A whole lot of poses this update!
Let's go crazy! Journal Time.
|The Heart? The usual then? Yeah.|
Year 2, Weeks 9 & 10 (11th to 24th Mar)
Leonie Yue's Sketchbook
|I had to go back to less vibrant hair as much as it's eye catching|
|GIF going weird; added blank frames in by accident. Oh noes.|
|White blank screen; abort mission! Abort! Whoops! I deleted the file as soon as I saved it out so I couldn't redo the gif haha|
|That place with the crazily nimble gymnastics athletes and dancers|
|I draw too much ladies so I restricted myself to gentlemen for a while|
|I'm a wonky muppet D: Muehmuehmueh! I'm actually starting to like using my logo face and pretend that I own such a shirt haha! One day I'll make & get a real one!|
- Games (watching bits or all of it):
- Phoenix Wright: Justice for all (2), Lucius 2, Xenoblade Chronicles, Silent Hill 2, Resident Evil Revelations 2, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth, Darkest Dungeon, Handless Millionaire, Conan, Fatal Fury Wild Ambition, Mario 64, Depth, Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, Day One: Garry's Incident, Cities: Skylines, Ori and the Blind Forest, Darkest Dungeon, Grim Fandango Remastered, Xenoblade Chronicles, Far Cry 4, Mechwarrior 2, Hektor, Hawken, Titanfall, Dominion Online, The Witcher Adventure Game, Plug and Play, Hotline Miami 2, Muddy Heights, The Static Speaks My Name, Fatal Frame 2, Tales from the Borderlands Ep2
- Healthwise: I was sick and sore; trying to figure out if I'm using my keyboard all wrong
- Games (played) - Kirby Triple Deluxe and FourLetters
- Food from the Gods! - Well spicy chicken kebabs from my bro count! :D
Reflection: When you're feeling like a Fraud
"I don't entirely know what I'm doing" or
"I don't feel good enough"
"I don't feel good enough"
"I'm doing it anyway!"
It's a common topic that pops up now and again I noted! Loads of creators talk about this subject often because it's always there and strongest at the lowest of times. Usually it leads to the "just do it" advice and then we move on.
As dismissive as it sounds, this is the harsh truth.
This is because only then we'd truly experience and understand if something you're doing is still the thing you believe in and if you're still driven by it.
Does one keep fighting and practicing or change things up? Growth is happening either way! And sometimes life gets in the way and detouring off to other things is necessary; more life experiences for all involved and to share! It makes you unique! Values and perspectives usually change over time and probably your life goals will evolve too. Maybe you find yourself someplace better; you'd never know.
The only thing constant is Change, as my old Teaching career tells me. I believe I have quoted this before but it's a good one; it stuck with me.
Personally I block it out when I can after striving to understand what kinds of standards I am putting myself against. Preemptive judgement of self worth, the level of perfectionism and competitiveness that is happening and from there I push my comfort zone out of it where possible, rather than stay paralysed.
I remind myself and accept that I'm not perfect and I will always be learning.
And sure, I'm being the gracious Captain Obvious again but hey! Imposter Syndrome is real. The fears that comes along with it are valid. It means you care, you still possess hope in this world and it means something to you. It means you want to be strong in the face of risk but you're uncertain and scared inside. It means you are not content with where you are right now and you want to do better.
Yes! I've been feeling between "What am I doing with my life?! I'm doomed!! No!! Why!" and "This is scary and exciting!! Where did time go?!"
As I'm also reminding myself at the same time, let me tell us this:
We tend to be too concerned with how others judge, think and talk about us and perhaps we are falling into the trap of seeking constant external validation in everything we do.
As social creatures (though I myself, I'm bordering on being an Hermit alien), we can't completely avoid this as there are people out there who we don't want to let down, who genuinely care and support us. We don't want to be the person who can't pick themselves up like a burden nor the person who refuses any form of help from others (aren't we conflicting sometimes?)
