-->

Friday, February 5, 2016

Thwip! In goes my arrows (Linkle) // Fanart & HermitBurp Introspection on Despair and Resilience [JAN 2016 Part 2]

Leonie's small blog island says hullo! (:

Ah two blog posts for January! 

But this time it really is about what happened during January. 
Hence why I've pushed it forward to be published in Feb.

First Friday for every month from now on! Wee!

    Let's go crazy! Journal Time.

    Thwip! In goes my arrows | I tinkered a bit with Linkle's design
    Morbid title? Maybe! Fun fact, she was originally designed to be Link's sister.
    And she still has an obvious "I'm Link's little sister/My name is Aryll" vibe. So adjusted her design so she's more older looking (late teens/early twenties) with a more calmer and confident aura.
    Like many others I still don't like Linkle's name and I'd rather call her Rinku ;D


    CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:


    Year 3, Month 1 (January)

      Leonie Yue's Sketchbook 

      Woo Link in Zelda's costume & a cheerleader costume!
      I actually wear the Zelda costume most of the time. (:
      Online Multiplayer aye?
      Includes people throwing you to your death
      And insisting Links stand at matching coloured Triforce panels
      And spamming the thumbs up emoticon while deliberately killing themselves >:
      Doppels are spoooky! 
      Okay this the last Triforce Heroes fanart for a long time!
      I had to get it out of my system as much as this game is a mixed bag of good and bad.
      They're still adorable and some of their outfits are cool.
      The Mistress, Queen of Evil & Time Lady
      The old fashioned sadistic, manipulative and bananas Missy :D
      Can I say her hair was SO FUN to draw? And I was blown away when the official Doctor Who tumblr reblogged it :0

        I guess her head is chopped off; oh well | Art Study
        Putting to use Kristy's stash of old fancy magazines she gave me a year ago for reference (Thank you)! Recycling them when I'm done, one at a time as I don't want to hoard too many things. :0
        Linkle BurpDoodle
        Here's the official Hyrule Warriors Design, haha
        Happy Go Lucky Adventurous and Courageous Little Sister in my eyes! 
        I'm playing around; yes I know her eyes are teal blues ;P 
        Dwelling in the past | Art study
        Let's go forward instead!
        We all die in the end | Art study
        One life is all you got | Art studies
        And going into dark places when I think:
        whoa this is what everyone looks like under their skin D:
        Some kind of Superstar | Art studies
        She had really pretty long shiny hair while showcasing business fashion
        BurpDoodle gift for a kind silver fox
        Whelp that's my terrible attempt at drawing a fox
        I drew this in charcoal on terrible paper, took a photo and made it look a bit better D:
         Train people and made up ones too
        More train people and loud laughing cute kids
        People BurpDoodles | Art studies
        Here are some people & my flaky pen = it doesn't work sometimes
        Jesse Cox at Secret Hitler
        So much fun watching the Secret Hitler board game with TotalBiscuit, Genna, Cry, Maggie, etc and Jesse Cox on stream; shouting, mind games, insults double crossing, all the lies, accusations, jokes - wonderful :D! 
        Jesse is terribly good at this game. I don't know if I'll personally be good at it because I'm just going to be the quiet, mysterious one who's going to end up being the scrapegoat :0
        Did you miss these? I did. ;) Making sure I do these regularly again.
        “I give up!!” Roller Derby Character Design. 
        There are times when you just want to let it all out.
        And eventually get up again. (: 

        After much deliberation, this is my first leap at trying out the Character Design Challenge. I'm one of those many lurkers since the beginning that finally decided to make something. I tackled this twice at least because I was learning! Fun learning was had. It's not really a competition as this group is super huge, it's a matter of personal taste from the judge(s), organisers try their best to tone down the value of popularity contests through facebook likes and overall it's difficult to keep up with. There's 40,000+ people there. :0 
        Loads of cool designs, poses and illustrations there and many of them had fast speedy and awesome flashy poses though! I've got much to improve on.

        Mmmm I love a good Smash <3
        Bayonetta released in Smash yesterday! :D
        Had to finish this quickly for the day!







        ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


        HermitBurp Introspection: hullo Sadness & Resilience

        Been feeling sad and introspective in the past month. 

