostly blocked from the site itself but it really felt disheartening to know that no one really cares about scheduled posts without your responses & presence around :') 

      Gosh maybe I should quit Facebook...but I can't. Because I know *nobody* will tell me if I'm missing out on something and I will be completely out of the loop than I already am! 

      I know *friends* go beyond & are OUTSIDE of facebook - in person! And I have very few of those. I guess I'm just feeling the emptiness in my gut, knowing that almost everyone on my little fb friends list are just acquaintances who probably don't see my posts, held together by the fickle thing called facebook. Why should I care so much about people I barely know? :(

      Still I really want to reclaim my time and not spend too much time on facebook when I finally get back to it. Sure you get what you put in...but not really. You can't demand and feel entitled an equal transaction - it's out of your control. I would have given up years ago if I believed in that! 

      Usually it ends up being a huge timesink especially as someone who used to thank each person who was willing to spend time to comment at all. Lurking is a huge past time for the majority of fb users too. Most people don't even bother acknowledging they've seen your posts! Time is scarce! We don't all check each others' posts regularly either...so what's the point of putting so much value on social media Leonie?? LEONIE!! You silly soul!

      Leonie! Stahp using this as your way to alleviate your loneliness! It's an empty thing to do ;P Develop your sense of confidence and self worth elsewhere! [I'm figuring it out! Aaah!!]

      Now I'm learning to like comments instead if I have nothing to say/add to save some time and still appreciate a comment. I feel tired of responding to every single thing with the same "thank yous"...I don't want to make too much time for it anymore. Maybe I'm old and I'm sick and tired of clutter and time wasters in my life. 

      Definitely: I want to enjoy the few interactions & shenanigans I have [if I have anybody left on facebook ;P ] and then come back next week haha

      All this emotional labour and dependency on social media for connection is a fickle and terrible thing so I've been sorting out my social media system again.



      As much as I wanted to push for every two weeks, I've changed it so it'll be weekly on Fridays [today] for both twitter and facebook!!

      Friday can be my wind down day :D

      Ultimately I do want to focus on in person 1 to 1 bonding because that's how real connections happen between people...for me :< It's essentially why I appreciate rare catch up 1 to 1 lunches! I want more of them!! <3 I haven't been brave enough to initiate & ask others to do lunch though because I assume everyone is busy with their own friends and life :S Aside from my brother, I don't really have anyone to depend on at short notice if I need help and emotional support. 

      Still, social media helps you learn about someone's professional/interesting outward selves & personal hobbies [if they choose to share] but it can only go so far. It's great to keep tabs on the snippets of interesting stuff people do!!

      I think weekly works in general for me - I just need to make sure I don't check as much stuff. As addictive and amazing it is to keep tabs on everything, most of the time it's unnecessary and unhelpful to me or anyone since I cannot help/contribute properly anyway. 

      Sure sometimes there's some rare resources but most of the time, the internet is full of noise. I tried TweetDeck. It was great for a while. I do not like tweetdeck now as it presents all these feeds at once and it's simply overwhelming after a while of using it. I don't want more distractions in my life...I don't end up doing anything I'm proud of by consuming social media.

      I'm trying to care less about online engagement and acting a certain way online...and as a result I'm using emojis a lot this year or so haha

      I used to despise emojis because of how low effort it is compared to words. GOSH, what I lack of effort - I used to think!! I used to give rambly thank yous online! I sometimes still do when I want to deeply appreciate someone. 

      But I do use emojis now and embrace it because it's the emotional energy I have left to spare to appreciate what you say with the limited time I want to spend on social media. I express my feelings through emojis because it allows me to communicate impulsively my gut feeling without thinking/filtering/editing myself when I type things out in words.

      It also allows me to be silly ;)




      My #MOTHER3 Frog in a Car Plush ❤ is here!!
      [by Amanda Flagg]
      Love this game + cuteness of this Save Frog plushie! ^o^

      Look it's my cuddly cute thing :') <3

      Quick BurpDoodle: I was at my little corner with a buddy & missed a lot of people?! I can’t see anyway; a lot of watching people crowded into a small space catching up haha :')

      Thanks so much for those kind peeps who were able to catch me & said hello!! And thanks for those who were lovely company at our little & out of the way corner!! Phew for not getting pushed around! I was really hungry as I just ate strawberries for lunch!
      And tired because this is usually the time I’m napping on the train home haha
      Thanks SO much & congrats @TheArcadeMelb!! 💖
      Woo! What a Launch Party! ^o^

