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Friday, May 8, 2015

2015#08 - Thoughts on Solitude and Friendships as the Lone Ninja Mouse

Leonie's small blog island says hullooo you and May! (:

Hello May 2015! Here's the first "4 week ultra packed" blog post! 

So I've equipped you with Contents below

Good luck on your Quest of Reading! *salutes*

    Let's go crazy! Journal Time.

    Face it head on! There was a Greyscale version out and about somewhere last month ;)
    I played with a lot of different things for this illustration!



    CONTENTS for your READING QUEST


    Year 2, Weeks 13 to 16 (8th Apr to 5th May)

      Leonie Yue's Sketchbook 

      My good friend gifted me with a Chocolate Bunny one time! I was so happy with its deliciousness and that I actually got something for Easter! (Mm food is great!)
      Some doodling from the Historical Disney Princess Youtube Video 
      Some texta gestures and doodles thrown in too




        Other Hermit Burp Adventuuures: Footnotes really

        • Games (watching bits or all of it): 
          • Phoenix Wright: Justice for all (2), Resident Evil Revelatons 2, Talisman, Grim Fandango Remastered, Bloodborne, The Terrible Old Man, Dyscourse, Stick Shift, Half Life 2 Synergy, Gang Beasts, Robocraft, Kerbal Space Program, Twilight Princess, Hero Generations, Sid Meier's Pirates, Yandrere Simulator, Tell Tale Heart, Killing Floor 2, Titan Souls, Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number, The Book of Unwritten Tales 2, I Remember The Rain, Mortal Kombat X, Pandora's Tower, Tobal, Spirits of Xanadu, Ni No Kuni, GTA5, Yandere Simulator, Dandelion, D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die Season 1, Kitty Powers' Matchmaker, Westerado: Double Barreled, Killing Floor 2, Grand Theft Auto Online, Half Life 2 Synergy, Drawful/Fibbage, White Night, Bloody Trapland, Knight Squad, Kerbal Space Program, Ori and the Blind Forest, Broken Age Act 2, Euro Truck Simulator 2, Reign of Kings, Avengers Battle for Earth & Galactic Storm, Epic Spell Wars
        • Healthwise: I am sitting on my clothes as I work because I'm short.
        • Games (played) - 
          • Armello - I'm starting to like playing as Mercutio! Prestige win :D
          • Smash Bros 4 - a little bit
          • Mario Kart 8 DLC Pack 2: 200CC is NUTS!
        • Fun Blog Shenanigans
        ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



        Where are my feet? Soul-searching Happenings 

        I've been undergoing the process of figuring out where to go from here with "life". As that keeps evolving, refining, developing and clarifying - I must say that having been the "Lone Ninja Wolf" for most of my life (due to my introverted nature and Hermit lifestyle choice - see HermitBurpcast Episode 2) it does lend myself easy to the emotional consequences of isolation from the world and harsh self criticism. (I won't go into the external ones I get in person haha). 

        I do stay positive in the end. Plus a couple of understanding, kind friends you can poke for a reality check and fresh perspectives - this is a wonderful and special thing to have. Probably more effective in the long run in terms of tackling problems together and looking at the big picture! My deepest appreciation for the couple of supportive friendships I have. 

        Personal but vague ramblings aside, there's the 
        A) interesting things, struggle and fight that happens indefinitely (the journey) so that 
        B) the great, rare and wonderful moments of reaching a set of goals finally happen. 
        Then ad infinitum for the next set of goals because it's never enough. 
        Especially for human beings as a whole, we keep striving towards what's meaningful to us (plus infinity is awesome!). 

        As the first illustration of this post claims, you don't have to do this journey alone. The Gracious Captain Cheesy Obvious is at it again!

        Having trusted friends around means there's genuine and blunt support at your side. In other words, a Brains Trust larger than the one living inside your cranium. Indeed you can choose not to but it's wonderful to remind ourselves (I'm reminding myself here too) that you don't have to face life and its challenges alone. 

        Ultimately it's up to you whether you want to invite others in to form a bigger team alongside with you, genuinely watching each other's back. Mutual friendship and trust proven through time is the emphasis here. (: See where time takes you as people change, come and go. 



        You can't force these things anyway.

        If you're desperately pushing your needs and expectations above others and you're not truthfully considering or staying aware of the subsequent consequences and the other person's point of view...or vice versa with someone expecting, pushing and asking intense things from you when you don't know each other too well; it doesn't work. 

        It's disrespectful whether you intended to or not and lends itself to the weird and creepy side - respect people's personal space! At times it's too vague to tell but on the most part, I've learned ages ago to back off early when I note and sense when the "desire to connect as human beings" is not mutual. 

        For instance when I was a high school teacher, my students (especially at the beginning) did not want to hear what I had to say. When I initially wanted to connect with certain teacher colleagues, it just didn't work out either as they avoided me in the end and one time I got a door closed on my face. On the other hand, there was a university classmate that kept asking, wanting and expecting things of me but I didn't know this individual that well - I had to state it as such - hoping that the conversation would end there but then I ultimately end up doing what most people do - I simply did not engage anymore. 

        These things happen for all of us because we expect things from people, hoping they feel the same or people expect things from you, hoping you feel the same. 

