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Friday, July 7, 2017

Framed 2 Process & Concept Art Tests of my Polaroid Photos Art! // All the juggling & Birthday Thoughts [JUN2017]

Leonie's small blog island says hullo! (:

I don't know many people who reads these because you're all invisible!

But I'm assuming no one at work does...right? Right? 
I'll assume they don't haha
They don't have time to read these rambly essays ;)

And my audience apparently via google search is from the US rather than people I actually know and/or within Australia so it's probably true. :')

All the same welcome to my isolated blog island!

Make yourself welcome and do be kind as I ramble about art and personal things (:

    Let's go! Journal Time.

    Framed 2 + Persona 5 + SuperListenMode + BurpArtBlog
    This is a mess!! Figured I can make my own strip for this dedicated blog post for Framed 2 ;D


    CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:


    Year 4, Month 6 (June)

      Leonie Yue's Sketchbook 

      SuperListenMode: Contributing Non Verbally
      When you like reading up on things, thinking about things and learning things beforehand.
      I was made to believe that I was dumb, slow, boring and useless in group situations but I'm coming to terms with it and feeling okay with how I take in information, listening to people and working with others. 

      That it's okay if I need time to formulate my own ideas & gain knowledge from my ignorance; I can't fire back ideas on a whim like all the cool people are :< 

      I won’t have any opinions or ideas to give anyway :S
      I'm happy to give thumbs up and smiles though in the meantime ;D

       SuperListenMode: Usually this is all non verbal
      Hey this is all in my mind because…I know about myself henceforth I don’t find myself interesting. ;D I usually talk if I actually feel mutual & comfortable with them and on a gut level I feel that the other person has the time, headspace and sincerity to care (:

      Hey we’re all busy with our own life juggling!
      It hurts a lot when you'd like to connect more but what can you do? 
      We don't have time for most people.

      Actually I try to focus the conversation on the other person so I don't worry about being interesting...too much ;D

      It all makes me more grateful for people who are happy to talk to me :')

       SuperListenMode: Too self conscious yo
      When people tell you to do and try things but you just watch them instead ;D
      I'm very used to being the isolated quiet observer on the sidelines :')
      I sort of need some encouragement and time to relax, get comfortable, warm up to company and give myself permission to let my guard down to be silly :')

      Admittedly it does help tremendously if the other person is happy to be silly too...or it gets one sided and awkward ;D

      I hope I keep getting better at feeling comfortable & being silly as myself! ^o^
       SuperListenMode: I just want to listen
      That's how I chill...and if I want to say something I need some time later for me to articulate my thoughts or it's too late haha. Essentially why I'm better at typing it out than talking on the spot.


      I miss out on providing any input or impromptu socialising and banter because I need time. Plus I give up especially when I have nothing new to add. :')

      Embracing how boring I am >:'0

      It also makes me super appreciate the kind people who are happy to talk with me in spite of my Super Listen Mode (:

       SuperListenMode: Come and Go
      Human Interactions Part 123
      Special moments but fleeting all the same :D
      Cherish the buddies you do have who don't mind your company :0
      Hey I don't really see many of you either, invisible internet peeps :')

      SuperListenMode: Defining Happy
      When people say it's an attitude rather than a destination, I sort of agree.
      I’m more leaning towards allowing myself to be a human, change or tolerate things I’m struggling with and stay focused on the things I’m grateful for. (:
      It's a balance of being grateful with what you have and being ambitious/hopeful for evolving into a better person - always ^_^

      Ups are usually so fleeting :0 I'm sure this is not a popular opinion (though how can I tell?) but thanks for reading my thoughts! ^_^ I don't think there's a point in "chasing happiness" but whether you enjoy extreme exciting changes to your life or the small little things that happen (such as: oh look, I don't have to wash the dishes today!) it's all a matter of perspective and what gives you the drive, motivation, energy and meaning to live and keep going no matter what life throws in your face.

      I believe that life is full of bad, good, difficult, sudden and mundane things...all of which are needed for us to grow ^_^ 

      But that's just me rambling...what do I know?

       SuperListenMode: About Personal Comics
      I made this early in the year and I couldn't see these comics being applicable beyond being just floating in the internet void. I'm striving to get better at character design, visual storytelling through illustration and vector art ultimately so I didn't expect kind people to actually commission me for this style haha

      Yes I'm not terribly proud of them because it's a side personal thing and I'm still tackling with finding my artistic voice :') I will have to keep evolving!

      All the same!! Thank youuu! <3
      I don't know how to react properly but I'm always shocked, humbled and happy when people say they read these personal little things of mine :') 

      Thank youuu!! Let's keep doing our best at growing! <3


      SuperListenMode: Finally bought my own phone this year
      No more hand me downs...finally.
      Haven’t had a new phone for myself before!

      Hope lasts me several years! :D

      SuperListenMode: What is love
      Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.
      I don’t know why exactly and it's not because she's long gone…but I teared up when I thought of this episode. Silly feelings .___.

      SuperListenMode: Umm too embarrassing
      Too embarrassed to let my brother see me watch sappy stuff.
      My bro saw this comic and laughed at me gah!!

      Apparently comedy at my expense is relatable ;)

      SuperListenMode: Being sad & people having priorities
      It happens and we do it to other people because we’re all doing the best we can with our time and interactions :S 

      Don’t dwell too long and move on is what I tell myself :(
      I hate myself when I dwell on feeling sad & hurt when I suddenly get stonewalled, get too invested and feel disrespected. 
      I mean, it’s not mutual anyway so why waste time? 

      Roll the pain and hurt away. Let it goooo

       SuperListenMode: Sometimes not ready
      to have anything to say in both situations haha :<

      The reality is, people usually don’t notice me or want to talk to me so I’m worrying and being self conscious over nothing. People don’t care. :’) 

      And then there are people who refuse to acknowledge your existence despite you being right next to them and saying/waving hello :( Hey to be fair, I've done it before a few times, only because I felt creeped out and uncomfortable so knowing that someone else potentially feels that about me feels discouraging. But at least I know I should stay away & not initiate anything anymore with them :')

      Ultimately I think too much in the end, but do understand that I don't have that many social interactions. ;) It's hard but comfort zones and all that.

