Friday, August 17, 2018

BurpDoodle: Hugs with Love & Kindness

BurpDoodle: Hugs with Love & Kindness

Yes I'll bring back my favourite CatBlob whenever I need a cute reminder <3
Being loving and kind in everything you do from a genuine place.
Sometimes words aren't needed.
Hug or be kind to someone important to you today. 

That includes yourself!

I'm not good at this. I'll keep learning though. 
This self love and confidence thing.
Especially when I'm harsh and critical upon myself with tight and high expectations in life and art I cannot reach. Got to focus on doing my best, forgive my mistakes and take care of myself.

"Cleverness is a gift, kindness is a choice." quoting from Jeff Bezos.
I don't know too much about him though! Digressing.

Being kind and compassionate is much harder, usually inconvenient to you and done regardless whether there's acknowledgement, gifts or recognition in return. No matter how difficult and harsh people and things may be. No matter who is or isn't watching. You don't get tangible rewards for being kind.

It's done out of the simple feeling of just wanting to do it out of goodwill, trust, love, respect, care and wellbeing. It's super hard.

When you do though, you just want to help someone in a meaningful way.

It does not mean being a doormat and losing yourself. 
It's not about impressing other people. If this is the case, let go and move on. 
Life is too short to care about people who don't feel the same. 
Focus on the people who do.

Just love yourself, be kind to yourself and live with the uncertainty, doubts, fears and insecurities, sadness you may have. Forgive yourself with love.

Do what you feel is important to you to be the best self you can be.

All are just reminders to myself from the things I've been reading :')

Got to remember life worth living isn't easy and it's a constant fight and juggle to keep what's most important [family, friends, relationships, career, hobbies, business, health, self care, finances, learning, so on] to you close to your heart.

We're all doing the best we can. 

We work things out as they come.

So hey do remember to be kind and loving with yourself and consequently with the people around you. You're doing great. <3

Stay beautifully kind from a genuine place.

Gosh to have people to hug, love and talk with and be there for each other whenever you want is a rare thing. Sigh. I'm mushy and sentimental :') 

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

SuperListenMode: Why this comic Pt 2

SuperListenMode: Why this comic Part 2

Sure these comics are created way in advance but these descriptions are usually updated as I publish them. :')

Sometimes I feel better doing these comics as a form of self care.

Other times I need to cut down and not make them if I'm feeling worse.

I put out my feelings/thoughts out there and at worst I just get apathy.
Hey I wouldn't know how I'm judged when I'm not active and engaging on social media ;P Regardless I appreciate all the ninja likes + glances of acknowledgement. <3

I'm glad you're getting acquainted with my silly feelings.
That there are people actually reading! Gosh!

Thank you for reading and by extension,
being friends with my feelings too <3

PS: I've made enough comics in advance so that it goes until the start of December. From then on, I plan to make them when I'm mostly feeling neutral or positive. Not too much when I'm feeling glum. You'll see why when December's comics comes around (:

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

BurpDoodle: Finally a new 2018 Twitter Avatar

BurpDoodle: Finally a new 2018 Twitter Avatar
Currently having a "good enough", less gloomy headspace for a more determined, hesitant smiling little me for Twitter :') 

Previous "sad, tense, anxious and pouty" me shall stay as the Facebook one. Because as you know, my interest in facebook is not much there. ;) I don't have the gumption to quit it so...yep. I'll return to lurk, post something if I need to and then leave again...I don't really enjoy using facebook and consequently don't connect with people there that consistently well. :(

Instagram keeps the watercolour-ish "looking down hopefully and smiling" me.
Because it's so low investment over there. Aside from my art and comics I don't really post anything else too personal. But it gets so addictive, distracting and depressing as it's designed to be as I find myself reaching out to my phone too much so I had to minimise usage. Though Instagram stories is a neat thing! I get to 1 to 1 talk to a close friend or two there!

Social Media Note: I've blocked myself from facebook everywhere till late September for now...or indefinitely. And spending less time on instagram and twitter by keeping it to once a week or even once every other week in small sessions. 
I need some personal space again!

These breaks are a frequent thing. As usual, email and blog comments here below are the best ways to contact me (:

I'm getting better at letting go of the guilt, desire to please and I stopped checking my feed and am striving to not worry about online presence. The next step is to talk about it less ;P It feels good to just blog, make art, post art, engage with people and use social media in moderate, healthy amounts for the positive things (: Maybe there are better ways to connect than social media but I haven't found something that works for me.

Aye, I'm not feeling 100% with happiness and positivity and that's okay. Taking my sweet time to accept and work through things in my mind and learning, however long it takes. That's life, you keep going in spite of all the negative, lonely, resentful, tense, confused and sad feelings. Acknowledging and letting all that go. And cheer others on and cherish the happy and lovely moments in between :') 

I don't know if and when things will get better. I consider myself lucky to be alive and doing art for a living in spite of the other negative things in my life. I do have a better degree of fulfilment compared to several years ago. It's definitely up to me to work things out when I'm ready for change and in a better headspace. 