        Oh! The Despair! *extreme dramatic music* haha

        Gosh my Analytical Thoughts! It got dangerously self-depreciating.
        And my rambling; I just need to let it out. (:



        Before you consider reading this long essay:

        Note most of the following in the default black font has been written up to mid January, before I knew about my working full time at Mighty Games (for however long it might be).
        Was in shock for several days because I didn't believe that they'd be an opportunity for me. The excitement didn't kick in until closer to the date as I was deep in denial. Hopefully feelings of novelty and excitement will eventually wear off as I must make the most of my time there and work hard! :D 

        Terribly grateful for the opportunity!
        And the people are so generously wonderful! :D


        Again from social media: Thank you so much to all of you who supported me, pushed me to get out there & try things even during times I lacked the courage and confidence to! Thank you to the supportive, ninja lurkers! Even those who told me to give up completely & do something else because that made my stubbornness stronger. 

        My first studio experience as a Junior Artist!! :0 Ahhh

        I am excited to learn and work together with cool people to make games happen
        Get a taste at working at a studio, eat lunch...outside(!), and actually have a normal business hours sort of schedule. I'm going to make the most of my time, have fun, learn and help out with projects the best I can! 

        Shall learn a lot more about game development, 3D & vector art and getting back into teamwork again! I'll keep doing 2D art, freelancing and personal projects on the side. 


        Who knows when I'm going back to living the Hermit Freelance Life in the distant future. All the same, I'm keeping most of my rambling below about my Hermit struggles intact. 

        It's part of the journey and part of my growth as a person!  

        Additional & recent comments will be in italics in this colour.



        Okay here comes my Hermit Life thoughts & struggles:



        Despite my default deadpan face, I'm pretty laid back and generally positive about things. I stress that positive things happened in the past month!

        Bear with me as I was having one of those times where you question and doubt yourself. Doing this and articulating feelings face on helps me gain clarity and learn more about myself.

        I'm not hiding all this away because this is all part of the journey. 
        You don't have to read of course!

        Personal it may be, I'm also keeping specifics vague for the sake of privacy. 

        I must also add a big thank you to Kristy for the timely catch up chat, kind ear, her brutally honest and different perspective and kick to the butt! I'll credit her perspective where needed (:



        What Sadness? Oh silly thoughts.
        Realising that I'm putting too much care in some people who are really acquaintances and strangers so now I end up feeling disappointed in myself for ever hoping even some form of vague connection. I realise how insignificant I am to them as they are to me; I don't really know them beyond their online image/persona/polite presence and vice versa. 

        "Oh what is online friendship when the foundational trust, familiarity & shared experiences isn't even there and circumstances rarely lend themselves for development?" And then this in-explainable sadness comes in. 

        I wonder about my existence, feeling invisible and all that isolation and the loneliness hits me. That infamous despair when you feel you're going nowhere. 

        I wonder what I could have done after the fact. 
        And then I remind myself that I think too much and this happens to everyone.
        I keep such thoughts to myself knowing that it's out of my control and I need to get out of being so self focused. 

        Each time it happens, I take time, some personal space, learn to let it go and focus on the present. Keep myself occupied! Dwelling or assuming things doesn't help. If things aren't naturally working out right now, hey there's next time or someone else. When I'm ready, I just wish others happiness and that they keep doing their own thing. :D

        However feeling the sadness/mixed feelings and letting that out through something healthy is very important too. Bottling it up builds resentment.

        What's healthy? Private journals, have some fun times doing your favourite things (self care), professional therapy or talking to someone you trust! 

        I daresay these are reminders to myself!



        My loneliness is my fault: 
        I am a Hermit who depends on online ways to connect with others therefore I'm not fully investing in people. I'm not reaching out and I'm not really the person people turn to. 

        I completely understand that the root cause is my choice to be a hermit. 
        Me and myself alone. 

        Do I just want friends for the sake of not feeling lonely? 
        And yet I usually stay my hermit cave and learn & art away? 

        Kind of stubborn there, Leonie. You've embraced solitude. It's clear that you value learning art and making things more than anything else for better or for worse. 

        Yeah I'm crazy in that I enjoy one focus at a given moment of time. 
        I'm not saying that solely in a dismissive way.



        Underlying fears with connecting beyond acquaintances  
        If I were to go even deeper, I probably possess the fear of investing and committing into anyone new as friends because the underlying fear of being let down and disappointed. 

        Or I'm just not stepping outside of the polite and usual responses I give in interactions (plus lack of social practice!) Or it could be as simple as not really good at finding anything in common to talk about. I tend to zone out into quietness and internal thoughts rather than focus on engaging the other person.