        SuperListenMode: I made this ages ago
      I guess this is my life now haha
      My illustrated personal comics P2

        SuperListenMode: I melt into my chair
      You feel like you need to keep going uh ohhhh

      And then you reach a point where you need to get out for a toilet break haha
      I'm getting better at the "taking a break thing" but perhaps I need to walk about more :S

        SuperListenMode: Daydreams lead you to imaginary places
      Sometimes you should stop since real life is already a handful to deal with so I daydream and think over possibilities of my decisions or have pretend silly scenarios that would never happen haha
      Just allowing my mind to wander off and escape a while.

      And sometimes you get lucky and something creative comes out of it :D !

       BurpDoodle: Blue?
      My facebook majig

       BurpDoodle: Or Red?
      My twitter majig - I changed it though once twitter turned into circle avatars

      Finally saw The Room (2003) for the 1st time last month with much cringing.
      So here's Tommy Wiseau to get the memes out of my system ;D

      I went between confusion, disbelief, anger, amusement, frustration, apathy, understanding, shock, feeling lost and resignation. 
      • What did I watch. So many "noooooo that doesn't make sense!!" 
      • WHO talks like that?! 
      • Breast cancer one liner?? 
      • How many sex scenes & ball throwing scenes do we need? 
      • What is going on with that mother?
      • Lisa as a character does not make sense. Mark too. I gave up.
      • Tommy's dry laughter is everywhere.
      • Dramatic tantrum and arguments!! 
      • Felt bad for the actors & cringed...by the end of it I just wanted it to be over. 
      • Essentially Tommy's American life dream in a movie.


      Yes am aware about the audiobook [not available here in Australia] and an upcoming movie ;D

      I have learned that one must watch good terrible movies with friends or you will suffer alone like I did with The Room :')

      Looking forward to listening to the audiobook of the Disaster Artist somehow!!


      BurpDoodle: Jem and the Holograms Issue 1

      Finally got started on one of the comics the Lovely Lauren lent me!! :’D
      I’m completely new to the series and the colours are vibrantly amazing (:

      I relate to Jem in that I freeze up, flail about internally and draw a blank when put on the spot in front of lots of people :’)
      Having an online presence is different in that I’m able to focus on rambling away and type on the computer screen...I can’t see who’s reading! ;D

      For some reason this got some attention on Tumblr :S



      BurpDoodle Out of Date Little #MeetTheArtist Meme
      Yes I've been watching Persona 5 ;D


      Game makes me wish I had that many texts everyday and good friends to hang out and bond with if I weren’t such a hermit who usually protects her spare time for art, learning, food, life and watching things haha ;P

      It also showed how it can be stressful managing many commitments to people and juggling with time :0 “PERSONAUGGGHHHHHHH!!”

      Gosh I’ve finished watching 98 hours of the whole Persona 5 game now! The English dub wasn’t that bad! It’s not perfect with some story nitpicks and it’s not something I will play myself but it’s a top game if JRPG, slice of life, cheesy moments and relationship building is your kind of thing! It’s amazing in design and visuals too! I enjoyed my time with it :D  
      GOSH the soundtrack is wonderful!! 

      Please be kind; all my happy and sad things in one :’)

      BurpDoodle: Meet the Artist - What's In my Bags Edition
      Another take on this meme from February haha
      I don't think there would be a Mighty Games Bag but hey who knows! ;D

      I hope this explains why I carry so much stuff...sort of!



      Made my own MeetTheArtist - Leonie Bingo Edition

      I mean I might as well! ;D
      I don't expect anyone to get many; we're all individuals (:
      Especially the durian thing haha!
      Apparently I’m a infj sometimes too since I change between t and f :S

      Yes a lot of people don't like durian :P


      BurpDoodle: Plastic Love - Maria Takeuchi

      I stumbled onto 80's Japanese music.
      So here's some fanart based on this Youtube video of this song. 

      Do read the translation somewhere in the comments,

      it's about dulling the pain of a broken heart. </3

      BurpDoodle: Mario Pikachu & Luigi Pikachu Plushies! 

      Aaah the toys are so cute!! 

      I didn't buy them though; they're too expensive and look bad & weird at other angles :0 So since Mario Odyssey exists, what does it mean for these two?? O_O;


      BurpDoodle: Changed just my Twitter icon to this because it's a circle!
      ʕノ•ᴥ•ʔノ ミ ★゜✿・。★。・゜☆゜・♬

      Hey! Link me your favourite #SuperListenMode expressions!

      Wait anyone actually interested in stickers?? :(
      Comment below with links to your fav #SuperListenMode expressions!

      Past comics here to gander & pick from:
      http://tumblr.leonieyue.com/tagged/SuperListenMode/
      If I don’t get much of a response,
      I’ll just assume people aren’t keen as I’m asking to gauge interest! All good :’)



      Afterwards: Turns out there's a small handful who are keen but I don't think there's enough interest to warrant me making it a commercial thing. Probably a more personal physical sticker set kind of thing. I'll so it when I feel up to it...I got too much on my plate right now!


      I just had to ask just to see if anyone else was keen but turns out I really don't have much of an invested "audience" in the end. I don't have enough people to actually make it viable to do it right now. Glad I asked - see I'm not popular at all mwahaha you got it all wrong! :P


      Don't get me wrong, I've still have a stack of fresh stickers made out of fun I plan to hand out around MIGW ;)


      But SLM stickers are essentially something to do if *I* have the time to out of fun and I don't right now :<


      But if you're keen, do let me know! Or remind me about one expression you'd like to see happen. (:










      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Framed 2 is out: all my Concept Art for the Polaroid Photos & Thoughts!


      What I posted at the time it got out:

      Woo FRAMED2 by LoveshackEntertainment is finally out!! 
      Get it! ^o^

      Here's the Framed 2 trailer!

      I did the unlockable Polaroid Photos Collectables Art with my silly & polished SuperListenMode art style!

