-->

Friday, June 2, 2017

"Changing careers is Normal, Growth & Regrets" Personal Storytime Edition with not much art [MAY2017]


Leonie's small blog island says hullo! (:

Been incredibly busy but I have not much art and stuff to show this month since I'm taking an indefinite break from BurpDoodles and I've been busy freelancing too on top of Mighty work. :S


I feel both sad and glad that I'm taking some time to reflect...what am I doing!!

    Let's go go go! Journal Time.

    Guess what I played? ;D
    This game is SO fun and I was flailing my arms everywhere and getting my own arms tangled but I had no idea what my arms were doing - I was too focused on WINNING. My bro was laughing at me.

    The only mode I don't like in the Testfire is Volleyball. But all else is pretty sweet! Intense, short and engaging gameplay with the joycons! It's a lot of carefully reading what the other people are doing before you get trapped into a corner. It was GLORIOUS when I trapped someone into a corner and completely attacked them until I won ;D Yes I lost some too because I was so slow and wasn't careful with how I used my ARMS but the fun part is that I tried! ^o^

    I hate playing as Helix...too weird for me at the moment. I played Master Mummy, Minmin, Spring Man a lot. I haven't figured out Ribbon girl. The ninja due was mehhhh for me. Looking forward to playing the other characters! :D

    CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:

      Leonie Yue's Sketchbook 

      SuperListenMode: Creative Mingling 
      It’s a matter of pushing through the doubts and insecurities and consciously back away from having them. And then there's times when you need to be assertive with what you want :S

      Do what you want anyway but know that hey, sometimes things don’t work out and feeling sad and hurt and alone about it is okay. Don't ignore and pretend that these feelings don't exist. 
      Understand where your feelings are coming from, where your boundaries are, who really has your back and take time to nurture/take care of yourself.

      Really a reminder to myself about life, socialising & friendships really :')


      SuperListenMode: Forgetting to say thank you
      I’m a terrible person ( .___. )
      Do stop me from my downplaying spiral if this happens :’)
      I forget to stop reacting that way and just appreciate the kind person in front of me until it's too late :'(

      SuperListenMode: Clothes Shopping Pt 2
      When you’re actually buying :0


      And then there's laundry to consider 

       SuperListenMode: Opinions yeahhh
      I keep quiet because I don’t want to engage in a debate to do with my feelings about something haha ;D

      Because on an objective and logical level I probably agree with you on many points...because rarely anything is perfect. On a rational level...I will probably "lose". 

      But on an emotional level, I love it. :’)

      Like Zelda & my Nintendo googles ;D 

      Well they're far from perfect so I don't disagree. There comes to a point where I get exhausted on hearing the same criticism, I don’t want it to get me down and take it personally, focus on how the good outweigh the bad and I just want to enjoy something.

      I’m just happy to play and invest time when my usual stance is not to dedicate time to much games at all.  It just helps me relive my childhood playing their games, okay? ;___; *hugs positives tightly*

      SuperListenMode: Workspace Kingdom
      This is my worldddddddd ;D

      I do get all tense, self conscious and super aware when there's people around though; headphones help...
      ...sometimes in blocking everything out :S

      Other times I'm just not listening to anything but I have them on out of habit :<


      Open workspaces are only great in that you don't feel lonely and isolated (hoy the times and life of just being a sad, solitary, unstable and lonely freelancer!) Mind you, my colleagues are wonderful, smart and very interesting!
      ...not that I participate in the conversations; I can pretend I am haha! 