        Anyhoo, many people agree that if it's not mutual then move on. (:
        Time is scarce after all & respecting personal space is important! Or perhaps there will be another, better time to get to know each other. 

        You've probably sensed that sort of thing too, perhaps too many times as you get older. 

        I just fear that I might be moving on and putting up my own barriers too early to the point that I've missed out on potential friendships. Other times I am the one with the barriers that need letting down. Case by case basis as they say.

        Most of us judge upon first impression (easy & comfortable method of pigeon holing people) and we are wired to work from there. For example, it's difficult for me to break out of the "quiet invisible awkward artist in the background" mould. 

        Aye, either I'm friendly when I actually anticipate social interactions, or I just take ages to warm up to people or I'm simply not interested, need some personal space and not ready. Ahhh human behaviour.

        Yes I do need some social interaction practice...at my own pace haha :0



        What about starting from Social Media to connect?
        Okay...so I'm an isolated and disconnected, socially awkward hermit for the most part. Do note that I'm not talking about using social media as a business and for the likes/favourites/popularity voting/statistics - because the numbers alone are not even accurate and it traps you into a cycle of seeking validation from others for self worth. As much as I am happy that peers like what I post, believing in yourself and your progress is a better focus!

        Here I'm talking about social media on a personal level. For me it's more of a talking into the void: "hey, I made stuff", or "this is what I'm up to", or "that looks cool/amazing, I shall like this or even comment" or "I'll talk about things and maybe you'd like to join in too". The underlying reason why most of us use social media; to connect with like-minded friends and people. Or we're probably not bothered/too busy to catch up in person...oh technology these days.

        Sure I'm managing ok at using social media but I'm feeling quite alienated from it sometimes as it doesn't compare with in-person interaction. And I don't know about Skype but unexpected and unscheduled phone calls & online chats are scary to me! 

        And then there's fears of being seen as a narcissist or looking like I'm rude but rationally I know I'm just trying to minimise distraction, avoid interruptions and social media overwhelm.

        I've been in the process...or rather ongoing struggle at accepting my weaknesses and in turn, I am growing more and more selective (than I already am!) with who I care & support and what I check online. 

        Yes for those new to my blog posts, this is one of the main reasons why I'm out of the loop most of the time. Facebook is especially where I keep myself as a lurker (mostly). 

        As much as I rationally understand that facebook is not fully representative of people's lives, it still creeps into your unconscious mind that you're not doing enough, feeds into your insecurities and you're not living life to the fullest according to "normal" people's terms. Things like eating out, holidays, weekends, dinners, outdoor activities, crazy cooking, traveling, bicycling, exploring, having a family to do things with, doing traditional things, sharing all the "advice, tips & tricks" and so on. 

        Not that I'm actually in a rush to do anything else other than art. ;)

        Oh I'm boring. Or too intense-ish. But arting & creating is fun! :0

        And then there are the wonderful times when you're discussing about things online with people, learning cool things and progress was made. It feels amazing! Just chatting to people for a few minutes with freedom to engage and disengage. Special rare fun times! :D

        Aside from getting warm fuzzies in return, I do try to give or boost others when I truly don't expect anything while keeping the following in mind: 
        1. I want the giving to be genuine on my end rather than because I feel pressured to
        2. I need to be able to give and help (ie I can't help with manual labour because I'm physically not strong)
        3. there's a line to be drawn where you get taken for granted instead; so appreciate your buddies!!
        4. And not knowing what I can give in return. Sometimes I'm selfishly living in my own head and I can't read minds so unless you explicitly instruct, order or ask me to do something for you...I really don't know what you need from me. Or if it comes to that, I'll just ask you questions until we're on the same page.
        Digressing! Just a whole mix of being conflicted with wanting to block myself from social media completely (complete hermit mode) 
        versus depending on social media to connect with people.

        And naturally everyone on the internet jumps from empathetic to lack thereof, myself included because at the end of the day, we go back to living within our own minds. We all got our own daily worries too! Ultimately we need to help and take care of ourselves before you can regularly care for others. 

        I guess I'm a poor frugal artist trying to get by and feeling disconnected from most people who are in further stages of their lives. I struggle to find things in common with most people. 