      Not sure how it works but I do wanna see cool captions! I had no idea what the captions would be like in action while doing this project so I was excited to see how it plays out :0!! I haven't seen any captions yet [why are people not posting no captions?] as it's too early but I do hope to curate a collection of my favourites haha

      A really non spoilery but detailed TouchArcade review here on how it does it better than the original Framed. They called my Polaroid art cartoony versions of Framed 2 scenes!! Gasp!! Haha

      Feel free to make your own mind!! ;D
      Apparently it's a short 2.5 hour game?
      I haven't started yet because I'm juggling as it is, I'll eventually play though! :0




      Framed 2 iStickers I made:

      OH! I also made this set of silly iStickers for Framed 2 in vector art!! ^o^
      I stole the screenshots from the app store page, mwahahahah!! ;D

      It was fun making these; I did draw them to an almost finished state before going to vector art :0!
      I hope I am getting better at this vector art majig; always learning! (:

      Afterthought: 
      Haven't really seen people use them but then again, I don't message people on Apple devices. So I don't know...it's out in the wild at least! :D

      It was cool that someone on twitter used one of these screenshots as their phone wallpaper though :0!





      Now that Framed 2 has been out for a while:
      Looking back, I've worked on this and ended up burning out and sleep deprived for a handful of days but I felt it was worth it. Honestly I would have taken a break from work to recover if I were to go back in time though. A lesson for me!

      The Loveshack team were amazing and understanding even though I took longer than estimated on the Polaroid Photos Art/Comic Strips as I wanted to do the best I can with the illustrations! So that's another lesson for me...just allow time for this if I can afford to! 

      Yes I know I need to allow time for me to do the best job I can...it's just hard as I fear I'll scare off people and the fear of quoting too high and estimating how long it takes me is still something I struggle with. It's real, especially with indie projects. But they were understanding and went with the altered quote without question - I just feel so lucky to be working with them ^o^!

      Super thanks to my Mighty bosses for allowing me to do this too, I am super lucky ;) !



      It's pretty ironic because during my second year of going to GCAP [see my blog posts about it] - I think that was in 2014? I was a struggling freelancer - that is...nothing was stable and there were long periods of little to no clients. 

      I went to a panel which Joshua Boggs himself [and Trent and some others too]! I don't remember what it was about but here's what I do remember...

      I sat in the front row with a friend and I remember Josh saying that you should pay your artist employees and contractors fairly because it took them many, many years to even reach a professional level at all to be hireable. 

      I thought: yes!! I do agree!!

      Note I didn't approach any of them at the time. I didn't know many people.
      It was daunting. I'm just a newbie. Not really sure about what I want. 

      I didn't have anything to say!

      I was thinking...I don't think I'll get to that level for a long time :') 
      ...that's probably why no one wants to hire me haha

      It was hard. I'm swimming trying to stay afloat and survive. 
      At the time I used a lot of my savings just to attend GCAP, hoping that I'll just meet a few more people and get comfortable in spite of my social ineptitude. And I really, really, really don't like talking to people when I feel I have nothing valuable to offer .___. 

      I was sort of feeling sad too. It's been ingrained with my traditional upbringing that this is not a thing you do for money, let alone actually make a living out of it. I understood that. It is true! It's a balance of passion and love for the hard/mundane/challenging/creative work, being good at it and doing something that's in demand.

      I was certain that I'm not really going anywhere at the rate I was going but I was naive and game enough to just keep getting at it for a decade...or two. That was the "idea." Say hello to people when I feel up to it. Try not to cry from stress, pressure, rejection, emotional turmoil/drainage and disappointment afterwards. Forget all the people who pointedly avoided you. Remember all the people who were kind to me and gave me the time of day even though I was a nobody :')

      I didn't know where I was going for sure...I just wanted to design and draw for projects I can be proud of...and survive?? I want the desire to create and grow in my soul to be nurtured and I am always figuring myself out.

      To know that it's "possible" but you need to get good at it to be paid fairly for it [as Josh said] was something that seemed too far away to achieve. It's that feeling of always looking up at the people who "broke into the industry" their way and wondering if you'd ever, ever find your own way. 

      If you read my posts from those years in this blog, you'd see how mixed my feelings were with all of it. I have been there. I was really pushing my comfort zone to the limit and was emotionally exhausted and upset with my perceived "failures" to do anything with myself. 
      I felt lost and did not feel I belonged anywhere.



      And now three years later I have been commissioned by Loveshack and paidly super fairly for the iStickers and collectable Polaroid comics for Framed 2. What is this. I don't know if this is real!! Gosh!! I would have never thought of it!

      And I don't even feel I'm good enough yet...I always want to keep learning more!! :') I'm usually creatively hungry!! 



      With the project itself, I have the increasing feeling of wanting to move on, now that it's sort of out into the wild. Sort of. I can't tell how people are doing in the game! It's pretty hard to unlock them all apparently!

      And I do want to just meet the Loveshack Team one day just to thank them tremendously for the opportunity. I don't know what else to say. Yes I haven't met them yet...that's sort of funny :'D 

      Rather than make it exactly like my silly and simple comics, I'm grateful that I got to have fun with their characters and also make full illustrations out of each comic strip. I'm so happy that I got to take it as far I could...I wanted to be proud of them! 

      I am still keen for any cool captions you may have!! I have been collecting the twitter posts ;D I didn't see many though but I am completely aware that my comics are just missable extra collectables! I'm just grateful I got to be a tiny part of it (:

      If all else fails, I'm going to try to unlock them myself in my own game and make my own captions!! I mean I know what they look like already since I made them haha. I can probably cheat and use my art files to pretend that I unlocked them...but that's not satisfying at all. (: 

      I think I'm going to struggle given how hard it can be though :( 
      Maybe I can't get them all but I'll try...!!

      Mind you, I've only played the Framed [it was hard] and Framed 2 demos [satisfying when you finally get it] when they were showcased in PAXAus in their respective years. I appreciated playing the demos as it was a really cool but that was the extent of my Framed gaming experiences. (: 

      Now I own both games!! I'm terrible but I'll try :0!!

          




      Concepting & Art begins! The ART STYLE TESTS!!

      This is me figuring out how to fit the polished version of my SuperListenMode silly art style with Framed 2 with my Art tests:
      Main Gangster Lead for Framed 2, the prequel of Framed.


      Flower Girl :D


      Main Lead from Framed with ultra silly expressions...I didn't really have to do this page but I did it anyway. There's the cat too! :D No spoilers ;)


      Figuring out the Cop design since I got a range of reference :0


      Figuring out the P.I. that keeps chasing the two Leads! Oh smoking...don't do that! :<

      With the whole process it's a lot of...do they need faces? 
      Legs? 
      How much detail? 
      How to design and simplify things? 