      Who am I kidding; I don't talk much! :< 
      I'm too busy conserving energy to stay focused in work mode most of the time. Or I'm taking a break & melting in my chair ;D And then at the end of the work day, my energy is almost depleted - oh how do I pretend that I'm not boring... ;____;

      I need quiet, private and alone times without distractions and interruptions to be at my most productive for long periods of time. :') Energising! And then small socialising doses so I'm not too lonely and isolated ;D

      Whelp no workspace is perfect...headphones and toilet breaks it is for me haha
      SuperListenMode: Nom noms
      >:D
      I cherish the rare times of food with good company :')
      Other than art, that's what makes me happy. And video games.
      And exploring, learning and playing things :D

      But yo...yummy food!! <3 

      PS: Sleep deprivation in the past several days left me:
      • - tripping over concrete road and my glasses came off
      • - spilling my supply of chips all over the floor...nuuuu
      • - saying Mi-chicken rather than Michigan as I stumble my words
      • - eating egg/bacon muffin for temporary sustenance
      • - feeling sore all over
      • - taking naps so I can work longer into the night
      • - taking naps while standing on the train
      • - the sudden need for coffee and tea
      • - feeling tired all the time
      • - getting help from my brother haha
      • - feeling more sad than usual 
      • - being really slow and not that functional :'D
      • - more quiet than usual...or am I
      Glad that I rarely do this - DON'T do if you can help it!! 
      Time was really tight for me yet I've always worked by experimenting, thinking, sticking to a process and taking my time to do things properly with no short cuts :< 

      All part of the journey (just don't make sleep deprivation a habit! Running on 2-3 hours sleep for a handful of days is terrible - no no!) Sure you get more time but it usually doesn't work out as well as it could have and you end up unproductive wasting time anyway :<

      I'm just sleepy rambling at this point...haha

       SuperListenMode: Uh oh
      Don’t eat out much ( .___. )

      When you don't know what the menu items mean...

      and you're embarrassed but you ask..."what is this...?" like the sheltered ignorant child that I am :'D


      Still lunch dates are the way to my heart since they're so non existent & rare! ;D
      SuperListenMode: The Power that’s INSIDE

      Gotta catch’em all!

      It’s you and me.
      I know it’s my destiny!! 

      POKEMON

      Ohhhh you’re my best friend,

      in a world we must defend!! 

      POKEMON
      Ohhh our hearts so true!!
      Our courage will pull us through!
      You teach me and I’ll teach you, 

      POKEMON!

      Gotta catch’em all!

      Gotta catch’em all!

      POKEMON!

      I'm not even a Pokemon fan anymore; I only got into the early anime seasons, played Red and Gold at the time and then I moved on. The nostalgia is still there though :D


      Did a quick colour study of Pirates of the Caribbean
      to get a sense of the colours


      Bonus SuperListenMode
      Go watch Get Out!
      Thought provoking, brilliant and terrifying!

      Saw it Sunday with my bro & GOSH I don’t want to spoil anything!
      It deserves the praise it's been getting. I have nothing to nitpick. At all.

      "Run Rabbit! Run Rabbit! Run! Run! Run!..."
      Hehe do see it! And this is from someone who usually avoids horror movies! ^_^

      Not much art to show in May ;__;




        ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Changing Careers is Normal: Going with the flow & all about growing!

        During Mid May I was contacted to answer some interview questions for an Australian/New Zealand Education Publication. I've re-purposed them for the blog as well and rambled even more! :D



        What is your background? 

        I was raised and born in Melbourne with Chinese/Vietnamese parents with a Chinese [Guangzhou] heritage.

        I'm currently in my late twenties like an old person. Goodbye that 30 under 30 award stuff eventually; not that it really matters! I'm just doing what I do selfishly, I'm not doing things to please other people or generously giving to the community :0

        Hey I'm actually doing a creative career and that's awesome; I'm not here for awards and public recognition ;D I don't expect them at all since there are always people who are much more awesome than me.
        Anyway, I started this creative career late and only got into a studio job in 2016. And who really cares about people who started late? There's probably a lot of us but we seem to be undetected otherwise :0

        I went to an all girls Catholic School (but I wasn't Catholic) which arguably explains my complete terrible-ness with people who I don't know and are male. 