        So I say if the opportunity arises and if people are being honest and respectful about it with each other on the onset (ideally) or as early as possible (given that words matches with their actions as well*) then for the most part it won't be a problem or a big deal. Also note that I don't claim to be good at handling these social things but I'm striving to get better at it all haha - so take all this with a grain of salt.
        *- common sense perhaps but I had to mention this as it leads to mixed signals and people doubting your honesty and intentions

        Indeed I've been on both ends/sides several times in the past and it's unpleasant, uncomfortable and/or icky to say the least. Either: 
        1) you feel hurt and rejected because you are the one who is wanting/asking/expecting for more or 
        2) you are feeling used and creep-ed out due to not feeling the same, you feel forced/pressured into it/into a corner and/or feel that underlying motives/manipulation is being involved

        Consequently:
        1) you both catch on early, some unspoken (or even spoken/communicated) Clarity is understood, part ways and it's all cool
        2) or perhaps it goes too far without both parties realising and things become incredibly awkward, weird, creepy, tricky and/or simply inappropriate given how much or how little both parties know each other. 

        Either way, it's time for some distance and to disengage for the sake of both sides. Things can get complex when both individuals feel both sides at different levels and/or of different areas. It's a tricky dance! 

        I digress!


        Sometimes it's just a matter of crossing paths with someone towards a common goal, a wonderful memory is created and perhaps that is all that's left with said person. 

        Or lessons are learned. Or both of you weren't on the same page in the first place (in terms of expectations) in that it's better to just move on. Or for one reason or another it's one-sided and/or it's not mutual. Or perhaps you may meet again at a later stage in life as different people (or not!) 

        It's all part of the journey known as life. Onwards! (:




        The Other Side of the Coin: being the Lone Ninja Wolf Mouse
        What if you don't have many trusted, genuine friends? What do you do?

        Well hello! Join our little club. (:

        It's okay if you don't. You're not alone. As I said, you can't force it.

        Whether you have supportive, trusted friends at your side or not, you still have to face things alone. This is because *you* are always going to be present with yourself. All the time. 

        Yes, we do reach out for attention in order to connect to others and perhaps life changing moments are made and shared. However much we do this or strive to escape from this notion, we cannot deny that we are all painfully alone in the end. 

        I rambled about this last year too: You still have to face and tackle your own battles, challenges, problems and decisions. No one can do it for you. Aside from getting guidance from a professional therapist/counsellor/psychologist/health expert, you cannot expect someone else to solve your problems, let alone always be willing to listen to your personal problems. No one knows completely how it feels like for you in your mind, your experiences, your memories, your thoughts, your senses and your upbringing. 

        This is your life and you face the consequences for your own actions (well at least this is what I'd like to believe in an ideal world). 


        If there must be one, sole person who needs to be by your side, who respects you and who completely believes in you, it has to be yourself

        You have to be your own supportive, best-est friend in the whole world. 

        This is incredibly difficult to do especially when you are still wrestling with your sense of self in relation to others. It's always an ongoing process so this is a matter of learning to accept who you are right now and push forward. 

        You know yourself best. You need to be honest with yourself, not make excuses and act accordingly.

        Out of habit and nature, I am completely fine with being the "Lone Ninja Wolf" as the default. By that logic, aren't we all to some extent? People come and go and change. Things are not going to be pleasant and mutual all the time. Sometimes we diverge upon different paths, values and goals and then there are the rare times when friendships last the test of time - it's tough at times but that's completely fine and how things are. 

        These things are out of our control; it cannot be forced. And I like it that way.

        Ah and we're all learning! Personally, I strive to focus on what I have right now in my life while I appreciate and am grateful for the present. A bonus to me is having supportive, like-minded, kind people around - a valuable thing that must be mutually maintained. 

        In any case, being your own cheerleader is incredibly important! Support yourself as we beat ourselves up plenty already! 

        Sometimes slowing down, having time to yourself, for yourself, to take care of yourself is very much needed. Some alone/solitary "me" time just to experience the present self. 

        How are you feeling about things right now? Why is this so? 
        Get some time to be honest to yourself and refocus. 

        Struggling? Reward yourself a little by taking a break and do something fun for a bit (given that you've earned it and you're still honest with yourself)! 

        And hey! There's nothing wrong with being the Lone Wolf by nature (points at self) or many other approaches to living. It's awesome how we are all different else what a mundane world we'd be living in!  

        I guess my ultimate reminder to self is to just stay open-minded for moments spent with good company. If it doesn't work out long term then embrace your feelings, take your time, move on, let it go when you're ready and look forward towards all the great people you currently have and have yet to meet. (: 

        Celebrate who you are!

        Feel free to disagree! I am not here to impose my way of thinking or life on anyone. I'm just a rambling Hermit Burping Lone Ninja Mouse who still thinks "The Extreme Introvert" label is amusing (*cough* Episode 4). 

        Hey, I absolutely enjoy my Solitude time.

        Lastly, "Mouse" suits me more rather than Wolf.  ;) 





        The past 2 weeks: waving your arms in the air? 
        Like that Kermit arm flailing gif? 

        Finding ways to "not be as sore working at the computer" continues but it's getting better. I feel so better being mindful of how I position myself when working now. 

        Busy learning, research and sorting out a handful of things before I start or continue any projects. I am itching to do character designs but it's still ongoing as there's heaps of other things to figure out for myself. 

        Took one of my facebook hiatuses/breaks too; and I don't think I missed too much either. I am doing another social media hiatus sometime this month probably (last week of the month I think...! I won't always be announcing when I take social media breaks so I emphasis that email is best if you got something urgent). This time I might even cut out internet as well for the most part. :O   

        There's so much to do when I look at the big picture; terribly daunting! It goes to show (as I've mentioned in countless blog posts) that there's always more to learn and that in itself keeps things interesting and exciting. 

        Ahhh priorities with shoulds and wants and musts. 
        So here I am tackling things one at a time :D




        Stay incredible and keep adventuuuring you!
        Woo I hope you've navigated this packed blog post well! Well done! 

        See you in two weeks at the Burpcast and thanks for reading!  (:


        Leonie