      All that experimentation and research was needed. I refuse to just rush things with one pass like I do with my own SuperListenMode comics when people are actually commissioning me for a project!! (:




      Polaroid Collectable Comics Process 

      After the art tests, I sketched all 12 of them as follows to get the composition and characters almost there. Here I'm just showing #2 because...the rest are collectable secrets! 

      I have yet to see anyone unlock all 12 at the time of writing ;D


      This is the in-game and instagram aspect ratio! 
      The thought bubble covers a lot of the background :0

      And the facebook and twitter ratio! 
      I had to cut out a lot so there was quite a lot of problem solving in making sure both aspect ratios work.

      After that was approved and changes were redrawn, I went over the whole set and did the lineart. This stage took the longest!
      • Then I blocked in colours for the whole set.
      • I rendered these colours properly.
      • I coloured the lineart.
      • I polished everything. Fixed any inconsistencies I could find.
      • I fixed the "Framed 2" logo so it works.
      • Then made sure all the speech bubbles work in both aspect ratios.
      • Then I exported them, got the final round of feedback.
      • I exported them into their appropriate ratios, finished up the business side of things and then the art delivery was made! :D


      The final Polaroid Collectable Comic!
      I figured I can just scribble my own additions in the thought bubble ;)
      It also works without the bubble as I illustrated behind it too!



      Generally it's taken me approximately 6 hours each comic strip? 
      So you do the math :')

      I didn't have any free time! It was early morning, after work, weekends, late into the night...striving I can to do the best I can at this.

      Overall it's been an honour to be a small part of Framed 2 and it's a pleasure to work with the Loveshack Entertainment team! They’ve been so lovely, understanding and encouraging with me!! :D And I haven't even met them yet so what do I know!! Haha


      If Framed 2 stuff is all you're here for, all the best and thanks for reading!






      Mighty Games Shenanigans: Charming Runes & Shooty Skies
      I don't have much I can show but hey hello!

      Finally prettied up my old CharmingRunes Bird BurpDoodle studies ;D
      Dedicated to the wondrous art buddy Scott Bartlett/@cronobreak [for his bird design] ^o^

      It's been hanging in there since I did the game's launch comic - finally made some time to finish this! 


      Mission Impossible Shooty update character concepts
      Just concepting and figuring it out with scribbles :0

      Oh I've made lots of things but it's disappeared into the world of projects that are in progress or have put into a vault as it happens...as usual (:


      Charming Runes Update v1.2: Maddie Mermage, Cobberdile Spoonee and Mr Tea!
      Three of the 5 new characters - I made more but they're not out...yet? I don't know ;) !

      This is the first time I got to illustrate social media images in my art style & a lot of learning about compression was involved. Figuring out the line between graphic design and illustration and what gets obscured by twitter like a newbie :0 ! Much thanks to Scott Bartlett [his character designs!] for his usual help & feedback along the way of course (:

      Charming Runes Update v1.2: Cobberdile Spoonee & Maddie Mermage!
      When you realise it's too hard to fit all 5 characters! I will probably post everything else in the next monthly blog post ;) The other two characters: Audit Baithat & Necromantic are not shown here :0







      The past month: Juggling and Singledom acceptance, Social Media thoughts, getting distracted by E3 2017, birthday shenanigans and overall thoughts for the month!

      Gosh I'm washing dishes every night nowadays D:
      It's because my bro is actually experimenting, buying ingredients and cooking dinner and things and my part is to get bossed around and wash up the mess!


      It's fun being the 2nd guinea pig in command with food ;D One time there was uncooked fish! And we had little to no dinner in the end!



      At least I can turn my brain off and just focus on washing dishes with old icky and flaky gloves at the end of the day :D



      In turn that leaves only a handful of hours to do anything else at night so either I stay up too late or I end up doing nothing unwinding from the day that has gone by. So many things I want to do but I usually end up sacrificing sleep every now and then :<



      Just in case those new here will ask: 

      "Isn't this supposed to be an art blog??" 


      Well it's my personal blog and journey too! I would never really go into friends/colleagues/other people's personal and private stuff without permission but here I'm focused on personal growth really as an artist and person (:



      I digress! I'm striving to learn at least within two areas, play games, do Mighty work, post things and tackle with life. I DO feel overwhelmed at times. To the point that I want to hide from social media...but don't do it because I know the backlog will grow otherwise >___>; GAHHH I want to do so many things!!



      Maybe I should check facebook once every two weeks. 

      I'm actually considering this at the time of this post :S


      There are 1-2 things I might have to check since it's time sensitive but I think I can do it. (:








      Personal Singledom ramble

      Don't read this section if you're not here for the personal stuff!! :')


      Lately instead of rejecting, denying and being sad about the possibility of being single forever like I have all my life [see previous post], I'm feeling slightly better at the notion. Being Lonely Leonie isn't that bad; especially when I have my own best buddy brother to be there for me or get grumpy with each other. ;D 



      Plus I have a wonderful place to work at and cool people I'm slowly warming up to as wonderful friends! Well I know most won't have the time of day to *be* my friend but I'm just hoping. ;)




      Digressing. I do not want to settle on someone just because I don't want to be lonely. I mean I've done this all my life - I haven't found the right person and being such a hermit out of habit hasn't helped. I've been lonely but I'm still alive and doing my best I can with it! Sure I do wonder how it's like on the other side. But not the end of the world! 



      With feelings, I usually hide my feelings away in fear, too scared to be direct especially I haven't even gotten to know somebody or connect with them in the first place, I'm too conscious about my inexperience, how I've had people discouragingly disappear on you once you reach out to get to know them and the fact that I struggle to find something in common with people in general. Especially as someone who is used to being an outcast. 



      I'm supposed to have friends, make great conversations and have an interesting life before people find me attractive right??? HAH I'm doomed. :')



      Let's say I haven't had an encouraging experience before. Perhaps I gave up as I keep myself busy with other things. 



      I doubt myself. I assume people are not interested in me anyway as it's usually the case and that they were just harmlessly flirty, polite or being kind. And that they're probably taken and unavailable, given how much they hang around others and certain individuals so much. They're probably not interested and don't even know I exist. Or just giving up the notion that anyone would be interested or attracted to me. 