        Call it ultra shy or simply scared/uncertain with the line between friendship and anything beyond. ;D And it's not that I can relate to people too much in general; always felt like a follower or an outcast in the later high school years! Essentially I lived in the study room for exams and what not and didn't spend time with the friend group I follow around. Usually I am just not interested in what people were doing then. It was lonely. 
        And I graduated high school at 2005.

        I drew things for people back then :')
        But like always I forget what I made haha


        What did you choose to study/do when you left school?

        These questions seemed geared towards even younger people rather than me.
        I think it's easier to just list out what I've done: 
        • 2006 - 2009 I studied University level Mathematics, a minor in computer science and Secondary High School Teaching - a 4 year double degree in Science and Education (Secondary). 
          • Mathematics with integrals, differentiation, chaos theory and Object Oriented Programming were all hard for me...a lot of it was forcing myself to learn them and keep going at it until I felt that I did the best I could. I couldn't do it on my own without looking at how others did it :( A huge struggle but I was really stubborn and wanted to make this work - rather than face the possibility that a creative career was actually possible.
          • There was Recreational Mathematics and that was fun!
          • Studying how to learn and teach was interesting but I wasn't that kind of person who can boundlessly give to students - I failed at a placement and I was forced to do another at another school. I was clearly unhappy, not good at the job and was disinterested with my life and my chosen career.
          • Hey before this I made art with a mouse :D
          • I started using deviantArt GOSH
        • 2010 I did my first year of Secondary Teaching, teaching Mathematics to Year 8, 9, 10 and 11 among other things. 
          • I have so much leftover printouts of Maths homework now ;D
          • I carried all my teaching things in my suitcase...a lot of stuff to bring from class to class
          • I did get a muffin as a goodbye present from a couple of kind students :') I thought most of my students hated me because how incompetent I was.
          • I won't go into the negatives here because there's more in depth stories on this in the Hermit Burpcast and because I don't want to remember them and how trapped and burnt out I felt.
        • 2011 I attempted Emergency or Replacement Teaching and Mathematics Tutoring with further terrible experiences. 
          • I had enough. And jumping through hoops with Centrelink a handful of times runs your self worth in society into the ground. Being poor really makes you feel like dirt but you appreciate people who still show you kindness regardless of who you are :')
          • My grip on pretending I can still "teach" is loosening up and I started to look for something else I can do. Not sure if I mentioned it but I had a breakdown/emotional outburst/family argument when I had to argue for this change of direction. "HAH you said you wanted to be a teacher, what a terrible failure! You're going to fail here too! No one hires creative people! There's no jobs! Have you even checked?? There's nothing!" Boils my blood a bit even now.
          • I considered Graphic Design many times but I was truly not interested in doing corporate branding. And anything to do with entertainment art seems like world impossible to me. I was told that I will be poor and I will fail from the beginning if I did. As a timid, scared soul I didn't want to go for it and prove them right .___.
          • Well I had nothing and I was keen to pick myself up and actually have a go at *something* creative.
          • I started this blog!! ;D
        • 2012 I studied a Swinburne Graduate Diploma in Multimedia to learn Web, Image Editing, User Experience Design and Project Management - I was still thinking on doing the "next best thing" rather than directly do Art.
          • I did not like learning Javascript and it was the only topic I didn't do as great at ;D
          • Illustration was a "no" to me at the time because I knew I wasn't good enough...and I keep missing out on submission deadlines for their courses because I was unaware of them
          • I was under the tutelage of Brooke Maggs back then too :D
          • Here it was when I first tried making design-esque things with Photoshop and Illustrator (not just in high school anymore) - since all I had were bootlegs or GIMP or Inkscape ;D
        • 2012 July to 2013 I wasn't happy with the course due to how generalised it was so I changed and studied at AIE in the Advanced Diploma of Screen and Media (Animation & Visual Effects) to learn about Art and Animation. 
          • Consequently me and my team created a graduate short film that got into 8 animation festivals including the Melbourne International Animation Festival in 2014 
          • Would I recommend it? I don't know the current place or culture now so I can't say. There wasn't that much females back then and I don't know how it is now.
          • All I know is that I had to strive to work with people who wanted to do well and their best at it and keep away from people who don't, keep focused on learning and make sure you find teachers who actually act to support you. Gotta work hard! I'm not here to make friends when I don't feel genuine!!
          • Even as I was doing this course...I truly expected not getting a job from it because of how low recruitment rates are and I really didn't know where I fit in. I was dreading graduation because it meant reality and unemployment will hit my face and I really didn't enjoy "putting myself out there" in person. I was already feeling like a failure but I wanted to do it anyway because I was finally doing something creatively - however bad at it I was.
          • I was still figuring myself out (hey I still am)!
        • 2014 to 2015 I kept learning with no stable income. I freelanced on the couple of concept art and illustration jobs where I could. I kept going with my own projects & studies (and documented it here so if you're *that* interested...it's here!) even when it felt hopeless, lost and confusing. 
          • I tried "putting myself out there" but each time I set out to "let's try to make friends!!" I felt sad and just making kind acquaintances at best along the way. Usually nothing happens and it's just not feeling I belong anywhere (a running theme of my life). I didn't like it, I didn't like feeling desperate for friendship so I sort of gave up.
          • I learned that people are putting me in the category of "game art" and I don't know why since I didn't even study that ;D But I get to be creative and have fun with it so I'm good! 
          • I felt like swimming in a bottomless pit of instability, doom and loneliness
          • Originally I was setting out to do pretty illustration jobs but I'm more of a drawer than a painter at the moment. I hope to change this one day. I want to do all the creative things! :D
        • 2016 to present I still don't know the full extent of why: I'm suddenly part of Mighty now even when I was rejected at the interview for a different role :') People have asked me how I got the job...but apparently I'm good even though I'm inexperienced?? You'd have to interrogate my colleagues or something to make sure ;)
          • I don't really go out to regular events anymore because at the end of work I'm usually out of energy at the end of the day...I need to nap on the train ;D Look, I'm not sociable when my energy needs to be saved for work and life as it is :'D
          • Even now my family/relatives don't know what I'm doing aside from people around my age ;D What? Mobile games huh?? GAH I give up.
        I've omitted a lot more things but you can read to your heart's content by looking through this blog for more details from 2011 onwards.