I do hope in time that I continue to grow and believe in myself & in the kind friends and people around me. Thanks for bearing with me as I talk about the things I'm dealing with <3 <3

Learning to keep rolling and make the most with what I have with moments of gratitude. Enjoy the rollercoaster process of growing (:

Artwise, there isn't really a super deep meaning but it just worked out this way with these avatars.   

Clearly I don't care about consistency and branding at the moment aside from the colour choices ;P

Monday, August 13, 2018

SuperListenMode: Disgustingly free

SuperListenMode: Disgustingly free

It was the most expensive item in the vending machine.
I tried one. It tasted like toothpaste.

I thought I was lucky.

I was wrong.

The pack of chips I bought was great though.

Friday, August 10, 2018

BurpDoodle: There's Batman in all of us / LEGO Batman movie

BurpDoodle: There's Batman in all of us

Finally saw the movie a while back; super entertaining and packed with references that went over my head.

But I've been a homebody lone wolf plenty so I related to Batman :') 

I relate to Batman's "I work as a homebody lone wolf" lifestyle thing in a preemptive defense of getting emotionally hurt in some regards. 
I'm selfish in my little world and I love solitary moments to recover. I'm still learning to self love and am learning at art and life. 

How I don't know what people want 100% unless they tell me their expectations and boundaries clearly and directly - communication and respect!! That often happens when you know someone well enough though. Usually I assume that people want personal space like I would, or people would let me know if they need something, or if I've done something wrong, or I'm just too ignorant or unable to help. 

Hey I won't offer to help if I don't want to or unable to ;P 

I'm ignorant :')

As I've said countless times, social media doesn't fully cut it for good human bonding. Plus I don't usually initiate catch ups as I'm a coward and it's not really a habit for me thanks to my low social energy levels. I assume people are too busy for little me. Well unless it's an established, regular thing between us! ^o^
I just want a small circle of good kind friends. :') 

So I'm not exactly like Batman! 
He's rich and has influence while I'm just getting by under the radar haha

I'm not sure if the movie is depicting the homebody lifestyle as a necessarily bad thing but what it does do is to emphasise the goodness, meaning and gratitude you get from the people you grow, share things and get close with. 

Family are the people you choose to love, respect and get close with (:

Honestly I need a lot of work in this area because I don't have many close friends. I strive to be better. Perhaps I'm connecting with people in a small way through my art and comics. <3

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

SuperListenMode: How do you calm your heart?

SuperListenMode: How do you calm your heart?

Aye good ol' escapism.

Sometimes you need to stop dwelling and just do things instead.
Sometimes you can't stay calm so you convert that energy into action.
Keep busy instead.

Or you do the opposite.
Find ways to relax completely and break away from things that give you stress. 

Hiatuses & vacations, right? What normal people do?
I need to do this more one day :')

Come back when you're feeling ready enough to take a step forward again.
It'll be okay.

Things I've personally done...

  • Making art. 
  • Watch videos or streams.
  • Playing games.
  • Brain dumping thoughts.
  • Reading books about things I'm learning about.
  • Sleep.
  • Comfort food hehe
  • Catching up with deep conversations
  • closing my eyes and breathe with mindfulness

Not everything but...you get the idea ;)

PS: that quote in the first panel was my mother's words :')

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

BurpDoodle: Go on, I'm listening

BurpDoodle: Go on, I'm listening

This was based on an old train sketch I did of a lady last year.
Really loving this airbrush <3

Trying to get myself into the habit of making BurpDoodles, allow myself to play with things and hopefully get better at art as usual!! 

The struggle continues! 
I'm not as gloomy anymore at least. It goes up and down.
Feeling below average. And that's okay.
Life is full of discomfort and embarrassment.

Here I was playing around with an old piece of art software that's not that great...I couldn't draw without jaggy lines :<

Feeling guilty for being a super ghost on Facebook that my art page is automatically updating for a month now and there's little interaction there as expected. I just don't want to be active when I know it's going to be difficult reaching anybody and algorithms are working against me. 

I miss facebook interaction now :') 
But people ninja on my posts regardless...it becomes a shock and apparent when a few people out of the blue to tell me that they do see bits and pieces. I thought you faded away! :')

Much gratitude to peeps and friends who actually do need the facebook page to keep updated with my art all the same. That's why I keep it going else I would have stopped posting art on facebook altogether. 

I noticed that a few actually started following via Instagram too.  
Not that I can link to blog posts from there...peeps there can't read this :<
But yes I am more active there and Twitter via my phone sometimes

Facebook...a few times a month? Heads up I'm taking more frequent long breaks from Facebook. As in I'm blocked, can't see it, refuse to use messenger and it's not on my phone.