      Just talking myself out of it so I don't worry and analyse everything...it's lead me to great hurt and disappointment before. I don't want to spend so much time and emotional energy on someone who hasn't earned it yet! This is one of the reasons why I don't stalk or keep tabs on many people until I feel that my expectations match reality and that I trust and respect them as people and/or friends :I 



      All the worst case assumptions! :')



      Years ago a few people I'm not interested in were interested me and like a scared mouse I kept avoiding them...the fear of leading them on was real D: 



      There was one time I was just being friendly and helpful probably too often so it caused some misunderstanding - understandably! But it made me scared, weird and uncomfortable when it came to light. That time really shook my comfort levels with these things and whether people who can be potentially attracted to each other can really be just friends. 



      Sometimes I am just not interested and I'm afraid of giving the wrong idea but I want to be polite and friendly about it all the same...at a distance. I won't really initiate the conversation either. You can probably tell from my body language if I feel comfortable being near you or not [friends or not] if I think about it...but don't test me just to make me uncomfortable!



      I've seen people I've crushed on act like this towards me too and even blatantly walk away from me and disrespecting me out of discomfort. It hurts but I'm grateful to know they're not feeling the same and it saves me time in the long run. Feeling hurt and rejected is part of life! I'm getting better at losing the attraction, letting go and I keep my distance. :')



      Now I think attraction is there in all amounts and between friends and potential romantic partners. It depends on the people to act upon it or not. Self control and loyalty to your partner(s) if you're already in relationships :0 It's a dance of sexual tension, attraction, friendliness and being respectful throughout the whole thing. Sounds easy but it's a juggle!



      For me at most I probably act more silly and friendly to someone I like and then I go back to silent and distant when I need personal space, I'm just too scared of rejection, that they're not really responding/initiating as well, my fear that they were already taken resurfaces or the fact that it was all in my own head and that we don't connect at all - as it's happened many times before :S 



      Perhaps I like the *idea* of a relationship since I haven't had one before and my loneliness gets the better of me sometimes. Too many what ifs, Leonie.



      Rarely there are moments when the "friendly conversation" is mutual but if it does, it doesn't go anywhere because it's just fun silly moments. Humans are complex and confusing...including me!! 



      Gosh I wish I can completely cut out the "crushing" thing :'( It's a mixed bag sort of hurt and hope which goes nowhere at the non existent rate I'm going. It definitely comes down to communication to get all this uncertainty out the window...but here I am, trying to convince myself that they're taken and I should just focus on friendships instead and go from there .____.



      Yes I do have some form of belief that no one I like, likes me in that way. :S

      Because I'm too afraid of flirting and/or I'm terrible at it.


      I do know that if someone like-minded, special and awesome comes it would be a wonderful journey and challenging new learning experience but if nothing mutual happens, at the least I'm focused on doing things I want to do and personal growth (: 



      In a world full of uncertainty, I would like to be the kind of person who keeps staying hopeful, positive, growing and to be able to give value in my own way. I want to find my own sense of independence and self confidence - sometimes I'm still too much of a coward when it comes with connecting with others in person. I'm very happy though that I'm slowly talking more at work sometimes when I would have usually shut it all out, just to focus on deep work mode. 



      My introverted energy bar is expanding and I'm warming up to colleagues maybe? :0



      I am excited if I do find somebody right for me to be my partner in life but I'm more excited about growing! However slow and behind everybody I am! ^o^  




      Being single gives you freedom to do what you want...and I don't feel the shame that strongly anymore. ;D 



      The fact that I'm even talking about it in this blog speaks volumes...I would have refused to talk about these things even months ago because of the intense shame I've been feeling...on how I'm not "dating like everyone else my age" and how I refuse to be in a relationship just because I want someone else to be the source of my happiness and fill the loneliness void. That is too much of a burden to put on somebody. Hey lots of people I used to know have families and kids now while I'm not that kind of person, I don't want to start my own family with children. 



      A partner in life in which we can boost each other up would be wonderful. Someone in which I feel is worth my time, trust, respect, friendship, attraction and emotional investment at the least. 


      So ultimately I want to keep making myself happy instead and perhaps find awesome friends along the way! I'm not good at it but I'm working at it!! (: 


      Perhaps this "Love Language" Philosophy [quiz here] would be helpful with friendships too. Mine is a huge landslide of 11 points for Acts of Service, 2nd is Quality Time and then third is Physical Touch :0



      Hey being single is all I've known so relationship stuff is still a mystery to me :0 

      I am definitely guilty of watching dating sims and romantic stuff though even though it's all fake ;D


      It's the usual staying hopeful, not being ashamed and just keep doing and growing as a person. Again, I think I should focus on friendships more for now (:




      "But Leonie, aren't you calling for help by publicly talking about being single?? 
      Are you expecting people to make moves on you now??"

      I don't think this is a call for help...not much people read what I say ;)

      Anyway, no one can help me beyond introducing people to me haha!! Gosh I don't know if I'm ready for that...! I will probably run the other direction if it's suddenly intense and super beyond my comfort zone!! D: It feels worse when it's someone who you've never thought of in that way and you're not at all prepared. Or it's someone you've lost your trust in based on their actions, past history of disinterest and/or rudeness but they suddenly turn "scarily nice"...it feels creepy and I don't know who they are anymore. :(

      And even then, I really don't want to feel the extra peer pressure that I have to be together with somebody they think I should get along with [in a romantic and sexual way] with companionship in mind? :S  

      I'd prefer to start as people getting to know each other? No expectations attached? Not "first date = commitment right away"? Now that's SCARY and too intense. Just take it slow and figure out if people are right for each other sort of pace :< You know, get to know each other as people. Respect each other and communicate it if it's uncomfortable. As good genuine and caring silly playful friends.

      Yes I am saying that friendship & mutual attraction would be the best foundation! ;)

      I genuinely take *years* to trust and respect somebody through lots of quality time, trust, respect, honesty, communication, understanding, values and all that wonderfully rare stuff that needs to be slowly built and earned together. To figure out if people are compatible and all that. It's difficult when I don't really meet enough people to statistically help me find such people!! I'm not going to pretend I am an active "out there" person either...it's a tricky balance. It really needs to be on a regular basis or it just fades away into oblivion :S

      But I don't expect people to do anything, I mean nothing much has happened all my life so I doubt anything would change drastically. I do *not* believe that my blog impacts anybody...at least not to that extent! I am genuinely just going to embrace it and let things naturally happen. 