        What is it you do currently? 
        2016 to now, I now learn and work as a games and concept artist at Mighty Games! I also make personal SuperListenMode comics and post art when I can. Struggling with vector art and I want to learn moreee. I need more time haha



        What made you decide to make a change in career/work? 
        Because I had enough of burning out in a career of Secondary Teaching in which I had no passion for. My stubbornness and optimistic belief that teaching was a possible career for me, wore down. My sense of self worth and respect had run dry because I wasn't doing what I enjoyed, working with people whom I did not relate or connect with and I was not good at managing classrooms of teenagers either due to my introverted and reserved personality. 

        I chose teaching because it was the next best thing to the traditional "stable and safe" career that is/was apparently Accounting. It was my late mother who wanted me to do Accounting and I did give it a go at Year 12 without Year 11 but I can't force myself to actually do a university course - as much as my Year 12 results were okay the subject itself was so boring and I didn't care about it at all. 

        I broke down and was incredibly upset when students tell me that I was a terrible teacher and when the only good thing I'm competent in was Mathematics to my colleagues and principal. I was sad, pessimistic and grew increasingly detached and pretended things were okay until my contract ended. I felt isolated and they're trying to kick me off the bus. I felt a mixture of sadness, acceptance and resignation. I knew I didn't want to be there anyway.

        I fought a losing battle when I attempted emergency teaching and almost broke into tears when students were pushing my buttons. Again I felt incompetent and I felt that I was wasting everyone's time. A lot of shame and hopelessness was felt. My heart wasn't in it.

        I resolved to finally change things and learn art seriously at the time, even though I wasn't sure where I will end up - as you could see in my journey/timeline above. I no longer want to tolerate doing things I don't believe in and not passionate about anymore. I don't want to waste time anymore and have even more regrets.