        Again, not trying to further the evil "starving artist" stereotype as I am not at that extreme. I can say that I have little spending money...I have a $2 coin along with some smaller change at the time of posting? What I do know is that I can't afford to spend too much especially in light of how uncertainty and instability are a given in many creative industries/businesses.





        My life is apparently worse than prison because I am a freelance hermit
        I got lectured earlier in January in person that because I don't have a normal life with frequent human interaction, my life is "even worse than prisonand I'm not having a happy life. That I'm living in darkness without natural sunlight. That I need to give up what I'm doing and get a normal job. 

        And talk to people, and go shopping, spend time with friends, go for walks, eat out and get moving. 

        They insisted that because I'm "putting myself in prison like this" I am "sick with my legs". That I am the reason why my legs are like this. 


        Hey I'd like to add that no diagnosis is confirmed yet! 
        More about this later...below!

        Sure I definitely need to exercise daily but getting told what I'm doing wrong with my life is not something I'd welcome instantly with open arms. 


        I thought I would be swirling into despair and depression in response. Instead I appreciated the concern and conflicting perspective, but I was also annoyed and sad so I just kept my silence. I just waited until they gave up talking at me.

        Oh I am stubborn haha! 
        I inherited this thing apparently. 

        Anyhoo my negative voice knows all of these arguments that support the "give up" approach already. 

        When I mentioned this to Kristy at the time, she rightly describes it as my "all or nothing" attitude. Dangerously unbalanced! I agree that I'm crazy once again.

        That said, a lot of kind people have suggested to me to find a full time job even if it's not related to my industry of choice. Kristy also agreed that I was enforcing my own prison. I completely understand and agree with her and other others if I think about it further as:
        • fact that I don't have a studio/normal job to go to means I don't have the convenience to "hang out" with likeminded people on a regular basis 
        • this explains why I talk about loneliness so much
        • I'm not getting the regular exercise that comes with going to work/normal life brings
        • social interaction! Maybe more friendships! Actually connect with hoomins!
        • my own money to spend on going out more regularly & food?
        • what is shopping for fun? I don't know if I want to buy more things I don't need. :0
        • as Kristy reasonably said at the time: what I'm doing is not a balanced life and that I should have a day job to improve my quality of life. And I need to get out of my toxic environment. It's the reason why I keep to myself in my Hermit Cave.

        I have sought for "normal" full/part time work outside of the creative industry before but I could not pretend I wanted to work there, I lack their specific needs for experience or it usually turns out that I was overqualified. I realised I don't want regular income and human interaction alone that badly to go through with it. I am not at that point of financial desperation.

        I responded to Kristy's friendly butt kicking then that I am afraid that getting a normal life will make me become complacent. Most day jobs tend to be emotionally and physically tiring. So it's difficult to work on other things outside of work hours. It's terribly difficult to find a job that fuels, pushes and supports you to do your own thing. I'd argue it's hard (if not just as difficult) as getting your dream job. 

        I have experienced this before with my teaching career because I have always been the "all or nothing" person and I did not draw at all during that period of my life (then again, I didn't believe that art could be a career that time). 

        My "all or nothing" attitude is both my strength and weakness. I was dedicating almost all of my time to teaching even if my passion and ability to manage teenagers wasn't there. 

        I do agree that having a balanced life will improve quality of life and it's something I need to learn doing; I guess I fully believe I want to catch up for lost time for not studying art in the first place. I'm deferring a balanced life for later; that's how badly I want to get better at art and at building my career.

        I am hungry to keep improving my art skills, craft and evolve my own way of visual storytelling. 

        Eventually I want to be financially independent as a professional artist. The past me would scoff at this...that I'm a lazy dreamer. But objectively, I'm not lazy! Look at all of my years of determination! I have no plans in giving up! I really want to know how far I can reach if I give it my all. How far can I go??

        At present, I refuse to ask for actual money and although what I'm doing is not emotionally supported, I am lucky and grateful that my basic needs to survive are supported at all. 

        If the opportunity arises or when I desperately need a day job, I will and I'd flounder and ask for help. Survival and basic needs are very important!

        If a studio job comes about, I will celebrate and welcome the new learning experience, accept the challenge in juggling this with freelancing + personal projects + learning and the human interaction that comes with it. 

        If I find more special people to be my friends or even a companion it'll be wonderful! All in due time. (:


        As for now: (Again, this has changed due to my new role but I'll keep the following intact:)
        It is my choice to be a Hermit. My deepest desire to get better at what I do is being fulfilled. I find freedom in solitude sometimes. 