      Or not happen. :') I'm too uncomfortable and a coward to take the initiative & directly say I have feelings for someone. Especially given that I've never reached the stage of enough mutual trust and respect to do so. So in a way I'm wasting time on people who I have yet to genuinely connect and spend time with. :S

      Actually I'll probably be too oblivious if someone likes me, I'll assume that they're just being kind, polite and friendly, they're taken/unavailable/not interested or they're just harmlessly flirting without intentions and it won't actually progress or go anywhere. That's all the experience I have so far. :S 

      I have never met someone who I'm mutually interested with *and* it actually becomes a date. [Pfftt what's a date??] It has reached a point where I'd usually assume someone is unavailable/taken just to save myself the heartbreak and emotional energy pining for someone I don't know well .___. Oh dear. It's hard all the same when you're crushing on someone [or your idea of them].

      As I said, the fact that I'm finally writing openly about this shows I've grown a tiny bit more and I don't have as much shame anymore with my inexperience nor "innocence" at this thing called "relationships". I'm not going to pine, dream and wait for something that won't happen - given at how l'm simply focused and busy on trying to work on myself, career, self confidence, independence and life rather than actually learn & experience being committed with someone else at life and love. Gosh the romance movies and books I've read isn't helping with my silly wandering brain sometimes!!

      Being in a relationship is another thing I have yet to learn and I will probably be terrible and a newbie at it. I will be keen to learn with the right person...one day if it ever happens! :D Yes I am a "wallflower" at life [hey peeps with families, children and ultra responsibilities - I don't want children of my own but I definitely super respect you!!] but I am tired of dreaming too much...I'm just going to focus on myself and just *enjoy* the journey.  

      If somebody special comes along the way then it will be an incredible bonus and a learning experience at the least. Of course, I won't readily and desperately just jump into and invest in just anyone! If I were that kind of person, I wouldn't be single all my life! I believe these things take lots of time to nurture into something wonderful. (: 

      Still I will definitely be nervous and in shock - hey I'm new to all of this and with dating too!! :< Gosh I'm just rambling now about my non existent love life haha


      Most importantly and contrary to what you may think:
      What happens in my love life isn't really of anyone's concern. 
      If it ever does happen. ;)


      I'm just expressing my feelings up until now since I've been single all my life and I'm just talking about my own personal thoughts! I want to let out some more steam since my last blog post. I haven't had an opportunity to have a partner before so if it ever happens I will keep it all private, even from my personal comics and this blog too. I'd rather not share about relationships if I'm in them. :0 

      Hey I've been able to share my personal things probably because I have the freedom to, as a single butt ;) It doesn't mean I will never feel sad and lonely as I have been occasionally but now I'm pretty keen to focus on enjoying what I have! I'm just going to take it as it comes.



      Phew I feel good now that I've talked about all of this! :D
      I can let go of my shame and have an open mind, in spite of my ignorance (:
      I shall allow myself to stay optimistic too with love but I'm going to put my self worth elsewhere - on being a better person <3

      Now to focus on being okay with being myself...learning!! :D
      I'll probably forget what I've written here too hahaha









      Social Media rambles:

      Feeling lost on social media! :') I feel like I want to keep away as much as possible as I feel even more of an outcast.


      Felt like I missed many shenanigans on Facebook long after the fact too but ah well :S I lost a couple of Facebook friends too but I don't know who...I'm happy that I keep my list small though with people I reasonably care about though. It's also interesting because I actually don't know who unfriended me given how relatively small my friends list is!! Still it's more managable and I trust that the people I keep around...won't abandon me! Admittedly I have this silly fear of abandonment, rejection and being stonewalled going on strong when it comes to people I know. If they do well...it'll hurt. But I'll get over it eventually :') 


      But each time I catch up with social media it feels ultra sweet to see that a small handful of people are still reading my scheduled posts by liking them sometimes. I'm glad I keep my distance all the same so I don't take things too personally when I finally check. You know, that's how I cope ;D I take these measures so I don't put my self value and worth upon what I post online...it gives me some personal space so to speak.


      I spend too much time on twitter though. Typing and emoting on the computer is probably the method I communicate through the most...arguably!



      The more I spend time on social media...the more I feel disconnected. Again.

      What do I do with it D: I don't have a strong "fear of missing out" anymore. I am caring less what other people are doing that I'm not doing. I feel insignificant and significant at the same time. 


      When I post and reach out...I consider it lucky if I get a typed response. And I let people's silent apathy roll over me and keep going. I need to get used to being ignored because it happens and I don't want the fear of it hinder me from trying and reaching out all the same. I struggle with this at times. It hurts most when it comes from people you know and you were communicating well prior.


      All this makes me want to just hide away and make art instead. 



      That's probably a good thing. 







      Video game shenanigans:

      • Played Versus with my bro in ARMS [now released] 
      • I actually bought mobile games today [I usually get apps or ebooks and the only other game I got was Monument Valley]!! I went over the limit and bought Monument Valley 2, Framed 2, Agent A and Warbits...I had some more on my wishlist. I want to get Ticket to Earth too one day! I'm probably biased towards visually great looking art but also a fun and/or a substantial story driven game. I also have my eye on some art apps too :0
      • Played Snipperclips!! So fun and I feel like it's such hard work to get anywhere ;D So good!! :D
      • Watched all of Yakuza 0 and Persona 5! :D
      • Finally finished Breath of the Wild last night after 188 something hours; happy and sad I did it with the best ending. I feel empty now!! Will go back to it when the 2nd DLC is out :0 What do I do now?? Wonderful and beautiful game! ^o^
      • Started playing Framed properly - it's still at the start, in which I've played during the time it was demoed at PAXAus :0




      Had a MagiKarp called HeartBroken too but I AM DONE with MagiKarp Jump as I got my nostalgic favourite Pokemon Charizard; I'm happy now :D It felt cathartic to name my magikarp after the feelings I was feeling ;) 