        What challenges/pressures did you face when making the change? 
        Traditional relatives and my father and my late mother pressure/d me to *not* do art for a living all this time so the conditioning was also another thing I had to overcome. There was a lot of shame and "Oh you are doomed to fail" and "You're wasting time on your dreams" mentality and "Look at this person, they failed and quit the creative career anyway" comparison going on. 

        I believed them for a long time and I felt really trapped and hopeless. Being constantly compared to how other people my age were doing with their lives was unhelpful looking back. I don't care if they're making lots of money, traveled the world, have married, have kids, have a house, have adult things in their lives. I hated the comparison game; it made me feel worthless.

        I was lost and didn't know what I wanted to do exactly as a career with drawing/art. You could say that I was a really late wallflower. I still am and learning. ;D What am I doing???

        I went from course to course (and I'm still learning now on my own terms) as I searched for specific things I wanted to do. It was a challenging time full of frustration, confusion and soul searching. 

        Dwelling frequently at times on whether I should do Graphic Design as a career even though I hated doing it on a business/corporate level.

        Knowing that I will struggle and will be unemployed until my artwork is good enough for someone's project. I always wondered if I'll ever be good enough. Hey I still don't feel good enough but I do my best anyway ;D

        Knowing that I might not get anywhere and the shame you bear when you feel like a financial burden on society and family.

        Proving to Centrelink that you need financial help was an aspect to that too; have to keep being frugal. It's another huge: "hey you're not good enough to do this creative art thing because you're not making money". Oh when you're poor you can afford to have extra curricular activities anyway.

        I was an introverted, reserved soul so I struggled and still do with "networking" or rather connecting on a genuine level with other people in the creative industry. Marketing, socialising and putting myself out there is difficult for me, especially in person. It only got slightly better because I'm actually enjoying what I'm doing right now.



        Do you find your current situation/role rewarding and why? 
        A definite yes because I get to learn about things out of my comfort zone in game art [hah vector art, hullo!] and also do art/illustration/design that I enjoy too! A lot of juggling and learning but I get to do it at my own pace with incredible, smarter and supportive colleagues (: 
        Well during the rare moments I get to talk to anyone that is ;D

        Sure it's a struggle at times as I learn things but as I said, I'm actually creating things for a living and I'm going to make the most of it!! ;____; 



        Can you offer any advice for students worried about finding the "right" career for them? 

        It's okay if you don't know what to do as a career. I used to stress about it too, so if you are...that's normal. It's hard when you have many interests or you have no idea what your interests are. And it's hard when you don't know what you're good at yet in which you can offer to the world. And sometimes interests should stay as interests.

        Allow yourself to be uncertain. For a long time. Indefinitely. Embrace these feelings. It means you're doing something new, exciting, risky and scary.

        It's a hard ask (I know!) but it's better to focus on what you can do rather than what you can't control. Allow yourself to experience the fears for a while if it helps and then stop yourself and let it pass over you.

        What do you want your life to become in 5 years? 10 years? 
        What will a day of your life be like then? 
        What do you see yourself doing? 
        Stable income or a life with your own business? 
        What sorts of people will be in your life? Holidays? Family? Housing? 

        If you were to die in 5 years, what would you do to that will give your life meaning, enjoyment and satisfaction and serves others you care about?

        Or to phrase it another way:
        If money wasn't a thing, what would you do anyway with your time? 
        What value can YOU give to the world?
        What are you actually good at? Your hard earned skills?

        It's not about what the world can give you as this tough article says.
        It's about what YOU can give the world.

        YES passion is important in that it will drive you when you suck. When you are so terrible at something but you still want to do it so badly. You love it. You don't care how bad you are at it. You don't care if you suffer for it. It means a lot to you and you want to get there. At this point, you're NOT ready to be a working professional with the top jobs immediately however. It's something to work towards, yes!! Act professional - please do!! Just know that you're not the only one who loves what you want to do.