        Once again, I am minimalistic and simple with my needs. 
        I see what "normal people" do as luxuries. 

        All the same, the negative effects of social media combined with being a Hermit definitely takes its toll. I really don't recommend what I do to anyone unless they fully understand the sacrifices they're making. I possess silly blind optimism, basic survival (gratefully) and stubbornness and I'm fully aware of the consequences.

        Understand what restrictions you're placing upon yourself. Many people see what I'm doing as a self imposed prison sentence. Again, I feel sad about that because I actually don't disagree. I am ignorant of the outside world. And yet I secretly and crazily see it as a period of time where I'm training in the mountains albeit with a lack of structure, loneliness and
         a lot of struggle along the way

        And oddly enough back to the present, the opportunity has come for me to *choose* not to be a Hermit! I'll still make time to do what I usually do online because I'll probably be a Hermit on weekends! (: 



        Should I be even ramble about this?
        Oh dear. Yes I'm just baring all my personal weaknesses here once again~!


        Who's crazy enough to actually read all of this is the question!


        But I assure, you - that is life! 
        Learning and growth! 
        I'm reflecting and I'm taking a step back to turn the negativity around!



        My overall message on human relations as a Hermit
        I think what I'm saying right now is cherish your current and special friendships and relationships. But don't force it, give it space and let it go if it's not mutual anymore. I'm saying again and again because I'm reminding myself really!

        Life is too short to dwell on the past and what if scenarios. 
        They are nothing now but memories.

        It will hurt and you will need time to vent and heal but in the long run, you're better for it. Personally I have fought the initial hurt away thanks to making time to reflect. So I believe these feelings eventually pass! 

        Life is all about experiences of all kinds. And I don't intend to portray the creative journey or even life in general as something perfect and always positive either so...here I am rambling.




        About good friends and spotting them
        I won't go into details but there's a lot of family conditioning involved here and so it usually takes ages (however long it takes) for me to respect and trust someone as a good friend of mine. 

        It takes ages for people to naturally show me consistency, respect, initiative, reliability and honesty through their actions. They are upfront about what they want, need and if they change their mind. They take the journey slow and respect your time & space. I feel safe & I can turn to them for help because you know that they'd help or hear you out or let you know if they're struggling too. For my case, they would ask for help if they needed it (because I wouldn't know otherwise!) They take responsibility and are able to take the honesty. They have things in common (this is so rare for me!) They're fun, silly and pleasant to be with (mutually so I'd hope)! 

        And they are keen to catch up with you despite how long it's been and despite knowing your flaws (we all have them!) 

        These are qualities important to me. And it's hard to witness that from people on my end when I'm so isolated and I don't interact with much people! And as a hermit, I don't do normal people stuff so that's another jab at why I don't have much things in common. 

        So who am I to say all this? Well, I'm keen to learn haha

        You're probably the same too in that it's so hard to find people that you can depend on at that wonderful level isn't it? Cherish those who are (:

        Anyhoo, I strive to uphold the same qualities for my slow developing and few friendships. And that I don't let my insecurities control me. 

        Otherwise my default is that I'll just be polite, joking and friendly and assume that everything will just be at the acquaintances level. 
        That's fine too. We can't be best friends with everybody as it leaves the definition of "best" meaningless. :0



        On social events/majigs
        They are really what you make of it though usually it's not what you expect!

        I'm quiet at in-person, big social things :0
        You could say I have some degree of social anxiety but I think it's partially due to lack of practice. It's nothing extreme because apparently I seem cool and collected like a cucumber on the outside haha

        Or a deer in headlights! ;)

        But I know this is something I need to work at!

        Hopefully I'll find more people who have things in common with me and have fun talking about things we care about! :D




        Indeed I'm still optimistic about people (:
        I still enjoy and am grateful that I'm mostly at my Hermit Cave despite all the downsides. The bright side is that I'm honing on my craft and hustling! I'll still be at my Hermit Cave on weekends so this still applies!

        I know that there are many artists out there struggling with this too. 
        Gotta keep believing! 

        Phew. I feel a little better now! 

        Sadness propels me to understand.
        Sadness is a wonderful thing. (Thanks Inside Out for confirming this!)
        Another step forward!

        Ah the wonders of the human condition.

        Humans are so silly and emotional inside and they can't always outwardly express it.