      MY BOI!!! I got my Charizard!! :D








      E3 2017 thoughts

      It's not mind blowing as a whole lineup but I'm quite happy from the Nintendo Direct/E3 Spotlight :D

      • Mario Odyssey [awesome song, creepy possession concept & aaahhhh watch it!!] = will play this!
      • Zelda BotW Expansion Pack 1 & 2 [intrigue with pack 2 & the amiibo money]  = will play at the end of the year
      • happy for Metroid fans for a new game & a remake game [explains why fan game AM2R was put down]
      • Mario & Luigi Super Star Saga Remake + Bowser's Minions  
      • amazing combination of powers with the power of love and friendship with 3 other players for a new Kirby game
      • Xenoblade Chronicles 2 [sword lady :0 ]
      • cute Yoshi game with coop   = will play? I haven't finished Woolly World!
      • extra glimpse of the Mario Rabbids game! Tactical Mario now! I am so confused but it’s really different haha   = will play this
      • and stuff on ARMS a bit too (:

      To me Nintendo won E3 for me as biased as I am ;D





      But non Nintendo things:

      • A Way Out looks amazing!! 
      • Evil Within trailer is spooky
      • Sea of Thieves seem interesting as with Skull and Bones
      • Tunic too
      • Dragon Ball Fighter Z wowwww
      • Bethesda E3 was weird, not great/mind blowing [to me] and jarring with BethesdaLand :S But if you were there, Bethesdaland was actually cool with thematic food?
      • Dishonored extra chapter seemed neat
      • Evil Within 2 looked visually creepy & cool though
      • Devolver Digital...I was emotionally scarred, lost, uncomfortable and sad because I didn't know what I was getting into I personally regret watching it with their attempt at parody/satire/whatever that was .___. It grossed me out :‘)



      Some cool things for Productivity!
      This was shared by someone at work so I won't take the credit: 


      I got InboxWhenReady & Send+Archive since I check my emails too much!

      I also turned off the dock icon badge too in Slack too. They help so much! :D

      • I already use Flux
      • uBlock Origin instead of AdBlock [though uBlock doesn't work anymore?]
      • and the Time Tracker Chrome extension [tracks what I do on the internet but I don't check that]
      • I used to use RescueTime but it sort of told me what I already knew. I use a lot of YouTube hahaha

      I currently use ColdTurkey [paid] to block myself from social media on a very limited schedule at home. At work I won't even log into facebook!


      ColdTurkey is amazing in that there's no way around the block once it's set and you can't uninstall it until it's over! :D



      Do try out the free version of ColdTurkey to see if it's your thing [that's what I did]: https://getcoldturkey.com/




      And no, they did not sponsor me to talk about it - I'm actually using it. Used it to keep me away from social media all this time :D






      Birthday Social media Recap:

      BurpDoodle: Joint Birthday Sibling Adventures! ^o^


      Today's my real birthday but we spoiled ourselves with food, cooking & actual cake last Saturday!


      We don't actually celebrate it as there's no parties, people, presents or whatever birthdays are supposed to be.  We don’t actually care/bother about those things for ourselves. But we figured that it's time to use it to our advantage and spend on things we usually deem as a luxury. Our birthdays are a handful of days apart so it's mashed up together by default and we appreciate each other's company as best buddies. 




      Stay indoors & relax really. Buy things for ourselves. 

      Play video games. Watch some things! [Or make art in my case]! 

      We're pretty simple. ;D
      I honestly don't expect anything from anyone since that's how it is, I've already spoiled myself in advance on Saturday and it's essentially just a normal day.
      Uhhh all the best to you all instead! <3 


      Cheesecake Coma and Rainbows! 

      Thanks @Lamaic for the recommendation! I need time to recover now haha
      Considered pretending my b'day doesn't exist [because who really cares] but I wanted to show off the glorious cake ;D I haven't bought cake for myself before!

      The gentleman serving us thought me and my bro were girls...because we wore hats? :P Had to throw away the icing topping thing with the words.
      I hate icing urk!! Too sweet!! :P


      BurpDoodle: Wonderfully special times with Lauren!! 

      She took me out for lunch on my birthday when I thought it would be just another day!!


      I usually feel indifferent and “eh I don’t need them” about birthdays since I don’t have much friends. At most I get well wishes like most people? And I don’t really hold any celebrations.


      But this year felt more special in that I’m buying cake & food to spoil ourselves! And people are extra nice to me in person with their well wishes! Gosh I don’t expect any of it and it’s brief but it’s so sweet! ^_^



      BurpDoodle: Thanks for reading my SuperListenMode comics Scott! ^o^

      Just another quick doodle as I appreciate the spontaneous chats about random things we have!








      Overall thoughts for the month


      Some Birthdays happened:
      • I didn't get facebook b'day wishes on my wall at all...wow!! Because I disabled them muhahah ;D People who actually care enough to read my posts will probably find other ways or actually comment anyway. It made things manageable too!! ^o^
      • instead of social media posts from people and acquaintances I barely talk to, I got some people coming up to me and saying well wishes to me in person!! Gosh!! It felt so sweet!
      • Plus I got 12 fb special bday messages! Tweets and a few emails too!! A life record for me!! :0 More brief and sweet general "happy birthday" messages but considerably manageable!
      • I thought I was indifferent about birthdays. Hey I still won't expect anything on birthdays! But now I feel good about making sure I treat myself every once in a while and appreciate & allow others to be kind to me. Gosh that's so cheesy to say but thank you <3 
      • To be fair, I just ate food with my brother for our joint birthday and had lunch with Lauren but that's more than what I usually have. (: Nothing big, just more meaningful 1 to 1 quality time!
      • I'm just very grateful to be surrounded by the handful of friends and acquaintances I have!! :D

      Suddenly this happened ;___;
      So cute & wonderfully animated by the incredible Kalonica!! ^o^
      I am so honoured to have her as my friend ;____;