        Passion alone doesn't cut it. Chasing your dreams alone doesn't cut it.
        Are you working hard at earning your way to be able to do what you enjoy?
        It's a constant cycle of proving to yourself and others that you can do it. 

        What is your own voice...what makes you different from the others? What have you done previously that has shown you are up to the task? The thing you really want to do? Are you willing to do tiny jobs or simply personal projects just for the sake of learning and work your way up there? Or shoot for the stars and see how far you land! Take risks if you're daring but don't kill your own love and passion during the process! Protect it.

        Hey. You will change your career several times in your lifetime. I've heard 4-5 times was the average when it was 2005. So who knows what the average number is now, given how many jobs gets created that haven't been made yet. And probably more with jobs! 


        Just get started on the best thing you're excited or at least good at doing, that you believe in, in which people have a demand for and go and evolve your career direction from there. Sometimes that career doesn't work out. That's okay. You change careers then! I've done it and survived ;D

        Live a life you're excited about within and/or outside of your career.
        Something that's meaningful to you. Try all sorts of things!

        There's nothing wrong with doing what you enjoy as a hobby either, without the stress and pressure of making it a professional career to serve others.

        Just start. 

        Don't wait around because the world won't. 

        Don't wish for things to land on your lap because it won't. 

        Get out there [even if you're terrible, take it in stride] and know that you need to find the balance between what you enjoy doing, what you're good at and what will actually make you money. Sometimes you don't really enjoy it at the first handful of years of doing it because you're still proving yourself and finding your place in the industry. Do not expect everything to be 100% fun all the time because when it's a career, it's a matter of getting things done like a professional - not because you didn't have fun!

        If something is really not working out that is okay too. You did your best. 
        It's not the end of the world.

        You will probably have to take other jobs to keep yourself financially stable in the meantime and that is completely normal and necessary as you stay focused on your ideal career. You need to survive. No one said it was easy, especially in an industry many people want to be part of.

        There is no one "right" career for you. Sometimes the career you're working towards doesn't work out and isn't feasible right now and you need to pick yourself up again and change it. Perhaps you'll get back to it later in life. Or perhaps you'll quit for good so what you enjoy doesn't associate itself with stress and the pressure of a professional working life. 
        Or you stick to it through thick and thin. 

        Ultimately it depends on how badly you want it to be part of your life. And if you're not sure yet, then keep exploring a different or the same path! 

        Speaking of a lesson from my Teaching Career period = People don't respect those who don't respect themselves. :')

        I still don't know where I'm going because I focus on learning, the journey and doing the best I can with the present. I'm just going to do my best at Mighty really as usual ^o^ 

        I'm not fixated on the destination and results as much. Things don't end up as you'd expect them to and rejection, disappointment, and sadness are normal - this is okay. 

        Don't pretend the feelings aren't there because they will come back if you bottle it up away. You will fail and each time you will embrace your feelings and pick yourself up to try again. Use this as fuel! This is because failure is not really failure - you're learning in the process so you can do better next time. True Failure is when you quit completely because you've given up on what you believe in.

        Know that there is always people worse off than you and people way better than you. Stay humbled and know that the more desirable an industry is, the more competitive and difficult it is to get in and started. I've been on the outside, looking in for far too many years. Even now I'm not 100% if I've made it due to how many things I've yet to learn. 

        Again, always get more perspectives and learn about their contextualised experiences from different people rather than just follow one person's footsteps. What works for you may probably not work for you because you are not them. You need to forge your own path onto your own two feet eventually. 

        You can't really copy what someone else does because it probably might not work for you and your situation. I firmly believe in forging your own path but that's just me and my biases. Again, you need to form your own perspective and believe in yourself. You cannot expect someone else to do the work for your own life.