        Like I am.





        Hullo: so there's a fanart debate


        I started writing this section during December when the Star Wars fanart craze came rolling in. I had no desire to do fanart for it; there's lots of it.

        And then there are many artists I respect debating earlier in January about how fanart is technically illegal, especially when you're profiting, printing and making sales. 

        If you're just doing it out of fun it's a grey area but even then it's safer to not do it at all. And then there's just learning how to visually communicate someone else's Intellectual Property through your own creative voice. 

        I understand there's loads of debate from many sides. 

        I believe there's a lot of grey going on because of the fact that the law isn't and cannot be enforced in a black and white fashion. Hence there is a lot of confusion and people are doing it anyway because they can get away with it.

        Personally, I'm firm on not selling fanart unless I have written permission from the creators/owners themselves. So unless I'm doing official art for you: no, you cannot pay me to do fanart. 

        Nope, I'd feel terrible if I did. I did not personally design and invest into those characters so I feel I have no right to make money off someone else's work.
        If you do this yourself, all the power to you! I just don't have the desire.




        Leonie, don't you do fanart? Look at it all! 
        Sure, I do a lot of fanart (look at this post!!) but it's out of the enjoyment for something, not for monetary profit. It's really for fun, adding my visual commentary, to learn how the character is designed and doing my take on known interesting, cool characters. 

        And connecting with people who like the same character feels awesome!! And maybe more people will know about the things I like! :D 

        It's grey because there are indies who appreciate fanart as it helps promote their animation/game/project/story/comic and there's a celebratory and passionate vibe to some fandoms (while others can be vicious). 

        On the other hand, even if I'm not getting any monetary value from it, I'm still using the famous character's fame and design for my own benefit as I think deeper about it. Plus it's fun and I am building artistic confidence thanks to doing fanart!

        All the same, they're not my characters, I can't do them all the time and I'm treading on shaky grey ground.

        Plus I do get bored of doing fanart too much. 



        So is Fanart right or wrong?
        Based on what I've read and heard (not legal advice!):
        Legally it's wrong as it's not your Intellectual Property. And they have full rights to pursue you whether you were making a profit from them or not. 

        In reality, the global, large companies would be more likely to pursue those who are:
        1. making substantial money and profit off of their characters and works
        2. representing their IP in a widespread and damaging way 
        3. believably presenting and illustrating their IP as if it was an official piece directly from them

        If you're simply making fanart for the pure love and fun of it and making profit is not involved (getting back the cost of materials is allowed) then most people are turning a blind eye.

        If you want to do it, do it. I recommend doing fanart when you genuinely enjoy something. At least you get your own personal reward of happy feelings whether people like it or not (:

        There's no need to condemn people with differing opinions either. I am happy that people are debating about this though for more awareness!





        The past month: Hocus Pocus Simplify! 


        INTENSE FOCUS! Posted on social media at the start of January about my year's plans to progress (not resolutions) and they are:
        • make ‪BurpAvatars‬ happen: get samples done! In progress!!
        • more BurpTalk: for fun and promote cool things! In progress!!
        • make/learn more fun personal projects (after BurpAvatars is on its way) 
        • try Twitch streaming for a reasonable amount of time (I had 2-3 people at my first stream! I won't have a schedule but it's looking like it'll be monthly? I really don't know right now as I need to get used to a new lifestyle.)
        • & hopefully freelance/collab on more awesome projects
        New additions:
        • keep working on skills to be the best Character Designer & Illustrator I can!
        • be grateful/maintain the few friendships I have right now
        • stay open minded for new friendships 
        • eventually work in-house or freelance for games or animation or bigger projects in the distant future for fun, amazing visual storytelling!! I think this is in progress! :0 

        Still, earlier this month I got caught up with:
        • I need to learn loads of things 
        • project ideas to do
        • how to hustle for freelance 
        • overwhelmed with a lot of "should be doings" but not having the resolve to do it  
        • that I should learning bits of everything; become an all rounder
        • tackling art style (see last post on Art Styles)
        • the negative voice that says "I can't see how there's any room for me in the industry for character design.
        Though with art styles, I finally followed my own advice in that post and realised I should try other art styles anyhow. Be free and explore! And that lifted a weight off my shoulders. Trial and error. And then I'll figure out what I need to do from there. :D

        Learning what everyone else is doing isn't cutting it for me because I was overwhelming myself again .___. 