And then we keep forgetting that we're not that important as we'd like to be; the world does not revolve around you and ultimately we're the ones judging ourselves the most (given that you're highly self critical like I am).
Ultimately it goes down to how we judge ourselves. The "I'm a fraud" feeling is a conclusion of our own making (rational or not), an answer to: "Do I believe in myself?"
So who are you then?
- To whom are to trying to prove and impress? Peers, friends, professionals, family and/or yourself? How are you doing this?
- Are you an "Imposter" because you're pretending to be someone else? What exactly are you faking and what isn't; your values and boundaries?
- If you are aspiring to be someone else and/or striving to belong, what exactly about this person/ group of people that you aspire to be? To be part of? Why? Is this the life you are naturally inclined to live?
- Either way, many of us strive to become the best version of ourselves and experience great lives: then how will you define this version of you?
- Is it realistic or already a big part of who you already are?
- What do you want to keep and what to change as you keep striving to be better as a person? Why?
- What have you yet to achieve, in order to not feel like an unworthy "fraud"? Why and how are these goals important to you? Why is this worth it to you? Are you striving too much to be defined by accomplishments to the point that you're worthless otherwise?
- How do you want to be known as a human being?
- How will the voice in your heart and the voice in your mind work together as you deal with change?
- How far, deep and how many times are you prepared to fail? Where does your line get drawn?
- So again: Do you believe in yourself and the difficult choices you're making?
Questions to think about now and again because we're growing at every chapter of our lives. Food for thought!
Anyhoo, let's just do the best we can and see how far we'll go!
You! The kind soul who's reading!
Don't give up! Deal with what you got! Push through! :D
|This illustration from here is now available at Society 6 or RedBubble.|
Derpcast now called Burpcast!
I did not know about the deep negative and hurtful connotations, actual malicious meaning and history to the word "Derp" when I first went ahead with the name - I was just referring to myself, making fun of myself and calling myself as such. It seemed to fit as I am such an awkward person. I believed it was simply another way of saying silly, socially awkward person in an endearing way as I've only seen it in webcomics of old and watched very little of South Park. Lastly, I do like the sound of the word.
But since I'm now aware (I found out on accident on my own accord actually), deepest apologies if I've offended or hurt anyone with the word - terribly unintentional.
I've been thinking a while first, talked it over with a kind soul today and have decided to change the name to the Hermit Burpcast. Sounds weird but it still retains its sillyness and one syllable sound! Burp is a silly sound and we all do it as a verb too!
Hope it's not too confusing! I'll leave what I've posted as is but in future posts it will be referred to as the Burpcast from now on. It'll take some time for me to change my descriptions (I'm finding a lot!). Unfortunately I can't change the itunes name/url, the RSS feed or past published posts so I can't remove it all completely.
But I believe with what I can change, that it's worth it.
Onwards and forwards to Burpity fun times! (:
In closing: update changes!
I've trialed having 2 blog posts and 1 Burpcast a month for the past months and treated them separately. And I found that I need to change it up a bit.
So! I'll be still posting biweekly/every two weeks, but I'll be alternating between a blog post and a podcast.
For instance, in a given month there could be 1 blog post and 1 Burpcast or even 2 of one and 1 of the other but the difference here is that I won't find myself posting on consecutive weeks like I have this March. We all need some breathing space! Though at its core, this boils down to my personal preference really, now that I've got the Burpcast to juggle with as well.
Now this means a given blog post will not just be packed with 2 weeks of happenings but 4 weeks instead! Holygamoley! People are fleeing now at the potentially doubled length of my posts now! It's already long! *laughs*
If you're still here: Well you are definitely a special kind soul who's taken the time to read all of this (out of all the blogs out there)! Thanks for staying. (:
Anyhoo, I hope this new update schedule works well for all of us. (:
Stay incredible and keep adventuuuring you! (:
See you in 2 weeks with another blog post!