        Ultimately trust in yourself that you can do it. Make sure you're surrounded by people who support and believe in you too because it would really bring you further down during your lowest points and struggles. For me I cannot since I cannot change family but it's something I tolerate on a daily basis - I don't have that luxury. So if you can help it, do make sure you have a support network to lean on during the difficult times (and you for others).  

        Don't give up on yourself. 
        You do make a difference to the people around you (:

        Stay strong and fierce!
        You don't have to listen to me either ;D
        Who am I anyway.
            








        The past Month of May: Recap and Thoughts on Regrets!

        A dot point list of what happened:
        • Being terrible at vector art during Mighty work time :'( I am so ashamed!! How do I force myself to liking the process more :< 
        • Been busy working on secret things on Framed 2 with Loveshack - humbled and grateful that a kind soul recommended me and I did not foresee this happening at all :0 Ended up burning out though due to a deadline and me not wanting to take short cuts! I got it on time and they've been wonderful to work with and are actually more flexible with deadlines than I am upon myself and my silly pride :< Oh learning! And to not neglect the importance of sleep if I can help it! 
        • I watched some movies...future BurpDoodles/SLM maybe!
        • Realising all the effort on videos aren't that worth it in the long run? Figuring out other ideas for videos...one day
        • Because of freelancing...I really cut myself off from facebook much more :0
        • Trying to figure out how to do all the things I want to do during June 
        • Started playing Snipperclips - I LOVE IT SO CUTE AND FUN AND I TALKED A LOT (gasp!!)
        • Chatting with one person at work occasionally; yay! I talked with people at work a few times gasp!! :D The rare exceptions and doesn't happen by default but still! Honestly I don't want to expect anything though as I'm just here to work...a lot of back to square one sometimes where you just don't know people that well, neither party is that invested and that's okay :')
        • playing testfire of ARMS I guess!
        • Feeling even more that: the older I am the more different I am from other people my age as they're in different stages of their lives :< Then again, I never felt like I truly fit in anywhere or bothered to - ever since the time my high school classmates talked about dating experiences haha and I'm just a quiet ignorant one even then .___.



        Reflecting on the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying
        So to reflect according to the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying (the book) they are:


        ONE: Wish I 'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
        Well one of my main regrets was when I was teaching as a career and feeling complete hopelessness with my own future back then. Why did I make myself believe that it would be okay when my heart isn't in it at all :( Why did I do teaching at all! I feel so weak and so eager to do the "right" thing for my family and relatives.

        I'm not 100% free of living a life true to myself since I have my immediate family yet I have no desire to "leave the nest" without a compelling reason that it will improve my current way of life. I do wonder if this is a hindrance in itself to be able to live truly upon my own two feet versus living with a brother you care about.


        TWO: I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
        Haha. Occasionally I feel this. But I enjoy my work too much...!
        Usually it does feel like work (no career is 100% perfect contentment) and other times you just get lost into it and lose track of time :')
        I work hard because at the moment...that's all I have in semi-control with life right now :'( 

        I can't control friendships and other people so I busy myself with work. I don't want to change myself for others, just for the sake of not being lonely. I want to spend time with people who feel mutual and who understands how I'm not wired like most people. I engage best with 1 to 1 conversations but as soon as more people come in, I change to SuperListenMode :')

        I do feeling ultra glad whenever I do take a break from working and it's awesome. I am getting better at it slowly and occassionally :D Just going off to the movies with my bro for one thing this month ;D

        Working hard is probably my shield from investing in people for connection .__.
        But arting is so satisfying...:'D


        THREE: I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
        THIS. I don't do it especially when it comes to crushing on someone. When you barely talk to them with seemingly little in common - it's hard to feel like you're on equal footing with someone you don't know that well and whether they're unavailable or not. Too scared to do anything direct!! Usually I just feel and assume that it's not mutual so I keep it to myself and bottle it in. But I tend to act either friendly or indifferent depending on how brave I am oh noes!!

        And then they'd probably find someone and I get even more heartbroken.