        With Character Design, it is truely competitive as the top industry people are rightfully not going anywhere and so it's pretty much a build your own project to do be able to do what you want to do.

        In the past month, I simplified my life much more and I'm slowly working towards focusing on learning/doing portraits for BurpAvatars. And then keep learning more topics revolving around character design & illustration. I've decided to take it slow and make the most of my weakness/strength.

        My "all or nothing" attitude once again. I tend to have a one-track mind for the most part and for anything else I'm absent minded and I need to be reminded haha! If I juggle too many major things, I don't fare that well. 

        Sidenote: if freelancing/work requires me to do something else in terms of art then I will learn to do it/make it happen because they are paid fun opportunities given that the client and I are great working together ;)

        Also, Kristy at the time reminded me that people cannot be perfect and good at everything at once (especially at the beginning), to forget the "I'm not good enough mindset", to focus on something really small and that breaking it down is much more helpful. (:





        The Trial and Error; no Global Game Jam for me!
        So yes, finding out a lot of things I'm trying out aren't working. Frustrated, yes - but it's all good. I know it's not for me right now. I'll try something else. Or try again another time with a different approach.

        I've decidedly donated my Melbourne Global Game Jam ticket for this year so that someone else can do it for free; feels good giving! 

        If I was still doing it, I'd be stumped looking for team members (well no one's egging me to do it with them haha) and this blog post will be all about the game! 

        I couldn't do it this year because I was overwhelmed with the expectations I'm putting upon myself and I needed to simplify and focus. And I would be doing another scary blood test and hospital appointment around then.

        Plus I was giving myself too many things to do with the many "should be doing" things rather than the whys and the "what's really important to me" projects. 

        January involved a lot of starting things, realising that I was doing it for the wrong reasons or the timing was off or I need to take a step back and rein in and say "no" to things. 

        So I cut some ideas at the bud, including the Game Jam; I need to protect my sanity before I feel like I'm spread thin and burnt out! 

        A lot of learning! :D



        In terms of commitment...
        So my "intense focus" is written above!

        Anything else would be a "nice to have, do or go to" but not a must. 

        Friend get-togethers would be on the "special maybe" list though! Getting an invitation from someone is awfully nice and makes me happy (ie see above loneliness ramble haha)!






        Incoming month: New Journey ahead! Back to the present! 

        It's odd for me reading the above about my struggles now, since I won't be a Hermit for a while. 

        Before knowing all this, I was so set to continue with this Hermit mindset too. I had my stubbornness and resolve on honing down and experimenting with BurpAvatars, learn things and build up my freelance track record as it happens. 

        Honestly, I was so determined to fight my own way, doing and struggling with just freelance for an indefinite time. Not expecting anything but striving one goal or two at a time as a Hermit. 

        Plus there's the ongoing mental battle of fueling my own self confidence without an ideal, supportive, physical environment of incredible people. Though hey, I do have a couple of amazing buddies through online means at least! 

        All the same then and now, I remind myself to stay fierce, refocus and get back up.

        Because I'll probably become a Hermit every now and again because the change is constant. Nothing lasts forever and that includes jobs, business and life! 


        And now...my first time working as a Junior Artist at a studio! :0

        Mix of nervousness, denial & excitement...

        This is seriously what the entrance looks like ;D


        Am I ready for a change in lifestyle? 

        I'm up for the challenge!! I'll kick the insecurities to the side and do my best at this new, exciting journey. 

        I might not be making as much art publicly but I'll still be doing things on the side! I’ll still be freelancing, learning and doodling as usual! :

        I’ll figure out BurpTalk and Twitch BurpStreaming once things settle for me! :D


        Some banners I did:
        Social Media banner yo from the above comic
        New BurpArtBlog Banner! I'll show the full portrait a couple of months from now
        This was my first attempt at doing something quick and silly. And my big hat.



        Little Health Update: Inflammatory Arthritis confirmed
        It turns out that I have really early inflammatory arthritis and I've learned that this is really vague and not a concrete diagnosis. Can't even say if I have rheumatoid! 

        But moving on from the fear of needles, struggles and worse case scenarios, I'm working towards managing this eventually with some medication that suits me. 

        I aim to live a relatively normal life! Since it's early, it can be managed (:


        Despite my fears, I'm terribly optimistic and I'll spare you from my silly mistakes with my appointment, not getting the medication as a result (arranging that...eventually!) and medical details. 