      It was overwhelming and too crowded for me...
      ...and it was getting late, cold and I want to go home safely .___.
      I got kind of restless and realised I'll have to wade through lots of tall people if I wanted something interesting to happen! D: I felt the reality of being shorter than most and started seeing the crowds as one unit rather than as people! 
      Still I'm grateful that there were still people happy to say hello and talk to boring little me all the same ;___; All I could say was talk about wanting or happy I had food haha! I kind of gave up talking too much as I'll have to raise my voice beyond comfort levels :S

      And anyway, I had to get home safely before it gets too late, cold and rainy - I'd rather not spend money on rides this time - I'm saving money for the NZ trip & the mid year spending I've been doing! :0





      An article with perspectives on Why I don’t stay out at night as a regular thing :<


      Note that I have been harassed and sexually harassed by strangers before regardless of time of day a long time ago... 

      But I feel most unsafe when it’s dark, there's not much people and late at night. And since I live elsewhere from everyone else, going home on my own is something I try to minimise doing. I don't have any close friends I can "crash" at, as they call it. And I don't have people I can walk along the way to a station or something - safety in numbers. So I'd rather not stay out late it unless I really want to go to something and it's a rare one off or random thing...taxi/uber/shebah ride I guess!

      I have done it before [safely] but the fear, stress and intense desire to get home asap increases the later at night it gets. And I really don't want to deal with more stress when I'm so tired at the end of the day. I just want to nap on the train home!! :')

      Sometimes, things are worth going since I rarely do social things! 
      So it has to be actually fun and interesting to me to be there. 

      When I'm so drained and tired at the end of the day, inviting me to a loud, crowded, dark lit, socially intense, overwhelming drinking party is the last thing I want haha

      I should schedule more recovery rest times during the day beyond just once/twice :0 Because occasionally, I will say yes because I want to give it a go and feel brave enough to do so. Hang around a couple of hours before my energy goes into the negatives haha

      Undoubtedly I feel special when people invite me [hey people have stopped inviting me when I keep saying no...so I appreciate invites all the same when it happens!! They probably don't know what I'm interested in I guess]! 

      If it was low key and there's things to do like games, learning, etc then maybe ;) Or day time activities; if it was a daytime party/event, at least I have the light/sunlight to draw people when I get bored & isolated from the socially incredible people ;) People won't care too much if I'm there or not right? 

      I want fun things to do to make it worth my trouble to stay late at night, not worry about being interesting & actively social at a party, over spend my energy away and make sure I get home safely :') Game nights with a small group of peeps maybe? Just no crowds where people are jostling each other. Not for me. :<

      I don't know 100% what I want for sure though as I'm too busy in training mode right now anyway haha

      Why am I talking about this? Well because kind people have invited me to things in recent months and I feel terrible for saying no. :')
      I don't regret saying no though because I have things to do...I am such an alien compared to most people! But I know I'm not alone!





      Overall this month:
      Felt dark, tired and discouraged every now and then. Not going into specifics but there was a horrible heavy feeling of despair and hurt in my gut as a result of it. I haven't felt like this for a while! I made sure to allow myself to let it out privately to myself. 

      But learning to focus on the present and being grateful for the general kind & better people around me helped! Growing to feel a little better, positive and a little stronger now. (: 

      Don't worry about things out of your control too long...just assume the best of things and keep on going!! I need time to let things go as much as I want to speed up the process.

      That said, I'm feeling happier that 1 to 1 lunches are happening more...well occasionally!! 
      Just don't expect doodles every time and of every person...! I'm not anyone's art monkey! People need to earn it & I only do gift art when *I* genuinely want to :P It's rare to find people who appreciate 1 to 1 lunches together *with* you too because it means there's a great possibility of mutual connection ^o^

      In other social group situations, it's a lot of growing to enjoy your own company even if you are in the presence of other people. I'm not great at it but striving to focus on making my own fun...which is sticking with people I already know or drawing and being out of the way (: And when I am talking to someone...I juggle between focusing on one person and ignore everyone else and just staying in Listen Mode when people are talking haha

      I just want to insist again that my life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, I have my own struggles and I had to say "no" to many things to protect my "yes"es. 

      Do I contract/tense up or do I feel energized and keen?
      I'm listening to my gut feeling/body more so that I make decisions from a genuine place. Not because of pressure or fear of missing out.

      But because I want to be there or do it, I want to enjoy/appreciate it and I feel it's worth my time. (:



      BurpDoodle: This is me at work & at home this whole month.I'm trying to be brave with my comfort zone aaaah!! 
      Thank you for being so lovely & understanding with me 😭






      Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!

      Wah it's going to happen!! Eep!! NOT ready .__.

      I am scared. How is this even happening?!

      See you next month with a proper recap on NZGDC17!  (:





      Leonie