        I hate it as it shows that my heart is lonely and it's now making up imaginary and impossible daydreams with someone that you've made more important in your mind that it should be. I feel silly when the interest, attraction, chemistry and companionship isn't there and yet the lonely heart still clutches on :')  

        All my life, I haven't found the right person beyond crushing and being scared and indirect...especially when I haven't had much of a social life. At best it's being silly and playful [some shy form of flirting and/or being friendly] and that's where the interest all stops. 

        I strive to learn and have an awesome and meaningful life and I want someone incredible whom I can grow together with - through life. Sure I'm way behind on life skills and many other things...maybe there's someone who understands and whom I can understand back with all of our flaws and positive traits!

        The need for compatibility, companionship, chemistry and physical attraction - and effort on all parties to make a relationship work. I'm really just talking out from a philosophy standpoint as I have no experience :< Respect, trust and honesty are very important to me too. 

        Plus I'm probably too scared to start anything directly too because I have been brought up that dating men is a distraction to my studies and career since high school for better or worse. :') 

        I guess the fear of rejection, attachment and abandonment is a thing for me too at times. There are times that I feel that the person is WORTH the possible pain of rejection/abandonment and I try little things each time :) Usually I need to be open, warmed up and comfortable with someone first though with trust and respect hehe - a cycle of hope and despair in the end.

        Accepting the likely possibility I'm going to die alone. And being okay with this weird feeling of heart broken loneliness and hopefulness at the same time. I mean, I've been feeling this all my life right? It's the pain that I do know. 

        Just break my own heart instead. 
        I've always been alone relationship-wise. 
        I have no experience in this. 

        It still hurts nonetheless.

        I still have hope but I know inaction due to fear doesn't do anything!


        FOUR: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
        I don't know about this. I usually end up losing interest with friends I feel have drifted away into a different stage of life (family, housing, kids, parenting, marriage, industry different from my own, relationships). I end up not having a peer group for emotional support. Well I'm here rambling to myself on my isolated blog island at least! :') Sometimes personal facebook posts help!

        But facebook is such a terrible way to build connection on its own. :<


        FIVE: I wish that I had let myself be happier.
        I'm getting better at this :D I strive to stay positive.
        But I also allow myself to feel sadness, hurt, insecurity, disappointment, rejection and any other negative feelings so I can get them out of my system. I won't pretend to be happy when I'm not. I will be kind and patient with myself when I feel these fears and believe in myself that things will be okay. :')

        Hugs are a bonus! ;D


        On making art.
        I reminded myself that I want to make art or be part of a project that people would want to feel proud to buy! I want to make cool art!!

        And then I want to make art that's quick and silly during the other times ;D

        As to the details of this...I'm still soul searching...



        Feeling tired.
        Tired yo! And really tired of feeling terrible, energy drained and how self conscious I am with people. Possibly not that fun around people.
        WRAH

        I'm so done with this feeling. But it always comes back :<

        Why should I care about what others think?
        I do sometimes but I don't act on it and I pretend I don't care ;D

        I keep quiet and do my own thing anyway. Stuff that feeling that I need to impress other people by being good at conversation *sniff sniff* :'D


        So do I regret anything? Yep. 
        I means that I made mistakes and learned things (:
        And it also means I have a long way to go.

        As a growing and learning person, it's how it should be.

        Always.






        Now you have a go in your own personal and private time if you like and reflect on the 5 regrets!
        Have a think about it in this moment in time in your life.
        You have grown since and these regrets aren't particularly new News! (:

        I hope it gives you some perspective - as long as you've been honest with yourself. But again, what do I know? ;D






        Thanks for reading! Keep adventuuuring you!

        This has been a shameful and light blog post full of the usual rambling!

        I do feel terrible a bit but I know I need this break from posting BurpDoodles regularly like a Hamster in a ball.
        Soul searching continues!

        Striving to keep learning in June! :D

        Do take care you special soul who actually reads through these posts!!


        This daredevil seagull birb to finish the post! ;D



        Leonie