        I have said this to my little support group before (but I'll take the important bits out for you too):

        Symptoms I currently have: 

        • not being able to walk/stand for long periods of time (resting is what's needed or I'll be fatigued, aching and stiff in my joints)
        • stiffness & slight aches in joints of hands, feet and knees and they produce cracking noises when I twist or rotate them
        • morning stiffness, tiredness, weak muscles and fatigue and after long inactive periods (no wonder I get so tired nowadays!)
        • shoulder pain all day - I'll need to work on my posture!
        • there is tiny bits of fluid in my ankles right now from my MRI scans in Dec

        I'm reading up on this condition so I'm not going to delay this as I want to "aggressively treat" this so that it's under control and so that I can live a normal, stress free and healthy life as much as possible. I don't want the extreme case of deformed feet and hands and living a sad and lonely life as an artist who cannot create fun things; I'd like to make things thank you very much! :0

        Currently I am in the "inactive period" or "in remission" and it could be weeks or months or years of *nothing* actually. If I ever do get severe symptoms of inflamed tissue it's considered a "flare" or active - red, warm, swollen, painful and tender joints happen.

        So my aim is to reduce joint damage and live a normal life; so I can still walk and do work as long as I:
        • rest and take breaks, 
        • get the appointment & medication sorted plus healthcare support; I don't want to spiral into a well of anxiety, depression or making a mountain out of this when it's still very early and I can manage this
        • get social and emotional support and be honest with the people you care so that there's mutual understanding of what's going on­­­­­­ 
        • go do regular low impact exercise!! Or I'll make my joints weaker due to inactivity! :0 I'll strive to walk daily and take my breaks and stretch from now on! 
        • watch out on diet and minimising salty, processed, fried and grilled foods = balanced diet is key
        • I need to figure out on good footwear...it's hard...
        • stress management through massage, ­­relaxation techniques and pain coping skills (I think I got the coping part done as I was able to dismiss and forget the pain when I should have written about it!)
        • it's recommended that I ­­get help if feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, anger get out of hand...out of all of these emotions, I'm just afraid and sad. So I hope exercise, getting support from friends and doing social activities would help
        • heat & cold pack treatment to the painful muscles in question
        • avoiding activities that cause pain, asking for help when you need it, using special aids to save energy and reduce pain, stress and tiredness
        • just self care which I have the tendency of forgetting .___.

        Sure, I am definitely afraid and it seems like more scary needles are ahead for me. And I'm still digesting all this.

        However I'm more of the mindset of getting things managed so it's not a problem but it's just something that's part of my life. I plan to keep doing what I do for several decades to come!

        I believe it can be done! And life will be amazing. 

        I guess what I'll say to you is to take care of yourself! I'm pretty sure some of the points above apply for anyone wanting to live a more healthier life too.

        I shall make the most of things! I choose to have a full, healthy and incredible life, actually and properly look after myself from now on, use this to empower and train myself with persistence, patience, optimism and tenacity, see this as a little challenge and hurdle to manage, develop strategies with the help of a wonderful support network...


        and just keep on going with a smile and an awkward laugh on my face. :D


        If you'd like to learn about it (with a lot of encouraging success stories): http://empowered.org.au/rheumatoid-arthritis 






        Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!

        This post went into the depths of my analytical mind! :0

        Thanks for bearing with me. You actually read through the end!

        Don't worry; reflecting deep like this in a one-sided conversation with you helps me articulate my fears and what I need to work on. I'm feeling much better. (:

        Plus this might click with you and help you a bit as you struggle with your fears and personal obstacles.

        We are human beings with feelings; so I wish you all the best with your personal challenges. 

        I'm saying this to you as much as I am reminding myself: Take care of those feelings and release them somehow in a healthy way.

        Don't get discouraged by negative experiences and rejections! 
        Don't give up! Things worthwhile aren't easy.

        Sometimes it's as simple as just doing the best you can with what you do for others. Then let go and move on from things that are out of your control.


        Anyhoo! PHEW! What a month! Whoa!

        See you around!
        I've got a wonderful new role to do and life & health to manage! (:



        Thank you so much for reading, you intelligent being!



        Leonie






        ****************************************************************

        Interested in an Art Commission or Project Collaboration together?
        Email me with details: leonieyue@gmail.com
        Plus there's also there's BurpAvatars!