      Other things
      • I have revived my old fun & inspiration blog here http://fun.leonieyue.com packed with animated shorts, art & silly things I find :D
      • Thanks for allowing me to act like a silly child without judgement ;) Maybe I'm just tired of holding everything in, just to be taken seriously, tired of trying to not make a fool out of myself and tired of hiding who I am...regardless of who's watching :') It's sort of scary but I'm growing! Do tell me if I'm crossing any lines :0 
        • In person though, I definitely do stay reserved with people I don't know well...I need to warm up to people very slowly with quality bonding time. 
      • I have made plans up to the year 2022 on my calendar on the general things I'd want to learn!! I also want to go to Japan one day after their Olympics and hopefully Nintendo Land will be done ;)
      • This blog post took several days to do too! :')
      • My blog was called the "fun grit progress" blog. HAHAHAHA I'll take it ;D
      • It was referred to as such but I was also called "Leoniey" in this email...they wanted me to demo their app in preparation of their indiegogo and utilise my "audience". 
        • I replied, asking what I *really* get out of this and what's actually required of me. Never heard from them again at the time of writing! It shows they didn't really read into my name or what I do :') 
      • Why are people reading this blog at all? Apparently people are and I'm having more traffic than before?? :I 
        • It used to be 50 views each post...now it's over a hundred to a couple of hundred. It's not much compared to others but it's double and more to me! 
        • I've been doing this so long and I was happy with 25-50 and now my expectations are raised...oh noes! The pressure is on! Eh I'll still be just typing to myself anyway :P
        • Hello mysterious stranger...I would assume that 1-2 people actually read though haha!
      • Using twitter less by blocking myself most of the day - oh yeahhh ;)


      Talking about my own art so far
      Back while I was struggling as a freelancer, I was told that my art seemed to suit the indie game scene despite me being drawn to the feats of animation, comic, concept art and illustration industries...ultimately I just want to find some place my art can be brought to life.

      At the moment it shall be the cute and silly Mighty games!! ;D

      I asked if people were keen about SuperListenMode stickers but as I said above, probably 5-7 people expressed interest? I'm not going to bother with it for now but I have noted what a few people wanted though and saved it away!

      I do want to push this envelope and get better at many other things because I'm restless! 

      Going to focus on learning and studies and personal projects.
      Not saying what they are because I'm still figuring it out. 
      But I'm keeping myself busy! And being confused!





      My life at the moment
      • Probably not doing weekly personal Facebook reflection posts...something I've been trying in the past month. As I have this blog already. Perhaps every two weeks? No clue. Tempted to check fb on a monthly basis but the backlog will be too daunting to go back to :< I'll have to go with every two weeks at best! I want to keep away from Facebook but I'm still posting over there gahhh :0
      • Really tired of people who say one thing when their actions show another. As much as it is a white lie, my trust in them wanes when it becomes a pattern and they pretend they care but don't act like they care. :( Hey I've probably done it too out of politeness and being friendly but I strive not to make it a pattern and habit with the same person because it becomes a connection based on shallow lies :(
      • Getting some stress and grief at home and trying to avoid getting sick too from family :< I've had some emotional abuse, clash of values and put downs as it is growing up...I don't have them as much nowadays [since I'm not worthlessly unemployed anymore] but it does get toxic at the worse of times. My thick skin bursts when I have no more energy to block it out and I lash out. I'm not proud when these moments happen but I'm doing my best.


      Feeling like I should post on my deserted instagram but I don't know what to do with it...why are people using it??? WHY.

      Don't like posting the usual art
      so now I'm trying to use instagram
      to just put up random photos when I'm out & about ;)
      https://www.instagram.com/leonieyueart/


      I kind of feel better just sharing spontaneous photos with it.
      I'm trying to like instagram. I am :')

      Just might make me just take more photos for the fun of it, who knows!



      Gosh I don't feel like I upgraded from Junior Artist at all!
      Because I still have heaps to learn!! But yay my Mighty business cards levelled up! ^o^ I'm pretty much still a newbie...I assure you!

      If you were to ask me what I do at Mighty at the moment, I'd say I'm an artist who helps out on art for game updates, social media art, assorted art assets, learning/doing some UI, make sure I stay on track with established art styles, get & make changes according feedback and illustrate marketing art? There's still a lot of things I don't know how to do or opportunity to do yet!

      Just helping out the best I can with art things.
      And learning and figuring things out along the way. :0






      Overall words for this month:
      I'm noticing that I'm more inclined to be silly and laugh at myself in amusement at work when I'm talking to someone...who am I anymore?? I used to keep to myself and save my energy!! And in turn people are much kinder to me rather than ignore me? I must be doing something right :S I hope to keep doing my best in nurturing my small handful friendships! ^o^

      I'm also focusing on making my own fun and letting go of the notion that I need someone to make me feel happy about myself! I say this because talking and actually believing and doing it are two different things. The fact that I'm slowly better at dealing with loneliness, sadness and just enjoy doing what I do is wonderful progress for me. (:

      I think I shared a lot about myself through this blog and I don't regret at thing.

      It's still scary though...!! >.<; Especially when I don't know who you are! :< Please stay kind as I share my personal thoughts and fears here...that's all I can really say :')

      Then again, I write these for myself, grow and move on. 
      I forget a lot about it.
      Perhaps people find it helpful or not. No clue! :0
      I've done these blog posts for so long...since 2011 and I think few people I know actually read these :P 

      At best they may ask: "OH! So you still writing your blog? Or not?"
      And when this happens, I silently note to myself...they clearly don't check anything I post online either...I respect that! I probably don't check what they do anyway :P 

      I indignantly say "yes I still am!" and move on...because why waste time on something they don't care about? I still enjoy writing this blog and the reasons still haven't really changed all this time! 
      Wow...I'm actually a little proud of myself! ;)


      Generally I definitely feel I'm growing to be a happier person.
      If feels strange and freeing too.
      Just because I am staying honest with myself all the way :')

      Let's keep doing our best!
      Mysterious reader, you too!







      Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!




      This is a wrap! Thanks for reading all the way to the end! ^o^






      As a treat, here's my version of a life hack and an idea I stole somewhere:

      I screencapture comments and messages where people say meaningful nice and encouraging things and collect them into a folder. It's for emergencies - whenever I feel extremely down and alone and feel like I have no one to talk to. 

      I haven't yet checked it lately so I don't know how much I have! But so far, knowing that it exists gives me peace and encouragement to keep going ^_^


      Perhaps you'd like to try doing it for yourself! It's not for anyone to see but it's just your emergency vault of supportive things people have said! :D




      See you next month!! (:
      I'm both tired but emotionally energised!! :D


      Leonie