I've blocked myself on desktop computers because I need some focused time. Don't want to depend on social media too much. I don't want to keep distracting myself looking at things I don't have and fall into the endless state of not feeling enough ;P 

I'm not seeing the value of Facebook especially since changing to a Facebook Art Page...it's more about events and sadly I rarely do those :') 

Instagram and Twitter I check when I'm out and about sometimes. I've muted notifications altogether to minimise checking it too much. I'm not trying to be rude!! I just want to make sure I make space for myself away from the noise and keep the temptations away. No need to share every single thing about my mundane life. I might sometimes when I feel like it. 
Still figuring this balance out. 

Ultimately I want to focus on the important things in my life.

So again, communication through blog comments or email is the most reliable way to reach me. Unless you don't mind waiting indefinitely longer ;)

Digressing. Again, thank you! ;___;
Please reach out in the comments under this post below if you feel inclined <3

Monday, August 6, 2018

SuperListenMode: Glum Blob "Boi"

SuperListenMode: Glum Blob "Boi"

My gloomy rut this year was bringing me down but I'm super grateful for my brother for lending his ear sometimes. :') 

For a long time I wasn't able to pick myself up...every since I did those NZGDC/GCAP conference talks last year. I didn't know where to go from there. 
I felt emptied out. 
Exhausted. Directionless. Disillusioned. 
I wanted to retreat. 

I needed as much time as I needed to figure out things and heal. Didn't know how but I kept moving, reading and trying things, failing, falling over and then taking breaks in between. 

For a long while, I didn't want to make art either. 
I lost a lot of the drive I had in making art.
Sat with the sadness and frustration whenever I need to. 
Then the cycle starts again. 
Keep moving again before I spiral too deep into hopelessness and having nothing to work towards.
Especially as someone who relies mostly on art to drive her.

It happens.

Especially when you're trying to figure out what's true to you once again.

"Keep doing what I'm already doing" doesn't cut it if it feels like I've been running in circles. I don't have a clear vision on where I want to go right now.
What are my values right now? What do I care about? 
What is my driving force now?

Growing pains has been and is the theme last and this year.
Aye, all part of the journey.
I'm probably too sensitive. I don't care though.
I have feelings. Although I'm too much of a coward to express them in person, I've been expressing them here. 

I'm the kind of person that retreats and nests a lot of the time in order to ground herself again. I want to come to my own conclusions after hearing and reading to so many other voices already. I don't want people telling me what they think I should do...it backfires. I deal with family telling me what I should do on a daily basis already. I don't need more unsolicited advice.

Other times I need more trusted and respected voices...when I'm ready to listen. Then I will talk and ask for it.

As a friend said on twitter, it's hard when you feel really alienated when people go about their lives on social media without you and yet without social media you feel even more isolated, sad and lonely. I feel this a lot whenever I check even though I try to keep my usage limited to certain days and times. 

It's really not a great place to be your sole source of human connection in spite of all the convenience it brings. 
And I'm saying this despite being the introverted, lazy homebody!

Still social media is good for keeping tabs on sweet art and people so you have stuff to talk about when you meet up! And then you can catch me on how little I know you regardless haha! (Hey people don't show everything on social media...it goes back to it being not an ideal sole way to maintain friendships.)

Yes I know, genuine friendships aren't easy ;P 

Maybe I'm stronger for this struggle with art and life.
Still got much to learn however. 

Lots of growing up to do. Especially when I'm still very much afraid to boldly speak my mind in person and express my feelings. Though I need time and reflection to do it in the first place. I need to believe I'm worthy and stop fearing consequences in a world seemingly primed for social butterflies...I have to get some courage, face and deal with the discomfort and make mistakes in order to overcome it. Not sure when I'll push myself to do that though ;P

Indeed I do keep looking for "purpose". I realise that it doesn't matter...values and whether actions align with that are more important. Learning how to do this better continues. 

Usually I look for the exciting scary future to drive me.
So I keep reminding myself to enjoy the present every now and again.
I do have what I need, I just need to stay true to myself.
Go with the flow and hang in there Leonie. :')

Digressing. Regarding the comic, I emphasise that I still watch gameplay as my escape when work and life gets too stressful, exciting, overwhelming, tense, focused or whatever terminology you like! 

I do play at least a few games a year at least hehe. 

Other times I just want to get away from it all.
Just rest and chill. :')

Friday, August 3, 2018

BurpDoodle: Cynthia the Pega-pony princess

BurpDoodle: Cynthia the Pega-pony princess

I haven't played this but she's one of my brother's favourite female characters who's a clumsy, heroic, hilarious tomboy and Pegasus knight?

Drew this for him anyway even though I don't know too much about her ;D
Been told it's a super good game too! :D

I don't like how this turned out but I'm letting it go.
I'll get better art next time ;___;

From this moment from Fire Emblem: Awakening if she's Chrom's daughter:

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

SuperListenMode #236

SuperListenMode #236